Part II. Un Sospiro
Rebecca Von Lahnstein had been a huge help over the past two weeks at Castle Königsbrunn. Christian was having a bit of trouble shouldering the guilt on his own, but Rebecca made it a point to spend more time with him down in the stables while he was working.
Now they strode through the fields near the west end on horseback to give them much needed exercise. Elias was a bit more lively than usual today, and Christian was all the better for it.
"And how is Olli handling it?" Rebecca asked.
"He's being his usual self, like nothing happened. He still does so much for me." Christian sighed. He wished that Olli would just be angry, or treat him like dirt for a while like he deserved. Olli's kindness and love was a worse punishment than being degraded for his penitence. "The worst part is knowing that I broke his trust. He's really trying to be understanding, and I love him for it, but he shouldn't have to."
"Olli really is a great guy. It's only been two weeks since you told him and he's still being good to you." Rebecca said softly. She looked over with a smile and caught Christian's eyes. "It means he really loves you." She winked as she observed the trees bordering the fields. "But why Rob? I mean, he's sort of creepy and shady, not to mention you used to think he was a horrible person."
"I still do. Anyway, Rob doesn't matter. We haven't seen or heard from him since." Christian said stiffly. "It was just something that I'll have to come to terms with and make up for. I realize that there's no way to completely atone, but I hope that we can still be really happy. I hope that I can still make him happy."
"You will." Rebecca said. "And if he can't appreciate your efforts then maybe someone else will." She said. She stared at his pain-stricken features as their horses trotted side by side. She was about to say something, but Christian's phone rang in his pocket before she could utter a word. She sighed with resign, clearing her head and realizing that what she was about to utter would have been no better than kissing him the last time he came to her in pain.
She put her thoughts aside as Christian hung up the phone with a lighter expression on his face, thoughtful.
"Who was that?" Rebecca asked.
"It was the clinic, my blood work came back." Christian said. He'd already told her that he had tested clean for everything else, but the blood work would take about two weeks.
"And what did they say?" Rebecca asked, a knot growing in her stomach at the air of gloom around him. Not that it was anything she hadn't grown accustomed to over the last two weeks, but she would think that good news would have cheered him up a little. "They weren't… positive, were they?" She asked carefully.
"No, everything clears. I'm healthy, and so is Olli. They said that I can drop by before they close to pick up the papers." Christian said.
"That's good news, isn't it? You should look happier!" Rebecca said with relief.
"You're right, I should." Christian said. He offered a halfhearted smile, but it felt awkward. After Christian and Rebecca led the horses back to the stables, she offered a friendly parting kiss on the cheek and then headed back to the castle. The journey home was shorter than usual. The weights saddled on his conscience usually slowed him down, but today it was a little lighter; maybe Rebecca was right and the news had made things a little easier on him.
Though Christian's mood had been muddled all day, once he walked through the busy NoLimits entrance and climbed upstairs to walk through the door and see Oliver at the oven with a smile, things were immediately brighter. Olli's smile could light a solar system on its own.
"Welcome home, Mr. Mann." He said cheerfully as he pulled out a pie from the oven. Christian smiled back, and it was irresistibly genuine. He couldn't fight the smile if he tried. Olli stood at the counter and looked Christian over for a while, just smiling and locking eyes.
And that's when Christian knew that everything would be okay between them.
"I got our blood tests back." Christian said, holding up the rolled-up pages in his hand.
"I heard." Olli said as he took his oven mitts off and sat them on the counter. He walked up to Christian with that alluring swing in his step and that gorgeous light in his eyes. When Olli was happy, Christian was happy. That was just the sort of symbiotic connection Christian had with his partner. "That's why I made a celebratory dinner for my hard working Mann."
He closed the distance with a tender kiss, and Christian wasted no time in wrapping his arms around Olli's waist and shoulder. The feeling of Olli's body against his was one of the few comparisons this earth had of heaven, and it tasted sweeter than pure cane sugar. The taste of Oliver Sabel was exquisite; not to be taken for granted, and Christian vowed to never again.
