Part III. Face Yourself
Christian kept reaching up to scratch his jaw-line out of habit. He had grown so used to his scratchy facial hair, grown out of his vacation from reality over the past few months, that it was routine to scratch the itch. And even though his face was smooth today, specifically for the joyous event of Judith's wedding, he still kept scratching at his tender skin as he sat in the back of the limo with a smiling, glowing Luise and a moody Gregor.
"You'll draw blood if you keep that up." Gregor said as he smacked Christian's hand away from his cheek in annoyance.
"You have to be among the living to bleed; you told me I was a walking corpse." Christian said. Luise found their childish quarrels entertaining, so she simply sat back and enjoyed the show.
When the limo stopped, just outside of Constantin's old childhood residence of Castle Königsbrunn and Christian's current workplace, the entire entrance and vestibule was white, and decorated with streams of ribbons and flags.
"It's reminiscent of our wedding, isn't it?" Luise said nostalgically. Gregor squeezed his hand as he opened the door and helped her out.
"Are you coming?" Gregor asked, quite fatherly as he nagged.
"Of course, I just need a moment alone." Christian said. Gregor twisted his lips a bit judgmentally, but Luise nodded considerately. Gregor closed the door behind them, and Christian clutched his slacks. This suit suddenly felt a little too tight, and he loosened his tie a bit so that he could draw some air into his lungs.
Olli would be here, he knew that very well. He'd been anticipating what he would do when they inevitably locked eyes, but he hadn't come up with an answer. Maybe he could avoid his ex for the evening?
That wasn't likely; first point in the case was that Judith and Constantin would want to talk to their old friends. Judith would especially want to catch up and reminisce with her old roommates while she recounted her life and adventures in London.
The second reason it would be difficult to avoid Olli was that Christian was wearing white. He berated himself for choosing such a bright suit. He wanted to look presentable for Judith, sure, but he didn't think about standing out. And as he glanced out the window, he saw most everyone getting out of their cars in black suites and dark gowns.
"Scheisse," Christian groaned exasperatedly. When the limo behind their honked, Christian apologized to the driver for holding him up and quickly got out of the vehicle.
The sun was high, and everyone of Constantin's many, many friends and cousins were lively and exuberantly chatting away as they greeted and held each other. They were all so far and few in between that the chance to gather was probably always a grand and cherished event, especially when they were giving away one of their own into matrimony.
Helena Von Lahnstein's eyes nearly rolled out of her head when she caught sight of Christian; she smiled and waved politely. Andi, on the other hand, slipped his arm through Helena's and urged her toward the castle. Christian frowned but took the nasty snare like a man; he deserved that from Andi, he'd betrayed the man's best friend. He gathered himself up and pressed through the crowd of Von Lahnstein's, and Von-Wherevertheyhailedfrom's and proceeded into the castle.
Justus was all smiles and charm today, and he politely pointed Christian into the direction of the reception, the courtyard. When Christian stepped back into the afternoon sunlight, he saw rows upon rows of chairs, dozens of floral hangings and arrangements, a DJ booth next to a couple of gargantuan speakers, a full bar, and the unmistakable NoLimits logo strewed across the reception; NoLimits glasses, NoLimits placemats, etc.
Olli had become quite an opportunist by making a business venture here. Christian saw dozens upon dozens of guests taking their seats, and he hadn't even seen most of them, let alone heard of them. He hadn't a clue that Constantin's family was so extensive. Christian felt a soft, firm hand on his shoulder and his stomach tightened up. He reached up and brushed the smooth, pale fingers, and could hardly breathe.
"Christian?"
He turned, relieved to see none other than Constantin himself. He was ecstatic – enthused, even. Constantin threw his arms around Christian and embraced him warmly. Christian brought his arms up awkwardly and patted the groom's back.
"I didn't think that you would come." He said. His hair was much shorter, only slightly longer than Christians, and his face was light, happy. Weightless and without burden. Judith must have been as good for Constantin as she was for him.
