***A/N*** WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS NOT FOR THE INNOCENT! For the mature-minded, or over 18s only ;)

'August 30th 2002

Journal,
this is the first time I've written in this since I was sixteen… before I went away. The cliff notes version? Buffy went all psycho alternative reality gal for six years and now she's back, confused as ever. I'm not sure why I decided to start speaking in the third person, it sounded way better in my head. So I've spent six months getting better after they …released… me from the clinic. The key term here being 'released'. Any who, those six years before I got out of the clinic… well, they were a mix of shock, contentment, passion, anger, guilt, anguish and utter turmoil, all wrapped into one with a ribbon on it. But that was all I knew. That's just the way it was, and I prayed, and prayed, that things would get better. I didn't expect 'better' to turn into me realising I was in a psychiatric ward making up a whole other life. There are still a few things I can't understand. The doctors told me that I made up being a slayer because I felt as though I wasn't important, and I wasn't in control of things – which is why I made myself a hero. The thing I don't understand is; why would my ideal alternate universe include mom and dad not being together? Moving away from my entire life in L.A? Why would my ideal life include mom having a brain tumour, and then dying from a brain haemorrhage? Why would I have wanted to die, be ripped out of heaven and be bankrupt? It felt too real and I can't make any sense of it all…sometimes I feel like I'm on autopilot. Like I'm not really here; I'm not really anywhere. I'm not complaining, I have a fantastic life right now. Too fantastic…

I was fine for six months until he showed up. I know it's not really him but, seriously. It's like someone built an Angel bot; not forgetting to include all his annoying gorgeousness. I haven't told him anything, it would just freak him out. "Hey Liam, would you happen to be a robotic clone of an almost three hundred year old vampire that I whisked up, with my over-active schizophrenia, called Angel? …Oh, you're leaving so soon?" I'm pretty sure that's how that conversation would go.

I know this sounds really weird but… I can't get close to Liam. No, can't isn't the right word… I don't want to. As much of a figment of my imagination Angel is… was… I feel like I'd be betraying him. I'm the psychotic girl who's in love with someone who lives in my cerebrum.

But since I've been around Liam, I think I have had a few relapses. It feels like I've suddenly "remembered" these new memories, and they all come crashing down on me like a ton of bricks (or that's what it feels like on my head anyway), 'memories' that happened when I wasn't right. But there was one 'memory', that I don't even remember conjuring in my Buffyverse, as I've decided to call it, referring to it as 'alternative universe' all the time is getting tiresome. Speaking of tiresome, I'm sleepy. I should have said tired, that would have sounded better. I'll bear that in mind.

Until the next time I have to rant,
B.'

Buffy shut her journal and tucked it into the drawer of her bedside table. She cringed inwardly, thinking about the previous night's occurrences. She had gained another 'memory', and this one was just as hard to conceal as the others. Liam held her close as he realised she was having another one of the 'attacks' that she had experienced earlier in the day.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked her when she had stopped wincing. He felt her silently shaking her head 'no' against his arm. "That's okay," he continued "I'm just… I'm just glad that I'm here."

"Thank you," Buffy whispered as a tear that she had been fighting so hard to hold escaped, leaving a vertical trail along her cheek. Quietly sniffling, she prayed he wouldn't notice.

"He's going to think I'm a complete psycho!" she told herself as she thought about it for the millionth time that day. In all honesty, waking up next to him that morning had been completely awkward – neither had known what to say to each other apart from 'good morning'. She couldn't even remember what triggered him going back to his apartment. It shouldn't have been awkward; it wasn't as though they had just had a one-night stand – she just couldn't face the thought of him thinking she was completely and utterly berserk. Sighing, Buffy looked at the alarm clock, reading 21:30. 'It's a bit early, but I haven't got anything better to do…' she thought as she decided to get under the covers and try to curse herself silly into a slumber. That said, she heard a knock at her front door.

Releasing an exasperated sigh, she climbed back out from under the covers and padded into the entrance to look through the peep hole – sure enough – to see Liam.

