Chapter 3: Separate Ways...with Dubious Consequences!
"This one's not budging either," Yoshi hissed in frustration. He pulled on the window as hard as he could, losing his grip and falling back. He folded his arms and scowled at the window when he saw what little progress he made on it.
Yoshi, Samus, Claude and Kirby had spent the last five minutes exploring the rather large dining room. It was a hunch on Yoshi's part to try the windows - a hunch that didn't pay off.
"They've gotta be nailed or glued shut," Claude thought aloud, peering through the glass to find nothing but fog obscuring dark objects he could only hope were trees. "But that doesn't really make any sense."
"I'm sick of this!" Yoshi declared, hoisting a chair from the table that stretched the length of the room. A blue cord-like beam yanked the chair away before he could throw it.
"Are you out of your mind?" Samus reprimand Yoshi quickly. If she hadn't been holding the chair with her free hand, she would have given him a good whack across the face. "You can't decide to just destroy people's homes!"
"Then maybe the doors and windows should open! If we can't find a way out, I'll make one myself!"
Claude let out a cynical laugh. "We've only been in here for fifteen minutes and you already went and snapped on us."
Yoshi pointed at him accusingly. "I didn't snap! It's just...this place is giving me the creeps! We should have never come here!"
Samus let out a frustrated sigh. "My scan visor is on the fritz."
"You picked a fine time to malfunction!"
"You've got a lot of sass considering that your only contribution so far has been whining and attempting to throw furniture through the windows."
Claude ignored Yoshi and Samus' bickering when he turned his attention to Kirby. It seemed that the little puffball was making no attempts to explore the room or find any exits. In fact, he seemed to be lost in thought.
"Kirby, what's wrong? You didn't say anything ever since we came in here."
Kirby looked up and said in a hushed voice, "I was waiting to see how long you guys were going to ignore what happened to Captain Falcon."
"What are you talking about?" Yoshi asked, visibly irritated by the subject. "It was typical Falcon shenanigans, even Claude's learned to ignore him by now."
"No, it's not! He said he was thrown down the stairs!" Kirby shouted. The others were taken aback as Kirby rarely ever raised his voice at anyone without reason. He was normally a cheerful and relaxing entity to be around.
Kirby took their ensuing silence to be skepticism. He expected it. "Look, I'm one of the first ones to admit that Captain Falcon isn't the sharpest tack in the box and he is hard to get along with sometimes but throwing himself down the stairs isn't something he would do! It's not 'typical Falcon' at all!"
Yoshi threw his hands on his hips and sneered at Kirby. "Well what do you want us to say? A ghost pushed Falcon down the stairs? That's ridiculous!"
Samus continued to fiddle with her scan visor to no avail. "You believe we're in a real haunted house? That's quite a leap, Kirby."
"Is it really? We're trapped in a strange house in the middle of nowhere! We were chased in here by some creature. The doors and the windows won't open, Captain Falcon was hurled down a flight of steps and now your suit is malfunctioning for no apparent reason. Are you trying to say that all of this is a series of coincidences? We must have some terrible luck if that's true!"
"I'm not saying these are all coincidences, but there has to be a logical explanation. I still think you're jumping to absurd conclusions, though."
"But this is Hyrule!" Kirby pleaded. "Who says that this isn't just some poe's idea of a practical joke? We are at the Poe Festival, after all. At least...we were there."
"It's not really their style, and there have been no visual clues." Samus wouldn't budge from her position, and it was only serving to frustrate Kirby further.
"Why are you guys fighting me on this? You're being so stubborn...almost like...oh, I get it. Madam Baker told us to avoid the house, if you admit that this place is haunted then it would be like admitting that she was right."
"Ridiculous!" Yoshi screamed before Samus could get her own protests in. "Now that you've said that I'm definitely convinced that this house ISN'T haunted! That old hag is probably behind everything! She trapped us in here to scare us because she knows her fortunes are fake!"
"So it's a conspiracy?" Kirby asked incredulously, holding back a chuckle.
"It's more plausible than GHOSTS! Right, Claude?"
"What?" Claude asked, alarmed that he was suddenly thrust into the argument.
"Whose side are you on? Madam Faker is a joke, right?" Yoshi prodded, looking for approval.
"You can't believe that, can you? It's possible she knows what she's talking about! Right?" Kirby tugged at Claude's pants and gave him one of his brightest smiles.
Claude pushed them both away. "Stop it, I'm not on anybody's side! I don't know if she's a real psychic or not. What I do know is she ain't trapped in here with us. So here's the deal, stop bringin' her up or you'll just keep fussin' each other out."
"I can agree to that," Samus said. The others nodded. "Anyways, there's nothing here for us."