"I wouldn't miss this for anything." Christian said. And it was true, he wanted to avoid this place like a bad mosh-pit if Olli was going to be here, but Judith and Constantin were of Christian's true, oldest and closest friends. They had reached Kidney-Doner status, and he would give one gladly if they needed one. "Where is Judith?"
"I don't know – I'm not supposed to. Tradition." Constantin smirked. "Where have you been hiding? I haven't seen your face once since we've been back in Düsseldorf."
"I've been staying with Gregor and Luise at Waldenstyck." Christian said.
"All the way in the country? Doesn't the trip here get tiring every day?" Constantin asked. Christian shrugged indifferently, and Constantin seemed to find some humor in that. "Get yourself a drink; we still have some time before the ceremony begins."
"Thank you," Christian smiled as Constantin patted his shoulder. "Wait, before you go… have you seen him?"
"Him? Him… him… Oh, you mean Olli." Constantin said with a smirk.
"Of course I mean Olli, who else would I ask about? Sebastian?" Christian said. Constantin laughed.
"Yeah, Judith and I stayed with him the first week we were here, but spent all of last week here in Königsbrunn." Constantin said. His light smile fell a bit, and his friendly pat had died and become a simple comforting hand on Christian's shoulder. "He's doing fine. His business has taken off a lot, and he's happy."
"That's good." Christian said with a smile. It wasn't at all convincing, nor was it meant to be; it was simply a reflex of pleasantry.
"Don't worry, you won't have to worry about running into him here." Constantin said.
"What? Why?" Christian asked urgently. "Is something wrong? Is he ill?"
"Wow, you still sound like you're his boyfriend. I guess if you care about someone that much it's hard to break the habit, eh?"
"Sure, sure." Christian brushed off of his shoulder.
"He's fine, I assure you. He's out of the country at the moment, on a business endeavor. Me and Judith recited our vows before he left so that he wouldn't feel left out."
"That was thoughtful of you." Christian said. Constantin offered a parting smile and left Christian standing alone with his hands in his pockets. He should have been relieved to know that Olli wouldn't be here, that he was out of the country completely, but somehow that piece of news was worse that facing him. A small part of him actually wanted to see Olli, wanted to affirm with his very own eyes that Olli was actually alright, and happy. To make sure that he was doing well.
After being left alone in a crowd of strangers, with no friends with him, or even Olli to look forward to, Christian made a bee line right for the bar and didn't bother looking at anyone until he reached the counter.
"Schnapps, please." Christian said desperately. He needed some form of getaway quickly before the walls started crumbling around him and everyone began closing in. He'd convinced himself that he was over this, but the way his hands shook and trembled proved otherwise.
"I haven't seen you in a while," Miriam said as she placed a shot in front of him. Christian looked up and saw her awe-stricken face as she stared right back at him. "How are you?"
"Fine." Christian rushed out before cocking his head back with the shot glass.
"NoLimits hasn't been the same without you around." She offered. "And it's funny, because now that I'm tending bar with you here, it feels just as strange."
"Yes, it's hilarious, isn't it?" Christian said sardonically. Her knocked back the second shot and slammed the glass back on the counter. "I'm laughing so hard that my sides are splitting."
"Miriam, there are a few guests at the other end of the bar who need help," Miriam nodded quickly as the commanding tone of the figure who'd waltzed up to Christian's side. "Leave the bottle, this poor guy looks like he could use it."
"Don't speak for me." Christian snapped as he faced Rob. Rob smirked, and placed his hands up submissively. He grabbed the bottle and poured Christian another shot. "What are you doing here? This is a private event, invitation only."
"I'm hosting in Olli's absence." Rob said lightly after Christian drank his shot.
"He asked you?" Christian asked.
"He didn't need to, I volunteered." He said.
"So you're still around after all." Christian said coldly. Rob sat in the stool next to Christian's and poured himself a shot.
