The Invisible Men get Even

A/N # 1: Obviously I write AU. If you want canon turn back now because you are going to be severely disappointed. And, yes. JKR still makes all the money...

A/N#2: I appreciate you helping with fixing errors and asking questions.

Chapter 3: Is there a point to this rebellion?

Things did not reach boiling point at the Dursley house until after Aunt Marge arrived. Harry had decided that he would be a good nephew and disappear completely while SHE was in residence. That lasted for all of about six hours. Marge simply could not fathom a visit without criticizing Petunia's nasty runt of a nephew and had no desire to restrain herself simply because he was not there.

SHE started it! SHE was sitting there at the table eating food Hary had cooked and began talking about how Duddy-Wuddy was a fine figure of a man. All four of them spat the drink of their choice all over the remains of their pudding when a voice from nowhere said, "Yes, Duddy-Wuddy is an excellent figure of manhood if imitating the sta-puff marshmallow man is the main agenda."

Marge swivelled around and glared at Petunia. "Did I just hear that nasty nephew of yours?"

Petunia swallowed. "We have not actually seen Harry since he came home for the summer."

Marge smirked as she slurred out the question, "Did they keep him at that reform school he was sent to?"

Vernon paled significantly when the voice spoke behind Marge. "No, Margie Bargie Mustache moo-moo," this was said in a Bellatrix LeStrange ikkle baby voice.

Marge shrieked and turned around. There was nothing behind her. She turned back to Vernon with a strange look in her eyes. "Did you not just hear that Potter runt speak?"

Dudley looked at his Aunt and suddenly blinked a few times while trying to get his mirth under control. He was going to play this for all it was worth and hope that Harry forgave him some of the bad things he had done all his life- up to this point. "Aunt Marge, what are you talking about?" Both of his parents gave him beautific smiles and left him to deal with it.

"That nasty little cousin of yours. He is somewhere in this kitchen. I heard him call me a barge and a cow with a moustache!"

Dudley looked at her seriously. "Well, about that..."

She was about to indulge in homicidal tendencies when she was distracted by Dudley switching the subject. "Aunt Marge, when did you teach Ripper to open doors?"

She whirled around so quickly that time that she fell out of the chair and bounced on the floor . The Dursleys stared at her in horror when they realized she had broken an 18x18" porcelain tile. That was going to be a bitch to fix! She sat there and watched the dog open the door and start to walk out. "Ripper, mommy's baby, what are you doing?"

The dog turned and looked at the woman sprawled out on the floor. "I am going to go throw myself in front of a speeding bus. I can no longer face being your dog."

The Dursleys acted like they did not understand that the dog was speaking English. Marge did not seem too terribly upset about the dog's vocabulary. "But why, baby?"

The dog gave a long suffering sigh. "Because it isn't bad enough that you force me to lick between your thighs on nights that you can't get that Colonel guy drunk enough, it has just occurred to me that the real reason you are so mean to that boy is because you are a paedophile. Now, good day, Madam. I have a bus to throw off schedule."

The family stared in shock at Marge, who immediately broke down in tears.

Dudley was the only voice of reason. "Don't you think you should catch your dog before he finds a bus?"

Marge turned to him with a crazed look in her eyes. "I knew I was not hearing things." She wallowed around on the floor like a beached whale for a few seconds before finding a position in which she could get her legs under her. After that she was up and out the door.

Petunia quickly went to the window and craned her neck out. She gave a 'running' monologue of the scene. The dog saw Marge waddling after him and headed straight for an oncoming bus.

The squeal of brakes, the crunch of bones, and Petunia saying, "Oh, good, the poor little darling got away from that sick woman!" sort of missed its mark completely as Vernon and Dudley stared in horror at the partially transfigured giraffe neck on the Dursley matriarch. She sat down and looked at them. "What?" she asked before zoning out on their 'peculiar' behavior. Randomly she spoke before standing up and heading to the refrigerator, "I really have a craving for a nice green salad. Would either of you like one also?"

Vernon looked at Dudley, Dudley looked at Vernon, both of them said, "No, thank you. I'll just go watch a bit of television."

