Chapter 17

Milla dearest,

I'm so glad you liked our gift. And I'm happy Ian hasn't managed to blow up Hogwarts or kill himself yet. It's a wonder he's still alive after all these years. Dad says he hopes you had a lovely birthday and that Ian was nice to you (or else).

Ginny and Harry say hello, sweetheart. They're here with us now, having dinner with us. When you get home, we'll have a family dinner with them. We miss you! Holidays are soon, though, and that will be lovely.

We're attending the Potters' Christmas Eve fete as usual, dearest. Oh, and the Wood family will be joining us for Christmas day (as will the Potters). Just to let you know, Milla, in advance. I do so hate when you're out of the loop.

Anyway, I hope term is going well and I'll see you soon. Dad says he loves you.

And Ginny wants me to tell you to tell James to writer her because apparently he hasn't the past two weeks.

I'll end this monstrosity of a letter now.

I love you,

Mum

P.S. Look after Ian!

I grinned ironically. Like hell I'd be speaking to James about his mother. James and I were trying to act normally, but things were stilted. We didn't discuss our heated snogging or anything – even the argument before it. We just kind of tiptoed around it like it didn't happen. I think we didn't know how to handle such a development in our relationship.

At breakfast a few days later I asked James to pass the bread rolls and he said with a smile, "Yeah sure. Hey do you think you could help me with those Quidditch –"

As he handed me the basket, his fingers overlapped mine a little when I grasped for the basket and he snatched his hand away, as though burned. Flushing a little, he continued, "Help me with those Quidditch plays?"

I looked a little dazed. "Um, er, yeah, sure. Later?"

I caught Char sending Ben a smug look and I looked at her confusedly. She smiled broadly and took a large bite of chicken. Psh. Bloody Charlotte. Thinks she knows everything.

In the common room later that day I sat doing some Transfiguration homework, waiting for James to appear.

"Hey, Milla," he said cheerfully, sitting next to me. But not too close to me. I noticed grimly that he was careful to keep a good amount of space between us, which was totally unusual for us. I mean, usually as soon as he plopped down next to me I'd lay on him or he'd put his head in my lap. This stilted awkwardness and concept of personal space and boundaries were completely alien to me – it had never been a part of my relationship with James.

As long as I can remember, he and I always were the sort to hug or be completely and utterly comfortable with one another. This past week had been a whole new world for me. It was like we were trying to revert to normalcy, to what we'd been before, and there was such a tenuous, delicate thread connecting us to our past selves that we were behaving like strangers, terrified we would shatter whatever this precarious entente was.

It was getting bleeding annoying, that's what.

"So, you ready?" I asked, biting my lip.

"Yep," he responded pulling out a stack of papers. "So I was thinking of this particular formation for our match with Slytherin – I invented it myself, so I think we should call it The James."

I burst out laughing.

He looked at me with a serious expression.

I finally sobered up enough to stare at him incredulously. "You can't be serious."

"It IS my middle name," he said cheekily.

"Shut up, you dolt."

"But seriously," he said with a wry grin, "We should name it The James. It has a certain…ring to it."

I put my hand on his shoulder with the intention of shoving him but the second I touched him I felt flustered and snatched my arm away. James coughed.

"Well, anyway," he said, concentrating on his paper. "What should we do after that?"

"Have Char do the Wronski Feint," I said, a little embarrassed by my mistake.

"Brilliant," he said happily, beaming at me, and automatically threw an arm around my shoulder. I immediately stiffened and James pulled away, looking a bit hurt.

I looked down, playing with the tassel on a throw pillow.

"I ,., I have to go see Miranda," I said, fishing for an excuse to leave. "I .,. promised I'd help her with Ancient Runes."

"Okay," he said uncertainly, gazing at me. "See you later."

"Bye."

Oh God, this had to stop. It was so damn awkward.

"Oi, Milla!"

I looked up, and Ian came bounding over.

"Have you grown, shrimp?" I asked teasingly.

He threw a pillow at me.

"Shut up, idiot. Soon and I'll be taller than you," he said indignantly.

