Chapter 18

The holidays were approaching. Hagrid brought in the quintessential twelve trees and they were decorated with tinsel and lights and decorations. It was lovely, really. Mistletoe was charmed to hang at various places in the castle and some of the ghosts and Peeves the Poltergeist were singing carols.

Christmas was my favorite time of year.

I sat down at the Gryffindor table for supper and scooped some food on my plate, people chatting around me. Miranda sat down across from me and smiled, grabbing the potatoes.

"Hey, Milla," she said cheerfully. "Can't wait for Christmas. It's nineteen days!"

AH! YES!

I needn't act like a child, really. I was seventeen, for goodness' sake.

"I'm excited too," I said demurely, but my eyes were sparkling.

Suddenly Nate Walters came swiftly over to us, his eyes on Miranda. He sat down next to her and I looked questioningly at Miranda. She shrugged.

"Hey, Nate," I said. "What's up?"

"Not much. I love the hols. But I needed to ask Miranda something," he said, looking at her meaningfully.

"Yes?" she said with an inquisitive glance.

He took a deep breath. "I was wondering…. If you would do me the honor of being my girlfriend."

Miranda shrieked. "Oh my God!" she breathed, a huge smile on her face. "Yes! Yes!"

She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him soundly.

I felt my eyes become a little misty. Oh, God. Don't you just love cheesy moments like these?

I felt a bit like the mother when her daughter gets married.

"Congratulations, you lot," I said warmly.

They ignored me. As they should. They were, after all, busy snogging.

"They're dating!" I exclaimed and Luke looked aghast.

"Already?" he asked in surprise.

"What d'you mean, already?' I asked with a raised brow. "They've been flirting for ages."

Luke looked thoughtful. "I suppose so, yes. But do you reckon they'll last?"

I nodded. "I think so. Say, Luke, do you fancy anyone?"

Luke gave me a sly smile. "Well, I snogged Livvy the other night, if that counts."

I smacked him on the arm. "You're a prat, you know that? I don't understand how you and Char are related."

Luke looked thoughtful. "Me neither, come to think of it."

I laughed. "I know. It's hard to believe you're twins, except you look similar. And you're both fanatical about Quidditch. Well, obviously, your dad is Oliver Wood."

Luke chortled. "I know. Thanks to Dad we're completely obessed."

"How are your parents, by the way?"

Luke shrugged. "Good, I reckon. Mum wrote me and told me that my cousin Grayer has started playing Quidditch!"

I laughed. "Runs in the family."

"Yes. Speaking of which, we've got Quidditch now, don't we?"

"Shit!"

With that we took off jogging toward the pitch.

A few days later, I was sitting in the common room, reading Witch Weekly and drinking a cosmo ( an indulgence I rarely allowed myself during the week) when I heard Ben and Char's voices floating over from where they were sitting by the fire. Evidently they didn't know I was here or they'd be sitting with me.

"They clearly need some help to get together. He's just being dense," came Char's voice.

"I agree," said a deep voice (Ben, presumably). "We should prod them in the right direction."

I put down my magazine and listened intently.

"Maybe lock them in a closet?"

"No," was the amused reply.

"The Room of Requirement?"

"No! It can't be mean."

"Well since you're such an expert on this topic why don't you come up with an idea, O Brilliant One?"

"Um… how about we charm some mistletoe to you know … bring about some fortuitous circumstances. At least for one of the parties involved, but I highly suspect both."

Hmm. I wonder whom they were discussing. Maybe Luke and Livvy? Or Lily and her best friend, Lleyton Hughes?

"Well," said Charlotte grudgingly. "I suppose that is rather good."

"I know."

"Oh shut up. You needn't be so arrogant, you tosser."

I laughed quietly and turned back to my Charms homework, fully intending to see and find out what they meant … or rather, whom they meant to help.

I veered the corner and slung the bag more highly on my shoulder. I entered the common room, which was bright and busy as usual with hoards of people chatting and doing work and some people (cough*Luke*cough) pulling pranks. But I was lost in my thoughts. Bloody James – he really was killing us with his Nazi practices. I smacked into a hard chest and looked up started, into a pair of familiar dark eyes.

Oh shit. James I hadn't been in this close proximity with him since … um …. That day.

James looked a bit panicky as he realized he was very close to me, but he quickly masked his confusion with a smile.

I didn't want to know what my face looked like. I probably looked like I was being attacked by rampaging Hippogriffs.

"Hey, Milla," he said as he tried to pull away, but it was like he was magnetically attached to me. He couldn't move away. I pulled away but was pushed right back into James. What the…?

James looked up and his face whitened. I glanced up and saw a sprig of mistletoe. Usually these filled me with good cheer and holiday spirit. Now I felt like vomiting.