"I've missed you all day." Christian whispered against Olli's lips. Olli smiled, and led him to the kitchen to help his set up the table. His hand in Olli's hand as they laughed and talked over their dinner was like art, something that was so beautiful it would bring a tear to even the most nonbeliever of love. Because Christian was meant for Olli, made for him. And if he had to, he would mold himself into whatever kind of man Olli wanted.
After dinner they settled on the couch to watch a couple of movies Olli had rented. In his usual character fashion, Olli was the one to take the initiative and wrap Christian's arm around his shoulder as he snuggled up against his body.
After the first movie was over, Christian let the credits roll as he looked down into Olli's exhausted face. His love had passed out, tired from his busy day. He was beautiful even in sleep. Christian leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on his forehead. His hair brushed against Olli's closed eyes, and the man stirred underneath him.
"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you." Christian said. Olli drew in a deep breath and looked at the TV as the last credits vanished, and a blue screen took its place.
"I'm sorry I fell asleep." Olli said, sitting up quickly. "Did you want to watch the other film? I'm pretty sure I can stay up and finish it." Olli smiled sheepishly.
"I wouldn't want to keep you up later than you want to be." Christian smiled. He pulled Olli back to him and studied his face in the blue light while the rest was cast in shadow. His long lashes cast long stripes across his eyes as they caught the blue of the TV and glowed. Christian kissed him softly, and then Olli deepened the kiss. "We should get you into bed." Christian smirked as he felt Olli pressed against him.
Olli led Christian to the bedroom by the hand and Christian laid Olli back onto their soft sheets. Christian's shirt was the first to be pulled over his head, and he slowly unbuttoned Olli's as he tenderly kissed the supple skin in the crook of his lover's neck and collarbone. A moan escaped Olli's throat, and Christian smirked.
He missed the feel of Olli's hot flesh against his. His chest pressed to his own. He missed how well they fit together when Olli's back was to his torso. Pulling him closer.
Olli ran his fingers through Christian's hair, and pulled their faces together. Christian was eagerly unbuckling Olli's belt when he felt a firm hand grab his. Christian opened his eyes in confusion, but Olli's were still closed.
"Olli? What is it?" he asked. Olli lied back and stared up at the ceiling.
"I'm sorry." He sighed.
"Sorry about what?" Christian asked with an incredulous laugh.
"I thought I could do it. I thought that we could just go back to how it used to be, and I've been trying hard, but this isn't the same. Nothing is." Olli said. "It's like I'm not in bed with Christian anymore."
"I told you before, it's still me; I'm still Christian, nothing's changed." He said.
"That's what I kept saying too, but that doesn't make it true." Olli said with a sad look into Christian's eyes. "Just because you're still Christian doesn't mean that Christian is the same man I fell in love with. It just doesn't feel right anymore."
Olli rolled out of bed and slipped his shirt around his shoulders. "I was just kidding myself."
"Olli? We can just lay here and talk, we don't have to do anything you don't want to." Christian said. Olli proceeded to pick up his clothes around the floor. He sat them in a pile and went to the dresser drawers. "Olli, what are you doing?"
"I can't do it." Olli repeated. "What we have… had, it's gone. It's broken."
"Olli, that's a little harsh, isn't it?" Christian asked hastily. "Just sit down and talk to me. I can fix whatever's broken, I know that we can get through this." Olli looked over his shoulder with a small smile and listened to Christian. He sat on the edge of the bed, but the talk they had wasn't exactly what Christian wanted to hear.
"Christian, this has been long overdue. We were just too stubborn to accept that it should have ended a long time ago before things blew up in our faces." Olli said sorrowfully. "We've given it three years, and a lot of hospital visits, but if we're not happy by now, we'll never be. You know it's true." Olli said. "Me leaving now with a clean break will be easier on both of us."
"Don't go." Christian begged. "It was one mistake."
