Disclaimer: I own nothing I just want to play

AN: SO whattya guys think so far? I'd really like to know... Many thanks to my kick ass beta changedbyedward LY H&R

Now on with the story...

BPOV

Alice chatted excitedly beside me as I drove towards her house so we could pick up her car. She had told me that 'grand-daddy pickup' was not going to get us back home in time so we had to take hers. "Oh, Bella, we're going to find the cutest outfits and I don't care what you say, that Christian Dior dress is going to look fabulous on you!"

"So? It's not like I have anyone to look forward to sporting it for," I mumbled. Alice shot me one of her 'don't go there' looks and sighed.

"Bells. Do. Not. Kill. The. Shopping. Buzz. And besides, screw Ed…" I shot her my own 'don't go there' look, "him, he doesn't know what he wants to do." She giggled before continuing, "I noticed Mike was making smooch faces at you."

"You have GOT to be kidding me! Mike? Mike? Of all people, Alice, I swear if you try to hook me up with him, I'll jump off the cliff at La Push Reservation! I don't want Mike, or Tyler, or anyone. The only person I want is too busy rejecting me to notice I'm alive!" I pulled up in front of the Cullen house and already I could feel the hole in my heart opening up. I could see him and smell him even though he had been gone a little over a month. I waited in the front, not trusting myself to go into the house with Alice while she got her keys. I looked around and everything looked the same. Nothing around me had changed except me. Half of me was gone and I had a nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time. Alice came out with a blank look on her face and walked towards me.

"Bella, are you okay? What's on your mind?"

"Alice, it'll just be the same conversation we've been having for a month. I'm not going to keep beating a dead horse. Let's just get to the shops before I change my mind." Alice looked off to the distance and I knew that gleam in her eye.

"Damn it, Bella, you're serious! Fine, let's go then. Mama needs a new Prada purse!" She ran towards the garage and out roared her car. I hopped into the passenger's side and buckled up because Alice was no joke driving. Alice chatted away merrily about what we were going to buy and how cute we were going to look as I nodded at all the appropriate moments and smiled, but I was in my own world where all I could feel was the hurt. I looked out the window as the scenery zoomed by and I just wanted to close my eyes and feel anything besides the ache. I knew the only reason Alice wanted to go shopping was that all of my clothes were too loose. I couldn't keep anything down. I just didn't want anything.

"Bella, what's wrong? Are you okay? You look even paler than usual. Am I going too fast?"

"No, Alice, I'm just thinking. You know... I can't… it's just…" I stopped talking because I knew where it was going to lead and I didn't want to hurt Alice's feelings.

"I'm fine, Alice, really. Just let me collect myself." I smiled to reassure her that I wasn't going to jump out of the car. Then I thought. What if I did jump out? So much for my promise, but he broke all of his promises, so what did it matter? For weeks, I'd been teetering between numbness and unbearable grief. I couldn't sleep because he wasn't beside me. I didn't read because the words were meaningless. I didn't listen to music because it tore my heart every time I tried. I was a void.

Alice kept talking about how we needed to punch it because we'd never make it back in time and as the scenery started moving faster, so did my heart . Adrenaline raced through my veins as I stared out the window. My breath hitched when my hand involuntarily found its way to the door handle. My mind raced through the last few weeks and I couldn't help but feel hollow. I realized that the hurt was deeper than I thought it was. I risked a look at Alice, who was staring at the road, and I tightened my grip on the handle. I had a fleeting thought that it couldn't hurt as much as the past month had, so I leaned my weight against the car door, closed my eyes, and started to pull the handle towards myself. Suddenly it was as though someone had turned on the lights in an abandoned house.

"Bella, stop it right now!"

I jerked my hand back and held back a scream. I didn't even have time to process what had happened when Alice slammed on the brakes, bringing the car to a screeching halt on the side of the road. "Bella, what the hell are you doing?!" she yelled, glaring at me. "I refuse to even believe what I just saw! What were you thinking, Isabella!?"

Hearing Alice use my full name snapped me from my daydream. Could it be? "Alice, I wasn't, I mean the thought crossed my mind but, I wouldn't really. Oh, Alice, I don't want this pain anymore!" I started sobbing and Alice pulled me close to her. I pulled myself away and wiped my tears. I'm so tired of crying! Alice looked taken aback, but she gave me my space and pulled back onto the road. We drove in silence the rest of the way, my mind still trying to deal with what I had just experienced.

Review it makes me to a happy dance!

M