"Yeah right. And Mum likes you better than me," I said disbelievingly.

He snorted. "Yeah, right."

I threw a pillow back at him.

"What's up?" I finally asked.

"I wanted to know what's going on with you and James."

I blanched. I had not been expecting this question.

"Um," I picked at a loose seam. "I'm not sure."

Ian gave me a wary look. "You sure?"

I nodded slowly.

"I've seen you been acting weirdly around him the past few weeks. What happened?" he asked with an expression eerily similar to Mum's.

"Well… we, um, oh God this is so awkward – we snogged."

Ian's mouth was gaping, his blue eyes round. "You're joking."

"I wish," I said miserably.

"But … but how?"

"We were fighting and I… I don't know. It just happened."

Ian nodded. "Okay. And you're dating now?"

I looked down and sighed. "No, we're not. So you can't say anything to anyone."

"YOU'RE NOT?" he bellowed.

"Shut up, Ian. And no we're not. James doesn't fancy me."

He looked suspicious. "Hang on… you fancy him though?"

My look of despair answered his question. He looked at me seriously. "I'm sorry, Milla," he said quietly.

I gave a miserable half-smile. "Thanks."

"Do I need to talk to James?" he asked.

I smacked him. "You're two years younger than me, tosser. No way. And James doesn't know, so you can't tell him."

Understanding and pity flashed across his face.

"Well," he said finally. "If you need me to whoop his arse or talk to me, you know where I am."

I smiled and he waved as he trudged out of the room.

"Hey, Ben," I said casually as I met up with him for patrol.

He smiled. "What's up?"

"Just was doing some Charms work," I said.

"I was with Char. We were outside. It's a cold day though, but pretty out."

"So you two are going spiffingly well, yeah?" I said cheerily.

Ben grinned, running a hand through his blond hair. "Yeah, it's brilliant. She's fantastic."

"I know, isn't she?"

"She told me about what happened," he said with a glint in his eye.

"Oh yes – how I spilled my Amortentia during Potions? It was such a disaster that I –"

"No, Milla," he said gently, cutting me off. "About you and James."

I fell silent. "Oh," I said finally. "Well, now I have to kill her," I added, only half-joking.

"I don't know whether to congratulate you or smack him upside the head for being so daft."

I smiled ruefully. "No need to congratulate me. I snogged my best mate – which completely freaked him out, by the way – and he still doesn't know how I feel and we're tiptoeing around each other like nothing happened. He's afraid to get within a ten foot radius of me. And it's been almost three weeks."

Ben grimaced. "He really has no clue?"

"No," I said morosely. "And I can't tell him. Clearly he's already freaked out by what happened. God forbid I tell him more."

Ben nodded. "I'm so lucky to have an easy time of it with Char. None of this weird crap like with you and James."

I laughed. "The only fighting you two do is about Quidditch!"

"I know. We only fight about petty stuff. It's actually kind of fun, but don't tell Char, or she'll castrate me." He looked sheepishly at me.

"Merlin I wish James and I were like you and Char – I mean, you obviously love each other like I love him –"

I slapped a hand over my mouth, eyes wide. Ben stared at me.

"Oh my God," I said faintly after a while. "I love him."

"Yeah," he said wondrously, with a small smile. "I guess you do."

"This is so bad," I groaned. "So so so bad."

""Why?" Ben asked puzzledly.

"Because James doesn't fancy me!" I all but shouted.

"But you kissed…" he shrugged.

"It was a meaningless, impulsive thing for him," I said, eyes downcast.

"But I have this feeling that he does!" said Ben.

"Last time you had a 'feeling' you barfed on me at the party," I said accusingly.

He laughed. "True."

"No," I continued. "In all seriousness. I have to get over this. James doesn't like me; he sees me as his mate. I need to get over this."

"But you're in love with him," he said reasonably.

"Too bad. I need to…just get over this. Whatever it is. Friendship will have to be enough." I sighed tiredly. "And maybe…eventually I won't feel this way about him anymore and someone else…hopefully will come along. It has to be enough."

Ben gave me a look. "Will it?"

I avoided his eye. "It has to be."