"There are only two options regarding commitment. You're either in or you're out. There's no such thing as life in-between."

PAT RILEY

Cupid's Chokehold; Chapter Nineteen. Bella.

While Jacob called Sam and Emily to tell them we were coming I got showered and dressed. My hair had lost all sign of highlights from the sun making it look darker than ever, which in turn made my skin look paler than ever. It wasn't Forks lack of sunlight, I had been here for a long time before my body lost it's pigment. This town was gloomy but it wasn't leaving much of an impressions. My collarbones protruded under my neck followed by bumps made by my ribs. I hadn't given myself a good look over in awhile and I was beginning to regret that I did that. I could royally screw myself over medically and cause me and my family a boatload of problems.

I had to start making changes. Of course, it was changes that got me here… they were just so hard to make consciously.

I dried off, got dressed and pulled my hair into one long braid. When I went downstairs Jake was already dressed and ready to go—and eating a sandwich. I grabbed his wrist and pulled the sandwich to my mouth, "Egg?" I swallowed the sandwich regretfully. Bread and egg should never be mixed together.

Jake's eyes twinkled in the dull light from over head, his lips turned upward into a sweet grin, "Yeah," he said softly.

"You're disgusting," I grabbed my backpack from the hallway and went to the front door. I turned around and Jake still stood there with that odd smile on his face.

"Coming?"

"Uh, yeah," in a few fast steps he was walking side-by-side next to me towards the Rabbit parked on the street. "You know that's what you get for stealing other people's food without asking," he said after finishing the last few bites of his sandwich.

"It's not stealing if I ask," I called out the door as he walked around the front to his side.

There was a pregnant pause before he spoke again, "You didn't ask." I giggled but didn't say anything. "So, where did this sudden mood change come from?" he asked after starting the car.

My smile dropped off my face, of course Jake would notice a difference, but why did he have to bring it up. He didn't bring up the ten pounds that had disappeared off my body, he did mention my depression a lot though. I just chose to ignore it. "Lots of things. Mostly what you said though; I can't control everyone's actions, Jake. And I can't take responsibility for them either! It's not fair to me, Jake. I mean, Victoria was on the loose since last spring and I've been fine since then. I mean, yeah," I shrugged, being honest, "there were some rough months. But, Jake…. I knew she was out there when we were riding motorcycles and I was happy then. Things are bad right now Jake, but I just can't let that ruin me.

"And I looked in the mirror. Why didn't you tell me I looked like Kate Moss in her bad days?"

"How'd you get so strong?"

I smiled at him, a real smile, so real that I felt it in my eyes, "I run with wolves, something was bound to wear off at some point." He took my hand in his and I looked down at them on the console. His hand was so dark, his veins made ridges out of the skin; his fingers hugged my white, limp hand possessively. I studied the tiny little stubs that remained after his hand engulfed mine. There were so many things I could do, one single movement from those five digits could make a world of a difference.

I could pull my hand away; that would be all too easy to do. I had been denying him for so long that it wouldn't be hard at all to continue on that lane. But, by doing that I was hurting him. He wasn't asking for the sun or the moon, he was just asking for me to return his feelings. It really wasn't that difficult, because I did feel something for him. I just didn't know if it was what I was supposed to feel.

Did loving a different man feel different? Because, if what I felt for Jacob was love then the answer to that question was most certainly and undeniably yes. I had a future with Jacob, he could deny me very little and because of that I could be happy, selfish as that was. With Edward, I was never very certain of where my life would end up; dead, living dead, or miserable. Or option four… with Jacob.

I looked back down at my fingers wrapped up in Jake's; finger-by-finger I wrapped them around Jake's hand. Jake squeezed my hand, but said nothing. I smiled and bit my lip, I had jumped.

I heard a far off sigh from somewhere, just the wind, Bella, I told myself.

After the long drive to the res we stopped in front of a quaint house. A white front, with the window and doorframes painted a bright Greek blue. The yard was cased in a white picket fence, but instead of lush green grass the sandy ground was covered in beach weeds. But rather than looking trashy and unkempt it added to the charm. A dingy grey car was sprawled on the dirt driveway. When I stepped out of Jake's car I could smell something wonderful coming from the open shutter window that must have been in the kitchen.

