(A/N: Things get rather dramatic in this chapter. Lucy and Kohta have their confrontation after all this time.)

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter 7: Afraid

Alone in her room, Lucy took time to think over everything Nana had told her. She didn't want to believe it. She wanted to keep thinking that humans were evil creatures whose sole purpose was to cause pain. True, there were those that were kind, but from what she experienced, most were cruel.

"Out of fear, the humans labeled us as evil. Along the way, defending themselves became cruelty to us. So we're cruel right back."

Lucy shook her head, trying to put Nana's words out of her mind. Whether she was right or wrong, she had done what was necessary to survive. The humans had done that and more, they had made her suffer.

"Why did you tear off my arms and legs and then let me suffer?"

"Shut up!" Lucy snapped. "Stop making excuses for them." 'Or am I the one making excuses?'

Kaede's voice spoke to her. 'Why dwell on such thoughts? Does it matter who was right and who was wrong? Even if you did go beyond what would be considered necessary to survive. As you pointed out, you took no pleasure in killing or causing pain. Although the humans did seem to enjoy causing you pain.'

Lucy felt somewhat relieved by Kaede's words. Yes, those tests were cruel, most unnecessary. Those scientists were definitely heartless bastards. She had no regrets about killing them. But some of the people, such as Kohta's sister and father, she didn't have any right or reason to kill them. It was those type of people she was sorry for killing.

'Do not feel sorry for those insects.' Kaede told her. 'They are nothing. Many more humans will die before this is through. We will kill all those that stand in our way.'

"No!" Lucy snapped. "I am done killing. Never again will I kill."

'Killing humans is in our nature. Our instincts tell us to kill the humans so that we may replace their species with our own. That's why you found it so easy to kill in the past, because it was what your instincts told you to do.'

"I'm not some wild animal. My instincts don't control me. I have a mind of my own. I'm in control of what I do. I want nothing to do with what my instincts say. Kill humans, infect them with the Diclonius gene, be the queen of the Diclonius species, I want none of it, and I will have nothing to do with it."

When Kaede spoke again, she sounded slightly irritated. 'Then we have a problem. As I told you before. I act upon your desires, but I also act upon our instincts. I will do what's in our nature whether you want to or not. And that includes killing humans. Even Kohta, if he stands in our way.'

"No!" Lucy cried, both fearfully and angrily. "I will never allow you to harm anyone, especially Kohta."

She received only a chuckle. It was just as she thought, this new personality couldn't be trusted. It was primitive and violent, acting without morals or conscience. Lucy may have done horrible things in the past, but she was nowhere near the level Kaede was. She couldn't allow Kaede to take control again. The killing had to stop!

There was a knock at the door. "Nyu, are you ok?"

Lucy's heart skipped a beat. "Kohta…"

"We're all waiting for you. Don't take too long."

Now her heart was racing. She was with Kohta again. She would have to see him for the first time since she confessed everything. Back then she'd had no regrets, thinking she was going to die. Now she was back with him again, and she was… terrified. She would have to face him again.

But how could she?

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"Boy, Nyu sure is taking a long time." Yuka remarked.

"You think she needs help getting dressed?" Kohta wondered out loud.

Yuka kicked him under the table. "And what sort of perverted thoughts are going through your mind?"

Kohta rubbed his shin. "I was just stating a fact. You know how she is."

Mayu pushed back her chair and stood up. "I'll go help her."

"No!" Nana cried. She received strange looks for her outburst. "I mean, I'm sure she'll be fine. She has to learn to do things on her own." The door opened. "See here she is now."

Lucy slowly walked into the room, eyeing the others at the table. There he was, Kohta, looking at her with that kind caring look.

'Oh, Kohta…'

"Come on, Nyu," said Mayu, "sit down. Right next to Kohta like you wanted."

Trembling, Lucy approached the table and sat down by Kohta. She was served dinner by Yuka and everyone began to eat, none, save Nana, knowing that she was no longer Nyu.

Lucy tried to play the part of her alternate personality. It was a very badly failed attempt. She was nothing like the innocent and child-like Nyu.