"And soon, it'll be another mistake. And another, and another. It could be your fault, or it could even be my mistake, but one day we're going to be right back where we are now because I don't make you happy anymore. I'm just not what you want and need, and I need to stop trying to be." He said. Christian saw the tears welling up in his eyes, and immediately felt like a dagger had been plunged into his chest.
"Is that what this is about? You think that you don't make me happy anymore?" Christian demanded.
"It's what I know, schatz." Olli said with a tearful smiled. He pulled Christian's face forward and rested his forehead against his own, and sat there like that for a moment, listening to him breath. Christian tried to fight the tears in his own eyes, but they fell anyway. "You are going to find someone who can be what you want in a lover, what you need."
"And what will you find?" Christian asked.
"Someone who can love me as is, same as you." Olli said. "It might be soon, or it might take twenty years, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. Like you always said, 'No risk, no fun', right?"
Olli offered one last kiss before he stood up and took the suitcase, piling in clothes. Christian sat still while he packed up his things out of the room they'd shared for so long now.
"No, wait." Christian said after he's finally gained the ability to move, to speak. The shock of the situation still had him shackled, but he fought against it for Olli's sake. "Stop packing your things. I'll leave."
"What? That's crazy, where will you go?" Olli asked.
"I have places to go, don't you worry about that. Just unpack your clothes and let me be the one who walks out. I ruined us, I'll accept the consequences. Besides, your business is downstairs, it makes more sense for you to stay." Christian said with his hand outreached for the suitcase. Olli nodded and took his stacks out and sat them on the bed.
Christian took only what he needed, and told Olli that he would send for the rest of his things since he wouldn't be able to move everything tonight.
There were no parting words when Christian. How could they possibly find the perfect words to end three years?
Standing on the street corner, sitting on his suitcase, Christian called the only person he could. He picked his phone from his pocket and dialed a number he hadn't called in a while.
"Gregor, it's Christian."
The taxi arrived not long afterward, and he was on his way to Castle Waldenstyck. It wasn't where he wanted to be, and he didn't like to impose on Luise and Gregor like this when they were getting started on their life together. But where else could he have gone?
The commute to and from Königsbrunn and Waldenstyck everyday was lengthy but it wasn't terribly long. But living with Gregor and Luise was a bit of a burden. Not because they were difficult, or even judgmental in the slightest; Luise and Gregor welcomed him with open arms and completely understood his situation. But seeing their happiness day in and day out was a built in reminder of what he used to have.
Christian thought back on how much effort him and Olli had put into each other, and it was hard to believe that one choice on Christian's part had torn it all apart. They'd been through his confusion, his hack-job of a boxing career, Axel, legal fees, heartache, and pain. Oliver had shown nothing but support and patience for Christian in every step of their relationship. Out of that compassion, their love could always glue and patch the holes.
Now their monumental accomplishments crumbled in on themselves and they were standing on opposite sides of rubble.
When the movers brought by all of Christian's clothes and belongings Gregor helped him unpack in the room they'd let him use. Christian promised that he wouldn't impose too long, just long enough to save up enough money to try and afford a place of his own. If he couldn't afford that much, then he would try to find flatmates. Luise wouldn't let him promise such a thing because he was family, but Christian insisted.
And that was life. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep.
Christian wasn't even sure which day it was most of the time, and more often than not he would show up in the kitchen at Königsbrunn and Justus would remind him that it was his day off.
Rebecca used to spend a lot of time with him in the stable after he left Olli, but now she was barely even a presence. She grew fed up one cold afternoon with his deadened responses to flippant thing that came out of her mouth. 'When you're ready to be a living friend again,' she snapped, 'you know where to find me!'
That was six weeks ago, and Christian hadn't heard from her since. Occasionally he would catch a glimpse of her face watching him from her window, but she would quickly close the curtains and vanish.
