AN: Thanks to swamud3a for introducing me to the word Schatz - love it now!
Part IV. Half of You
"Don't worry, the worse that will happen is a fine, maybe some community service." Gregor said. As Christian sat in a grey room with no windows but the one on the door, he laughed a bit to himself. Community Service, he said. Christian had been sentenced to 30 days in jail for aggravated assault.
Thirty days wasn't the worst thing that could happen to him; as his second offense the judge had every right in his power to sentence him to prison again. But Christian's good behavior and efforts to better himself in the past few years had earned his Honor's leniency. Compared to what he'd gone through it was going to be a walk in the park. But it was a splotch on his record, and that was going to look bad with all future employers.
Not to mention he would have to literally crawl back to Justus on hand and bended knees and grovel to have a chance at earning his position back.
Christian's first day in he already had a visitor. The guard didn't cuff him like he was used to in prison. Instead, the tall dark man just led him silently to the booths where the other inmates were chatting away with friends and family.
When situated behind the glass, Christian saw Gregor with the voicebox already against his ear. Christian picked up the phone and leaned forward.
"How are you?" he asked.
"Good, good. It's not that bad. In some ways it's better than prison, in some ways it's worse." Christian said.
"You look better than you did going in. Is their good that miraculous that one day can change you?" Gregor laughed. "I came to tell you that Luise is in labor, she's in hospital now."
"What? Is she alright?" Christian asked. Gregor smirked and nodded calmly.
"She's sorry that you can't be there." He said.
"But you can, so why are you here? Go!" Christian said. Gregor laughed a bit.
"I will, but I want to see how you're doing." Gregor said.
"What's there to say? 30 days, and that's it. No fine, no probation, I was lucky." Christian said.
"Has anyone else come to see you?" Gregor asked. Christian shrugged and shook his head.
"You were the first." He said. Gregor frowned a bit, but cheered up almost instantaneously.
"I'm going to be a father." Gregor said with a big grin. "A father! Papa, daddy, and all those other sappy terms of endearment!" Christian laughed with him, and they talked for a while longer until visiting time was over. Gregor bid him a farewell, and promised to bring pictures of the babies as soon as they were born.
Life in the room was somewhat irritating. Four grey walls, and two cots, one for him and one for his quiet roommate. They left the lights on 24 hours a day, so sleep was a bit tricky. But just like he promised himself, he looked himself in the mirror above the sink every morning when he woke up and gave himself his well needed, and deserved love.
Christian wished that he knew how to be alone, successfully. When him and Gregor were alone and homeless, it was different. They didn't have anyone, but Christian always had Gregor to rely on. As Christian thought about it, he'd never truly been alone, not really. And because of this, he didn't really understand how to be self-reliant. He'd always leaned on someone else, and he realized that maybe he'd leaned on Olli just a little too much.
Christian hadn't ever really thought of life without Olli, and so when he was thrown into the world without him, he didn't have purpose, left defeated and alone. He was living in a world where Olli was the sun, and he was on Olli's invisible leash. With that much taken away from him, he had no direction.
Suddenly the last few months made much more sense to him.
He spent most days wondering how to get along with himself during the inevitable times in life when he would be alone for any extended period of time. What is possible to learn so late in life? At the moment, Christian was merely a child who was aware that he was needy. But how did he move beyond that, he wondered.
He received a surprise visit from Rebecca one day. She said that Justus hired a temporary horsekeeper until they could find a more suitable trainer. She said it was just his way of saving the position for Christian when he got out, which Christian hoped was true. But the hopeful news came with a downside; Elias was sick.
Christian knew that Elias would pull out of it alright, after all the horse had faced worse. But he couldn't help but worry. Elias was as valid and tangible a friend as anyone else. Just because he was a horse didn't mean he wasn't as worthy of concern.
Over the next few weeks, Rebecca came to see him quite often, usually about every other day like clockwork. Gregor came by and told him that everything was just fine with the children, and Luise had finally left the hospital and took them home. He pressed the photographs taken at the hospital against the glass so that Christian could have his first look, and they were two breathtakingly adorable infants.
Three days before Christian got out of jail, Rebecca came by with the grim news that Elias had passed away. As with all of the horses, they had a burial plot for them behind the stables, and it was there that they would hold the memorial service. Christian had tried to get Olli to come to a memorial service once, but he thought that the idea of a funeral for a horse was ridiculous, so he passed.