"Let's check out the kitchen," Claude suggested. "Might be a back door in there."
Captain Falcon, Link, Zelda, Young Link and Marth crept down one of the upper floor's hallways. Well, it was mostly Captain Falcon creeping. A few minutes earlier, he implored them to take caution while exploring the house. The only reason they obliged was because he was taking up most of the space in the hallway and no one wanted to knock him or any of the furniture over just to keep moving at a faster pace.
Marth, however, was finding his patience wearing thin.
"Why are you creeping through this hallway? We have not heard nor seen another soul since we parted ways with the others."
Captain Falcon slowly craned his neck to stare at Marth with a horrified expression. "You said soul," he whispered solemnly.
Marth furrowed his brows and rested a hand on the Falchion. "What in Altea are you speaking of?"
He closed in on the prince so that their faces were only inches apart. "We're in a haunted house. You don't want the ghosts to steal your soul!"
"Your sooouuuullll!!!" Falcon screamed, jumping over to Link and shaking him violently by his tunic.
"Falcon, stop it!" Zelda pleaded. "You're scaring Young Link." She rubbed the smaller Link's shoulders to console him.
"Fine," Captain Falcon replied, straightening his posture. "I should be acting more in-character anyway. There's nothing to be afraid of. Arrrgh!"
"In-character? You're not even supposed to be in a costume," the younger Link said, his words cutting surprisingly deep.
"That's...beside the point," Falcon said, waving dismissively.
"...what point?"
Captain Falcon marched past Young Link without an answer, instead choosing to open the nearest door. He stepped in with little care, and they followed.
It was a mid-sized bedroom. Against the wall was a bed with burgundy sheets decorated in bronze flower petals. On the other side of the room was a dresser with an oval mirror and two chairs under a small desk with a lamp, as well as a closet in the right corner. The lone window was stained with age in contrast to the upkeep of the room.
"Hellooo?" Falcon called. "Anyone here? Arrrgh..."
"I would appreciate it if you would stop making that sound. It is quite ridiculous," Marth suggested as a politely as he could. He had had his fill of random 'arrrghs' for a lifetime.
"But...but I'm a Space Pirate!"
"You are not a Space Pirate!"
Captain Falcon huffed, turning away from Marth and choosing instead to melt away his frustration with more candy. "I don't think you're supposed to be doing that," he warned when he noticed Zelda making her way over to the dresser.
"It's simple curiosity," she told him, opening the drawers in succession, looking for anything that could help them. It was a fruitless search. "There's nothing in here."
Link opened the closet to find the same result.
"This latest oddity has certainly piqued my interest," Marth thought aloud. The prince held a hand to his chin as he pondered the situation. "This room is fully furnished, as is most of the house as we have seen it. Yet...we have not encountered a single person, and there seems to be no personal possessions or clothing of any sort to indicate that people are living in here. But there are few signs of neglect or dilapidation."
"Except for the lawn," Zelda added on.
"Yes, the lawn certainly was horrendous," he agreed.
POP!
They quickly turned to the source of the sound and groaned at the sight of pink bubble gum plastered to Captain Falcon's face.
"Sorry," he muttered through the gum. He removed it and tried to smile sheepishly.
Zelda sighed. "Let's go. There's nothing in this room that will help us."
"Someone turn on a light."
"It's not working," Samus confirmed, flicking the switch a few times.
"Figures," Claude muttered as they walked through the dark kitchen. That was until Yoshi threw open the refrigerator door, casting a small but much appreciated light into the room.
"We're supposed to be looking for an exit, not a snack," Samus said when he began to rummage through the contents of the fridge.
"Are you kidding? If we're going to be locked in here we might as well enjoy the free food! There's all kinds of tasty looking stuff in here." Yoshi pulled out a large ham and presented to the others. "Do any of you want to try the ham? ...No?"
Before anyone could reply, his tongue entangled the ham in its grasp and he swallowed it in one gulp.
"...where do the bones go?" Claude asked.
"Don't ask," Samus replied.
After an obnoxiously loud burp, Yoshi voiced something that had started to concern him. "Where's Kirby? I haven't seen the little guy since we came in here."
"I'm right here," Kirby responded, stepping into the kitchen.
"Where were you?"
"I got lost looking for a bathroom," Kirby said. He shrugged, or at least did a motion that was a close to shrugging as he could get without shoulders.
"I swear I saw a door over here," Claude said, looking at the one empty wall in the kitchen.
"There's no exit in here," Kirby interjected, but he was mostly ignored.
"There's an outline like there used to be a door frame here," Samus pointed out as she examined the space.
"That's crazy talk," Kirby threw in again, determined to be acknowledged. "Where would a door disappear to?" All eyes turned to him in a display of suspicion.
