Chapter 29 - The L-word

As far as Mondays went, it had been a pretty good one.

From waking up with Tahlia (and the bright, shiny knowledge that she and Alden were no more), to his productive day in the shop and, straight after that, an intense business class laden with new terminology and concepts that had left his mind whirring, Daryl made his way home feeling strangely energized.

The welcome smell of something delicious cooking met him as soon as he walked in the door – the hearty homecooked meals were one positive thing that had come out of Merle being unable to work – and Daryl inclined his chin at his brother in greeting.

"Somethin' smells good."

With a knowing grin spread across his face, Merle said nothing as he dried his hands on the dish towel slung over his shoulder, his eyes fixed on Daryl.

"What?" Daryl demanded, tossing his jacket over the back of a chair.

Grin widening, Merle stared at Daryl for an infuriating moment longer, then flicked his brows. "Well, you didn't waste any fuckin' time, did ya?"

"Huh?"

"The second Tahly splits with her boyfriend you shoot over there like a rat up a fuckin' drainpipe!"

Daryl huffed out a breath of irritation. Of course it would have something to do with Tahlia - Merle's favorite subject to roast him over. He crossed his arms over his chest defensively. "Ain't like that. She got scared, so I went round. Anyway, he weren't even her boyfriend."

Merle barked out a harsh laugh. "You tellin' yourself that so you feel better 'bout the fact you ran to her so fast she was still all wet from him when you boned her?"

Screwing up his face, Daryl shook his head in disgust. "Why the fuck you gotta talk 'bout her like that? Gonna kick your damn ass if you keep it up."

"Ooh, coz it gets your panties in a real big bunch, Darlina!" hooted Merle, then he held his hands up in submission. "Aw, c'mon. Y'know I'm just messin' with ya coz you've had a hard-on for her for so long I thought your balls were gonna explode. But I'ma respect that you're finally bumpin' uglies now and I won't say nothin' like that no more."

"Oh my God." Daryl rolled his eyes. "What is it with you and your goddamn fixation with me and her? I know it's real tough for you to understand, but it's possible for some of us to keep our dicks in our pants and just be friends with a girl."

Merle's brows shot up. "You mean y'ain't fuckin' her yet?"

Daryl sent him a withering look. "Naw."

"Or like, doin' nothin' else?"

"Naw!"

Balling up the damp dish towel, Merle fired it at Daryl. "Why the hell not?!"

Catching it, Daryl flung it straight back. "What?"

"The fuck are you waitin' for? She ain't gonna hold out for you forever. Why you think she went out with Alden in the first place?"

"What?!" exclaimed Daryl incredulously. "You told me to keep my hands off her!"

"Well you ain't never been very good at that now, have ya?" retorted Merle drily.

"Merle!" yelled Daryl in frustration. "You specifically fuckin' warned me not to do nothin' with her! You said she ain't gonna be no different to other girls and I'd just fuck her over!"

With a dismissive shrug, Merle turned around to pull the lasagna out of the oven. "Yeah, but I said that back when I thought you would just nut and bolt. Didn't fuckin' know then that you were in love with her."

Face contorting in indignation, Daryl threw a hand in the air. "Ain't in -" he started fiercely, then snapped his mouth shut, his features softening as realization dawned.

"Shit." chuckled Merle as he placed the dish on the counter and studied his brother's face. "Looks like maybe you didn't know either."

"I ain't…" repeated Daryl vacantly, dropping to sit heavily on the arm of the sofa as Merle's words slowly circled and settled, stretching their truth in his bones.

It felt strange, that the enormity and confusion that had been growing and morphing and swirling inside him over these months could be wrapped up in one little word. But now it had a label, it also seemed so fucking obvious – because what else could this sleep-snatching, mouth-drying, churning obsession be? And at least tucking it all under the blanket of the L-word made the fact that he had been thinking of her as his marginally more acceptable. He blinked widely at Merle.

"But that don't… I mean, how… when we ain't never even…?"

A benevolent smile spread on Merle's face at his brother's bewilderment. "Love don't got no rules. Just happens."

Daryl considered that quietly for a moment, then his face paled.

"Think she knows that I…?"

"Nah." said Merle easily, slopping a generous portion of lasagna onto a plate for Daryl who was looking a little faint. "She's too busy bein' in love with ya right back to notice much else."