Christian told her that he would be there. The next two days were spent in a long, dragged out wait. He knew that he was so close to freedom again. 9a.m. Thursday morning and he would taste free air. But the last hours were the longest as he ticked the seconds away.
When freedom came, it was the second time in his life that he'd tasted something so sweet. Luise and Gregor's driver was waiting outside as soon as he walked out, and he was so ecstatic that he wrapped his arms around the driver as the man stood there, awkwardly waiting for Christian to break the hug.
He promised himself that he would never be locked in a cell and away from his friends and family again. He missed too much life in 30 days alone; Luise giving birth, Elias' last days. Never again, he swore.
When he arrived, the first thing he did was run to Luise and Gregor's room to see the twins. They had a nursery, but for the first few months the children would be bunking with them as Christian's crib was in their room. Gregor was a little reluctant to have Christian hold either of them, accusing him of being clumsy, but Luise insisted.
They named them Mascha & Andreas. Christian was in awe for a long while, simply holding them in turn while Luise and Gregor watched like careful watchdogs. He couldn't blame them, he would do the same if he was the proud parent of two beautiful children.
Christian enjoyed his shower, dinner, and soft bed in Waldensteyck like never before. But unfortunately Saturday came too soon. And when he stepped out of the car onto the grounds of Königsbrunn, it wasn't such a joyous place as the last time he'd been here. All of the white was gone, and the grounds were green and bare as usual. The sky was grey, and the air was cool. Christian wrapped his black wool coat around his body and made his way inside. In the kitchen was where he found Rebecca, eating a champagne truffle. Her eyes flash when he walked in, and she immediately threw her arms around him.
The memorial was simple, a small headstone among the dozens and dozens behind the barn with only a few people present. Rebecca stood next to Christian, and she kept looking around nervously, as though she was expecting snipers to peek around the trees. As they walked back toward the castle to find Justus so that Christian could ask for his job back, Rebecca's face lit up a bit. Christian followed her gaze and froze in the grass when he two people standing near the kitchen entrance.
Oliver and Andi were slowly making their way toward them. Christian swallowed hard as Olli was actually there, right before him. He wasn't a dream, or a mirage, he was real. His skin was pallid in the ashen grey light, but his cheeks were rosy and his eyes were still just as lovely as ever.
"Olli!" Rebecca called out. When Olli looked up and over to her with a smile, it soon faded when he saw Christian standing next to her.
"Why is he here?" Christian stammered.
"I asked him to come." She said. She waved to him, but he didn't move an inch closer, and neither did Christian. Olli turned around and headed for the castle with a swift retreat.
"I can leave and come back for Justus later if you have business with Olli." Christian said. He didn't want to jeopardize her friendship with Olli by being seen with her.
"I told you this was a bad idea." Andi snapped as Rebecca and Christian drew closer. "He has enough stress already, Olli doesn't need to listen talk to this piece of shit anymore."
"Lay off it, Andi." Rebecca snapped back.
"That's easy for you to say, you didn't have to see him in the hospital for weeks, or throwing up anything he eats!" Andi said. Rebecca flinched away from his anger, but he got further into her face. "You weren't there when they were pumping bottles of Anzemet and phenothiazines out of his stomach!"
"Andi!" Christian pushed him out of Rebecca's face and stepped between them. "What the hell are you talking about? What's wrong with Olli?"
"What the hell does it matter to you?" Andi growled.
"Andi, Olli wanted to tell him!" Rebecca said. She stared him down for a moment, but Andi fell silent and calmed down.
"What's going on?" Christian asked. "Did Olli try to commit suicide?"
"Not exactly," Rebecca said. "He did, but… look, why don't we just go inside and talk about this?" Rebecca asked.
"Forget it, I'm going to make sure Olli's alright. He shouldn't have come here in the first place." Andi said. He turned on his heel and stormed off, mumbling beneath his breath. Rebecca urged Christian toward the castle, and sat him down in the dining room with a cup of cocoa. She sat her own mug on the table as she sat next to him.
"Rebecca, I'm going crazy with the suspense; please ease my worries and tell me what's going on." Christian said.
"Don't get mad at me, I only learned a few weeks ago." Rebecca said. Christian held up his palm and swore, waiting anxiously for her to go on. "Olli is sick."
"Sick? Like, flu sick? I don't understand what this has to do with a suicide attempt!" Christian hissed.
"He has cancer." Rebecca said.
