Disclaimer: They're still not mine, which is still good because I'd have made them do stuff like this, and ruined the whole show, by halfway through season one.
PLEASE NOTE: This story contains non-descriptive references to child abuse, including rape. I'm purposely avoiding getting descriptive in the discussion of Mary's past, but it will be mentioned, and referenced, and the related issues will be mentioned, probably frequently. If you think the rating or the warning needs to be changed, please let me know.
To recap, Marshall and Mary have spent a good couple hours talking, and she's revealed that she has horrific nightmares because as a child, she was sexually abused by at least one of her mother's boyfriends. Then the conversation turned to the fact that Marshall is in love with her, and that she knew – and was afraid of losing that love. And that a lot of why she was willing to marry Raph was because she figured if she never let herself receive Marshall's romantic love, she never had to dread losing said love. She hasn't mentioned anything about how much easier it is, and how much less regret it produces, to make dumb relationship choices in the first place, for ease in sabotaging later, but I'm sure she'll get to that part. Hopefully.
"That's what I'm afraid of losing," she whispered, still firmly planted in his embrace. "I'm so afraid of losing it that I was willing to marry somebody else, to make sure I never let myself experience it in the first place, so it wouldn't hurt to lose it later."
"Yeah, didn't see that one coming," Marshall muttered, fresh tears forming in his own eyes as he held her tightly. He was starting to feel like a wrung-out dishcloth at this point, partly wishing he'd just gone to bed early and never heard that stupid on the porch, but knowing in his heart of hearts that he wouldn't trade this night for all the riches, or sleep, in all the world.
"Mary, listen, this wasn't the way I had in mind for you to figure it out... I never wanted it to come on the heels of a traumatic event, as if it was just some kind of weird PTSD reaction, or something. But... but I guess you've kind of known for a while, so you know that tonight... tonight just drove me to admit it." Mary suddenly backed up out of his arms, looking just a bit perturbed, and slapped his shoulder with an open hand. "What?" Marshall asked, suddenly just a bit insecure.
"You haven't asked yet how I feel about you, dork," she said, a wry smile growing across her features. Marshall blinked. No, no he hadn't. He kind of guessed how she felt, by the way she'd flung herself into his arms at his own admission. But, he reminded himself, making assumptions about Mary's thoughts or feelings was always, always a huge mistake. Besides, obviously this question was important to her.
"All right, what about you, are you in love with me?" he asked, wording the question more or less as she had. He expected her to nod. He even expected her to say yes. He didn't expect her to turn in his arms and brush a light, entirely chaste kiss across his lips. He wanted so badly to turn the kiss into something R-rated, but he knew better than to jump the gun on that one. For one thing, it had been nightmares about sexual abuse that had driven her into his arms tonight. For another, just because they'd been partners, and he'd been in love with her, for years upon years, didn't mean that they could skip the process of dating and getting to know one another in the context of a whole new sort of partnership. These things can't be rushed, and really, he didn't want to rush them. He wanted to savor every step... mostly, anyway.
"Yes, Marshall, I have been in love with you for a very long time. So long that when I started to realize how much my past... my weird issues... screw up every relationship I've ever attempted... how badly all that could hurt you... well, anyway."
"Yeah, speaking of your issues, I think you should see somebody about the nightmares, and any other abuse issues that may come up."
"One reason that I came over here tonight to ask if you could maybe... help me... call Shelly in the morning," Mary replied. "Morning... Jesus. Marshall, it's two in the morning. Stan's going to kill us."
"No, he's not, I texted him a while back and told him we're taking a personal day. Told him you needed a little time to rehash events of the past. He probably assumes we're going over your abduction, or shooting, or something. And that brings me to the other thing. We'll call her in the morning, and put you on her schedule, Mary, but..." Marshall frowned in thought, the sentence harder to say aloud than he'd expected.
"But what, Marshall? What else do you want me to do for the nightmares? What else is there to do?" Marshall grinned at that. He could always count on her to walk right into it, when he had the perfect response waiting.
"Stay with me tonight," he said in that easy way he did when he'd walked his partner right into the perfect position for the next verbal barb. Only this time, it wasn't a barb. Mary looked up at him, just a little wide-eyed.
"I packed a bag, Marshall, but if you think I'm going to give up the goods before the first date, even, I'll shoot you where you sit." He chuckled at her reaction, as she seemed to rediscover the odd mix of sarcasm and honesty, that fit her so well.
"I look forward to the day when we're both ready to 'give up the goods,' Mary, but I have no intention of skipping over any part of the dating process just because we've been best friends for so long. I want you to stay with me tonight, because this crazy woman - who was incredibly hot, too, I might add - barged into my house and just dumped a whole lot of really painful, horrible secrets on me, that she should never have been stuck with in the first place. And after all that, I really need some downtime with my best friend." Mary slapped him again, at that, but he saw the twinkle of mirth come into her eyes at his words. "And," he continued, "I'd like to see if that keeps your nightmares at bay." Mary peered up at him, blinking, her mouth open just a little in that way she did, when somebody said something that brought crystal-clear realization to her. Marshall frowned slightly and waited for her to voice that realization.
"I need to think," Mary said, shaking her head at her partner, as she untangled herself and got off the sofa. "I'm going to get ready for bed." Marshall nodded and watched her go, before getting up and making his way to the master bath to do the same. While he was brushing his teeth, he felt a presence in the room, and glanced up to see her reflection in the mirror, standing in the doorway behind him. She didn't seem like she needed anything, so he let her stand there, while he continued his bedtime routine, slightly unsettled that she was just observing quietly, but it had been a long and difficult night.
