Author's Note:
Yes, this chapter came much faster but that is because the muses blessed me one lovely day. Yay for inspiration! Hopefully everyone enjoys this chapter. The last one seemed to be my most popular yet which is somewhat surprising since it was the chapter I was least certain of but I'm glad none the less. Continue commenting, I love feedback and the fresh insight everyone has on these characters. Some of the comments were even inspiration (If it's yours you'll probably be able to figure it out). Thanks everyone and enjoy!
P.S. You should read the last part of this chapter with Superman by Five For Fighting. That was the muse for that part. It came randomly on shuffle. Ah, the wonders of this world...
You Again?
Chapter 28
I'd never once thought about Darien's past. Never. It hadn't even crossed my mind even if it should with all I remember about him in high school. Heartthrob of the Millennia was his unofficial title.
For some reason I found myself digging around my apartment for my senior yearbook. I don't know how I expected it to make me feel better but that's what I am doing now.
And there it is in front of me. A maroon cover with white bold lettering spelling "Juban High". I flipped quickly through all the smiling now unrecognizable faces until something stopped me. Senior Mosts.
I don't know why I stopped there, I guess I knew something was there. I guess I might still remember hearing something about a certain arch nemesis being voted for something in the Mosts. And there it is. There he is. Practically rubbing it in my face from nearly a decade ago.
"Most Likely to Break Your Heart Without Knowing It." Long title.
I'm not even kidding. Somehow my high school class knew he'd do this. Or maybe he'd done it all throughout high school so they knew, but of course I was oblivious.
A few pages after that I found the "Best Laugh" winner. A laugh I'd heard so much over the past 28 years. Mina. And all I can imagine when I look at her laughing picture is her laughing at me.
Of course Amy had won the "Most Likely to Cure Cancer" award along with her high school sweetheart Johnny. That didn't catch my attention, though. I flipped back again and read through the comments under Darien's "award".
"He's such a sweetheart, he doesn't even know the affect he has on us girls!"- a direct quote from some girl named Karen Frasier. I have no idea who she is but I have a feeling she must've been his girlfriend at some point, maybe even at the same time he was sleeping with Mina.
Despite myself I kept flipping through the book. Most of the faces I now only recognize vaguely but I can barely say two words about any of these faces except for a select few. I'd never been too involved in my school I guess but I had my own life, away from that and it kept me busy enough. The girls were enough. They're still enough… Most of them anyway.
I flipped all the way to the front to the signatures page which had "Making Memories…" written in a slant across the page. Over that there were a lot of random signatures most of them saying generic things like "Good luck with life!" which is kind of a pathetic signing but those people's names don't even ring a bell so I guess it makes sense. Then there are the important ones. A few from close friends outside our core 5 and then the ones from the girls. They were the long ones. The clearly more meaningful ones. I skimmed through them and it made me laugh for the most part because of all the random memories that I'd forgotten about though others made me more morose.
I don't know if I meant to avoid Mina's or if I purposely opened this thing just to read hers but either way I read it. It was the sweetest of any of the girls'. She's the one I've known the longest, the real blood relation though the rest of the girls are all my sisters. And she's always been the most emotional of any of us.
The end of her signature nearly made me cry.
"No matter what any idiots do, keep your heart wide open, Sere. You're my BFF~ Never forget that and never change! It's an order from Venus ;)! See ya next Sunday!
XoXo V (aka, Mins)"
How ironic is that really?
She's warning me about idiots… yeah, great advice, Mins. If only she was really clairvoyant she could've said something more specific like, "Sorry, I'll sleep with the love of your life! Hats off!- XoXo V"
You know what would've been even more useful? If she'd ended it with a "P.S. your water stops working!"
At least that would've been helpful… Because now I can't take a shower OR drown myself. I wouldn't have but I at least want the option and even that has been taken away from me. Great. What a fricking great day. Fan-flipping-tastic really. The past two days. Just awesome. Really.
The saddest part? I can't stop remembering in excruciating detail- every, single, minuscule detail of my night with Darien… and worst of all? I can't stop myself from imagining Mina in my place instead. It's pretty much the most disgusting image I've ever had in my life.
There they are, behind my own two freakin' eyes spooning on my couch, lacing their fingers right in front of me… and way more. God, the more was the worst. And trust me, not having experience in this department doesn't stop me from imagining any of the details… not one bit. Yeah, thanks to an abundant knowledge from television and books I'm doing just fine imagining.
