Author's Note:
It's here! I don't know why but the last two comments I got kind of kicked me into gear. I've been remiss in my duties as author and I know how much that sucks so I've finally updated. I'll give this chapter partial inspiration from "The First Cut Is The Deepest" by Sheryl Crow and a lot of Lenka- if you don't know her, for shame. Sorry for the long wait but with no more ado... here is the next chapter! (If you'd like more ado, my profile has random updates depending on whatever life throws at me at the moment really) Love it? Hate it? Tell me all.
FP
You Again?
Chapter 29
It's Monday. It's freaking Monday.
The world hasn't stopped. Everything is exactly the same. Except me.
And you know what's the worst thing about the world? Even if you're going through hell, it keeps going. And you're expected to go on with it.
Nothing has changed.
At exactly 6:00 A.M. my incessant alarm screeches informing me that it is time to go. That it is time to race off after that perpetually speeding world.
I get up, do my routine and walk out at exactly 7: 20 A.M. A few minutes after it's supposed arrival the bus comes, as per usual. By 7:50 A.M. I am greeting my favorite Barista with a smile and wave as she hands me my coffee. She chatters away, I listen. She asks me a quick "What's new with you?" and I could've said so much to that question.
I think I'm in love with a lying asshole.
My best friend slept with the guy I think I love. Oh, then proceeded to tell me in the coldest demeanor possible. Without looking remorseful at all.
I could've become dehydrated from all the crying I did last night but my other best friend wouldn't let it happen.
Instead I went with the comforting "Nothing much". Then smiled and ran off because come on. When a teenage girl that loves to ramble asks "What's new with you?" she's not really looking for a sob story. No. Teenagers like to keep things perky. Well, that's fine by me today.
As I walk up to my office all I'm hoping for is a lot of work. Some new authors. Some amazing stories. They always get my mind off of things. Anything. This won't be so bad. I love my work. I get to read. It's great.
I give a usual, "Morning Pam" at the reception desk. I'm sure she waved and smiled and maybe even tried to start up some usual chitchat but I didn't slow down enough to hear.
Brad is all nerves as is the norm with his "Morning, Msss Tsssukino."
"Brad- call me Serena."
He smiled, "Serena". Wait… What? No stutter?
"What did you say?" I asked just for confirmation.
"Mssss Tssssukino?"
Oh God.
"Nevermind Brad. Sorry to disturb you. Just… as you were."
I lock the door as soon as I enter, I don't feel like conversing with anyone today and an unlocked door is just an invitation in this place. I can only pretend for so long.
But there's a nice present already waiting on my desk and I'm gladder than ever.
"Jenny."
There on my desk is a huge pile of papers containing the rest of the manuscript of Jenny's third novel in the fantasy series. It looks about 500 pages. Thank you Jenny.
I immediately dive in. Glasses on, red pen in hand. And God I love it!
Every time I circle something or change a word or edit a typo. I love it. This I can control. I can change things. Make things right. So easily. Just a stroke of a 99 cent pen and voila! Parfait.
This I can definitely deal with. I can live forever exactly like this. I'd happily walk down the aisle with this job if I could. Really, I swear. Most people exaggerate when they say something like that but no. I like this. People are way worse to deal with. Writing on the other hand? Fiction where the hero and the heroin always at least find justice- even if it doesn't mean a cliché happily ever after? This, this is my life. And I love it. Completely. Absolutely.
BUZZ
"Holy!—" Wow, that scared me… "Yes, Brad?" I buzz and he stutters a couple words about a girl phoning the offices trying to contact an Agent to shadow for some publishing class in some school. "Can you send her over to Lynn? She loves this kind of thing."
And he stutters off leaving me in peace.
"Wait- Brad?"
"Yes?"
"Can you actually get me a peppermint tea from downstairs?"
And a few minutes later I had to unlock the door for him to bring it in. Thanking him quickly, I got back down to business. I can't deal with anymore caffeine- I don't know why I had coffee this morning.
By the end of my day I am only about one hundred pages in- thanks to my meticulous notes. Good. Plenty left to do. And Mr. Wipple apparently came in at some point to drop off a new manuscript- the pages were literally left on my office doorstep.
I'd almost managed to convince myself that I'd gotten over everything or at least was moving on rather well when I got home to a blinking answering machine light.
Then it all hit me like a speeding bullet- or a piece of Kryptonite if I were superman.
Who could it be?
It could be Mina trying to explain the unexplainable. It could be Darien having been informed of my newfound knowledge. It could be Darien completely oblivious to everything that I'd just discovered. It could be Ray yelling at me again.
So instead of hearing it and being surprised I checked the caller ID for all my missed calls of the day.
Solicitor.