"What?" he finally asked, when he was ready to emerge, but she was still blocking the bathroom doorway.
"You think Stan will have a problem if we're dating?" Mary asked, a contemplative frown on her face. That was totally unexpected. The pair made their way to bed as Marshall answered.
"Don't guess so." he said, crawling under the covers before pulling them back to help her in. "The only new thing is that we're being honest about our feelings... as much as we ever are. He saw this one coming for a long time."
"True... hell, Eleanor was hoping it was you and me engaged." Marshall chuckled as Mary reminded him of that day. It had been so incredibly painful to live through, and yet now? Now it was just one more step on the road that led him straight to Mary's heart. Now, laying in his bed gazing at the mop of blonde hair all over his pillows, he wouldn't trade that day, that moment in the journey, for anything.
"Come here, Mer," he muttered, reaching out to turn the bedside light off before he rolled over to wrap an arm around his friend. She obliged, turning to face away from him, but scooting her body closer, letting herself experience the safety of her partner's body protecting her. "You were thinking about something earlier, when I asked you to stay tonight. Did you want to share?" Mary yawned as she thought, trying to remember what it was. Oh... oh yeah. The nightmares.
"The nightmares got worse around the time Raph moved out. I let him stay over that one time since, because I wanted a full night's sleep... well, it didn't hurt that the sex was really good." Marshall nodded slowly at that. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear about it, but he'd figured she had let him back into her bed that night because she was afraid of... well, something.
"Why didn't things work out with him? Not that I'm disappointed to get a second opportunity to court you, but, I just wondered what went wrong. He seems really nice."
"He is nice, he's just not for me." She heaved a sigh before speaking again. "The truth?" Mary asked.
"That's usually your best bet, yeah," her partner replied. Mary moaned softly in frustration, as she seemed to collect her thoughts.
"I wanted him to change... it was like if you have two puzzle pieces that don't go together, but you hold them up and think, they kind of look nice together. So you decide to get out the scissors and make them fit. It just won't work, no matter how hard you try. It's... it's how I keep guys away, a way of controlling the situation, making sure they never get too close. If people are going to abandon me anyway... might as well be my fault, instead of me wondering forever, what I did wrong." If she could have come out with an answer that made him feel more insecure, Marshall couldn't think of it. She couldn't change him any more than he could change her, but now he wondered if Mary realized that.
"Are you afraid you might try to make me change, to be something I'm not?" he asked gently, making a point not to let his concerns show just yet.
"No," Mary answered, firmly, almost before the question was fully out of his mouth. "Absolutely not." Okay, this was good, at least.
"What makes you sure?" he asked, his tone still gentle, curious, exploring what was going on in her mind. He genuinely wondered how somebody who had such a history of sabotaging relationships, could be so secure in the knowledge that she wouldn't do it this time.
"I antagonized Raph every chance I got, partly because I never really wanted to be with him in the first place. Trying to change him at some fundamental level was probably just part of that. We weren't even dating. It was supposed to be just physical, until he went and asked me to freaking marry him. I still don't know why he asked me that. My whole relationship with him was... it was totally screwed-up in so many ways."
"Not really telling me how you know you won't try to change me," Marshall interjected, as soon as there was a lull in her nervous chatter. This was so unlike Mary... if it hadn't been such a serious topic, he really would be enjoying this odd, sleep-deprived mood. Mary glared at him, blowing out a terse sigh.
"I know I'll try to screw this up, somehow. I'm deeply fearful of that, because you're my best friend, and you're... well, you. I cannot imagine that you, after all these years, would pick now to give up on me, but even still, it scares the hell out of me. But trying to change you, that's the one thing I'm not really worried about... and you still want to know why. Damn it, you ask hard questions." Marshall nodded at his partner, taking in all her words, still waiting for the answer to his actual question. If he'd not been so insecure at that moment, he might not have been so caught off-guard by her answer when he finally did get it, might not have been so completely stunned that he simply stared and blinked. But, unfortunately, he was Marshall, quiet, confident, strong, but not above a good bit of self-doubt from time to time. So it did catch him entirely unaware when her answer came, leaving him clutching his partner's hands, fighting to catch his breath.
"Marshall, the reason I know I won't try to change who you are... I wanted so badly to change Raph was because I wanted him to be you."
Yeah, don't get too excited. It seems fast-moving now, but I'm planning to trot out the usual insecurities, struggles, and general mischief. I just wanted to wait until after we established the relationship, instead of before. Much as Marshall didn't want to confess his love for her on the heels of some traumatic event, that's really the only thing that shoves Mary far enough out of her comfort zone to let her guard down... even for him. They step away from their usual sarcastic selves here... I blame the late hour, and the beer. The fact that Mary does actually have a tender heart under the prickly exterior probably figures in, too.
I sincerely appreciate all of you who've read, reviewed, added me to favourites or alerts... it means a lot. Thank you so much. I'm glad you're enjoying it. It's probably going to be a little while before I update again. I need to hunt down my muse and beat her into submission before I'll be ready to go on. I have a good sense of my endgame, but I'm not real clear on the next few steps just yet, and I'm trying to avoid rummaging in my usual "crap, I'm out of plot devices" bag of tricks.