Ugh!
I force my eyes open because I can't deal with looking at the two of them. I can't deal with this.
I don't remember locking the door… I really don't think I did but wouldn't getting robbed just put the cherry on that beautiful cake that is this weekend? What the heck? Why not? Really.
I'm walking around New York City which isn't actually so bad right now because it still isn't evening yet or anything. The sun is as bright as it's ever been in this time of the year and I feel like it's mocking me. It would've been a lot better if a storm came all of a sudden or if it was just a bit dark. But I guess I'm not even lucky enough to have a storm to reflect my emotions. No, God won't even let me be EMO!
And the funny thing about being mad or depressed is that when you look around it seems that EVERYONE else in the world is doing amazing, like everything in their life is working out. It's nothing like some books describe where everything seems gloomy when you're depressed. No, everything and everyone seems happier than ever when your gloomy- just a warning. And this bit doesn't help the mood alleviate either. It just makes it worse. Because seriously, what do they have to be happy about? Seriously?
Oh, wait. Of course they're happy. It's not like they're the ones who just found out that their boyfriend slept with their best friend- and cousin!- TWICE! Yes, TWICE. Not that once would've been bad enough! No, no! They had to repeat. What? Is sex like a bottle of shampoo, where the last instruction is repeat? Lather, rinse, and repeat. EW! Okay, I don't even know if that makes sense… maybe the lather does, I don't know about the rest but I bet it could somehow. I'm just naïve. Of course!
TWICE! I can't get over this part. Isn't once enough! If they repeat doesn't that mean it was good? Ew… I don't even want to think about that… but, isn't that what it means? I mean, you don't go repeating a bad experience now do you? You avoid it at all costs and I'm pretty sure avoiding having sex with a guy you don't often speak to is pretty dang easy. If they pass each other on the subway- not that Shields would ever be caught dead in a freakin' subway- they can just pretend to not see each other. But no, it was good so of course when they somehow found the opportunity to repeat, they took it. Why the hell not? But it was like a decade until the repeat happened so maybe it wasn't good?…Who am I kidding? They had amazing sex. My best friend and the guy I just realized I love had amazing, repeat sex!
Ugh!
And by this point I find myself in front of my office building. It's Sunday. We're not really working but some people go in to do some extra work so it's open. I know it'll be closed again in about… Yup, I have an hour.
There it is. My little haven thanks to a certain sweet teenager who still hasn't been corrupted by amazing sex… And, yes, I do know how that sounds.
And… No, of course, she's not there. Cindy has better things to do on a Sunday morning. Maybe church… She does seem very Church-ly.
There is, however, a boy in her place. Wonder if he's been corrupted by amazing sex yet.
Probably. Probably everyone within a two hundred mile radius has been corrupted by amazing sex. Except me, of course. But hey, if I wanted I could be corrupted by amazing sex. Maybe this guy even, what the heck!
He's staring at me questioningly now… probably because he already greeted me and like a crazy woman I've been sizing him up for my amazing sex-capade.
Okay, time to shake it off.
"Cindy around?"
"No."
"Thanks." For a second I thought of walking out but I quickly realized something important. I have nothing better to do right now. "What's your name?"
He looked confused, like he was wondering who I was talking to even though no one was around but him.
"Well, legally my name is James but everyone calls me Jimmy, I don't actually know why."
Chatty, I see. I smile, "Nice to meet you Jimmy. Meet your new best friend, Serena. I might be stopping by every Sunday for the foreseeable future, maybe longer."
He laughs awkwardly, "I don't work every Sunday actually. My manager doesn't really believe in set schedules, I guess."
"Well, that's too bad. You seem nice Jimmy. So, what's the strongest thing you have back there?"
Again, he laughs awkwardly. "Unfortunately, I think all I've got to fit that bill is espresso."
I nod with a smile, "Bring it on."
"You sure? I'm not supposed to say this since practically everything here has espresso but it tastes pretty much like shit. No joke. You don't really seem to be the kind of person who'd like it. Usually it's Russian mobsters or something."
"Russian mobsters come in here?"
"I don't know actually, but that's my theory and I'm sticking to it."
That actually got a genuine laugh from me. "Well, I think I can be a Russian mobster for today."
"No additions? Chocolate? Caramel? Vanilla?"
"Stop tempting me."
He raised his eyebrows skeptically but I made a motion to just give it here and he went straight to the machines. When I took out my money he waved at me while bringing out a mini cup and placing it under the espresso machine.
