Long ass author's notes ahead!
HunterBelmont: Welcome to chapter 3 *victory music plays* Ah, such excitement already building in your eyes as you read this. We promise that in this chapter there will be more Tifa bashing and 10% more Cloud. Now we are working on getting a viable format for question time so be patient and we will work out all the kinks and stuff.....yes stuff. Anyway thanks to all the reviews for the last chapter, we appreciate it a lot and think you're all fantastic for pretending we are funny.
Spopococ: Seriously. It's been awhile since we've had an ego boost. Keep stroking our egos, and remember, not too much or it gets kinky. –Wiggles eyebrows-
HunterBelmont: Yeah....anyway read on!
Warnings: If you're a firm believer in the sanctity of Final Fantasy VII and all of its affiliates, turn away now, because we're about to destroy it. AGAIN....AGAIN. OOC to the point of ridicule. (No, we don't want your ridicule, that's what the warning's for.) Implied Yaoi, implied Yuri, implied everything 'different' about 'relationships'. Coarse Language, simply because spopococ remains a filthy potty mouth (Hunter also swears a lot now. Yay, spoppy's a bad influence). Progressive stupidity regarding Cloud, and a large dose of Tifa bashing this chapter with some Barret thrown in.
Chapter 3: Cloud Strife in 'The Fresh Soldier of Mid-gar':
The gang storm reactor 5 hoping to blow it up and further along the plot! Cloud freaks out in more ways than one, Barret keeps swearing and Tifa is still being useless! So much excitement!
--
Cloud stepped onto the pinball elevator, still yawning from his restless night. He'd been plagued by strange dreams of some guy with black spiky hair doing everything that Cloud had so obviously achieved. He felt a nagging sensation that he had too much to drink the previous night, or perhaps it was the killer headache pounding through his skull that gave him the indication.
I can handle more than a pot. Tifa must have spiked my drink.
The machine pulled to a stop as the blonde saw the burly grumpy gun-man and the big breasted wench waiting for him. He yawned again, before Barret greeted him with a title that shouldn't be repeated in front of minors or just about anyone with good taste in the slightest.
"Good morning Cloud! Did you sleep well?" The cleavage asked him.
"Rolly had beans last night..." Cloud drearily replied, knowing now that the mako burning his nostrils was nothing compared to the fat terrorist's biological bombs.
My God, I still can't taste properly.
Tifa gave an odd look, before asserting that she was joining them on the mission today and that it would be a great succuss simply because she was. Barret hit the end of the bar as loud as he could, successfully managing to gain everyone's attention.
"Our target's the Section 5 reactor. Head for the train station first an' I'll fill y'all in then."
Cloud went to move as Barret blocked his exit, "Yo soldier boy can ya explain materia to us while yo here?"
Cloud raised an eyebrow.
...No, I better just hold onto it, in case Barret mysteriously loses it all on another bad poker hand...
The blonde smirked. Barret thought nobody knew about his secret, but nothing got by the cunning mind of Cloud Strife, Ex-Soldier and overall great looking guy. He was as highly trained as they came, and with a mind as sharp as any blade. He stepped backwards, giving a casual smile in the direction of Barret and Tifa, before losing his footing on a few broken shards of glass, seemingly from a shattered beer mug. The blonde didn't manage to gather his balance in time, before he tripped down the stairs, landing on his head with a loud crash.
"Sharp as a blade, huh?"
"Shut up!" Cloud snapped haughtily at the voice, much to the confusion of the other two.
"Cloud......I got a message from the weapon shop man from upstairs, he has something he wants to give you, don't forget!" Tifa nodded, before moving off towards the station with Barret; Leaving a toddler to run the bar. Cloud gave a concerned frown, before nodding politely at Marlene and heading out.
Cloud tried conversing with the people of sector seven, but all they seemed to care about was some guy called Johnny who had just recently left the big smoke, looking for some kind of adventure.
...Yeah, sure... There's what, five continents on the entire planet and about twelve cities. Adventure's gonna be grand there, Johnny...
Cloud headed for where Tifa had said some old geezer wanted to chat him up, tactfully avoiding the brat at the bottom of the building demanding gil in exchange for a bed.
"I have a place to sleep just around the corner, kid," Cloud shrugged, "I don't need your lumpy mattress."
The kid shook a fist, offering a tough guy attitude, which Cloud disregard with a subtle push of the kid's head, before heading up the stairs. He was pleasantly surprised to find a group of people willing to hear his advice on how to absorb a little of his sheer awesomeness, and he casually strolled around the room, offering advice on battle techniques, the usage of limits, materia, and car insurance. The kids were a little difficult to deal with however, and no matter how elaborately Cloud worded himself, using fancy hand gestures to emphasize the point, the kids just weren't grasping it.
