An: Warning.. This chapter is a bit.. poetic at some part.. Not to worry, everything will be returning to normal in the next chapter.. Oh and before I forget..There is a two-way conversation going in both Luke's and Noah's mind... They are marked like this:
"I love you"
"No..You don't"
*Anna runs and hide.. as she shakes her head...* I don't know how this chapter turned out this way!
*
Healing The Scars
Chapter 4
Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.- King Whitney Jr.
*
Just call him, you idiot! You know you liked the kiss.. Hell, you freaking loved it and even a week later, all you can think of is that damn kiss… Noah pressing you against the wall, his hot body against yours as he slide a hand through your hair, moaning while his tongue is creating magic even you didn't know existed! Call him for crying out loud!
Scott… It to soon to be dating someone else, and yes, the kiss was amazing, but let's not be hasty here… Noah is a nice guy, but it's not fair to Scott, to his memory… He still love him with all his heart...It's to soon…
But think of his blue amazing eyes… his tasteful lips…that smile that it do die for…a true god, not to mention he saved your life!
Yes, he's handsome, I'll give you that, and he saved our life, and it was his job, he would have died for him, to get him out of their, and he would have died for Scott to, because it's his job. We've only been on a date that ended with it a kiss.. Too fast Luke, too fast and you know it…
An amazing kiss, keep that in mind.. But If we keep on arguing about this, time will fly away and soon we won't even have a reason to call because Noah will have moved on by then..
No he's not like that… He's a sweet and loving man, and it's clear that he's pretty interested in us…
Hello, weren't you the one against this…
I'm just pointing out that we doesn't have to rush it…
Rush it? You're not even trying here…He not even doing anything about it… All he's been doing is staring at the phone, picking it up, dialing the number, sighting before hanging up the phone and then start that damn pace again…
He's trying to find the courage… It's not like he's been dating THAT many guys.. Scott was his first love, remember! And you never get over your first love…
Duh.. I'm not born yesterday, but Scott isn't here anymore. And I know, it's hard to let go, just like that but he has to move on if he want to heal those wounds that he's carrying inside of him. It will tear him apart, until there isn't a Luke left, he needs to do something! And if he keeps this pace up, we'll end up getting grey hair , and not even Noah is THAT patient…
Luke sighted as he sat down on the chair, massaging his aching head with his fingertips. He had been going over the same reason over and over, trying to see it from different angels, but all of them lead up to the same thing; call Noah, before it was to late. If he didn't he could end up losing the one good things that had happened in his life since the accident.
That man made him want so much more. Noah made him feel again, to take a step out from the bubble he had created around him, and the way Noah was looking at him sometimes, was like he understood what Luke was going through. Like he knew how tough and hard it was to adjust to this new life filled with question and looks that he wasn't sure how to answer.
I don't know you, stranger, but you came like a knight in shining armor and saved me from flames and pain. From the darkness that's surrounding me day and night. The memories that keeps on hunting me and the guilt of being alive. You make me want so many things I thought I could never have again, things I didn't think I deserved. You made you, my reason to live and breath a day longer, just to see that beautiful smile.
*
Oh, god, what did I do… I can't believe I kissed him like that…
You healed a wound for a while with that kiss, you did something good, by showing him that he doesn't have to live the way he does, that it's okay to be happy for a while.
I just can't believe I kissed him like that… What if he hates me for it? I'm not his husband, I can't replace the pain he's feeling and I can't take it away with a kiss, it doesn't work that way.
Judging by the respond you got back, I doubt it he hated it…on the contrary…
But why isn't he picking up the phone…
Maybe he's scared of this… This is something new from him after living inside himself for long, to feel something different then pain. To be…loved…
I don't love him.. I barley know him!
Maybe he love you and you care about him… I see it in your eyes, the way you look at him. And it's like you two have this secret language, you understand each other, and I know you're not going to give him up this easy, even if your scared of getting hurt again….
I'm not scared…
A part of you is.. You're scared for her, what they and especially he would think if him if you bring him into your life.. But both of us know it doesn't matter because your heart has already learn how to love him, it craves the contact of him…
I can't rush him, he's not ready for that.. Hell, I don't think he's ready for anything big yet…I'm not ready!
But he will be and so will you… It's all about time and one day you'll love him, and he'll love you, . Until then, both of you just need time to heal those wounds that you carry around..