"This one's on the house. Let's see if you even like it first."
"I can pay."
"I'm sure you can, I just don't like charging pretty women for shit."
Again I couldn't help but laugh.
"Looking for a nice tip, Jimmy?"
"It couldn't hurt."
He had gumption that's for sure. I put a dollar in the empty tip jar and he handed me the black abyss ie. Espresso.
"Have fun."
"Bottoms up." And I drank it like a shot glass because I already knew it would be as disgusting as one. "Eck!"
"Yup."
"This is shit."
"Pretty much."
"Give me another," I say with a laugh. What the heck?
Again, his eyebrows raise. "You a masochist?"
"Just a bit daring."
He laughs and gets me another, I put a dollar in his jar.
And this goes on for a while until I finally stop to ask how many I'm on.
"That would be your sixth." He'd counted the dollars in the jar to figure it out.
"I kind of have a headache." I could feel it pounding now that I'd finally acknowledged it.
"Yeah, that much shit can do that to a person."
"You cutting me off?"
Jimmy laughs. "I wouldn't dare get in your way. You'll be doubling my wage at this rate."
Definite gumption.
"Well, sorry, Jimmy but I think I'm cutting myself off. That stuff is disgusting."
"I warned you."
"Can't say you didn't." I get off the chair I'd brought over to the counter to sit closer to my dear new friend. "See you later, Jimmy."
As I was walking he called my name. I turned.
"Yeah?"
"This has definitely been an interesting encounter, want to repeat?"
That word. Just that word. And, god, it's back. The images. Repeat. Mina. Darien. EW!
"Sorry, didn't realize I was quite that disgusting."
He seems offended, I guess I must've grimaced. I pull back from the images.
"No, no. It's not you Jimmy, and that's not just a line. Those espresso shots apparently weren't quite strong enough. But I think I'll pass for now. Maybe you'll convince me when you turn 21 or something."
"But all you drink is espresso, I can do that now."
"Not without getting a major headache," I tease.
"Then you're in the same boat." He shot back.
"Well, then, maybe I'll rethink this offer when I feel better. Later, Jimmy."
I don't have a single plan to see Jimmy again. Little boy practically. I wish I could go back to those days, really. The days when I didn't have to justify virginity. The days when I didn't think about other people's lack thereof.
Yup, those days were nice.
As soon as I enter my apartment I know I'm going to regret it. I don't know how I know but I do. I can feel it.
There she is.
I don't know what to say. "Hello?" "What the hell are you doing here?" "Go away?"
"Please, just go away."
Apparently that. I can't deal with this. Now I not only have the images, but I have a major headache thanks to about a trillion grams of caffeine in my system.
"No."
"Yes." I put down my purse on the table and plopped on the couch, covering my head with my elbow.
"You don't just tell a pregnant lady to go away."
"Yes, Ray, yes, you do when it is for the safety of the baby. Now, for baby's sake. Go away. I'm really not in the mood."
"You'll never be in the mood for this conversation," I hear her shuffle away, hear her twist the lock closed.
"What? Now you're going to murder me?"
Her low laugh is closer than before, I feel the weight of her substantially heavy body near my feet.
"Not me but someone will if you continue leaving that door unlocked like an idiot. If I could get in, think of the millions of other much more dangerous people in this city that could rob you or kidnap you or murder you as you just pointed out!"
Argh, she's mothering now.
"Actually I'm more afraid of you than anyone else in this city, Ray."
"You should be. I'll kill you myself if you don't start acting more mature. For God's sake, you are an adult. Act like one."
That made me push up to a sitting position.
"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" I can't help my voice going up an octave.
She just glares, in all her pregnant-scary-lady glory.
"What do you think?"
"No, I want you to spell it out. Okay, I don't lock my door on occasion. Big freaking deal. I live on the sixth floor. You'd think these crazy criminals would look for lower-level apartments."
"It's not just the door, Serena, and you know it." I did know it.
"Well, tell me what now." I can't see what possible reason she has to yell at me right now. What the hell did I do? "What the hell did I do?"
"You want to know what 'the hell' you did? You stormed off. Like you were back in high school. Adults don't storm off. Adults sit down and figure things out. They don't throw temper tantrums and leave."
"Excuse me? So I was supposed to sit there and just have her tell the whole freaking world that she slept with my boyfriend? What? Was I supposed to congratulate her too? Is that the mature thing to do?"