I grabbed my backpack from the backseat and met Jake at the small opening in the fence, "This house is adorable."

"Tell Emily; she's worked hard. This place was a disaster before the two moved in. Sam's been working hard at school and at work, but Emily's made this place a home."

We walked up the path that led from the sidewalk to the front door, had been swept daily it would have been a cute beige stone path, instead it was a sandy mess that caused me to slip a few times before reaching the door. Jake walked right into the house without knocking, the door opened into the dining room. Behind the dining room was a small set of stairs that led to a den, to the right of the dining room was an open kitchen. Jake pulled me into the kitchen and through an opening between the counter and cabinet I could see a tidy living room. A hallway in the living room led to the rest of the house.

I had seen Emily once before at the party, but had never met her. All I could see over the top of the fridge door was what looked to be a very heavy bun of dark, thick hair. "Emily, what's for lunch?" Jake asked, even though it was only ten.

"Ooof," she shut the fridge door smiling, "Jake, you surprised me! It's so nice to have you over! You must be Bella," after hugging Jake she accepted me into a hug, I timidly hugged her back. I hadn't been so accepted since my first day at Forks High School—and that had only lasted so long.

"It's nice to meet you, Emily."

"Congratulations, Em, on the engagement," Jake added, "It's great." For some reason, in that moment, he looked so much older than his 16 years.

"Thank you, Jake. We're planning on a late June wedding, I just hope all this vampire business doesn't mess it up. I don't like Sam being gone all the time," her bright smile vanished for the first time since we arrived, "He's actually out right now. I think Quil finally changed last night."

Jake groaned, "Do you know how he's taking it?"

She raised her eyebrows, "How'd you take it, Jacob?"

"Yeah." He ran his fingers through his hair and walked to the doorway between the kitchen and dining room, "Does he need any help?"

"No, he called a little bit ago. He'll be home for lunch, if you wanna come back."

"Yeah, sure sure. Bells, you wanna go for a walk?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess," my mind was having such a hard time keeping up with everything.

"We won't stay and bother you, Em. We'll be back later," he walked back to the door and let me out first, "so make lots of food!" he called out. Before he shut the door I heard Emily's sprinkle of laughter.

I made an effort to eat a snack when we got back to Jake's house. "Jake, instead of going to the beach could we go work on the truck? It's due soon. I haven't even started working on the essay yet, let alone the tri-board."

"Sure Bells. All the parts came in anyway," I couldn't help but notice the hesitancy in his voice.

"I mean, I don't mean to sound selfish and I realize there are a billion other things that need to be done right now…. It can wait." I wanted to bite my tongue hard after hearing all the words that came out of it. How exactly could I be so stupid as to even suggest working on something so trivial as my Senior Project at a time like this? One of Jake's best friends was going through what was probably a pretty traumatic experience, Billy was sick and lacking consistent memories in the hospital, the senior class valedictorian was in the town morgue and there was still a vampire who wanted my blood served up warm.

I felt something vile start to rise in my throat; it was that nasty feeling you get when you realize that your life is completely in shambles. Another feeling appeared in my throat, this one very real. A terrible clogged feeling that you get right before you start to cry. I coughed, trying to get it to go away. Jake noticed when my lips began to tremble and he wrapped his arms around me. "Aw, Bells. You don't have to try and be so brave."

"I'm not brave, Jake. Not even close." It was a laugh that he could call someone like me brave. Here he was, holding me while I freaked out again, and he had all the same chaos in his life as I did and the uncontrollable urge to make sure everything went fantastically for me. It wasn't at all fair that his life fell into shambles for me, but the past few weeks had shown me that there was really nothing I could do to stop that.

"Hey," he bumped me a little with his chest. He pulled my gaze up to his with his fingers under my chin. "You're still here, Bella. That's what counts." I wanted to believe him, but I wasn't so sure.

"What if I want to run? What about then?"

"Then I'll ask where you want to go."

AN: I love you guys. I have one more chapter till I run out. After all the typing from finals I have screwed up my wrist. I'm typing with one hand right now and I have no idea how I'm going to complete my finals, but c'est la vie and I will (have) figure it out. I have up to 24 scrupulously planned out, hopefully I'll get at least 2 chapters up before Christmas.