As Daryl descended into silent astonishment, Merle rolled his eyes.

"Oh my fuckin' God. Please tell me you at least knew that. Ain't you noticed the way she…?" He trailed off with a disparaging shake of his head as he slid the plate across the counter. "Goddamn. You are really fuckin' backward when it comes to this shit, you know that?"

It probably shouldn't have come as a surprise to Daryl that he hardly slept that night for overthinking and ended up in a murky muddle by morning.

Although nothing had actually changed, shit seemed a hell of a lot more complicated now because of that goddamned L-word.

Like, wasn't there a lot more at stake, a lot more to fuck up when love was involved? And being in love before he'd even made it into a relationship seemed way too intense, like starting too strong meant he'd be destined to fail. And he probably would fail because he had no goddamned clue how to actually be with someone anyway. Add to that the notion that she might reciprocate the intensity of his feelings (seemed like a shitload of responsibility, being that to someone else, being worthy) and it started to feel far too daunting. Like maybe that should all go in the too-hard-basket and they should stay in their blurry-edged friendship territory. Nothing wrong with that. It was nice and safe there. Until the next Alden came along, of course. Because Merle was right, things wouldn't stay as they were forever.

Fucking Merle. Setting this fire and then leaving it to burn.

Daryl would've liked some breathing room, some space to decompress from the mess in his head, but that definitely wasn't going to happen while he was sitting here, across the desk from her – nope, this was having the opposite effect.

He hadn't wanted to come to this meeting this morning, especially not here at her work. It felt way too soon to see her, way too confronting. He'd tried to get out of it, but she'd insisted that they needed to go through the next steps in his takeover of Axel's shop and her calendar for the week was already filling up.

So, statue-still, Daryl kept his arms wrapped tightly around his waist and his gaze fixed on a knot in the wood, certain that if he moved a muscle he'd activate a big fucking flashing neon sign above his head that would announce his feelings to the universe and things would get really goddamned awkward and he'd have to forgo the business deal and move to the cabin for three months while he worked up the nerve to be in the same city as her again.

"…an extra one right here. Like the lady with three boobs in Total Recall. What do you think?"

Hurtling back into the present, Daryl swallowed hard and refocused on Tahlia. "Huh?"

Pursing her lips, Tahlia stared at him reproachfully. "Thought that might get your attention. I'm over here talking about goodwill and intellectual property and you're zoning out like you'd rather be anywhere else, but as soon as I mention boobs, then bam!" She snapped her fingers. "You're back in the room. Shame on you."

"I'm listenin'!" insisted Daryl sullenly, his cheeks aflame as he surreptitiously peeped skywards to check for that neon sign.

"Yeah, now you are."

"Shut up. I am. I was just thinkin' 'bout…"

You. His mind supplied unhelpfully. Always 'bout you.

With a quick shake of his head to dislodge that very inconvenient thought, Daryl glanced warily around her immaculately kept office, the high-end furnishings, the glass walls, and beyond to where some of her suited and booted co-workers were striding by.

"Don't like your office. Fuckin' fishbowl."

Tahlia spread her hands and smiled unapologetically. "Sorry 'bout that. I didn't have time to meet anywhere else today, so you'll have to suck it up, I'm afraid. Now, can we get back to this paperwork or do you need me to talk about boobs for a little longer?"

Daryl rolled his eyes and flicked a pen at her in the hopes of detracting from his discomfort, then leaned forward on the table and tapped the stack of papers.

"Focus." he said sharply, mostly for himself, as with some effort, he pushed everything unrelated to the business deal from his brain. There'd be plenty of time to stew over all that for the rest of his life. "When's the settlement date, then?"

"Twentieth of Feb." Tahlia ran a hand through her hair as she consulted her desk calendar. "That's about... 5 weeks from now. There's not too much left to do - we just need to dissolve the partnership between you and Axel as you'll be a sole trader, Michonne's going to run through this sale and purchase agreement, and you need to talk to the bank. Daryl," Tahlia gazed at him in earnest. "What I said before still stands – I could loan you the money and -"

"Nope." Daryl immediately cut in with a frown. "No way."

"But that money from my dad is just sitting there –"

"Tahly."

