You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi

I can tell that it's going to be a long road

I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe

Or if you strike out and you're crawling home

Don't read the last page

But I stay when it's hard or it's wrong or we're making mistakes

I want your midnights

But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you

And I will hold on to you

Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

-"New Year's Day" by Taylor Swift

June 19, 2018

I squinted at the light coming in from the window beside me. I couldn't tell what time of day it was, either very early or close to sunset by the way the sun was shining in. I slowly was able to open my eyes and I looked around the room. I was in the Avengers Compound, resting in one of our medical beds, and to my side was Steve resting in the chair next to me. It had to be morning, which meant he would be waking up soon. I didn't make any sound, not wanting to make him wake up just yet. I stared at the ceiling as I processed what was going on. I had fainted on another planet. I fainted after finding out I was never going to see my daughter again because the stones were gone. I was never going to see my daughter again.

I squeezed my eyes shut at the thought, my entire body aching from the pain it caused. I thought of her little laugh and her beautiful blue eyes. Steve's eyes. I took a deep breath and looked back up at the ceiling. What the hell was I supposed to do anymore? How was I supposed to live this day and then the next and the next without her anymore?

"You're awake," Steve said with a huge relief in his voice as he stood up and got closer to my bed.

"How long… was I asleep?" I asked, my voice sore from not using it gave me an indication that it was a while.

"About a week," he said as he gently took my hand. I didn't react to it as I continued to look straight up, feeling the tears building up again.

"What do we do now?" I whispered.

Steve hesitated as he lightly squeezed my hand. "I don't know." I felt the tears fall from my ears and down the sides of my face. All I could think about was Margaret. I could feel my thoughts and memories of her throughout my whole body and it made me very tired.

"Is… are the others here?" I asked, wondering about Natasha and Tony.

"Nat and Pepper are out buying breakfast. Tony's still resting. The rest have gone home. Or wherever else they might find a home I guess." I nodded my head slightly and closed my eyes. "You rest up a bit more, I'll let them know to pick you up something too." He stood up and gave my hand one more squeeze before letting go and heading out the door. It didn't take long for me to fall back asleep.

August 27, 2018

Days blended together now, I didn't really do much other than sleeping or eating. Honestly, I was just happy I was able to get myself to do those things. I felt like I used to have a purpose but it wasn't there anymore. I would do everything for Margaret after having her. With Steve gone and my desire to keep her hidden and safe, my everyday revolve around her and now I didn't know how to do anything else. I didn't want to anyway.

I dreamt of Margaret the night before, which wasn't uncommon now. However, I didn't wake up sad this time like I normally did. I woke up angry. I was angry because the dream was hazy and I knew she was there but it was one of those dreams where you couldn't remember most of what was happening. I had started to enjoy my dreams when they weren't nightmares. I got to spend time with Margaret in them, it's why I was so sad when I would wake and remember she was gone.

The only way I could cope with that sadness was by ignoring it. Otherwise it was all consuming. I had to live in a numb state to avoid it taking over. I could tell Steve was worried about me, engaging in small talk whenever he could, trying to get me to go outside more or to do anything more than the bare minimum.

So most days I kept myself feeling numb to avoid feeling sad, but this time I just couldn't do it. I was agitated all morning. Why couldn't I remember the details of my dream? It made me worried it had been a nightmare instead, the ones where I relived losing her or this time I lost both her and Steve. But those usually ended in me waking up in tears or screaming until Steve woke me up and held me until I calmed down and I could shut the almost paralyzing fear and sadness off again.

That means that if that's not how I woke up this time, then it must have been a good dream. A good dream that I missed and couldn't remember anymore. It made me start to worry that maybe those real memories were beginning to slip. It had been a few months since I last got to hold her in my arms. I never looked at the photos on the walls either, so I couldn't remember actually seeing her face anymore except for in my memory. What kind of a mother was I to be forgetting her, my dreams shouldn't be hazy if I wasn't forgetting her.

I tried to reason with myself. Dreams are hazy all the time, it has nothing to do with memories… but it was hard to side with reason. As I was heading towards the kitchen from the bedroom, I paused outside Margaret's room. I hadn't been in there since before it all happened. The door had been closed, and I wasn't even sure if Steve had been in there recently or not. I never had the urge to go in there, I knew it would only probably bring pain if I did. But this time I was feeling such self loathing and guilt over that stupid dream that I grabbed the doorknob for the first time and opened it.

Before I knew it, I was inside her room. I stared at the walls, the bed, the floors. It was the same as before. Some items were moved around and it looked like it had been kept clean at least, the surfaces didn't have any dust on them at all, but it overall appeared untouched. I began to shake a little as I walked around, looking at the toys, the books, the stuffed animals. That's when I found her stuffed cat. The same one she had taken with her to Wakanda. Steve must have put it back in here. I thought about how we said we would get a real cat for our family when we got back home.