Harry decided he had had enough fun messing with Marge and went back upstairs. He went in his room and closed the door. He glared slightly as he looked over at the dog lying at the bottom of his bed. "I hope you know, Ripper, that you owe me big time. I got you away from the horrible woman, and in return I demand you never do nasty things like that again."

Ripper woofed quietly and wagged his tail. Harry supposed that was about as much gratitude that the dog needed to express for Harry transfiguing a cockroach into a Ripper clone and sending it out to avenge his honor.

While the people downstairs were having a strange evening, Harry and Ripper were upstairs having a fine time. Harry had sent Hedwig off to Diagon Alley earlier and ordered several Wizarding World meals (just add a touch of magic) and they were all three feasting on succulent roast turkey with chestnut stuffing, mashed potatoes, giblet gravy, cranberry jelly, pumpkin pie and rye bread rolls with sweet fresh butter. (OK, so he ordered the thanksgiving feast from the international cuisine menu- so bite me.)

They had just finished their meal when Dudley knocked on the door. He was carrying Neville's pterodactyl patronus under his arm. "Hey, Harry, this little guy just rang the door bell and said he has a message for you. May I keep him?"

Harry looked at the extinct dinosaur. "Did Neville mean to ressurect you?"

It hopped out of Dudley's grip and landed on the floor. It then took a second to compose itself, straightened, and cleared its throat. "Hum hum. OK, so, Neville said tell you that he just had a great idea and wants your input."

Harry nodded obligingly. "Please continue. I am listening."

It looked around the room for a second. "Do you think you could at least give me a bone to chew on? I have been dead for millions of years and damn, but if I don't feel hungry right now."

Harry, well used to strange creatures, merely nodded a negative. "Message first please. Then you may eat."

It sighed. "That is what I thought you'd say, but I had to ask."

Dudley wandered over to where Ripper was sitting at the table using his knife and fork to scoop up the last bit of mashed potatoes from his plate. "I thought you were dead. Didn't you just walk out of the house and jump in front of a bus?"

Ripper picked up his napkin and wiped his muzzle. "No, that was a cockroach that Harry transfigured into my likeness. I don't mind telling you, Dudley, that aunt of yours is a real sick woman."

Dudley agreed. "Yeah, I can respect that. This whole family has more issues than the London Daily." Then he turned to Harry who was patiently waiting for It to give him the messge. "Can I have one of the turkey legs? Dad and Aunt Barge kind of put me off eating earlier."

It squawked indigently. "He is going to eat it all!" And broke down in sobbing misery instead of giving the message.

Dudley sat down between Ripper and Hedwig. "Hey, dude, just give us the message. I won't touch a thing until Harry says whether it is cool or not."

"Yes, well, Neville had the idea that since his parents' bodies were still on the planet and they are for all intents and purposes functioning, what would be the chances of you two doing a summoning ritual and see if it would unlock them from where ever they have hidden their sanity.

Harry rubbed his chin as he held the elbow with the other hand. "Let me give it some thought. He is probably on to something. Besides, it gives us the oppurtunity to visit Luna and see if she is amendable to becoming wife number two like the author suggested."

Dudley watched as It jumped up on a chair and began serving portions of the feast unto a plate for itself. Finally It took offense to Dudley staring, "WHAT? Have you never seen anything use table manners?"

Dudley shook his head no.

"Just eat, you miserable fat bastard." It snarled before sticking his beak into a goblet that Harry was nice enough to transfigure just for his use.

Dudley figured that he probably should use what manners he knew so he served up his portions and began talking as he ate. "Harry, how does that work? The author suggested you have wives so you are going to go collect them?"

Harry grinned savagely. "Hell, yes! Hermione is an evil bitch who likes bondage and Luna is crazier than a shit house rat. We are going to suit perfectly."

"Do you think that she knows any girls for me?"

Harry turned a serious face to Ripper. "Rip, my man! If she offers you Ginerva Weasley don't accept. Not only will you wind up with a bigger litter than you can provide for, she barks and whines constantly...and not in a good way."