"- if you would just consider-"

"No!" he banged his fist on the table fiercely. "I'm goin' to the bank, same as I did with the first loan."

"That was only for a quarter share in the business, Daryl. This is a whole lot more."

"Know that! But we did the numbers."

"Yes, but that was before -"

"And I can still make the repayments, right?"

Tahlia hesitated. "It'll be really tight. There won't be any room to manage unexpected costs if things go wrong or if you have a bad month."

"The bank lady said I can extend the term or drop to interest only repayments." countered Daryl stubbornly.

"There'd be a lot less pressure on you if you'd just let me -"

"Tahly! Stop! I ain't takin' your money and if ya keep goin' on 'bout it, I'm gonna get real mad at ya and I don't wanna do that." Daryl managed firmly without raising his voice too much. "I get it, ok? I'm gonna be on the bones of my ass for a while. But if I'm doin' this, then I gotta make it work on my own, gotta know I can." Sitting back in his seat to diffuse his simmering aggression, his eyes still blazed with hard determination. "You've done more than enough for me. Wouldn'ta got this far without ya. But I'm gonna get the bank loan and I'd appreciate it if you could help me sort that out without sayin' nothin' more on the matter."

Studying him somberly, Tahlia eventually nodded in acceptance. "Of course. It's your decision, and I'll help you no matter what."

"Thanks." said Daryl gruffly as he got to his feet, pleasantly surprised to find that, for a little while, he'd forgotten all about that goddamned L-word.

As had always been the case for Daryl, time and space allowed him to wade through the mire of his thoughts, and by the time the end of the working week rolled around, he'd shaken off his doubts, found his way up to clearer ground and was now certain of the direction he wanted to head in. Same way he'd been heading before he got all turned around.

Because the idea of him and her together had been budding in his mind for a long time now and even if he tried to ignore it, he knew it would keep growing, strangle him eventually. So, with no real idea of what he was doing and the possibly permanent fear in his gut that he was going to screw things up at some point, he was on his way over to the apartment to see if maybe, Tahlia wanted to give this relationship thing a try.

Save for sending a lunchtime text message to let her know he'd be coming by after work, they hadn't really been in touch since their meeting earlier in the week, which only served to intensify Daryl's apprehension as he parked his truck, and in an attempt to calm his nerves, he sternly reminded himself that his agenda wasn't the main reason he was here tonight.

Worried about Tahlia after everything she'd been through, Andrea hadn't wanted her friend to be on her own so had stayed at the apartment all week, and it was only that morning Andrea had called Daryl and asked if he'd mind switching for a couple of nights and keeping Tahlia company while Andrea spent some time with Merle. Daryl still got all twisted up when he thought about what Brooks had done, the scars and the fear he'd left in his wake, so he was more than happy to do whatever he could to help Tahlia in any way. And, you know, the fact that he was kinda in love with her probably played a part in that, too.

Trudging up the stairs to her door, Daryl silently rehearsed what he was going to say, the anxious squirm in his belly near unbearable already, and it was only as he stepped inside the apartment it occurred to him that given how jumpy she was, he probably shouldn't be letting himself in unannounced.

Not that it mattered in this instance, he soon realized, because no one was home. Checking his phone, he saw that he'd missed a message from Tahlia:

- Sorry, caught up at work! Not sure how long I'll be. You going to Fox's?

Daryl couldn't think of anything worse than hanging out in a busy bar tonight. His head was deafening as it was.

- Nah. I can come pick you up?

Her response pinged through a moment later:

- Thanks, but all good. I'll get a ride with Hershel. Leftovers and beer in fridge. Help yourself.

And then another message from her:

- Of course they're in the fridge. Be weird if they were anywhere else.

Then another:

- Leftovers and beer in washing machine. Be sure to stop the spin cycle first.

Huffing out a quiet laugh, Daryl shook his head and quickly typed a reply.

- Shut up jackass and get your work done before I finish washing all the leftovers and beer.

Throwing his phone down, his smiled faded as he swept his eyes around the quiet space wondering what he should do now.

After amping himself up on the way over here, high on nervous energy, he felt kind of deflated at the anti-climax of the empty apartment. He mooched around for a while, sank a couple of beers, picked at some food, did some vacuuming (they had one of those new cordless vacuums and he found it kind of relaxing), then dropped into the armchair and aimlessly channel surfed, resigning himself to indefinite waiting.