Solicitor.
Sammy.
Solicitor.
Oh! Sammy. That I could handle. Sammy. He's back at school- a few weeks into the new term now. Well, good.
I pick up the phone hurriedly, curl up on the loveseat and dial.
After about a million and one rings I hear a perky, very unlike Sammy voice greet "Hello, Samuel Tsukino's phone, how may I direct your call?" I might also add that this voice was hardly able to bring out half the words between all the bouts of laughter. It came out more like, "-ello? Sa… Mule Skee…nose phone! Ow ay I direct your all?"
"You can hand it over to the most adolescent boy you can find at the moment."
But I don't think she heard me because the phone had clearly switched hands, an equally merry… and slightly out of breath Sammy cleared his throat and managed a decent, "Hello?"
"Good afternoon to you too Samuel Tsukino."
"Uh Oh." Then after a lot of shushing noise and some- if I'm not mistaken- sighs of neglect, "Hiyah, Serena! What's up?"
"What's up?" I couldn't help my incredulity. "What's up with you Samuel?"
"Nothing, just hanging out with some friends." His voice gave away nothing. Well, isn't he sly?
"Some friends or a friend?"
"What's it matter?" His voice got a little defensive.
"Well, friends in the plural usually can't get anyone pregnant. Unless you have some kinky friends."
"Sere!" I heard him mutter a 'sorry' and then a door slammed. "She heard that!"
"So? She should know the realities of promiscuity too."
"What promiscuity?!" Now he sounds pissed.
"You know what! Were you or were you not just alone with that girl- who I don't even know the name of thank you very much- and doing things you wouldn't do with Kelen?" Kelen being one of the friends I heard him mention once.
There was a huff. "You know her name you idiot! You've met her. That was Beth."
Beth… Beth? Beth?!
Beth! I had met her once on a trip to visit Sammy. She was this little squirmy girl, barely five foot two. Adorable. That's how I'd described her. She had this straight brown hair that was so different from Sammy's unkempt, curly blond. Her eyes were pure brown that reminded me of puppies.
"Puppy Beth?"
"What?"
Okay, yeah that didn't make sense.
"What did you do to her! She was so sweet!"
He laughed. "She still is and you just scared her half to death with your 'kinky friends' comment."
"But. But. You're dating Beth? Since when?"
"Well," There was a pause I didn't like, "We're not really dating."
My eyes narrowed even though I knew he couldn't see. "What was that you were just doing then? Was that not dating?"
A small pause. "We weren't doing anything."
"Bullshit." I said it just like I would when we played cards as kids.
Another pause.
"We weren't FYI, we were just laughing, but so what if we were? What's the big deal? Last I checked you can't lecture me on this one, sis, with your late night 'Dare Bear, mwah, mwah' conversations."
I felt a small jab of pain at the mention of him but ignored it. "I've never once called him that and never once made that disgusting sound and I haven't had anymore late night conversations anyway so you can't be pointing at me. I'm clean."
"Oh, I see. So now you guys are making out in person since he's back from the country," He said it in a mock British accent, "But I cant do the same?"
"No one is making out with anyone, okay? So don't be stupid!"
"What? I'm the least stupid person you know, that includes yourself."
He is joking now- it seems at least. I didn't really feel like being serious at the moment so I went with it and the conversation flowed seamlessly from then. No more mention of Darien. Once I hung up the phone I could barely contain my sigh of relief- though I did- but I couldn't help my exhaustion. I'd tell Sammy eventually. Not that it mattered too much but he did like Darien so why should I rush it?
The rest of the week went by smoothly. Again, not exactly what I was expecting. No more heart sputters came since the aforementioned conversation with Sammy. It seemed I would move on just fine. No more Mina either. It was almost surprising how well it was going really.
Then Thursday came.
Okay, so maybe the whole week wasn't smooth…
I came home, made my peppermint tea, and went to cuddle up on the coach to some good old fashioned TV- I read all day, might as well keep it a bit lively.
I'd gotten a new obsession- I don't have these often actually. TV is usually rather disappointing compared to a world of your own imagination but from time to time it comes up with something that I wouldn't be able to imagine nearly as well. Grey's Anatomy. I mean, some of the plot lines are a little thin and a little questionable but in general it's a good thing to look forward to on usually bland Thursday nights.
In a particularly enthralling part- Meredith was frantic trying to save the life of a ten year old girl having a gruesome looking seizure- the phone rang. I cannot tell you how annoying that is. It's my cell too which means there is no chance of it being a solicitor- at least a 99.9% chance- I'm way too into what I'm watching to check the ID. All I really plan to do is answer and say call me later but as soon as I say "Hello?" and hear the voice on the other end I know that won't happen. No matter how much smarter it would be to do just that, no matter how much I will probably later wish I had done just that.