"I apologized to Olli, explained that we were both a little drunk, and that I got swept up in the moment." Rob said matter-of-factly. "He was reluctant to accept my friendship at first, but he came around in a few days. Now he's doing better than ever. Booming business, new parties and friends all day and night, and he's happy."
"You know, Miriam was right. This is funny." Christian said darkly. "I loved him for almost three years, and he dumps me without a second thought. But you, his precious fucking Robert, he'll take you back in a heartbeat."
"That's just reality." Rob said smugly. "No hard feelings though, right?"
"None. No hard feelings between us at all." Christian said through the swelling ache in his chest, and the sudden lump in his throat. He knocked his glass against Rob's, and they took their shots simultaneously. Rob laughed a bit, and looked over at Christian in time to see the fist headed right for his face.
He was off the stool and on the grass in only one punch. In his rage, Christian stomped on the hand holding the shot glass, and he felt the glass crush beneath his foot and into Rob's hand as he screamed in agony. Christian was pulled away by his arm as he tried to kick as the crying man on the ground.
"Christian! Have you lost your mind?" Gregor shouted. Christian shook his arm free and glanced around at all the shocked faces staring back at him. Christian looked down at Rob clutching at his sliced and bleeding hand, and then down to where the man had grabbed Christian's white slacks. His red palms smeared along his legs, and now that was no denying what he'd done.
Christian didn't say anything, he simply turned and walked out of the courtyard calmly. Gregor was quick to follow until Luise grabbed his sleeve and kept him behind. Christian was grateful that she'd observed his desire for solitude, he couldn't face anyone right now, let alone Gregor.
Rob would press charges, he knew he would, and even though Christian's probation was up, he could face serious assault charges. His record was already spotted enough. But above all of that, nothing stung more than the knowledge that Olli had actually forgiven Rob, befriended the asshole, and hadn't called or written Christian once. He ended their relationship without so much as a bat of his lashes when Christian left, but Rob could just walk right back into his life without any effort or blame.
Christian sat at the table in the dining room next to Rebecca's sewing machine and placed his head in his hands. He fought the emotions boiling up inside of him, that empty place in his chest that he'd been avoiding for months. But the feeling growing over him was too much, and it felt as though his ribcage was imploding in fragments, and he finally broke down.
All of those months of ignoring his emotions hadn't helped, only stacked them up for a moment like this when that asshole Rob lit a match and set off the fuse.
Christian cried. He didn't just cry, he moaned and mourned the loss of his love and himself for the first time since Olli ended it all. He didn't care if any of the staff in the kitchen heard him, he didn't care if Rob himself was standing over him, enjoying his misery. Christian just thought about the cold hard truth.
The truth was that Christian and Oliver were officially done and over with. Forever. There had always been a small part of him that hoped that they could work things through when he saw Olli here at the wedding, but reality set in and it was clear that Olli had no intention of seeing Christian ever again, even if that meant leaving the country.
"Oh my god, what happened to you?" Christian looked up to see Judith and Rebecca standing there, staring at Christian in alarm. "Christian?" Judith asked, and her face lit up for a moment. Christian wiped his face on his sleeve and sniffled to look somewhat presentable for his old friend.
"Judith," Christian smiled when he took in the aura that she gave off. She was dressed in white from head to toe. Her gown was faceted with dozens of intricate roses, and she simply glowed like an angel. "You look… I'm speechless." He said. He stood with his arms open, and Judith came toward him, but she looked down and her eyes grew.
"Is that blood?" Judith gasped. Rebecca's eyes grew wide, and she looked up at Christian.
"Is everything alright?" she asked.
"I think I might have ruined your wedding, Judith." Christian smiled timidly. "I got into a fight… well it wasn't even a might, I attacked someone. I might have even done serious damage to his hand. I'm sorry, really, I didn't mean to…"
"Christian, it's alright." Judith said, and she took him into her arms. She stroked his neck and cooed soothingly. "You didn't ruin my wedding, I'm still getting married! Even if an earthquake split the courtyard, and hell was breaking through, and a meteor shower was falling from the sky; if there was still an aisle, I would walk down it if Constantin was waiting for me on the other end."