More than an hour and a half later, Tahlia finally arrived, bursting through the door looking slightly harried and windswept and pink-cheeked from the cold, the winter's night clinging to her clothes.

"God, it's freezing out there." she remarked, shucking off her coat and detangling her scarf from around her neck. "Sorry I took so long. Hope I didn't stop you from going to Fox's?"

Staring at her, Daryl just shook his head. She looked extra-beautiful tonight which was highly inconvenient because it made his mouth go all dry and rendered him temporarily unable to speak.

"Did you want to go out? It's Friday night."

He shook his head again. Averted his eyes. Everything he wanted to say to her, everything he'd rehearsed had disappeared and now there was a big blank space in his head and steadily rising panic in his chest because now what?

"Ok, cool." she replied, fetching herself a glass of water, studying Daryl carefully. Something was off with him. "Neither. I'm beat. How was your day?"

"Fine." muttered Daryl, fixing his gaze back on the tv, trying to ground himself because now all he could think about was how much he wanted to kiss her but also how there should be some words by way of introduction to the kissing. But he was at a fucking loss as to what those words might be.

Buy some time. He coached himself. Ask a question.

"Um, yours?"

"Stressful. Got a caseload bottleneck. Lots to get through. Too much." Rubbing a hand over her face, Tahlia sighed. "Anyway, enough on that boring subject. Can I get you something? Beer?"

"Nah." Daryl couldn't risk looking at her because he was suddenly terrified that if he caught her eye, he'd just go blurting out that fucking L-word and freak her out.

Worrying her lower lip between her teeth, Tahlia moved slowly to the back of the sofa and rested her hands there, hyperaware of the waves of tension rolling off Daryl, although why he was so prickly, she didn't know. He seemed mad, like he didn't want to be here, and she didn't blame him. God, she'd been such a burden lately, so needy. She didn't want to be around herself sometimes either.

Taking a deep breath to try and sink the lump in her throat, she ventured, "Daryl? Are you ok? You seem kinda…?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure? Because-"

"Said I'm fine." Daryl snapped, then frowned because he hadn't meant to snap and this was not how he'd imagined things going at all, but he didn't know how to turn it around; didn't know how to reset. Shifting in his seat, Daryl opened his mouth to speak again, but Tahlia beat him to it.

"You know what?" She straightened and threw a hand in the air. "I don't need a babysitter. So if you're going to be a moody prick, then you can go and do that at your own house. Leave the keycard on the table on your way out."

Stunned into silence by the out of character rebuke, Daryl remained motionless until Tahlia had disappeared out of sight.

Well, he'd been looking for a reset – this sure felt like one. Swearing under his breath at his idiocy, he jumped to his feet and quickly followed after her.

"Silver?" he called softly at her closed door then went in anyway when she didn't answer, his heart splintering when he discovered her standing with her back to him, the heels of her hands pressed against her eyes. Seeing her upset tore at him in a way that made it real easy to forget about everything else and focus only on getting that smile back into her eyes.

"I just need a minute." she said in a small voice, surreptitiously trying to dash away her tears with her sleeve, but Daryl shook his head.

"Naw."

That had her turning around in surprise. "What?"

"Ain't givin' ya one." Closing the gap between them, Daryl gently caught hold of her shoulders. "Why you cryin'?"

"I'm not." she feebly attempted, belied by her watery eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"I am. I'm sorry that I called you a moody prick."

"Definitely don't be sorry for that." smiled Daryl. "That was a fair call. Tell me what's goin' on."

His stare was endlessly blue and penetrating and Tahlia wavered, feeling like if she chose to say nothing at all he'd see her truth all the same.

She sniffed and dropped her gaze. "You don't have to be here."

"I know."

"If you don't want to be, I mean. You and Andrea don't have to take turns babysitting me."

"That ain't what we're doin'." he assured her. "That was some serious shit that went down, so we're just keepin' you company for as long as you think you want it. And not just you – Merle, too. We're just pullin' together."

"But I don't want you to feel like you have to-"

"Ain't you listenin'? I don't feel like that. I'm here coz I wanna be. In fact, I'd much rather be here than at home. Merle can be a real fuckin' pain in the ass when he's bored."