"Hey, Sere."
Shit.
"Hello."
"Think we've covered that part." A laugh.
"Just making sure you caught it." My mouth was moving for me, clearly, since my brain was spluttering- my heart fairing no better.
Darien's deep laugh practically reverberated all the way from the other side of the phone.
"You seem a bit distracted but I was just calling to make sure everything's still on for Friday."
I almost let slip, "Yeah, of course." Not sure what I wanted with that. Would I then leave him stood up? But how? He'd pick me up. Or did I want to confront him in formal wear. A la James Bond I suppose but he'd be Bond and I'd just be a Bond girl and they usually didn't have good endings. So I guess that's good I didn't go with this option.
"Not so much." My voice was deadpan. I could hear it. It'd been that way from the start but he probably hadn't caught on. Until now.
"What's wrong?" He seemed confused- not worried.
"Asides from global warming, stupid wars, and the starvation of millions around the globe?" I left a small pause- not long enough for him to make a snappy reply, "Well, right after that. I think around number ten on my list of 'Things that are wrong with this world' is you sleeping with Mina. Come to think of it, I think I'll bump it up to number 9. Compared to that Osama and I are on decent terms."
I hang up. What could he honestly say to that? It's over and he has to know it.
I turn up the TV to concentrate- not that I know what is going on anymore- Derek and Meredith are in a room arguing over something, not sure what. Oh, wait. No, it's the treatment of the girl that had just gone into a seizure.
You know? He's probably calling one of his other girls right about now. Probably has a million backups for Friday night in case one of the perspectives doesn't pane out. Being prepared and all. Very important quality.
I'll be there for you…
I don't look to see who's calling. I have a feeling, although it doesn't really coincide with my theory on his nightlife, I know it's him. Resolutely I turn off my phone while watching with some pleasure as the word "Darien" disappears.
An hour later I hear it.
BUZZZZ
BUZZZ
BUZZZZZZZZZZZ
It is incessant. Awful. Mainly, it is annoying.
By the twentieth- I counted- buzz I finally press the button to speak to the person on the other side.
"What?" I tried to sound both nonchalant and annoyed. I'm not sure if it worked.
"Open up, Sere. We need to talk." Of course, it's him.
"I don't think so, Shields. I said all I needed to say."
"Well, I didn't!" He sounds annoyed. What's he got to be annoyed about?
"Well," I mimicked him, "I don't give a damn. Ever heard that song? 'My Give a Damn's Busted', well, that would be perfect for this moment. It's completely busted."
"Wow, backed up by country dribble. Impressive."
"Piss off, Shields."
"Now, you're British. In a bit of an identity crisis." He laughs a bit. God! The nerve!
"I'm sorry but the tenant you have buzzed is no longer available. Please feel free to go to hell. Or somewhere worse. That's fine too."
"Sorry, just got back last night. Don't want to make another trip so soon."
"They'll be happy to have you."
"I wouldn't welcome another visit." He replies quickly.
"But they save a special seat for you, Shields! All expense paid trip. Just for womanizers who sleep with a girl's best friend and cousin."
I shut off the connection.
BUZZ
BUZZZZ
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….
"Do you not understand English? Ferme la bouche! Quittez! LEAVE in a million and one languages. Now."
"Let's just put it this way, Sere, and no despite the fact that you've reverted back to your immature ways doesn't mean I'll sink to your level, my schedule at work is pretty flexible and besides what appears to be popular belief in your confounded brain I don't have a very full social life unless you count Andrew and chasing after you one. So unless you let me in now I'll keep doing this until the sun rises or maybe longer. However long it takes. I've got nothing better to do."
It was tempting. With one click of a button the buzzing would stop and he'd come in and maybe he'd explain everything away. With just one click we could be together again- if that's what we even were. With just one click.
Then an image popped into my head and my hand stopped its progression and switched over to press the intercom again.
"Or you could let me sleep. I don't want to talk. I can't. Please." A pause. "Please, Darien." My voice was resigned and a bit pathetic but I didn't hide any of it. The fatigue, the annoyance, the frustration, and all the other emotions that were coursing through me at lightning speed.
He paused. Finally. Maybe he left.
He hadn't.
"I'll be back. I'm not giving up." Determination echoed in his voice where mine had been pure weakness.
I disconnected us and walked away.
I quickly swiped away the few tears that had strayed and betrayed me. I walked like a hallow thing to the television and everything else, shutting it off as I went. It felt almost symbolic of my life. Everything no longer had its old illumination.
Burrowing into the cold, empty sheets I fell into a restless sleep filled with images of opportunities long gone, of a life with no possibility.