His Resolve

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Alone, she was so alone. Narcissa Malfoy curled up in a ball catching some of the bed sheets in between her legs and started to burrow her head into the crook of her arms, to hide from the moonlight shining through the curtains in her bedroom. After a few moments her body shook with the tears that were now pooling in the crisp satin. She had never noticed how cold the bed was until he had been taken away.

She felt as if she hadn't slept since that worthless worm tail and brought the Dark Lord back from his grave. Everything had been perfect until Harry Potter had been sent to Hogwarts and strange things had been going on in that school. But it wasn't like last time where she had to worry only about a sister and a husband this time she had to worry about a son. Her own flesh and blood was smack middle of the starts of a second wizarding war. And she was terrified it was more than she could handle, her poor Draco was being forced to grow up to fast. She knew her husband had been worried as well. She knew that he no longer cared about the quality of blood, when it came to the lives of his family. If she could she would have created a bubble with her magic and surrounded her family with it. But she couldn't and now her son was breaking, perhaps faster than she herself was, and her husband was being tortured.

She wasn't stupid she knew what Azkaban does to people. She had seen how her sister had come back not a shred of sanity left. She didn't know if she could handle getting Lucius back as a mess of jumbled thoughts and a blood thirsty nature that sought only revenge for captivity. Her family was dissolving, stretched to its limit, and she was left alone in her bed crying over the lost of her lover and the child that could only feel hatred and desperation. She just wanted that man know as a lord to go away and wanted life to go back to the way it was before.

These past years she had lived her life blessing the Potter's for their sacrifice. Because of Lily Potter's sacrifice she was able to live a few years of her life in a fog of peace, satisfaction, happiness, sadness, anger, and love. She was able to live normally for a few years and she would always treasure those years of her life. She held only one regret during that time in her life.

With that thought Narcissa turned around from the window and took the blankets and threw them across her face. She just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. She closed her eyes and thought back to the day her life had shattered and pretending everything was ok was no longer an option.
She had been sitting there in the hard backed ugly chair listening to the many accusations against her husband. She never once took her eyes off her husband and listened to every word never batting a lash. There was nothing that they could say that would shock her.

He had always told her everything. He would come home and lie down on the bed. And she would sit there and wait for him, sometimes for hours, but eventually he would turn to her and gather her in his arms. He would bring his lips up to her ear, knowing that she was up and ready to listen to everything he needed to say. He would burrow his head into her neck and then he would start whispering everything in every detail he could think of.

She was sure that if she wanted to she could stand up and explain every accusation in more detail than they were giving now. But she would never dream of doing that, and right now she was to busy staring at the back of her husbands head to even think. She knew what the outcome of this jury would be.

She was not stupid or naïve and she would not waste time crying or looking at other people what was important now was to look at the man she loved for as long as she could.

And when she heard there sentencing she stood up along with her son. She knew their son was outraged, hurt, angry, and in shock but she had no time to comfort him. She was to busy trying to keep her eyes on him as he left his long silver blond hair trailing behind him as he turned to look back at her once more. And when his molten silver gaze met her own blue one she knew the message he was trying to send.

He was trying to say sorry for everything that had happened. Asking for forgiveness for the things that he had done and for being sent away, knowing that he could no longer protect his family. He was also apologizing for the anger that the Dark Lord would now train onto them. But as quickly as their eyes had met, the connection was broken, and she was left hoping that he had received the message that she forgave him for everything and that she would always be here sitting, waiting for his return.

When she had returned home she had gathered Draco in her arms and proclaimed that she loved him and that she would always be proud of him. Draco had hesitated only for a second before wrapping his arms around his mother and told her that he loved her as well.

It was only a few days later that Draco had received his duty from the Dark Lord and she had made her visit to Snape. After leaving she had been assured of the safety of her son but it had not lessened her worry for him or for her husband.

So here she was laying in bed her stomach in knots and her throat as dry as the Sahara desert. She had never felt so useless in her life; there was no way to help the most important people in her life. She was becoming a ghost of what she used to be, she was becoming more like she used to be during the first war. A cloak of worry and darkness over shadowing everything as Lucius had once told her.

She knew Bella did not understand, she thought she was being fickle and she should be dancing through the halls without Lucius. She had never liked Lucius and Narcissa did not expect her to start. She had asked how she was feeling as Rodulphus was stuck in Azkaban without her. Bella had no comment, and for a minute Narcissa thought she saw Bella have a lucid moment where worry, fear, and love had seeped into her vision before it was crushed and swept aside. She had then said that he had already been there so that if he had lived once than he should be able to survive a second time. Narcissa had than spoken of the fact that she was with him and knew what was happening and how was she surviving not knowing. Bella had waved it off and walked away. Narcissa had never gotten a straight answer and she did not expect one ever.

She no longer cared about the Dark Lord or his stupid little cause. She wanted her family and that was all that she wanted. She knew that the Dark Lord would never win and it wasn't because he was in the wrong or because he wasn't strong enough or even because he was evil and Potter was good. It was simply because of a mothers love. The moment Lily Evans Potter had stopped that curse from killing her son it was all decided. You can't go against a mothers love because you can not understand it. And for a man who can not and does not want to understand simple love, unconditional love would be something forever out of his reach.