"Listen kid, don't piss me off!" The blonde snapped, as the entire room fell silent for a brief moment.
"Uh, I mean..." Cloud paused, forcing a casual shrug and accompanying smile, "That's all right. Just give it a try. Little by little, you'll get used to it."
He gave a confident nod, meant to be reassuring, and managed to completely miss the death glares the children gave in return. Cloud gave a small sigh as he approached a bunch of guys flexing, before he casually squatted, managing to ripple every muscle he managed to have exposed.
"Hey SOLDIER! Tell us about battles! We'll even pay you!" A bulky guy remarked, as Cloud's ears perked up at the suggestion of money. A rather attractive woman then walked in, drawing Cloud's attention for a moment.
...Play cool...
"I'm not hard up enough to take money from guys like you. But I'll rap with you for a while," Cloud shrugged. The guys around him gave a satisfied nod as Cloud started his own elevator music loop through his mind.
...Perfect beat...
"In West Nibelheim, I was born and raised, outside Tifa's window I spent most of my days," Cloud bopped slightly, as his onlookers gave a concerned raise of his brows.
"The fuck you talking about?" One of the guys asked, and Cloud gave a casual shrug.
"Seemed fitting at the time," The blonde posed casually, "But let me tell you about materia..."
...Crisis Averted...
After prattling on for as long as his ego would allow, Cloud decided to head for the train station, pleased to see Barret twitching slightly in impatience as he waited on the platform. The blonde walked past a couple snogging, too involved in themselves than him.
Oh yeah, she's totally thinking of me.
The rag-tag crew moved onto the train as Cloud joined them, Barret barking the order to split up as not to draw attention. Cloud wondered how they could possibly not draw attention; a large guy who could bench press a truck with a gun-hand, a butch, a fat guy, an anorexic Cloud wannabe, and a large breasted hussy.
Not to mention a world famous Ex Soldier with rugged good looks.
"Focus, Cloud."
The Shinra executive from the train last night again moved away from Barret, saying something under his breath before Barret burst into a string of curses and cries of racism. Cloud was amused by the show, until Tifa broke it up and lead Barret to the back of the car where Cloud was.
"Sooo...what are we going to do now?" The blonde asked, trying to act as cool as possible.
Barret's vein seemed to be bursting again, as he flailed slightly.
"Shit! The hell you so calm about? You bustin' up my rhythm....," Barret cried, before his voice was drained out by the elevator music playing in Cloud's mind.
The train began to move, sending a bag down upon Cloud's spiky blond head, not for the first time, making him miss whatever Tifa was saying.
"So whabts our next target?" Cloud managed to slur casually to Barret, whilst rubbing his forehead.
"Hah! Listen to Mr. Serious-about-his-work! Awright.... I'll tell ya! Jessie's probably already told you, but there's a security check point at the top plate, it's an ID scan system checkin' all the trains."
Barret went on for another five minutes about how much Shinra was abusing the planet before Tifa added that Shinra was proud of their trains.
It is impressive....wonder how much a model set would cost? Never had one as a kid, deprived childhood and all...
"We can't use fake ID's anymore...." Barret bemoaned, before the static public service announcement said something about a good moaning and then gave the time before arrival at the next platform.
Barret and Tifa both said something about jumping off a train before Barret sat down abruptly.
Was I supposed to be listening to that?
Tifa waved for Cloud to join her over at the monitor then went on a rant about how Cloud had probably seen the map before, but that he should move closer to her anyway. Luckily, an alarm went off, effectively saving him from the torture of the rail system once again.
"That's odd the security check was supposed to be further down," Tifa remarked casually.
The security alarm screamed a warning, before adding a rather high pitched alarm, causing panic amongst the terrorists and the other passengers.
Butch busted into the carriage explaining that they had to get to the next one, and that she would explain later. Barret spent his state of panic pointing the blame, furiously repeating that someone had made a major screw up.
He never blames himself.....always someone else's fault.
The crew ran through the cars, only stopping on occasion to hear the mindless mumbo jumbo from random, seemingly unimportant citizens.
Barret stopped attempting to rip the side door of the train clear off, and declared that they were going to dive out of the train to avoid the security.
"Scary...huh?" Tifa noted, progressively feeling that she should have stayed at the bar instead of risking her life.
"Too late to be saying that now," Cloud paused, leering at her a little, "Why'd you come anyway?"
"Because...." was all she got out, before Barret interrupted, reminding them that they were in a life or death situation and that it was nearly time to jump.
"Hey Cloud, how do I look? Do I look good in a Shinra uniform?"
Cloud blinked a bit realising it was Butch dressed up as a Shinra soldier.
Well this proves it.
"You look great, just like a man!" Cloud proclaimed.
"Yay then......hey wait a minute!"
Cloud didn't bother to listen to what else she had to say, before leaping from the train, Barret screaming at him not to get hurt.