"Your boyfriend of what exactly? A day? A week? And who was she telling besides us? Really? The world doesn't revolve around you Serena. Not everyone cares who slept with who. Especially not a fucking DECADE ago!"
"No, honey, if you didn't notice. This decade was involved too!"
"Four months ago!"
"Yes!"
"You hadn't even seen him yet four months ago!"
Hadn't I? I can't quite remember when I'd seen him, but that's not the point.
"The time is not the point!"
"What is then?"
"She slept with him and didn't say anything!"
She rolls her eyes, seriously, she rolls her eyes!
"Oh. She slept with someone and didn't tell you. Wow. Big deal."
"That is!" What the hell is she thinking right now?
"You ever dated someone and didn't tell us?" Ha! I got her now.
"No, never." I cross my arms. I've always been an open book!
"Really?" She's clearly skeptical.
"Yes."
"Are you sure?" What the hell?
"Yes."
Then she smirks. "How about Billy Curtis in sixth grade? Or Steve Mathis the summer before college?"
Oh, God. I'd forgotten about them… but still! "Billy Curtis and I went out once to a movie and he played with his gum. It ended before it began. Steve Mathis and I went on a couple of dates. Both of them I told you about!"
"Yes, you did. But none of the other girls ever knew because you were too embarrassed."
"But that's different!"
"How so?"
Oh my god, is she serious? There is a huge difference in what I did and what Mina did. "Seriously? I didn't sleep with either of them! And none of them were ever going out with any one of you so it didn't affect anyone but myself!"
She uncrosses her arms and points a finger at me, apparently getting down to business. "Mina sleeps with people like you date. Actually, more frequently even. To her, it's practically the same thing. Now stop judging! And I know you are even if you say you aren't." Okay, that's true. "And, now. If Steve started going out with Amy or Lita or Mina or me, would you have told us you dated?"
"Yes!"
"Liar!" She was so sure but I totally would have!
"I would have!"
"Really? Is that why you told Lita to not tell me about kissing Henry in 9th grade after he asked me out?"
How does she remember all this crap? God, my headache just keeps getting worse!
"What? Wait. How do you know this crap?"
"She confessed in a Truth or Dare game once."
This is such a confusing conversation. I can't help but laugh slightly. Truth or Dare? Wow. God, my head…
"Again, it's not the same."
She rolls her eyes again then sits back a little more, "Sere, okay, fine. Look at it this way. It happened before you and Darien even reconnected and before that you hated the man's guts. At that point what reason did she have to tell you, really? You'd just judge her for it. He was your 'arch nemesis'. You said so enough times. Then when you started flirting or whatever- which I still don't know the full details of, thank you very much- why would she ruin that? Why on Earth would she want to put you in that position? No one likes to think about their boyfriend's past. Chad and I actually just pretend we don't have one. It's not pleasant. It never is. No matter what it would be unpleasant." She pauses for a minute and for a second I think it is over but then she looks at me sincerely, gently, "Now, this isn't to say I condone what she did- not telling you I mean. I can't blame her for sleeping with someone who was single and willing." Oh god, the images! There they are. I can't… God! "Sorry," apparently it shows on my face, "And I do not condone how she told you either. That was just awful and you were clearly shanghaied but you also have to see it from her point of view. She was being attacked from all sides. All of us- well, but you. Okay, so she may have deflected her emotions wrongly but she's human. The most important thing you need to know is she loves you. Really, Sere. She's no happier about the situation than yourself."
"It's just..." I don't know what to say.
"I'm done, I won't say anymore."
"He's... and she's... Especially her... I... I love him." My thoughts are fluttering like that. Just figments of sentences.
"I get it." She does.
"I love him, Ray. Love, love. I've never felt that before. Never like this. Never so... so.."
"Overwhelming?"
"Shocking! Insane! Stupid. Weak. Imbecilic! I'm not this girl! I've never... I won't... I can't!"
Then she gets up and I really don't want her to go. I don't want to be by myself anymore. I really don't. I can't. I need someone, something. I feel like a kid whose safety blanket was being taken away suddenly… Whoosh and it's gone...
But she doesn't go.
She hugs me and I hug back.
And that's when I become fully aware of the fact that I'm crying. Sobbing.
I can't say why. Maybe it's the excess caffeine.
Or… maybe it's the loss of innocence. Finally. It had to happen sometime, I guess.
My best friends aren't perfect. The love of my life never was. My life certainly never would be.