Shit fuck.

James ran a hand through his hair and his broad shoulders stiffened. His dark eyes bore into mine.

"Well," he said tentatively. "Shall we get it over with?"

Over with?

So that's exactly how he really felt about me. I was something that had to be done quickly so that I could be disregarded and thrown aside for something better. I was nothing to him.

"Yes," I said tiredly.

He leaned down towards me, closing the small distance that was between us. His lips captured mine and although his facial expression was hesitant as he bent down toward me, he began kissing me feverishly and I automatically wrapped my arms around his neck, my bag dropping to the ground. He had has hands gripping my hips tightly and I was clinging to him like he would disappear. I forgot where I was. Who I was. Whom I was kissing.

In that moment I had a rare glimpse of perfection.

His lips gently nipped my bottom lip and his tongue delved into my mouth. I groaned and he gripped me more tightly. I had my fingers wound tightly in his hair. Oh God, I loved him.

And then reality came crashing down over me like a gargantuan wave. This was James. And me. And I was kissing him when I'd vowed to accept friendship as enough. This was James who didn't reciprocate my feelings. Who never would.

I wrenched my lips from his, an immeasurable sadness washing over me. I felt tears gather in my eyes and I avoided his eye. I couldn't be around him right now. I needed… I needed to leave. Now.

I gathered my bag, tears spilling from my eyes. I walked quickly toward the stairs leading up to my dorm.

"Milla!" I heard Char yelling after me.

I turned one last time to see James staring at me in bewilderment, his hair mussed and his lips swollen.

I quickly swiveled and hurried up the stairs. I heard Charlotte behind me.

I collapsed on my bed, tears streaming down my face. Char sat down next to me and rubbed my back soothingly. I played with a strand of hair mindlessly, mired in misery.

"I'm sorry," she said after a while.

I blew my nose. "Where's Miranda?"

"With Nate."

I gave a half-smile. "Lucky her."

Char smiled sadly. "It'll happen for you, Milla. If James can't see how wonderful you are, then he's not it. You'll find The One. Want my checklist?"

I gave a mirthless laugh. "God. I feel so stupid."

"It's my fault," Char said eventually, looking down.

"What?" I said, alert.

"Ben and I were being stupid. We just thought … we could prod you two along. Kind of catalyze your relationship. So we were bouncing around ideas …"

"Wait! It was me and James you were discussing?" I asked incredulously.

Char looked guilty. "You heard?"

"Yes! I thought you were discussing someone else. Merlin. I can't believe this."

"I'm sorry."

I sighed. "I know you didn't mean it. But why did you have to meddle? James and I were only slightly getting back to normal!"

"Because you two are the perfect couple! He's … he's your soulmate!" she exclaimed.

I felt tears prick my eyes. "He's … he's not. He's my best mate. And that's it," I said firmly, trying to get myself to calm the hopeful churning in my stomach and my omnipresent despair at my situation.

"I'm sorry," she repeated quietly. "I shouldn't have done that."

"No. It's not your fault. Of course I love him. I always have and I always will. But it can't be … in the way I love him now. He's my best mate and that's how he sees me. I need to accept that."

Char nodded and rubbed my back.

I finally fell asleep in peace for the first time in a long time. I had a plan to finally get over him.

Dearest Milla,

We can't wait to see you tomorrow! Pack your trunk. Make sure Ian does as well. We're so happy it's the holidays! I do so love this time of year.

Don't forget, dearest, we have the Potters' annual party and we can't wait to see you. Have a safe trip home.

Love,

Mum

I smiled slightly as I packed my trunk to go home. I couldn't wait. I needed a break.

The next day, I sat in a compartment with Char, Miranda, Ben, and Luke. And James.

Whom I currently wasn't speaking to. I was still shaken up over the whole ordeal, and couldn't bring myself to speak to him, or even look him in the eye. He kept trying to catch my gaze or chat with me, but I couldn't look him in the eye. Frankly, it was difficult enough to even be in the same compartment as him.

I needed space from him. I needed to get over him. I couldn't do that when I was in such close proximity to him. When I was around him, I was hyperaware of it. I could tell what he was thinking by his facial expressions. I could predict his reactions to something Luke said. I could sense his discomfort around me.

Even though I tried to ignore him, I missed him. Every time I turned around to exchange a quip with him, I felt morose as I remembered I wasn't supposed to be talking to him.

It was bloody difficult.

When Ben made a joke about Professor Binns, a great big grin spread across James's face (which I was staring at even though I was supposed to be avoiding his eye). An answering smile spread across mine, and I suppressed it quickly, hoping no one noticed.

But I caught Miranda looking at me with a knowing eye, a sad expression on her face.