"I didn't say the door disappeared," Samus began, studying the strange life form before her. "But what's with your attitude all of a sudden? You were the main propagator in this group for a haunted house full on unexplainable events and now you're sounding as skeptical as the rest of us."
Kirby let out a nervous laugh. "It's no big deal, really. I was just trying to tell you that when I got lost, I think that I may have stumbled over a real exit."
"Why didn't you say so sooner? Show it to us!" Yoshi cried, pushing Kirby out of the kitchen. They followed him back into the depths of the house.
A few minutes later, attention was brought to the refrigerator's light since the door was left ajar.
"Hello? Anybody in here?" The small form stepped into the light and peered around the kitchen. It was Kirby, lost and alone.
"Where did everybody go? They said they were going to the kitchen..." He noticed the door in the corner and turned the knob. "I can't believe they left me in this spooky house all by myself."
He slowly opened it to find a terrace leading into the backyard. It was caked in fog and darkness, and in the distance he heard an incessant growling. It reminded him of the creature they saw on the way to the mansion; he slammed the door shut as quickly as possible after imagining it mauling him to death.
"Okay, maybe they didn't leave me after all..."
"What's in there?" Zelda asked the child peering through the cracked door of another bedroom.
Young Link shut the door. His face was paler than it had been seconds ago. "Redeads. Lots of Redeads."
The adults traded alarmed glances. The first signs of life they happen to come upon, and it's Redead; some of the most egregious undead known throughout the Nintendoverse.
"Are you sure?" the princess asked.
"I know those hideous things when I see them. Can't you hear the moans?"
The familiar, haunting moans of the Redead echoed out of the room and down the halls. Zelda let out an involuntary shudder while Link grimaced. Marth did not seem affected, and if anything, Captain Falcon's curiosity was struck by this phenomenon.
"Do you think they're behind all of this?"
"The Redead?" Zelda inquired with a hint of skepticism. "All they do is shuffle around, they hardly have the power to trap people inside of houses."
"I think we should question them," Falcon said, reaching for the door.
"I wouldn't do that unless you want them to hump your face," Young Link cautioned the older but simpler man. Captain Falcon did not heed his warning and opened the door anyway.
Unfortunately, a Redead had made its way closer to the doorway and flipped out upon sight. Its shrill, paralyzing cry mixed with Captain Falcon's own girlish screams as he dove to the ground. The Redead jumped out of the room wildly, its rotten body flailing until it managed to grab someone.
It latched onto Marth, squeezing and groping the prince in ways I'm not entirely comfortable describing here. Why Redead chose this particular style of offense was a mystery older than Hyrule itself.
The Redead collapsed to the floor with the Falchion driven through its chest. It disintegrated in a mass of green flames, leaving the sword to tumble on the scorch marks left in the red carpet. Young Link had already taken the opportunity to close the door before anymore Redead could take advantage of the commotion and sexually harass the rest of them.
In an attempt to comfort himself, Captain Falcon grabbed a handful of candy from his bag and shoved it in his mouth with the wrappers still intact.
"This man...this man! This man!" Marth snapped. He snatched the candy bag from Captain Falcon and swiftly conked him over the head with it. He then shoved it back into Falcon's arms as if nothing had happened.
"I apologize for my actions but I could take no more of this behavior without reprimanding the culprit!!"
"Jeez Marth...don't burst a blood vessel," Young Link dryly told the prince.
"You have insulted our intelligence with stories of soul-eating, you have assaulted my ears with nonsensical pirate mutterings and chewing gum, and my cape is still covered in bits of candy that have flown out of your flapping gums on countless occasions since the night began! And to continue outperforming yourself, you let loose a creature that I am entirely sure had full intentions of molesting me! You have no respect for those around you and I have the right of mind to get as far away from you as possible!"
On cue, the opening of a lock sounded and the floor fell out beneath Marth, dropping him into unknown depths of the house. The trap door closed just as quickly as it appeared.
"Oh my god, the house ate Marth!!!" Captain Falcon screamed, candy and wrappers shooting out of his mouth.
Link investigated, finding no signs of a hidden compartment. The floor was solid.
"I thought the ghosts were going to eat his soul, but the house ate his whole body! This place is evil!"
"Get a hold of yourself!" Zelda shrieked, slapping Captain Falcon across the face. He came back to what few senses he had to begin with and fell silent.
"We need to find Marth, but I think the most important thing right now is to regroup with the others and let them know what happened. Alright?"
The others nodded in agreement, seeing no reason to challenge her authority.
"Okay then," Zelda spoke in a much softer tone. "Does anyone know what direction we came from?"
Just what exactly is going on here? Where did Marth go and why are there two Kirbys? Some light will be shed on these peculiar events and the house's history in chapter 4.