Cloud landed perfectly, giving himself a silent 10 for his landing, and for once not getting hurt at all, before Tifa and Barret landed next to him.
Gold medal for me, Silver for Barret and bronze for boobs.
"Good. So far everything's going to plan!" Barret said cheerfully, seemingly forgetting the fact that they were almost caught by security, and that he was blaming everyone for screwing up not ten minutes ago.
They walked down, coming across a Shinra laser beam defence grid, stopping them dead in their tracks for now.
"Looks like we are stuck...." Tifa moaned a bit, edging closer to the blonde.
Cloud looked around, before noticing a vent in the wall.
"We can go through that vent," he leaned closer, "Doesn't look like anything to get stuck on in it."
Wow that sure was convenient
"It's a dues ex machine."
Huh?
"Don't argue with me…"
Cloud decided it might be time to ignore the voice in his head since it was obviously making up words, and progressively being mean towards him.
They exited the vent, running into Barret's three stooges of the terrorist game, who each rambled on about something unimportant to Cloud. Not one of them even complimented him before they left, although Butch seemed upset for some unknown reason; something about heart and not wanting to disappoint the blonde.
Oh yeah, no girl can resist the Strife.
"......Idiot."
As Cloud entered the reactor room, the world around him suddenly went red and he was transported into an entirely different Mako reactor. His eyes moved straight to the long, thin sword on the ground, dripping a red substance which leads to a man lying, seemingly dead. Next to him, a young Tifa kneels, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Papa......Sephiroth?!" her voice getting louder, "Sephiroth did this to you, didn't he?"
She let out a high pitched scream, yelling something about hating everyone, before running off into the next room.
Cloud blinked as present day Barret leaned closer to him, making the blonde jump back, shaking violently at the thought of what may very well have happened had he not woken up.
Cloud quickly reassured Tifa he was okay, keeping an eye on Barret, not wanting him out of his sight.
Or behind me at anytime! Knew he was comin' onto me...
Cloud planted the bomb, again noting how it was him doing all the work whilst everyone else took it easy, before running out into a room with a console. It didn't seem terribly too flashy, having little more than three bright red buttons on it.
"Jessie said we had to push the buttons all at once," Tifa explained. Cloud nodded in acceptance of the challenge, realising that the task ahead would be a heck of a lot harder than Tifa made it sound. Barret counted down, waiting with raised arms, as Tifa stood beside him. Cloud narrowed his eyes in concentration.
"3...2...1... Go!" Barret nodded, Tifa dropping her hands at the same time as Barret. Cloud missed the mark by about half a second. Barret eyed off the blonde with annoyance, as Cloud offered a nonchalant shrug.
"Sorry," he offered, before Barret and Tifa raised their arms again.
"Okay, so 3... 2.... Damn it Cloud!" The gun man snapped, Cloud dropping his fist in the hope of catching it on time. Tifa offered Barret a chastising glare, before the gun man shrugged, his patience wearing thin.
"It ain't so hard to push a button, Spikey," Barret shrugged, as Cloud felt sweat gathering on his brow.
IN THEORY, it isn't...
"One more time. Jes' push it when it looks like we're about to," Barret explained, as the three raised their hands again.
"3...2...1... go!" Barret nodded, Cloud feeling his chest swell with pride at his successful button push, the door clicking open with an automated tone.
Barret then charged ahead, leading the group straight into a wall of Shinra soldiers.
Great job Barret; brilliant leadership
"....a trap?" The blonde offered as an explanation, only to cop a death glare from Barret.
Echoing footsteps grew louder, as inexplicably, the elevator music in Cloud's mind was replaced with a much more sinister sounding tune.
Am I the only one who noticed the music change?
"President Shinra?!" Barret exclaimed.
A tubby man dressed in one of the finest suits in Midgar smirked as he took the stage.
"Hmm... So you all must be that... ...what was it?"
Barret swore, seemingly less than impressed with the arrival of the world's second most important figure.
...No one out-stages me...
"It's AVALANCE and don't you forget it you mothe...." Barret began, before Cloud abruptly managed to cut him off.
"Long time no see, President," Cloud struck a little pose, apparently trying to impress his old boss.
"...Long time no see? Oh... you...You're the one who quit SOLDIER and joined AVALANCHE. I knew you were exposed to Mako, from the glow in your eyes...Tell me, traitor... what was your name?" The President rested on his cane a bit, giving Cloud an odd look.
"Cloud Strife!" The blonde replied, striking another pose, seemingly outraged that someone dare not know who he was.
"Forgive me for asking, but I can't be expected to remember each person's name, unless you become another Sephiroth. Yes, Sephiroth... He was brilliant. Perhaps too brilliant..." The President flashed back to Sephiroth standing in his office. The General at the time was clad in that very expensive leather outfit, that undoubtedly made him look...
