Not very many reviews for the last one, so I guess I did something wrong.
Less novelization, and more romance from here on...
The mission had succeeded. Grunt was now an adult, or something, and it had helped to sooth his rage.
Nice job.
Except that Garrus and Tali were in a hospital.
Shepard feared for their safety, but didn't know why.
He could not find any empathy inside himself.
It made him wonder, if the fear was just about his own selfishness.
Garrus was a funny guy, and Shepard enjoyed his company. He would defend him, probably even die for him.
But the thought of his death did not make him sad. The only thing that came into his mind, was that he would miss him, his company.
Was that grief? Miss the joy the other brought? That sounded more like selfishness to him.
Everything had been so easy before, even Torfan. Some men had been broken by it, but not him. The only thing he had been sad about, was that so many men had died. Casualties. He was only sad that the operation had not succeeded perfectly. A waste.
Maybe he had not known his men as good as he should have, and wondered, if he could send his current crew to their deaths.
He could. Even his friends; Joker, Chakwas...Garrus.
Garrus. He would hesitate with him, but could even send him.
But...
Tali. As hard as he tried, he could not send her. She was special, important. He just wished to shield her, protect her, give her everything. He wanted her to be happy.
Why? Was it because that when she was happy, he was happy? Did he do that just to please himself? He was very selfish about most things, so why not this?
Selfish, and disappointed. Disappointed at himself. He had failed.
He did not fail often, but when he did, it brought him down. Hard.
It was merely a small thing, and they would both be all right.
But it wasn't important. The important thing was, that he had failed.
A fracture in his perfect exterior. Always thriving towards perfection.
It had probably something to do with his low self-worth or something, but he didn't care. He had never tried to change himself, since he was pretty happy. Except in these situations.
Now he only felt depressed.
He just wanted to sleep, and hoped that the feeling would go away.
It would, eventually.
Then he would start to build another perfect exterior.
Such a rat race.
He liked rat race.
His eyes closed, and the door opened.
His eyes opened as well and he turned his head lazily towards the door, not getting up from his bed.
Of course, Tali.
"Hi, Shepard," she said cheerfully.
She was in a good mood, since she only had a small concussion.
Her mood dropped though, when she saw him laying on his bed. The bed and the chair were his favorite brooding places.
He didn't answer her, which strengthened her conclusion.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
Are you okay? Yes and no. What the hell was he supposed to say? Nobody ever understood his eccentricities, and he didn't even try to explain them.
He didn't even actually care if they did. The thought made him feel superior, unique.
"I'll be okay," he answered, figuring that it was the best one he could give.
She sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Sharing could help," she said softly.
Quarians were social creatures, and held no secrets from each other. Shepard was not a quarian though, and humans were more reclusive.
But Shepard was especially reclusive. He never talked.
He actually did want to, but would just not admit it.
Shepard sighed.
It was not completely unpleasant thought. She was very understanding towards him. Such a nice person, and she cared for him. He felt privileged.
"I don't know how," he said quietly.
"Try," she said quietly, putting her hand on his.
Her hand was warm, and it felt good. He squeezed it gently.
Superiority? Over her?
Inferiority.
"I doubt myself," he begun quietly, looking at the ceiling.
"After all I've done...I guess I'm not stable. Mentally."
He sighed deeper.
"I feel slipping."
Always so hard on himself. Always thriving for perfection. Couldn't he understand that he could not achieve it?
"Why do you always think of yourself so lowly?" she asked quietly, lowering her head.
Why? He had thought about his motives for thriving towards perfection. The wish to be superior. Low self-worth.
He had never thought, that why he felt so low.
Was it about what he had done? The killing? He did not feel guilty about that. Why should he? They had chosen their paths, and he had simply ended them. They had stood in his way.
Should he feel guilt? Was that just rationalization?
"I don't know," he said quietly.
She turned his head gently towards her, and looked into his eyes "John.."
"Don't punish yourself," she whispered.
Shepard shook his head slightly, and closed his eyes.
"I don't think I've ever done anything good. There's always some other motive," he whispered.
She leaned closer to him, the glass nearly touching his face.
"The Alarei," she whispered.
Alarei...
He had went against himself for her. To not hurt her.
He opened his eyes, and looked into hers.
"Is it good?" he asked, whispering.
Again the same compulsion. Touch his skin. His lips. Press hers to his. The glass still stopped her.
To kiss him...
Her eyes, nose, hair...lips. All of them beautiful.
Lips. He had wondered about them before.
A kiss.
What would it be like?
He had wondered, but had never felt a need to do so.
It fade away, as she turned her head.
She put her head down on his chest, and laid down next to him.
"Yes..."
He put his arm around her, and they slept.
Something good...