There is no chance of stopping that kind of love, because a mothers love his forever, its eternal, it's unconditional, and it's forever unbreakable. It's a love she clearly understands, because she would do the same for Draco in an instant. Why were so many people dying, or being torn apart from there families for a war that had already been decided, Narcissa would never know. But living in the position she did she must keep these secrets close to her heart and away from others. She would take these simple truths and block them from the Dark Lord with her love for her family, how ironic it all was.

And it was because of this love that she knew that she would see Lucius again. And it was because of this love that she would become brave and protect her son from anything that got in her way, including the Dark Lord.

She would wait forever for her husband and would protect their son in his stead. Narcissa smiled and rolled over onto her other side, took a pillow from above her and wrapped her arms around it, pretending it was Lucius. And with her resolve strengthened and her future rocky but clear she fell asleep on a shaky breath.

~.~.~.~.~

He crouched against the wall clutching onto his sanity for all that it was worth. There was no dignity he could show at a time like this. His mask had slipped just like every happy memory had fled from his thoughts and every bad one had raced forward to smile and taunt him. There were many awful memories and all of them were laughing and twirling in a fog of memory, all coming back alive in one moment that blurred into days. Many times he caught himself screaming and told himself to stop.

But he no longer knew why he should, what was the reason behind showing pride. He no longer understood what pride was. All he understood was negative emotions, he felt as if he had lived with them all his life. He was slowly loosing everything and at the same time he had no idea what he was loosing.

Lucius clutched his head relieved to feel pain race through his head. He was tired that even his happy memories were warping into memories that were even worse than the original unhappy ones. The ones with the gorgeous woman in them were always the hardest to handle. Those ones always ended with a sharp pain gripping his heart and with the clogging of throat and wetness running down his cheeks.

But what hurt the most was the fact that he couldn't remember who the beautiful woman was or the silver eyed baby she was clutching as she walking out of the door not once looking back. All he knew was that he wanted to grab onto them and never let them leave through that door, but his feet were always stuck to the floor. And what was worst was that he knew it wasn't real but he couldn't help but scream out his frustration.

Hell, he didn't even know who the hell he was. That's what he should be focusing on. What was his name? He knew it started with a "L". Luny, Loony, Lucky, or was it Lucy? Now, he was just naming dog names. Damn it, he wanted his sanity back but he had to block out the bad memories for as long as he could. Narcissa was waiting for him. Lucius snapped his head up to stare at the wall that was three feet in front of him. Narcissa, his Narcissa. That was the woman, his wife.

Lucius smiled not because any good memories came back but because his heart sang with the joy of remembering that she hadn't left him, she was still there waiting for him. She and Draco would always be there for him. Draco, his son.

Lucius tilted his head to rest it against the wall instead of between in his legs. He remembered now why he was here, what was happening. And he was overjoyed at the moment of sanity knowing that it would soon leave him with the coming of dark clouds.

But till then he was going to tell himself over again and again that he was Lucius Malfoy and he was in love with Narcissa Malfoy and had a brilliant child Draco Malfoy who he knew was already in his sixth year at Hogwarts and was no longer a small child. He could even remember taking him to the station standing at the train station platform sending young Draco off to his first year in school. He could remember feeling proud when he was sorted into Slytherin house. He could even remembering feeling a deep fear for him when the Dark Lord first came back as he felt the burning in his arm, which marked a summoning.

Lucius flung an arm across his eyes and lied down on the floor letting the good memories rush through him while they were still here. He didn't know why they were allowing him a reprieve but there was no way he was kicking it in the mouth.

But as always with memories came regrets. He had regrets of always pushing his ideas onto his reluctant son. Ideas he no longer cared about. Always pushing on him that he was better than anyone else, isolating him from everyone. He regretted getting the dark mark and destroying his future.

But the most difficult thing to live with was the fact he hadn't told Narcissa how much he loved her.

He had had so many opportunities to tell her. When she had told him that she was pregnant, when she was lying in the bed with their son in her arms, when she was across the table for breakfast, when she came strolling into his study with only one of his shirts on, when they had gazed at the stars trying to come up with names for their Draco, or even when they were just lying in bed hugging for warmth.

He had had so many chances but everyone he had ignored saying later was the time. But now all he wanted was to say the words out loud and to hear her response so that his good memories wouldn't turn into nightmares when they came back. Or be overshadowed with the screaming of his many victims.

Why hadn't he told her when he had the chance why did he have to be a stubborn fool?

Now, he was going to die without ever telling her how he really felt. No that's not true.

That's right that's why he had to live. He still hadn't told her how much he loved her.

And he wasn't going to give in to the dementours until he had properly told his wife that he had loved her for a very, very long time.

Lucius clenched his eyes as the darkness returned and his moment of sanity was just that only a moment. And he was left hoping that he would still be sane enough to remember his resolve.

A/N: Yeah, ok. I know it's only a filler, but come on I think that this shows a lot of feeling for a separated couple. But since I'm posting all the chapters up today I'm sure I'm rambling on here for no reason. If someone posts a review on this chapter I'll be very shocked…and very happy!