"You really love him, don't you?" Christian asked. Judith smiled warmly and wiped Christian's hair out of his face.
"I do." She said. "And he loves me, and that's stronger than any hardship that could come between us."
"I need to apologize to Constantin about what happened." Christian said.
"Then do it at the altar." Judith said. Christian furrowed his brow, and raised the other in curiosity. "My father is ill right now, and his health can't afford the trip here, so Rebecca was going to give you away."
"Rebecca?" Christian asked bemusedly.
"Yeah, well the position of Flower Girl was filled, I had to apply where I could." Rebecca said.
"But I couldn't imagine anyone else I'd want to walk me there and give me away than you, Christian." Judith said.
"What?" Christian asked. That was way too left-field for Christian to have seen coming. He stood there, mouth slightly gaped, and confusion swept across his face. She should have been mad at him for causing trouble at her wedding, and breaking Olli's heart, not asking him to give her away.
"Please say yes." Judith pleaded.
"Yes! Of course," Christian fumbled. Judith threw her arms around him in excitement, but backed away quickly when a dawning realization hit her.
"We have to do something about that blood," Judith said.
"I can take care of it, don't worry." Rebecca said.
"Good! You have thirty minutes before we have to meet back here for the ceremony!" Judith said, shoving Christian into Rebecca's care.
It only took five minutes in Rebecca's hands before Christian was standing in his underwear in her room. She had at least let him keep his dress shirt on. She needed the pants and the blazer to dye and wash them to get rid of any sign of a stain.
"It's lucky that I still have dye left over from my last school assignment." Rebecca said. She had dyed the garments in a large pot, and then gave the pot to a servant. He hoped that she knew what she was doing. "Isobelle can heat dry it just in time."
"Thanks." Christian said. He wasn't exactly comfortable standing there, drafty and exposed in front of Rebecca.
"Christian, I want to apologize." Rebecca said.
"For what?"
"For not being there when you needed a friend the most." Rebecca said. "I just left you alone because of my own selfishness, and that was really terrible of me. Maybe if I'd stayed, you wouldn't look so unwell."
"Unwell? I look fine." Christian said stiffly. But Rebecca took him by the hand and led him to her large full body mirror to look at himself.
"Your eyes are tired, and baggy. Your face is hollow, and your body is much, much thinner than the last time I've seen you this close up. What do you see?" Rebecca asked. Christian looked at himself for a long hard moment.
"Shit." He answered honestly.
"Well that's a poetic way to put it. But that explains how you've gotten to this point. When you look in the mirror, you see only scheiss." Rebecca said. Rebecca stood slightly behind him, holding his arms slightly away from his hips, and left him staring as his entire body. "Now look at yourself again."
"Rebecca, this is pointless!" Christian snapped.
"Just listen to me." Rebecca shushed him. She reached up and twisted his head back to facing himself in the mirror. "In front of you; anything that interests you in that beautiful face?" Christian sniggered at that; beautiful face. There was nothing beautiful in that mirror except for Rebecca, Christian was just a black hole taking up space.
"No." Christian said dimly.
"Look into your eyes. What do you see?" Rebecca asked him. He looked over his shoulder at Rebecca, but she pointed back to the mirror. Christian exhaled and, though he couldn't fathom why he was actually going to play along, he looked into the mirror. He caught his eyes, his own blue eyes, and nearly fell backward. He hadn't seen them in so long, he'd forgotten just how bright they were. He figured his moping would've clouded them or something.
But what could he see in them? They were brighter against his slightly red eyes from the tears, and his face was a little puffy around them, but beneath his brows, in this moment, something familiar shined through. It was a piece of him that he used to see in photographs, something he used to see in the mirror long ago. A lifetime ago.