Afraid as she was, she still greatly enjoyed the meal. It had been two months since she had a real meal. While at the lab, she had been force-fed some sort of slop that she wasn't even sure was edible. So eating real food was heavenly.

Throughout the meal, she kept stealing glances at Kohta. What would he do now that she had returned? Would he be happy, sad, angry, relieved, surprised? Maybe he was glad to have Nyu back, but to have Lucy back was a different story.

'Why are you so concerned about what he wants?' Kaede asked. 'Did we not agree to be selfish for a change, to be with him whether we deserve to or not?'

'You don't love, do you?' Lucy asked. 'You may be part of me, but if you were capable of love, you would love Kohta as much as I do. And you would do anything for him.'

She received no response, and was glad of it. As grateful as she was to Kaede for bringing her back her, she did not like her. The only reason Kaede helped her in the first place was because they shared the same desires.

Kohta finished eating and got up. "Thank you, Yuka, it was delicious." He gathered his plant and left the table. As he past by Lucy, he whispered in her ear. "Come to my room after everyone else goes to sleep… Lucy."

Lucy sucked in her breath. So he did know she wasn't Nyu. Did Yuka and Mayu know too? She didn't really care. Kohta was everything to her. And he knew who she was and wanted to speak to her. Alone. In his room. While everyone else was asleep.

She blushed slightly. She couldn't help it. Being alone with the man she loved had her thinking rather embarrassing thoughts.

'As if he would ever do anything with his family's murderer.'

Kaede spoke up. 'If you want Kohta in that way, but will not act upon it, I will act for you.'

'No! I will not allow that to happen. I am not worthy of Kohta. I will not let you do anything to him.'

She received a chuckle in response. 'We shall see tonight.'

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She didn't go. She couldn't face him. She just couldn't. What would she say? What would she do? She felt so lost. She had confessed her crimes and her love to Kohta. Where did she go from there? There was no way they could go back to the way things were before. It was impossible.

She sat on the bed, hugging her legs. She couldn't possibly stay in her room forever. Her room? Was this really her room? Should she really even be here? Should she even be alive?

The sound of the door opening caught her attention. She looked up to see Kohta entering her room. No, he couldn't be here. She wasn't ready to meet him. She wasn't.

"You didn't come to meet me," he told her, "so I came to you."

Lucy unconsciously moved away from him. "Kohta… I… I…"

"You don't need to be afraid of me." he told her. "I just want to talk about what happened to you."

Lucy looked away. "What do you want to know?"

"Whatever you can tell me is fine. Just know that you can trust me with whatever you say."

Lucy shook her head. "There's nothing to tell. I was recaptured, put through more torture, and I escaped again. There's not much else to tell."

Kohta thought otherwise. "Recaptured? Tortured? Just what the hell did those people do to you? Tell me everything, Lucy. Everything from when we were kids until now."

She looked away from him again. "Kohta, my past, you don't want to know. It would be better if you don't."

Kohta grabbed her shoulders. "Lucy, the last time we met, you revealed a lot about yourself, but you left me with even more questions. You killed my father and sister, but you never told me why. I need to know why. Tell me everything. Tell me, Lucy, help me understand. I have to understand."

And he had a right to. Lucy knew that she had to tell him. Tell him everything just like he asked. And she did. She told him about her past. About the orphanage, about constantly being betrayed, about the killings, about how she felt when Kohta had lied to her about Yuka, about how she had been a lab rat for those sick demented scientists, how she had obtained Nyu's personality, how she lived for the sole reason to tell Kohta that she was sorry for killing his family. The only thing she left out was Kaede. And she only left her out because she didn't fully know what to do about her new personality yet.

Kohta was silent as he listened to it all. Never would he have imagined it. So much pain, so much betrayal. It was a miracle she was still sane, excluding Nyu of course.

"So now you know." she said. "You know my whole past. And I now leave my fate up to you. What will you have me do, Kohta. I will do anything you ask."

Kohta was silent as he processed all this information. Lucy let him think it over, letting him have all the time he needed.