Christian couldn't blame her, he'd shut out every one of her attempts to console him. He was practically a zombie, and he was fine with that status. As long as he had a job to do he could put for all of his effort and exhaust himself so that he could sleep once he made it back to Waldenstyck.
Why should he pretend to be happy and alive when all that was life to him had rejected him? Oliver was Christian's life, and without his love the world was only a planet inhabited by too many people. It wasn't their world, not anymore. Christian could survive just fine without having to speak to another living human being again.
But one sunny spring afternoon, while Christian was out helping chop wood on Gregor's request (because Gregor didn't like feeling useless and lazy with the help doing everything else), the inevitable talk arose.
"Christian, you need to talk to Olli." Gregor said as he leaned on his axe to catch his breath.
"Are you tired of me already after only two months?" Christian asked. Gregor didn't hear the humor in his younger brother's voice, though to be fair Christian didn't really include any.
"I'm tired of watching you walk around like… like a corpse." Gregor said. "You work and then you come home and sleep. You barely eat, and the only reason you eat when you do is because Luise makes you. We have to treat you like a child just to get you to take care of yourself."
"Consider it practice for when the real babies show up."
"Do you even know what day today is?" Gregor laughed sardonically.
"Wednesday." Christian said flatly as he brought his axe down on another log segment.
"Wednesday? That's all today is to you?" Gregor asked. Christian shrugged and sat another log onto the tree stump. "It's your own birthday."
Christian stood upright and furrowed his brows in thought, trying to think of what day it was. Sure enough, Gregor was right. Christian hadn't even given it a second thought.
"Well what's a birthday but another day?" Christian countered as he brought his axe down again. The afternoon sun set Gregor's eyes in the shadow of his brow, and Christian ignored the skeptical stare his brother was giving him.
"Christian, surely Olli's had some time to cool down and get over whatever happened between the two of you." Gregor said. "Olli must miss you as much as you miss him." Christian slung his axe across his shoulders and opened his mouth to argue, but Gregor was swift to the punch. "Don't even try to deny it, I know you miss Olli more than you'd miss the sun if it was punched out of the sky!"
"Well I'll have to get over it eventually." Christian said firmly. It was clear that Gregor wanted to say more, much more, but he kept his mouth shut and helped Christian with the rest of the firewood.
Staggering into the kitchen after showering and changing, Christian found Luise in the kitchen, standing over the counter with a glass of milk in her hand.
"What are you doing out of bed?" Christian asked urgently. He rushed to her side as she smiled and chuckled at his reaction. He hadn't seen Luise on her feet since he'd arrived. The twins had made her as large as a barn (though he wouldn't dare tell her that) and they were due any week now. The physician strictly told her to get up only during emergencies.
"I can't stay cooped up in that room forever." Luise smiled warmly. "I needed some fresh air, even if it's only kitchen air."
"If Gregor catches you down here he won't be happy about it." Christian said.
"Then we'd better be extra careful and alert, shouldn't we?" she said. Christian smirked with her and helped her to the table. He hadn't faux-smiled in a few days; his facial muscles actually felt a little sore. "Besides, you're involved now, it won't just be my fault."
"I'm involved, am I?" Christian mused. "How so?"
"I came down here to find you so I can give you this myself." Luise said. She reached beneath her coat and pulled out a small giftwrapped box. It was long and rectangular. "Happy birthday."
"You really didn't have to get me anything." Christian said with a small smile. "To be honest I didn't even know what today was until your husband told me."
"Well it's just something small, it isn't anything spectacular." Luise said. "I wanted to get you a new car, but Gregor insisted that you liked small gifts more than the extravagant. He said that between the two of you," she stopped her laugh and studied Christian's face for a moment.
"It's alright, you can say his name. Between Olli and I, he was the one who liked flashy things." Christian finished her sentence.
"Well, anyway, I thought that this was the perfect gift for you, and Gregor agreed." Luise said. Christian unwrapped the smooth silky wrapping paper, and the black satin bow carefully. There was a dinged, dented, and dirty cardboard box.