"Maybe… Kindness." Christian said.
"You're right, I can see it now." Rebecca said. "There's a lot of kindness inside of you, I used to admire it. What else do you see?"
"They're, um… Not bad." Christian said awkwardly. He didn't know what else he could see in them, it felt strange to look at himself for more than a passing second anymore.
"Beauty. Exactly." Rebecca said. "You hate yourself. You hate your body. You hate Christian because he's the one that messed up and cost you your true love. But just because you made a mistake, and your life has turned for worse, there is still beauty inside of you. You're still beautiful, your body is still beautiful. Now what do you see?"
Christian's eyes relaxed, as he perceived what Rebecca was telling him. Though he had imagined himself as some hideous deformity, she was right; he was still himself on the inside, and the outside. They just needed a little work and improvement to be what they once were.
"Gentleness." Christian said.
"Yes, a lot of gentleness comes out of you when you have someone or something to care for. You always took care of Olli with every ounce of you, just like you take care of Elias." Rebecca told him. Christian laughed a bit.
"Are you calling Olli a horse?" Christian asked.
"Stay focused." Rebecca smiled. "Did you see that? You laughed, and smiled. You found a piece of yourself. Maybe now you can find a little bit of love inside of you."
"I don't have anyone to love." Christian said. How could he find any piece of love inside of him if Olli wasn't there? Olli was his love, and took all of his love with him. Christian was incapable, he could never love another, not anymore. "I'm damaged goods."
"But goods nonetheless. You have plenty of people to love; you love Gregor, and Luise, and you'll have more family to love soon once the babies arrive." Rebecca said.
"But that's different, that's not the same." Christian snapped.
"Love is love, no matter what kind. But you have to love yourself again before you can open up and love anyone else like you used to." Rebecca said. "You have so much love inside of you, but you've buried it for so long that you can't remember how to love yourself; some of it has to come out."
"What?" Christian asked. "I was with you up to this point, but letting love out? That doesn't make sense."
"Sure it does. Here," Rebecca took his hand and stood next to him in the mirror. "Tell me that you love me."
"What?"
"Don't you love me?" Rebecca asked.
"Yes, a lot – like a friend. I mean, we're really close, and you always have a way of cheering me – " Christian said. Rebecca rolled her eyes and cut him off.
"You're losing focus – do you love me, or don't you?" Rebecca asked. She stared at him expectantly, and he stared back into her eyes in the mirror. Christian let down his guard, which had immediately flared up out of reflex, and smiled when she did.
"Of course." He said.
"Then say it." She told him. He opened his mouth, but a knot arose from the pit of his stomach and lodged in his throat. His lips stammered for a moment, and he broke eye contact and looked at himself again. He felt ridiculous, but Rebecca squeezed his hand.
"It's… It's hard to say." Christian admitted.
"Do you know why? Because no one's told you that they loved you in a long, long time. Olli used to tell you every day, and now you're alone. It's difficult to love yourself when no one else reflects that." Rebecca said. She looked directly into the eyes of Christian's reflection and warmth hit him like a breeze when she said "I love you, Christian."
His palms were cold and clammy, but in the deepest core of himself, where he thought there was only emptiness and despair, he felt warmth, like a candle had been lit.
"Voila; your reason to love. You've received it, and now you can give some in return." Rebecca said. "Now it's your turn." Christian took a deep breath and steadied his erratic nerves. Something was gnawing away in the pit of him, and that little bit of warmth felt like it was being overpowered by the ice cool feeling of self-inflicted woe spreading from the inside.
"I love you, Rebecca." Christian finally choked out, past the knot. His throat immediately felt a little less tight, and that cool feeling ebbed away as the warmth grew.
"Now look at yourself carefully in the mirror, and say it to yourself." Rebecca said. She let go of his hand and stepped away until all he could see there was his own reflection, and his bright eyes. His sad, worn and hollow face, thin of malnutrition and sorrow. He'd been seeped in his own selfish blame and delusions for so long that it had seriously affected the outside. He opened his mouth, but froze.