"What?" Christian asked. It was all he could say. Olli and cancer didn't fit in the same sentence, and as he ran her words over and over inside of his head he still couldn't piece it together in a way that made sense. "Rebecca, Olli doesn't have cancer." Christian said.
"He does. He's had it for a long time now." Rebecca said.
"That's impossible, he would've told me." Christian said.
"I found out when Helena called me from the hospital." Rebecca said.
"Helena knows too? Was I the only person who didn't?" Christian asked.
"She was over at the apartment a few weeks ago, just after you went to jail, and her and Andi found Olli unconscious on the bathroom floor with a note. It was when he tried to kill himself. Unfortunately what he didn't know was that when one tries to take his own life with pills, the body usually rejects the pills soon after they fall unconscious, so most of it was out of his system. He was fine, the hospital stay was a precaution." Rebecca said. "They pumped out what was left and tried to flush his system, and now he's back at home."
Rebecca stared at Christian as he held his head in his hands, staring at the table.
"Are you okay?" Rebecca asked.
"When did he first learn?" Christian asked. "Did he tell you?" Rebecca looked around the room and sipped her cocoa. "Damnit, Rebecca, tell me."
"Seven months ago." She said.
"We were still together." Christian said. "We were still together, and I had no idea. He was getting treatment, and I had no fucking clue."
"Christian, I'm so sorry." Rebecca said. She tried rubbing his back, but he shrugged off her hand. "Once I found out I told him that you had a right to know, that's why I told him to come today, when you would be here. He said that he was going to tell you, but then… he just left."
"Seven months. Three months we were together. And he told me absolutely nothing." Christian said. He stood up and buttoned his coat.
"Where are you going?" Rebecca asked.
"Thanks, Rebecca, you've been a big help lately. I'll call you later." Christian said. He gave her a grateful kiss on the cheek, and she was left to stand alone, touching the warmth he left behind on her cheek. It was a signature of the warmth he'd gotten back. He was finally getting back to his old self, she mused.
Christian directed the driver to an address he knew by heart, one of the only addresses he could recite as easily as the alphabet. The traffic was thick, and he restlessly waited as rain began to pelt the window. But when NoLimits came into view, Christian's hearts flared. He flew out the door as soon as the car rolled slow enough to do so, and he rushed inside. It was a busy day, the place was full and everyone wanted something to keep them warm in the sudden draft of cold, wet weather.
Miriam caught sight of him, and her eyes flashed. Her hand was on the phone behind the bar before Christian could mutter a word, so he was left with no choice but to fly up those stairs before she could sound the alarm.
Christian rushed up the first flight of stairs, jumped the landing, and headed straight up to the hall. He raised his fist to pound on the door, but was greeted by an expectant Andi Fritsche. "I need to see him." Christian said, though he was a bit winded. He didn't realize what bad a shape he was in until he ran up a flight of stairs.
"Fuck you." Andi said flatly.
"Andi, please don't make me force my way inside, because you and I both know that it wouldn't be an even fight." Christian said. "You're a runner, I'm a boxer; I'll see Oliver one way or another."
"Ex-Boxer." Andi said as he puffed up his chest.
"Andi," they heard from behind him, inside the living room. Christian's heart nearly leapt right out of his chest when he heard Olli's voice. Andi eyed him darkly, but stepped aside and let Christian through.
When Christian saw Olli up close, his legs nearly gave out beneath him. He was extremely pale, and the rings around his eyes were so dark he nearly looked dead already. Olli offered a smile, but Christian couldn't return it, the shock was too much to bear.
To hell with boundaries and propriety, Christian thought. All he saw was the love of his life in pain, and he was going to do the right thing. He crossed the distance and wrapped his arms around Olli. He held him closely, tightly. He gripped the back of his head by his hair, and held him, no matter what the consequences were. Enough was enough, Olli could permit him this much.
Olli held him back, and for a small moment, Christian was complete. He felt life, flowing through his bones and veins and into his finger tips as Olli was pressed against him, embracing him, and even this wasn't close enough.
"Andi, it's fine." Olli said. Andi bowed out and went back to his room, leaving the two of them alone. Olli held gestured toward the couch, and Christian sat down with him, carefully. He felt the sudden need to treat Olli fragilely, which he was sure that Olli thought was ridiculous. But Christian didn't know how Olli felt. He was obviously in emotional distress if he'd tried to kill himself, but Christian couldn't blame him.