"Mmm..." Shinra trailed off, starry eyed as Cloud gave him an odd look, before stepping back slightly at the president's odd behaviour.
He has that weird drool thing going on. You know the one that people get when I'm mentioned.
Barret interrupted Cloud's musings by yelling about how the reactor was going to explode very soon, and how Shinra Inc. would be made to look like fools again. This little outburst seemed to do little more than cause Barret to be called vermin by the tubby president, and sending the man into a string of curses that would send even a sailor's blood cold. Cloud blinked slightly in his startled surprise. He thought he'd heard it all in his SOLDIER days, but apparently, that wasn't the case.
I've never heard THAT word before.
"You bore me...I'm a very busy man now if you will excuse me...I have a dinner I must attend." The president interrupted Barret, which was probably for the best.
When was the last time I ate? Maybe he will let me join him if I give him Tifa...
"But don't worry I've made arrangements for a plaything for you!" Shinra laughed, the action making him jiggle a bit, much to Cloud's amusement.
It was at that point that a large menacing looking robot buzzed in, getting ready to attack.
"Meet 'Airbuster,' a techno-soldier. Our Weapon Development Department created him. I'm sure the data he'll extract from your dead bodies will be of great use to us in future experiments," The President laughed coldly, a smirk toying along Cloud's lips as his thoughts were drawn to jelly. The blonde's face then dropped as a thought hit him.
Giant....robot.....?
Cloud ran towards the helicopter, seeking to escape the killer robot before it tore him limb from limb. He managed to almost reach it, flailing his arms as he called after the president, only for the helicopter to take off with said president instead.
Cloud heard his two companions scream, and turned around to see that once again, he was by himself.
This is a conspiracy, I swear to Gaia. ALWAYS Cloud on his own.
"This is from SOLDIER?" Tifa asked, at a rather inopportune moment, in Cloud's opinion.
"No way....." Cloud replied, feeling even further isolated from Barret and Tifa's obvious party... party.
"I don't care what it is! I'm gonna bust him up!" Barret interjected, his patience failing once again at the fact he hadn't managed to kill the president when the chance arose.
Well at least it's focused on the other two instead of me!
Cloud gave a mental high five to himself, pleased that his fear of large, metallic death machines was being subdued by his lack of attention. For once. It was a fierce battle, Cloud and Barret dealing the damage, and quite content to allow Tifa to take it, before the battle ended with a final shot from Cloud. The machine began to violently shake, sending the blonde into a panicky overdrive, before it exploded, taking out most of the walkway.
"Well, looks like we sure handled that!" Tifa exclaimed triumphantly, hands on hips, before noticing that Cloud was dangling perilously from the other side of the walk way.
"HEY! I'M NOT OK!" Cloud shouted, successfully gaining the attention of his so called 'companions'.
"Cloud! Please don't die! You can't die! There's still so much I want to tell you!" Tifa cried out, much to Cloud's dismay.
Why her...? And I mean, she was quite happy not even noticing me about to die here only a second ago...
"Hey you gonna be awright?" Barret asked. Cloud resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the question, wondering why he had chosen them as his friends.
Probably because I always wanted to be the smart one for once?
Cloud nodded, just about ready to point this out to the gunman, but the sudden bomb explosion sent Cloud falling from the upper plate to the slums below.
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap! Somebody save me!
"Oh so now you want my help?"
Cloud let out a small smile in spite of himself. Never before had he been so willing to question his sanity.
Ooo, voice, you're back!
"Unfortunately..."
What's that supposed to mean?
"It means I'm stuck with you...Oh and you haven't eaten in 8 hours"
I've been falling for a while now haven't I?
Cloud offered a small frown, watching as a sparrow hurtled past him in the opposite direction.
"About 10 minutes, give or take"
...Who are you?
"...Never mind about that..."
Sooo, you going to give me any constructive advice? Like, is this conversation going anywhere?
"No, not really. Oh... and watch out for the pillar"
What pill...?
Cloud's head collided into the stone pillar he was warned about only moments ago, before everything started fading to black.
--
A/N:
Spopococ: Hope you enjoyed it, people. It was pretty much 98 percent HunterBelmont this chapter. I just beta'd and did the bits that he was too laz- ... uh... I did the parts he was 'having difficulty with'. In all fairness though, we were both in crappy moods when we wrote this, so were both equally lazy! –grins- Remember to review, and hey, tell your friends if you like this story, yus?
HunterBelmont: Yeah, so any complaints about the jokes are directly to me. Anyway hope you enjoy and see you again in question time.....when we get it running and of course in the next chapter! Wall market is coming up very soon; you don't want to miss it!
Spopococ: I'm SO excited, I could just poop rainbows!
HunterBelmont: … Right… See you next chapter!