I was shaking harder then, squeezing the stuffed animal while feeling a mix of pain but also rage. This isn't fair. We were supposed to get a cat, it's not fair. I threw it against the wall as hard as I could in anger. I struggled to control my breathing as I looked back around at everything that should be Margaret's but wasn't anymore because she wasn't there. Once again the guilt grew with the anger. I had been so preoccupied with the fact that I couldn't be a mom anymore, I was ignoring the fact that I didn't deserve to be one in the first place. I couldn't save my baby. I was supposed to protect her and I couldn't do that. She should be here, not me.

That's when the rage took over. I couldn't take all the pain anymore and all the reminders of my own failures from my dreams to my inability to bring her back or even keep her here in the first place. I started throwing anything I could grab across the room. I smashed the rocking chair in the corner, I chucked photos at the wall and watched the glass shatter. I threw her clothing from the closet onto the ground and even ripped a few up. I didn't realize I was screaming/crying through it all.

Without noticing him run down the hall from the kitchen and into the room, Steve appeared next to me. He was trying to talk me down but I couldn't focus on him until he gently grabbed my arms and forced me to stop. I finally found his face, a look of worry and hurt all over it. That's when the screaming subdued and the crying took over. This was why I wanted to stay numb, it was easier than the tidal wave of emotions that came when I wasn't numb. Steve wrapped his arms around me and I lost the strength to remain standing. Soon we were both sitting on the floor as he kept me in a hug and I cried into his shirt. He ran his hand over my hair, whispering in my ear until I could calm down.

When I finally did, he sat back so we could look at each other but he kept my hands in his. He squeezed them as he let me know that I could talk to him.

I tried to figure out what I wanted to say. I hadn't really spoken to Steve about any of my feelings, I wanted to but I didn't know how. It made me frustrated, knowing he was the one person I used to trust with everything I felt or thought. Once again I felt like I didn't know how to do anything anymore.

"I don't even know how to live my life without her anymore," I started, and he perked up a bit at me really speaking about Margaret being gone for the first time. "I was a mom for less than two years. Less than two years out of one hundred. That's less than 2% of my life that I was a mom, and now I don't know how to be anything else," I admitted as I looked down at our hands together.

"You'll always be a mom," he said gently. "You've been a mom much longer than two years, I'll tell you that." I gave him a confused look and he continued. "The way you are with Tony, you helped raise him. You've been his mom for a long time, even if it is informally. And you will always be her mom, because this doesn't erase those years you had with her."

I took a deep shaking breath and stared out the window. "Why was I given so many years?" I voiced. "Why do I get to live well past a hundred years, and she didn't even get 2?" I hesitated before continuing, but I knew I needed to get my thoughts out. I needed Steve to hear me say it because I was drowning in them as they sat in my head. "I would have given anything for it to have been me instead," I finally whispered. I didn't know what I expected, for him to call me crazy or for him to say nothing at all. However, I should have known he would understand more than anyone else.

"So would I," he said and I looked up at him with wide eyes. I saw my pain reflected on his face. For the first time, I realized that he had been trying to comfort me while holding back his own anguish for my sake. I squeezed his hands in mine, trying to provide some sort of comfort, not really knowing how at this point. I felt guilty for not considering how much Steve has taken care of me since it all happened, and for how selfish I was for destroying Margaret's things without thinking how it would affect him.

"I'm so sorry," I said quickly as I began to look around and realize the damage that couldn't be undone.

"You're grieving, don't apologize. I'm honestly happy to see you letting out some emotions." I still worried anyway despite his reassurance. I knew he wasn't sharing as much as he wanted to, but who was I to judge on that.

"What do we do now, Steve?" I felt overwhelmed by the prospect of having to figure out tomorrow and all the tomorrows to come. I knew I couldn't keep living the way I was, but I didn't know what to do instead.

"You think about her, you hold onto those memories, cherish them, cherish the time you had with her. I'll do the rest," the tears fell down my face again as I tried to focus on his kind words. He held my face gently in his hands as he spoke. "I'll hold onto you, you know I won't be going anywhere, not again. I'm staying right here, and I'll take care of you." He stared into my eyes and I knew how hard it was for him to be strong for the both of us. I nodded slightly and he pulled me back into his chest and held me close.

"Thank you," was all I could manage. I knew I needed to find the courage to help support him as he was supporting me. I would never be able to get over Margaret, but I had to find a way to continue to live my life for her and for Steve. Whatever that looked like.

A/N: STFU I cannot believe I finally finished this chapter! To anyone still out there, I'm beyond grateful for you sticking around! I'm still alive! Lol, I've just been all kinds of busy (shocker…) and also lacked all the motivation for my multi chapter fics. I don't know how I came up with this right now when I definitely shouldn't be making time for writing, but I'm very glad I did! Let me know your thoughts/ideas/predictions and I hope to get more content out to y'all hopefully with a much much much shorter update time this time around.

And I'm happy to be back with the TS inspired content as well considering Steve taking care of Maddi fits these lyrics so well!