CHAPTER 15
"Today is the one year anniversary of the slaying of the archdemon," Elissa announced at breakfast. "I think, all things considered, today is as good a day as any for our recruits to go through the Joining."
The three recruits looked at Elissa with varying degrees of trepidation. Cauthrien was the most composed of the three, although Nathaniel could see a slight tinge of fear in her eyes. Erlina hid her fears well also, putting on a mask of bravado. Anora, however, looked like she was going to vomit. She's tough, but she knows she's the least prepared for this. If you can even prepare for this. Nathaniel decided against saying anything. Maker help them all.
Nathaniel liked all three women who were going through the Joining that day. Cauthrien was very quiet and reserved, but her skills were unmistakable and she was able to hold her own keeping up with Oghren if the dwarf got a bit, well, too 'Oghren.' Erlina's skills had been tested when she got to the keep, as promised; her dagger skills were merely adequate, but she made up for it in stealth and smarts. Anora was working really hard, but she was simply too new at it to tell if she would be able to really pick up the ability to fight well. With having had less than a month of training, she was still incredibly slow and she had to think too much about everything. Still, she was smart about how she approached learning and spent a lot of time in the training yard.
Elissa met with the non-recruit Wardens after breakfast. "Be prepared. In the group I joined with, I was the only survivor. Death from the Joining is really awful. We've been lucky so far." Her voice quieted a bit and took on just a touch of nerves. I think she's just as nervous as the recruits. "Anders, will you be all right preparing the Joining?"
Anders nodded. "Not to worry. I'll start right away."
"Thanks." Elissa sounded grateful. "Let us know if we can help." She said to everyone then, "You are all welcome to join us as I administer the Joining, but it isn't necessary. I'll be taking the recruits to the throne room after lunch. Oghren, did you want to write letters now, or later?"
"Let's do it now, Commander." Oghren got up, as did Elissa, and she led the way out. Oghren quickly turned and gave a thumbs up to both Nathaniel and Anders. Good, he'll keep her distracted until it's time.
"Do you need me for anything, Anders?"
"Nah, I'll be fine. This is one of those mage things." Nathaniel nodded. "I'll go look for you on the practice yard if anything comes up."
Later, they would meet at the throne room – Elissa, Nathaniel, Anders, Oghren, and the three new recruits, and Nathaniel intoned, "Join us, brothers and sisters ..."
Elissa was right. Death from the Joining was really awful. And to have to see it twice, well, that was worse. Erlina was the only one of the three to survive, bravely steeling herself and drinking from the chalice without hesitation even as Anora gasped her last breath. And Cauthrien's body just wouldn't take in the poison. For Anora and Cauthrien both, Elissa knelt by them during their last moments and quietly said, "I am sorry," with tears in her eyes.
After it was done, Nathaniel and Oghren took the bodies and set up pyres quietly away from the workmen. Elissa joined them as soon as she was able, explaining that Anders would sit with Erlina in case she woke up while they started the cremations.
"At least Anora got an honorable death," Elissa said. "She tried really hard and we, at least, will always remember her for that. And Cauthrien, she was a good woman. I will miss her." Nathaniel couldn't agree more. Elissa left, and a few moments later Anders came to pay his respects. Nathaniel stayed a few moments more, then decided he needed time alone to think as well. We barely knew them, but Elissa had history with these people. I should go to see her later - maybe she will want to talk.
He passed by the throne room on the way to his quarters and peeked in. Erlina was awake now, and Elissa was rocking her and rubbing her back, speaking softly to her. I don't envy her job right now. He decided to let them be and continued on his way.
Neither Erlina nor Elissa came down for dinner that night. Nathaniel was inclined to let them both have their privacy, but as he returned to his room he heard noises in Anora's quarters. He opened the door to see Erlina packing Anora's things.
"You don't have to do that," he said. "I imagine it's hard for you." Erlina turned and looked up at him, her face full of anguish.
"I do, actually," she said, her Orlesian accent thicker than usual. "It helps me to … say goodbye." Nathaniel nodded in understanding. "What do I do with her armor and weapons though?"