"You came to Königsbrunn," he pointed out like an idiot. He rolled his eyes and sighed.
"Yes," Olli said with a smile. "Rebecca said that you would be there, and there you were."
"Why did you run away?" Christian asked.
"I needed to talk to you, but once I saw you… I lost the courage." Olli said. "There's something I need to tell you."
"Rebecca told me everything after you ran away." Christian said. Olli nodded and frowned a bit, twiddling his thumbs together under Christian's gaze. "Seven months?"
"I'm sorry." Olli said quietly.
"Seven months, and you never said a damn word? We were together for three months after you found out, and you didn't say anything." Christian said.
"I couldn't find the words to tell you at the time. I didn't know yet if it was something to worry about or not." Olli said. "I didn't want to worry you if it was nothing serious."
"But then it did turn serious, didn't it?" Christian accused. Olli bit his lip and nodded, receding into a corner of the couch. "What kind of cancer is it?"
"Hepatocellular carcinoma." Olli said. "It's liver cancer. When they first found it, it was small enough to remove with a simple surgery, with a small insition. I had pain killers and a small bandage, I told you I accidentally stabbed myself at the bar with a cork screw. But then a month later, I went back and they said that there was more that grew on the underside where they hadn't checked. And from there it's only gotten worse. Chemo won't kill it, it only shrinks it, but they can't perform surgery without taking more than what's healthy.
"So I'm waiting on a donor list, and preparing myself for the worst if they can't find on in time." Olli said.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought it would be best if you never knew." Olli said. "To make you watch me slowly die was something too hideous to ask of you, I could never do that. So when I found out about your indiscretion with Robert, I used it against you.
"I could have forgotten about it and forgiven you, because I love you for who you are, mistakes and all. Forgiveness was never a question. But I couldn't face the guilt and shame of asking you to stay and watch this. It would have been too selfish." Olli said.
"You're damn right it would have been selfish." Christian scolded him. "It would have been selfish, and you deserved it. You should have been selfish, Olli, god knows I was selfish all the time. Love isn't about being even, it's doing whatever is asked of you for the one you love before having to be asked. I would have stayed with you until the end, Olli."
"I know you would have. But I couldn't – can't ask you to." Olli said. "We both know that you wouldn't have wanted to stay with me once I grew sicker, and began wasting away."
"You stayed with me when I was in the hospital over myocarditis . You helped me get through one of the darkest times in my life, when everything was taken from me by a stupid heart disease." Christian said. "And you have the nerve to think that I wouldn't want to do the same for you? You have the gall to say that I wouldn't want to stay with you, even if you were on your death bed?"
"Just leave, Christian." Olli said.
"Not until you tell me why you think I wouldn't give up everything for you, like you do for me." Christian demanded.
"Just leave, please." Olli said.
"Not until you admit that you still love me." Christian said. Pain struck Olli's face like lightning, but Christian wouldn't give up. "I've thought about you every day since I left, and I haven't stopped loving you. I stopped loving myself, I loathed myself for a long time, but I never stopped loving you – I can't, it's impossible. Tell me that you still love me too."
Olli opened his mouth, and tried to look away, but Christian held his face in his hands as he knelt beside the couch. He wouldn't allow him to look away. "Tell me that you still love me."
Olli's face went paler, his eyes grew wide, and Christian let go. He leaned over the back of the couch to vomit. Even though Christian always gagged at the sight, sound, and scent of vomit, he was right there to rub Olli's back as his stomach forced out whatever it could hold. Andi came out of the room with a pitiful look on his face as he saw Olli slung over the back of the couch, heaving as much air into his lungs as he could.
"I'm sorry," Olli said. "I'll clean it, just help me to the bathroom and let me catch my breath."
"Nonsense," Andi said as he took one of Olli's arms and slung it over his shoulders. Christian tried to help, but Andi insisted that he could get him there just fine. After the bathroom door was shut, Andi went to the sink and took out the bucket and cleaning supplies beneath.
Christian sat on the back of the couch and placed his head in his hands, trying to ignore the smell. He couldn't believe the state that Olli was in. He was in terrible shape, and it was only getting worse.
"I think it's best if you left. You talked to him and now you know everything." Andi said stiffly. Christian glanced at the bathroom door and gave in. Olli didn't want him there in the first place, and he did get what he'd come for. Christian gathered up his coat and wrapped it around his body, and left without another word as Andi went to cleaning up the mess on the floor.