"Fuck," she whispered as she quickly smoothed out her hair. She partially stood behind the door as she opened it, looking at Liam timidly.

"Buffy!" He exclaimed, half expecting her not to be home. "I uh… didn't see you around. Are you alright?"

"It's been a day," not realising the icy tone that had escaped unintentionally.

'God she is so beautiful…although I'm sure she seems to get thinner by the day,' Liam thought. "Yeah," he ran his fingers through his hair awkwardly as he half glanced her over. She was wearing a black satin spaghetti-strap chemise which, he noticed even from being face-to-face with her, barely covered the glorious curve of her ass. With the 'dipped' neckline detailed in lace, he quickly darted his tongue out to wet his lips as he tried not to stare at the outline of her firm, round breasts. "uh, after this morning I…umm…"

"It was weird," Buffy clarified for him. "I know." She hesitated, not wanting him to think she was being rude or that she was trying to brush him off. "Do you wanna come in? For some coffee or something? And talk?"

"Sure," Liam smiled. He slowly entered the apartment as she moved aside as a motion to come in, stopping to wait for her to shut the door.

"Do you take cream and sugar?" She asked, making her way to the kitchen. Looking around, Liam noticed that she had hung up a few framed photographs; something she must have done while she had been avoiding him today. There were none that looked as though they were recent, or even taken within the last five years or so – and he knew why.

"Please," he nodded, watching her pour the coffee from a pot on her coffee machine into two cups, adding cream and sugar to both – a triple helping of both to her cup, it seemed. "So…" he started again, accepting the cup of coffee from Buffy.

"I'm sorry," she interrupted him before taking a sip from her cup. "I don't know why it's so awkward," she lied. Of course I know. I just need him to not know that I'm… not well. "I don't want it to be. You're a good guy,"

"I'm sensing that there's a 'but' coming right up here," Liam laughed slightly anxiously, not taking his eyes off her.

She merely gave him a sad smile in response. There was no need for words, she thought. 'He understands. There's no need to say anything else.'

"I'm sorry Buffy," he set his cup of coffee down on the counter, continuing "but I just can't accept that. I'm a good guy, but… what? You're a beautiful girl with a tendency to murder kittens? I can deal with that," He laughed.

Buffy couldn't help but laugh at that, too. 'Angel used to pun and throw his wit at me'. "No… no. I don't murder kittens," she shook her head, still stifling laughter. In all seriousness, she put her cup down and looked into his eyes. 'His deep, dark, pools of chocolaty goodness…' "You think I'm beautiful?" She asked as she inched closer towards him, now standing dangerously close. Pelvises about two inches apart close.

As he looked down at her, he saw the emptiness in her eyes that changed to hope when she looked into his. "You're a Goddess, Buffy…" He whispered, cupping her face with his warm hands…closer…closer…She felt a tingle of electricity surge through her as she took in a sharp breath in disbelief of how close they were physically getting. She wanted so badly to just kiss him. Just kiss me, please.

At that very moment, she felt his lips caress hers, warm and soft – she felt his breath, growing more rapid with every tug of their lips. No, this is nothing like kissing my Angel. But one thing was for sure – she hadn't felt as safe as she did now, since she had 'been' with Angel in her Buffyverse. But none of that was real. This is.

Somehow, they had managed to move from the kitchen to the couch without even moving their lips away from one another. Easing Buffy on to the couch, he grinned against her soft, supple lips as her legs automatically wrapped themselves around his hips, securing his position. Parting to breathe as much as possible, a thought struck Buffy. 'Oh. Fuck. Angel wasn't real. None of them were real… so that means I… I haven't… fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Double fuck. FUCK! I can't tell him, I don't want him to stop…' She bit her bottom lip as she was taken out from her own thoughts by Liam taking his vest and sweat pants off, with nothing but a pair of black silk Calvin Klein boxers depriving Buffy of his (very well endowed, from what she could see) manhood. She let out a small cry, letting him know of her need for him. He leaned closer towards her once more, pressing his lips against hers more deeply now, filled with more want, as he slid her chemise off with ease, exposing her breasts and her erect, rosy nipples. Catching one of them between his lips, Buffy moaned in delight as he sucked and teased it, grazing it with his teeth. I need more. Cupping his tight, muscular ass, she squeezed slightly before moving to latch her thumbs on the insides of his boxers on either side of his hips. Liam let out a small desire-driven growl as she pulled the material down completely exposing his now free cock. Oh my Goddess, she breathed, once again biting down on her bottom lip. Now that he had her attention, he removed her French lace panties in an almost painfully slow motion, with the intention of teasing her.