"The paper was fancier than the gift," Christian reflected with a playful smirk as Luise smiled with him.
"That's just the box it was delivered in when I ordered it. Go on, open it." She insisted. Christian slowly unfolded one end of the box and pulled out the bubblewrap. He unrolled the wrap until he held the object in his hand. "What do you think?"
"A key?" Christian asked. It was a rather bulky key, not your ordinary house key. It was bronze, and intricately detailed with a crest at the end. "To what?"
"To… well, here." Luise said. "It's a key to Waldenstyck, your very own. See, there's my family's crest, and right across the banner it has your name." she pointed out the fancy lettering and he studied it in the sunlight pouring through the windows. "We – Gregor and I – wanted you to know that no matter what happens and where you go, you always have a home here. You don't have to leave if you don't want to."
"Thank you Luise, that's a very thoughtful gift." Christian said.
"I know Gregor knows you much better than I do, and I he said that you would still insist on leaving in a few weeks, but I wanted to make it clear that I would be delighted if you chose to stay here. We both would. Gregor wouldn't say it to your face, but he's missed having you in his life so much that he's just happier having you around." Luise said. "And I would love it if you could be here when your niece and nephew are born."
"That means a lot coming from you." Christian said.
"Can I ask you something?" Luise asked warily.
"Of course, we're family. You can always feel free to ask me anything." Christian said. She twiddled her thumbs on the table top for a moment as she deliberated her words.
"Was there nothing you two could have done to fix things?" she asked. "Was what you did too horrendous to ask forgiveness?"
"What I did was horrendous, yes." Christian said dimly. "But as for whether or not Olli could have forgiven me… I don't think he could. Maybe there's only so much a person can excuse and then that's it, they can't do it anymore. Or maybe Olli has some sort of forgiveness scale, and what I did was Code Red: Forgiveness Forbidden."
"Christian, forgiveness is forgiveness, no matter what you did." Luise said. "If he really loved you then he would be ready to let it go."
"But I don't want him to have to let it go." Christian said. "Olli has already let a lot of things go on my behalf. Did you know that he was willing to stay in the closet with me if I chose not to come out at all?" Luise smiled tenderly as she placed her hands over Christians. "Did you know that he stayed with me even after my poor choices got him beaten so badly he was hospitalized and suffered a brain aneurism?"
"No, Gregor never told me that." Luise gasped.
"Olli had always put me before himself up until I left. And even if he forgave me, it would be yet another thing he would have let go for me." Christian said. "I've been thinking about it, and I think that he's much better off without me. He should live for himself, not for me."
"I understand, I do." Luise said. "And if you decide to go, I'll be sad, and I won't pretend that I won't cry, but I'll understand if you did." Her thumbs stroked the back of Christian's palms and it reminded him of the way Olli used to.
Suddenly she jumped and her eyes grew wide. "One of them kicked!" she squeaked. She pulled Christian forward by his hand and placed his palm on her belly. Not a moment later he felt his little feisty niece or nephew nudge against him.
"That's amazing." He said with a grin. It was the first genuine feeling of happiness he'd felt in months. Maybe he could find a way to feel some semblance of happiness in his life after Olli? Not real happiness, and not in full effect like he used to, because he left that half of him with Olli. But maybe he could get used to the little snippets of bliss he could produce?
"There you are." Gregor smiled as he walked into the kitchen. "You aren't supposed to be out of bed." He leaned over her and kissed her from behind.
"I wanted to give Christian his gift." Luise said. "He loved it."
"That's because you have good taste for what's sentimentally valuable." Gregor smirked. And then Christian saw the look in his eyes that Olli used to give him. It hurt, he could admit, and felt a bit like failure to dodge a bullet. "This came for you." Gregor said, handing Christian a small envelope.
Christian opened the letter with a butter knife and slid the card out of the envelope.
This is a personal invitation for
Christian Mann
To the wedding of
Constantin Von Lahnstein & Judith Hagendorf