That night, in Waldensteyck, Christian lied in his bed and stared at the ceiling, thinking and reflecting on a few things in his life. Who he was, who he'd become, and what was worth living for. Olli was worth living for, but he didn't want Christian around because he didn't want Christian to watch him die. He would rather Christian keep the good memories with a spurned ending than live out the rest of his days in selfish happiness at Christian's side.
The next day, Christian stood before Luise's bed as Gregor held her hand at her side. Christian had asked to speak to them at once, and it was important. He didn't want to go, especially after Luise seemed so ecstatic to have him around, but this was something he needed to do. Not for himself, but for the man he loved.
"You're sure?" Gregor asked.
"He needs me, Gregor." Christian said. "He's going through a hard time, and if it was the other way around he wouldn't let me keep him away. I have to fight for him."
"Then just be careful," Luise said. "Come back to see us often."
"Of course," Christian said. Christian placed his meager suitcase in the trunk of their car, and both Gregor and Luise stood at the entrance to see him off as he drove away. He tried not to, but he couldn't resist looking back over his shoulder now and then until he couldn't see them anymore.
Olli opened the door after the incessant knocking, and his face was grim when he saw Christian standing there.
"What are you doing here, Christian?" Olli asked.
"Doing what I should have done four months ago." Christian said as Olli stepped aside. He watched as Christian dragged his suitcase behind him and propped it next to the door. "I'm staying."
"What?" Olli asked. "No, you're not – get out." Christian went to the kitchen and sat a bag down on the counter. He reached into the cabinet and was grateful that Olli kept everything where it usually went. "Did you hear me? I said get out!"
"I heard you say that you're glad I came to stay, and that you've missed me everyday as much as I've missed you," he said as he sat the bowls down and opened the bag. "But get out? No, my Olli wouldn't have said that to me, not in a million years."
"Well maybe I should have." Olli groaned, irritant and moody. "Now get out before I throw you out, Christian."
"The only way I'm leaving is if you call the police." Christian said.
"Get out!" Olli growled.
"Not until you eat some soup, I just picked it up." He said. "Soup helps the recovery along, it's a fact. You're going to get better."
"Oh, and you just happen to have all of the answers?" Olli snapped angrily.
"Yes, you're not dying, and we're going to get through this together." Christian said.
"Christian, listen to me – "
"No, you listen to me Oliver Sabel. I invested all of my love and life into you, and I have none left for anyone else but you. I don't have all the answers – I don't have any answers! I don't know why we're as complex and different, or unique as we are, and I don't know how we've invented the concept of civilization, time, architecture, literature, language and communication, or emotion. I don't know how we've come from a single celled amoeba in the ocean to two people standing here having a conversation with enough knowledge to know what we're saying, and the depth to ponder the point I'm trying to get across… I don't even know what I'm trying to say!
"Even beyond the fact that I'm just an insignificant thing on a giant ball spinning around a bigger ball floating in nothing, somehow I'm standing here talking to you. Holding your hands. I'm with the most important person in the past, present, and future and in the end it doesn't matter what this world or this life is all about because I just don't care anymore.
"You are reason enough for me to believe that life has some sort of crazy unfathomable purpose that I will never understand. All the cosmic collisions and astronomical supernova's have created this world for us. We were made for each other and no one else.
"You are the one that I'm meant to love, you standing there is proof. And if there is one promise that I will ever keep to you it's that I will love you until the day I die, and I will never leave you again." Christian said. Olli stared back at him, mouth gaped in awe. "Now sit on that goddamn couch and eat some goddamn soup, or I swear to god I will force feed it to you."
"Yes, sir." Olli said. He sat down without question as Christian brought his bowl and they ate in silence. Olli smiled at him, and Christian immediately felt at home again with those eyes staring back at him.
Eventually they lied together on the couch, and Christian held Olli in his arms as his love fell asleep. Christian watched Olli sleep for a while, wondering how he'd lived life without Olli in his life. Olli was air to him, he was everything he needed to survive. And now that he had him back he couldn't dream of ever being without him again.
Oliver Sabel was his one and only, and no other human being in the world would come between them again. And if Death came knocking at their door then Christian would have to make sure that he, too, know that Olli was his, and only his.
"I love you, schatz." Olli said as he peeked open an eye and looked over at Christian. Christian gave him a soft and gentle kiss, running his fingers through his hair and soothing him back to sleep.
"I love you, too."