"Liam…" she sighed, running her fingers through his hair as he moved his way up her legs, arriving at his destination to take in the scent of her dripping wet core. 'I never thought anybody could want me so much,' Liam thought to himself, regarding her arousal. Now both fully naked, Buffy once again wrapped her legs around his hips, her wetness grazing his stiff cock as she went along, earning herself another desire-driven growl that erupted from his throat. He trailed kisses all along her neck and the valley of her breasts, not missing out even an inch of her.

"Buffy," he said, looking at her questioningly "are you sure?"

"Yes," she nipped his bottom lip "please… I need you." She almost whined, tightening her grip around his hips with her thighs.

"Not here, baby," he responded to her tightening grip by cupping her ass, carrying her into the bedroom. He gently laid her on the bed, keeping his position between her legs. Now kneeling, he grabbed her wrists in each of his hands, pinning them above her and trailing kisses down her arms, all the way to her breasts – flicking his tongue around one of her taut nipples, and in turn, tracing circles around the other.

"Liam… I'm gonna explode! I want you,"

"Patience, lover…" He teased as he continued to torture her, licking every inch of skin he could find in front of him. Deciding he was done teasing, he made his way back up to her, looking into her eyes to see the lust and adoration glowing in them. Pulling her legs around him once more, he teased her for the last time with the tip of his cock against her clit, before slowly entering her warmth with a hiss. Both Buffy and Liam moaned in ecstasy, feeling as though they would climax in that one motion – her wet pussy was so hot and tight around his cock, he didn't ever want to leave.

Feeling a sharp pain as he thrust deeper into her core, she knew her barrier had been broken – this time, for real. She bit her lip and dug her nails into his back as tears sprung, easing her mind of the pain. As he realised what he had just done, Liam took a harsh breath, in two minds about whether or not to carry on and looked back into Buffy's eyes. "Buffy, I didn't kn-"

"Shh," She interrupted, thrusting her hips upwards to fully sheath him back inside her, moaning at the contact "it's okay… please… don't stop," she pleaded, continuing to thrust her hips. Giving in to her pleading, he placed his hands back on her thighs and lifted them up, over his shoulders, grinning. He then retracted his cock out of her heat, only to thrust into her harder than before, copying the rhythm of her hips. Skin against skin, she felt a warmth move from her toes, through her legs, moving further and further up, and she knew she was close. Tightening her grip around his hips, she urged him to go harder – deeper, but he would not comply.

"I don't want to hurt you," he whispered through pants, hissing with every thrust – her tightness was enough to send him over the edge.

"Liam," she moaned, running her hands through her hair now, throwing her head back as she felt her climax draw closer and closer. "Oh, Liam, Liam… Liam!" She screamed, allowing the pure ecstasy to finally possess her, calling his name out with every thrust – something that made Liam unable to keep control anymore. With the next three thrusts, they clung to each other as waves of bliss over took their bodies, beads of sweat falling and Buffy's screams echoing throughout the apartment. Liam kissed her hard as he released his hot seed inside her, with her core clenching and unclenching around his cock, almost milking him. Breathing heavily, he broke their connection and collapsed beside her, a look of absolute contentment spread across his 'annoyingly gorgeous' features. Inching closer towards her (if it was possible), he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her dampened forehead.

"Wow," they both breathed in unison.