Tahlia smiled and Daryl squeezed her shoulders in response.

"And what else? Takes more than me bein' a moody prick to make ya cry."

With a little laugh, Tahlia quickly wiped at her eyes again and tried to move back from Daryl, but he tightened his grip and she knew he wouldn't let her go until he'd wrung all her worries out.

"Its…" Distractedly she circled her finger around a button at the base of his shirt, then shook her head. "I don't know. I think maybe I was in a bubble at the vineyard because I felt like I was doing pretty good, and now I'm back here and kind of overwhelmed, I guess. You know, work's so crazy, I feel like I bleed for that place and I'm questioning why the hell I'm doing it at all. And it's awful at the moment because everyone's being so weird since I've been back, staring at me and whispering about what happened, and I'm just trying to get on with life, move past it all, but…" Tahlia drew the corner of her bottom lip into her mouth for a thoughtful moment. "I think I see him – Brooks - in the shadows sometimes, you know? I freak myself out like a total wackjob. Oh, and I nearly had a panic attack in the elevator on Monday when I thought it was going down to the basement, so there's that, too." She gave a humorless laugh. "I'm not like this all the time, I swear, but often enough that I just… I hate it. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to be looking over my shoulder, I don't want to be reliant on other people because I'm a mess on my own and -"

"Hey, hey." Her raw vulnerability made Daryl's chest ache, and he slid his hands down her arms, purposefully dragged his thumbs slowly, lightly, over her forearms where he knew her scars to be, hidden beneath her sleeves. "You ain't a mess, not at all. You're doin' real good. Gotta let time do its thing, though. Gonna take a little while, but you ain't gonna feel like this forever, and you ain't gonna be doin' none of it on your own. And 'fore you try tell me different, I'm tellin' ya you ain't got a choice, coz I ain't goin' nowhere."

Tahlia chuckled gratefully at that and squeezed his hands which were now wrapped around hers. "You shouldn't do that."

"Do what?"

"Be all lovely to me. I might end up crying again."

"Shit. Don't want that. Better go back to bein' a moody prick."

Tahlia's laugh was muffled against his chest as he pulled her into his arms and God, sometimes he was just so stupid.

All day, all week, he'd been so submerged in his own thoughts and inwardly focused that he hadn't taken the time to look around, tune in and gauge where she was at. Because if he'd pushed his attention outwards then he would've seen what was so clear to him now – the timing just wasn't right. Not wrong, exactly, but not quite right. And he must've already known that in his gut – that's why he'd felt so stuck when she'd walked in the door.

When she'd split with Alden she'd said that she wasn't in a space to make anything like that work right now, and Daryl was just realizing that that statement stretched further than he'd originally thought. She was still navigating the after-waves of her ordeal, and what she really needed right now was a friend; she needed time. And God, he'd waited so long already, what difference would a little longer make? It would be worth it to get it right.

And strangely, this realization made him feel at ease, more relaxed than he had felt in days because it was confirmation that he could get it right, that he was attuned to her, that there really was some kind of cell-deep connection between them and all he had to do was focus on that, stay out of his head, then he'd know when the time was right and the rest would unfold from there.

Seemed really fucking easy when he stopped overthinking it.

"Hey." he murmured, releasing her. "You ok?"

"Yeah." Tahlia replied with a smile.

"No more tears then?"

She squinted up at him. "I could probably muster up a few if there's a tub of ice cream to go with them."

Chuckling, Daryl nudged his head in the direction of the living room. "How 'bout some leftovers and beer, and we'll watch one of them real shit movies you like."

So, that's what they did.

And 1.5 shit movies later, Tahlia fell asleep on the sofa and Daryl scooped her up and carried her to bed despite her murmuring protests. As he pulled the blanket up around her shoulders, he silently conceded that if he was going to give her time, he should give her a little space too - he probably shouldn't sleep in her bed anymore. Best not to keep stretching his self-control.

He felt ok about that for now, though, and as he took himself off to Andrea's empty bed, he thought maybe that damned L-word was turning out to be a pretty good fit on him, after all.

Sorry, I know this feels like another filler chapter, boring and introspective, but I just felt like there needed to be a bit more space between what they'd just been through and what's coming up (though I'm sure it feels like a loooooot of space to you, given my lengthy breaks between updates!).