Nathaniel thought for a moment. "The shield and sword were her father's, I assume?" Erlina nodded, seeming unable to speak. "I think she would have wanted you to keep them." Erlina looked startled. "You knew her better than anyone else, and were her best friend. I think it appropriate that you have them as they probably meant more to her than anything else she had."
"I … thank you. Do you think it will be all right?" Erlina looked at the shield lying on the bed yearningly. "It would be good to have something to remember her by."
"I think it will be fine," Nathaniel reassured her. "I will go and speak to the Commander and let her know I told you to take them. I'm certain she won't object." Erlina smiled then, just a little, and she turned back to her packing. Nathaniel closed the door quietly and changed course to Elissa's room.
He knocked on the door. "Elissa?" he called softly, in case she was asleep. He heard her muffled invitation and entered the room, closing the door behind him.
She was sitting on the edge of her bed, looking down at her hands. He sat next to her and watched her examine her hands for a moment, then said, "Erlina decided to clean up Anora's room. I told her to keep Anora's shield and sword so she would have something to remember Anora by."
Elissa nodded as in afterthought. "Yes, that's a good idea. I'm glad you thought of it." Her voice was unsure and perhaps a bit tired. She continued to stare down at her hands in her lap, her shoulders slumped.
Nathaniel gave her a moment, then decided to break the silence. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Elissa didn't answer for a moment, and when she did, the words came out haltingly. "I know … I know I said we'd been lucky so far with our recruits. And we have been. Even today ... going into it, I knew there was a good chance that none of them would make it through." She stopped for a moment and took a deep breath. "This was the first time that someone I recruited directly has died."
"I'm sorry," Nathaniel murmured. "I thought you had gone through this before, with the woman who joined with Anders and Oghren."
"There was a woman in that group who died, yes, but Mhairi had been recruited by the Orlesians before I came. I felt terrible, of course, but it wasn't the same." Another breath was drawn then let out, showing her fraying control. "You asked me once what one more death would mean to me. I know you were angry at the time," she halted his objection before he could voice it, " and trying to hurt me, but I can't stop thinking of it.
"With most of the other people I've killed, it's been easier to rationalize. 'They attacked me first,' I would think, or 'Their crimes would bring the death sentence anyway,' or any one of a thousand reasons that would make me the instrument of justice instead of a murderer. I would try to talk down people where I could, try to have fewer people die at my hands, and so I was able to reassure myself that at least I tried. Even though I've felt every life I've ever taken." Her voice cracked a little, but she closed her eyes and struggled to regain control. "I can't tell myself that about Cauthrien and Anora. They knew it was poison, but I still gave it to them and did nothing when it killed them. And they didn't deserve to die. They drank it, and it killed them, and I am the one who made it happen.I don't know how to live with that." She fell silent again, turning her hands over to inspect the palms.
"People died by my hand today, Nathaniel. People who didn't," her voice cracked again, but she cleared her throat, "who didn't deserve it. And the worst part is I will do it again, the next time we have recruits. And the next after that." She shook her head. "Erlina should hate me right now. In fact," she half-laughed, half-sobbed, "I would feel better if she did. But she says she doesn't blame me... I don't understand it." She put her head in her hands. "How do I stop this and forget all the killing I've done?"
Nathaniel sat in silence, trying to think of something to say. Finally, he voiced the thought that kept nagging at him. "I don't think that you do forget. I don't think it's possible."
Elissa's whole body went still at his comment, and then a moment later started shaking. Nathaniel put his arms around her and tucked her head under his chin. "I think..." he started gently as she began to cry in earnest, "I think that if you can forget about that, if you make yourself stop feeling, then that is when you lose your humanity." He rubbed circles on her back with one hand and wrapped his hand around her neck with the other, and closed his eyes. "That's probably what happened to Loghain and maybe even my father. They deadened themselves to the death and destruction, and it took away the good parts of who they were. It ruined them. I would hate to see the same happen to you."
He held her until she had cried herself out, stroking her hair and cheek and whispering reassurances to her the entire time. When her fingers finally loosened themselves from their death grip on his shirt and her last sobs quieted, he held her for a bit longer, still keeping her head tucked under his chin and holding her up until she fell asleep. Then he laid her down on the bed, removed her boots and put a spare blanket over her sleeping form, and kissed her on the forehead before letting himself out of the room.