He was silent for over ten minutes before he spoke. "No one should have to go through the pain you've suffered. I can understand your hatred for humans after the way they treated you. I can even forgive you for most of the killings you've committed. You were forced to do what you need to survive."

Lucy felt her heart swell. He was forgiving her? How could he possibly forgive her? She was a killer. She had wronged him and others. She hadn't just killed those that were a threat to her, but also innocents. How could he forgive her for that?

"However," Kohta continued, "I can't forgive you for killing my father and sister. You had no right to take their lives, or the lives of those people at the festival. Killing to survive is one thing, but senseless killing is another matter."

"I know." Lucy replied. "Although I am truly sorry for what I've done, I don't deserve forgiveness. I'll carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life."

"And what good will that do?" Kohta demanded. "You regret your actions, that shows that you're not a monster. But you still took innocent lives. Do you think spending your whole life consumed with guilt will bring them back?"

"Kohta…"

"Well it won't! If you're really sorry for taking their lives, then live for those people you killed. You regret your actions, now make up for them. Be happy in their place, live for them. Don't dwell on the past and move towards a bright future. Because no matter what you do, those people can't be brought back to life and your pain can't be taken away. So leave the past behind you and move forward."

Lucy stared at him in disbelief. She had never heard Kohta talk like that before. It amazed her. As harsh as his words were, they were also helpful. Live for the future, not for the past. The past can't be undone, the future can only be changed.

"Oh, Kohta." She whispered. "I don't know what to do. I have blood on my hands that I can't wash off. How can I-"

"Stop thinking like that." he interrupted. "You're not evil, Lucy. That much I know. You've made mistakes, mistakes you can't undo, but you can make up for them. If you let your sins consume you, then even the justified killings you did will be in vain because you won't truly be living."

He pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming on. "Look, Lucy, we all make mistakes, some worse than others. Learn from those mistakes and work towards a brighter future."

Lucy nodded. "That's what I intend to do. I swore to never kill again. I hate killing, and I'll never do it again."

Kohta nodded. "That's good. You should never kill. It's not the right answer. But at the time you didn't know that. It was all you could do. You were betrayed by everyone else and couldn't go to anyone for help. But there will always be people to help you. You have to trust in humanity, whether they be human or Diclonius."

He got up to leave. Lucy unconsciously grabbed his shirt, preventing him from leaving. A lot had been said tonight, but she still needed to know something.

"Kohta, do you hate me?"

Kohta was silent for a moment. Then he turned back to her, offering her a smile. "I hate what you've done. But, no, I don't hate you. I meant what I said that night you disappeared. That lonely little girl I met so long ago, I really did love her. I can't hate someone I love, and still do."

Lucy gasped, looking up at him. But he was already gone. Still, it was enough for now. He didn't hate her, but he couldn't forgive her for killing his family. That was fair. More than fair. She didn't deserve forgiveness anyway.

'Pathetic humans.' Kaede commented. 'They're not worth your tears.'

Tears? Yes, Lucy realized that she was crying. She didn't know why, but the tears continued to flow.

"They are." She said. "They're worth more than my tears. More than my own life. So I will do what Kohta said. I will live for them. I will find happiness in this world. All this pain and suffering has to end. I will have no part of it. I never wanted to be a killer, and I will never kill again." She now spoke directly to Kaede. "That means I won't let you hurt anyone."

Kaede laughed. 'Then this will become a battle of willpower. So what's stronger, your love and your morals, or my instincts and nature?'

Lucy shook her head. She wouldn't let it happen. She would keep Kaede locked away. And if she couldn't and began killing people again, unable to stop, then she would do the very thing she asked of Kohta, take her own life.

(A/N: Although Lucy seems heartless most of the time, there were times in the anime where she regretted her actions. Well, maybe not to the people that were trying to kill her, but definitely for the innocents she killed. I know Kohta seemed harsh on her in this chapter, but he was actually helping her. She was letting her past sins consume her, and he gave her a way to live with them by living for the people she killed. But Kaede is different. She's pure primitive instinct, and it is in a Diclonius nature to kill humans. Things between the two are going to get rather nasty.)