Chapter 17

Sendoh stood in the middle of his hotel room. Did Rukawa actually want to talk to him? Was talking code for something else, like it always had been before? Had Rukawa felt the shift in their relationship that Sendoh had, the last time they were together? If so, was he looking to break things off and run away...or lean into it? Or maybe he didn't know what he wanted, because Sendoh sure as fuck didn't.

He also knew that what they both wanted probably didn't matter anyway.

Sendoh wished they could go for a walk or something- a moonlit stroll on the beach. He was tired of hotel rooms.

His phone buzzed.

Ruru: I'm here.

He opened the door immediately.

Rukawa slipped in. His clothes were rumpled and a little sandy from the beach. His hair had been tousled by the ocean breeze.

He crossed the room without speaking and sat on the end of the bed. He clasped his hands together and looked at the floor.

"Whoa," Sendoh said. "This looks serious."

"It's not... I mean...sort of. Just...shut up a second, all right?"

Sendoh sat himself on the dresser, directly across from the end of the bed, and waited.

"It's..." Rukawa grimaced. "It's not just me, right?"

"Not just you?"

"I mean...you feel it too, don't you?"

"Feel what?"

"Idiot, fuck you. You know what I mean! The last time we were...together...it was...different."

Sendoh shrugged and looked away. He knew it was the wrong reaction, but he felt a horrifying swell of emotion that he couldn't let Rukawa see.

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about," Rukawa said angrily. "This is hard enough without you being an asshole."

Sendoh turned back to him, his face carefully hiding everything he was feeling. "What do you want, Rukawa?"

"I-" Rukawa didn't seem to have any idea of what to say next.

"We get together, and we fuck. Is simple," Sendoh said.

"Simple," Rukawa grumbled. "Right."

Sendoh shrugged again. "Is simple for me."

"Bullshit."

Sendoh rolled his eyes. Why was Rukawa saying any of this? Why now?

"I think I'm gay," Rukawa blurted out.

Sendoh looked at him, startled, for a moment. Then he laughed. "Oh yeah? What gives you that idea?"

Rukawa glared at him, which made Sendoh stop from laughing.

"The last time my dick was in your mouth, I thought you might be a little gay," Sendoh tease.

"Fuck off. You're not gay."

"No," Sendoh said, serious again. "Not completely."

"Well... I think I might be. Completely."

Sendoh studied him a moment, then said, "Okay. So you are gay. So what?"

"Well, it's sort of a big deal! To me, at least. Sorry if I'm boring you!"

Sendoh slid off the dresser and went to the mini fridge. He pulled out a can of Coke and a can of ginger ale. He handed the ginger ale to Rukawa as he sat beside him on the bed.

"Why are you telling me that you are gay?" Sendoh asked quietly.

Rukawa laughed humorlessly. "Who else am I gonna tell?"

Sendoh took a sip of his Coke. "You are not the only gay JBL player. Probably."

"I know."

"So?"

Rukawa sighed. "It's not just...being gay," he said, awkwardly, as if he was still getting used to the word. "It's you. You and me. Being gay is one thing. Hooking up with your arch fucking rival is another."

"That is why it is a secret."

"I know that, but..." Rukawa ran a hand through his own hair in exasperation. "Last time we were together it was...nice," he said quietly.

Sendoh was silent a moment, then admitted, "It was."

"It felt like we were...more."

"We can't be more, Rukawa."

Rukawa turned his head sharply to look at Sendoh. "Would you want to be? If we could?"

"We can't."

"That's not what I asked."

Sendoh stood up and set his Coke can down hard on the dresser. "It doesn't fucking matter!"

Rukawa flinched and fiddled with the can of ginger ale that he hadn't even opened. "I can't keep pretending I don't like you," he said finally.

"You don't like me," Sendoh argued.

"I do. I... I maybe like you too much."

Sendoh's heart clenched. "Don't," he groaned. "Don't fucking do this, Rukawa. I'm not..."

"Worth it?"

Sendoh glared at him. "Gay. I'm not gay. And I can't be...anything close to it, okay?"

Rukawa laughed. "Well, you're doing a shitty job of that!"

"Not in public. I can't... I would not be able to go home."

"Your family?"

"Russia. I could not go home to Russia."

Rukawa looked horrified. "What would happen to you?"

"I do not want to find out."

He seemed to consider this. "Would your parents...help?"

Sendoh shook his head and sat himself on the floor against the wall. "My father is a cop."

"Oh," Rukawa said.

"My brother is a cop."

"What about your mother?"

"Dead."

"I'm sorry."

"I was young," Sendoh said, waving a hand as if his mother's death was of no consequence to him, which was far from the truth. "I have a stepmother. Russian girl. She is...very young for my father." He snorted. "My mother was very young for my father."

"Oh."

Sendoh exhaled slowly. "My father was not ever an easy man to live with. He is very...set in old ways. Very strict. My brother, Ayari, is much like him. But now...my father is sick."

"Sick? Like...cancer?"

Sendoh shook his head. "No. Alzheimer's."

"Oh. Shit. I'm sorry."

Sendoh nodded. There. Now someone knew.

"He must be proud of you, though? You're basketball superstar at Japan."

Sendoh almost laughed at that. "He did not want me to leave. Wanted me to stay in Russia."

More silence.

Rukawa stared at him for a while, then asked. "I don't understand you, Sendoh. At first, you told me you're from Tokyo."