Out of frustration he sighed.
"I can't." He said.
"Of course you can, you know you can. You've loved yourself before, it's possible to learn to love again." Rebecca said. "Look at yourself, alone and scared. You miss being loved. You miss being trusted. Don't you think the man looking back at you deserves to be looked after a bit? Don't deny him that much, because he's borne you for your entire life without complaining. It's time to repay that love.
"Tell yourself how important you are. Give yourself what you deserve." Rebecca said.
Christian kept his eyes locked with his own reflection, and squared his jaw tightly. He took deep, shaky breaths as something fought within himself. His stomach twisted and churned, and he felt as though he was going to vomit as the empty pit trembled and cried out. His eyes began watering as he stared himself down, but even as a tear fell he ignored all distractions as he fought to break every wall in that way of that love he needed to find. He needed it now more than ever, Rebecca had brought him too far now to fail her efforts.
"I love you, Christian." He said. All of the cold, black, raging, chaotic turmoil of emotions inside of him immediately vanished the moment those words left his lips. He breathed in, and it felt like the first air to reach his lungs in months. "I love you." He repeated to himself. "I love you."
"Now what do you see?" Rebecca asked. Christian shrugged.
"I don't know."
"Well that's an improvement, isn't it?" she said.
"How do you figure?" he asked incredulously.
"Before you saw only shit; now you see nothing." Rebecca said. In a strange way, she did make sense. "It feels much better, doesn't it?" Rebecca asked as she rubbed his arm calmly. "I want you to look at yourself in the mirror every day and tell Christian that you love him."
"I will." Christian said. Even as Isobelle brought his suit through the door, it was hard to look away from the man he hadn't seen in some time. Somehow he just looked… different. There was no explaining it, he didn't physically look any different, but he felt different, and the way his eyes looked back at him was something new.
Rebecca left him alone to change, and Christian didn't waste any time in cleaning himself up. When he ran back into the Kitchen, there Judith was with a big grin on her face. Christian matched her expression and immediately slipped his arm through hers.
"You look like a princess. I should know, I live with one." Christian said. "Nervous?"
"You have no idea." Judith laughed. "There's over two-hundred people outside, and only a dozen of them are my own family. There are professional cameras taping everything, and I know that I'm going to mess something up in front of Constantin's family."
"That is a lot of pressure." Christian chuckled.
"But I know that once I see Constantin I'll be fine." She said. And she was right; once the music began, and they stepped outside, her eyes locked onto Constantin, smiling warmly at the end of the altar, and her steps became less shaky and more fluid.
"Happy endings do exist." Christian mused as they made their way down the aisle. Christian politely ignored the nasty snares coming his way from the incident at the bar and focused on getting Judith to her soon-to-be husband.
"It's not an ending. It's only the beginning." Judith said. "Besides, happy endings are nice, but I'm looking forward to the happy life ahead of us much more than the end."
As Christian let go, and Constantin took her hand, he backed away and took a seat in the front row. Despite the fact that nothing else had changed; he was still without Olli for the rest of his life, and there would be consequences for his stunt with Rob, he felt much lighter as he watched Judith and Constantin nervously go through their vows with smiles. And he couldn't help but smile himself as he looked around at all the love and admiration in the courtyard. Even Gregor and Luise were together, and happy.
As Constantin led Judith in their first dance as a married couple, Christian vowed to make sure that everyone around him stayed happy. It would take a long time and a lot of effort before he was himself again, but Rebecca had given him a good start, and that was worth more than words could express. He was eternally grateful for what she'd done for him today.
And as he left Königsbrunn with Gregor and Luise, he made a note to himself to get a copy of the camera near the bar to see if they caught the punch. If he was going to pay for it, he might as well enjoy the replay value for what it was worth.