Noah sighted as he as sat down on the chair, massaging his aching head with his fingertips. He had been going over the same reason over and over, trying to see it from different angels, but all of them lead up to the same thing; He wanted Luke, he needed Luke, but how was he going to be able to show him, without making him run as fast as he could, away from him?
His life wasn't easy, it was full with drama, it was hectic and his job was tearing him apart. Could he really bring Luke into all that, if he called him? Would he want to stay when he found how, how similar their life's used to be? And his scars hadn't either fully healed…
And yet, my heart as already made up it's mind. It starts to pound a little harder and faster, just by the thought of Luke. It already knows and feels what my mind can't decide, and in the end, it will win…
But, Luke, you saved me that day in the stable, because I know I'm your reason to keep on breathing, and I want to keep being your reason. I want to make you smile and laugh, I want to help you heal your wounds, to get a closure. I want to be there, by your side… Because you gave me another reason to stay alive, to stay safe from harm and danger, you make me feel so much.. Too much, feelings I never had before, and I never want them to disappear.
*
Two different kitchen's, in two different houses, a blue and a black phone is lying in front of, two opposite and yet similar in some ways, people. The taller with the blue phone is sitting in a chair, with his head in his hands, thinking of a possible future is that damn phone would starting ringing.
In another house, by the black phone, sit's the shorter man, massaging his head, as he tried to find courage to change his future, into something better but to do that, he need to pick up the damn phone…
Both of them, can't help to think, how funny it is, that this little device, this thing in front of them, has control of so much. And yet neither of them has the guts to pick it up and make that stupid call, do scared of changes, even if it could leave to something good.
*
Luke knows he's being silly. It's one phone call, how hard could that be? Dial a number, wait for someone to pick up and then talk. But there is something about saying the word, "I want you get to know you" scares him shitless. Because it means he has to say goodbye to Scott, to let go of the fact that he isn't a husband anymore.
But the hours passes, and the phone is lying there, so still.
There is another way…
He used to be a writer. He used to know of to form words and sentences that none else could, to create something…and he used to love it with all his heart, but those words left him the same day he woke up in the hospital attached on IV. The same day his heart broke, so did his writing, and along with it, the passion…But here it was, that passion, the word, waiting to be written.
I'm being silly, there is something about picking up the phone that scares me.. I don't know it is the fact that I would bare hearing you say no or maybe even goodbye.. It would be to painful, so I'm taking the cowards way and refuse to do this face to face..
But I want you to know that I want get to know you. I want to know what makes you laugh and cry, your fears and those dark secrets that you never tell anyone…
I want to be your reason to smile when you wake up, and one day I do hope that's what I'll be doing, waking up next to you. I want so much, and yet, I'm so scared, but I do want it, more then anything…
Because you give me a reason to get up in the morning and leave this house of mine.
A good start would be that dinner I was promised to pay…
*
Luke got an answer within a day…and the note made him smile, because that was what it was. A note, no stamps or anything… Noah had been by his door, he had been so close to him and the short answer that was scribble down hasty make him smile..
Same here…
Friday at 6... I'll pick you up…
It didn't matter that it was short, but the word and promises what there in nine word, was a possible future he never thought he would find.
*
Luke was running around in the apartment, throwing another shirt on the floor as he rushed to get another. He had changed too many times for his own good and half of his closet was spread out in the apartment. This moment was going to be important, this was going to be his first date, (and no, that one at the restaurant didn't really count. This was a real date, those get changed and dress up fancy dates…)
Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Luke froze. He took a quick look in the mirror, a hand trying to style his hair, before opening the door.
The first word that came to Luke's mind was gorgeous. Noah was dressed in a black pants and a navy blue shirt, and that smile that he had learned was for him and him only, was planted on Noah's face.
"Hi" Luke could finally breath.
"Hi"
"Hi"
Noah chuckled. "Haven't we done this dance before?" He asked with a smile as he took a step closer.
"But it's our dance, and I love dancing it with you. I makes me feel less nervous"
Luke said as he fixed his shirt one more time, even thought it already looked fine and somehow, the tension had dropped. Suddenly, it was just them, and no pressure at all… No promises, just a feeling, and somehow, Luke knew that no matter how the night would turn out, he would love it anyway. Because he was with Noah, and that made all the difference in the world. Them, was going to get complicated, Luke knew it. He knew that his own wounds would cause bumps, but this moment right here, at Luke's threshold, was the first step…
This is step, a step towards what us. A Us I'm completely terrified for, and a Us, I can't wait see… I want to learn how to love you, and this, right here, this dance that we're doing, is a step into that direction…