Sendoh took a deep breath. "My mother is Japanese. Tokyo is her hometown. After she's married with my father, she moved to Russia. I was born at Russia."

"Then?" Rukawa asked impatiently.

"After she died, my grandparents took me from Russia. They misses their daughter so much and replace their longingly to me. My father can't argue them, but with one condition, only me they can taken. They raised me at their hometown, Tokyo. My brother had visit us sometimes, but not my father."

"And where's your grandparents now? Tokyo?" Rukawa still asking curiously.

Sendoh lowered his head, smile and said sadly. "In heaven with my mother."

"I'm sorry."

"Is okay. I don't like my father country," Sendoh said. "I don't want to stay there."

"Would have made my life a lot easier," Rukawa joked.

They both laughed. Rukawa shook his head and looked at the ceiling. And Sendoh just...stared at him. At this oddly insecure superstar who was so beautiful and sweet and here.

"You look really fucking good," Sendoh said.

Rukawa stood and placed his ginger ale on the dresser next to Sendoh's abandoned Coke. He sank to the floor, straddling Sendoh's outstretched legs.

"Hey," Rukawa said softly.

Sendoh gave in and reached for him. As soon as he had Rukawa in his arms, he was done for. He leaned forward and took his mouth. It felt different this time, as he wrapped his arms around Rukawa's back and pulled him close against his body. Rukawa's hands cradled Sendoh's face as he kissed him with the force of everything they had almost said out loud.

It was late and Rukawa knew he needed to go back to his own room. Tomorrow they would have going back to Japan. But now he was in bed with Sendoh. Not just in bed, but cuddled together, with Sendoh gently stroking his hair. Rukawa was rolling Sendoh's crucifix between his thumb and his finger.

"Are you religious?" Rukawa asked. "Or do you just wear this?"

"I don't go to church anymore."

"But you believe in God?"

"Yes. I think so."

Rukawa didn't reply. He just considered this information.

"You think that is silly?" Sendoh asked.

"No! No, I'm just surprised, I guess."

Sendoh laughed softly.

"What?" Rukawa asked.

Sendoh snorted and kissed the top of his head. "It was my mother's."

"Oh." He stopped twirling the cross and rested it gently against Sendoh's chest. "Do you want to talk about...anything? Your family?"

"No," Sendoh said. "Not tonight."

"You can, though, you know. Talk to me."

For a moment, Sendoh was very still. "Thank you," he said.

Rukawa wondered if Sendoh felt it too. The heaviness of the aftermath of their encounters. The impossibility of everything. Rukawa felt it every time. The whole point of their hookups was to provide release, but Rukawa only felt more tangled up each time.

"I should probably go," Rukawa said.

Sendoh didn't reply, so Rukawa moved to get out of the bed. Sendoh pulled him back, and Rukawa found himself on top of him, and then being kissed by him, and then he was under him.

"Stay," Sendoh said.

"Can't." But he loved that Sendoh was asking.

"No one will even fucking notice. This weekend is chaos."

"Too risky."

Sendoh shook his head. "When will I have you for as long as I want?"

Rukawa's heart leapt. "I don't know. As soon as possible?"

"Yes." Sendoh leaned in and kissed him. "After I win the MVP this year, we should go somewhere."

Rukawa huffed. "You're not winning that MVP. And where on earth would we go?"

"I don't know. Somewhere no one knows us."

"What, like the moon?"

"No, we'll climb a mountain. Find a cave."

Rukawa smiled sadly. They weren't going anywhere together and they both knew it. "You're going back to Russia this summer?"

"Yes."

"Well then."

"Where will you go?"

"To my cottage, mostly," Rukawa said.

"Sounds nice."

"It is. It's my favorite place on earth." Although this bed was providing some strong competition. He indulged in one last kiss, shifting so he covered Sendoh's body with his own as he drank him in.

"I have to go." He brushed his hair out of Sendoh's eyes and Sendoh grabbed his wrist, then pulled Rukawa's hand to his lips. He gently kissed the tips of Rukawa's fingers, and Rukawa's breath caught.

"Do you?" Sendoh asked. God, his voice was sexy when he was sleepy, all frayed and throaty. He pressed a kiss to Rukawa's palm.

Rukawa closed his eyes, just to relieve one of his overstimulated senses. It would be so easy just to give in...

"Yeah," he said. "I do." With a lot of effort, he left the bed and gathered his clothing from the floor. Sand spilled out of the cuffs of his pants, on the hotel carpet, as he dressed. Sendoh stayed on the bed, possibly watching him. Rukawa couldn't bring himself to look at him, afraid that he'd end up back in his arms if he so much as glanced in his direction.

When he was at the door, he finally allowed himself to look back at Sendoh. He was sitting up, the white bedsheet covering his bent knees. He was chewing his lip, as if considering whether or not to say something. There was a long, tense silence between them, and then Sendoh said. "Goodnight. Kaede."

A jolt of pleasure zipped through Rukawa's body every time Sendoh called him by his first name. "Goodnight, Akira."

He checked to make sure the hallway was empty, then slipped out of Sendoh's room. Because the hall was empty, no one saw the smile that nearly split Rukawa's face in half.

TBC

Girl: Aw, I'm so sorry for taking so long for their lovely moments. I like when someone's being curious! Hahaha! Sorry, Sweety. But now, I'm gonna focus to reach their goals relationship!