Chapter 23: First day

Amber's POV's

After crying until my throat burned and my stomach ached, I took a hot shower and started crying again. I wasn't going to be able to handle this! This was the worst kind of pain to ever experience. I wanted to believe that I was exaggerating but it was hard to do that when Embry didn't want me. Sure, I should have seen it coming but I didn't honestly think that he'd break up with me because we had bad sex. Embry wasn't that kind of guy. I refused to think that that was the reason but there was always the small voice in the back of my head—the one that was impossible to ignore—screaming This your fault! All your fault! and I believe it. Who else is there to blame?

I think that's why it hurt so much because Embry and I were so happy, so inseparable and perfect for each other until we—according to him—weren't. But why? What did I do? I spent hours thinking about it; asking myself countless questions that remained unanswered, leaving me feeling like I couldn't breathe.

If that wasn't bad enough, tomorrow was the first day of school—return from the holidays. That was really the last thing I needed—for the whole world to see me at my weakest, most pathetic moment of my life.

I was the first to admit it, I was pathetic. Embry didn't love me and I still wanted him. If he were ever to come back and beg for forgiveness, I'd take him back. He didn't even have to beg—I'd make him though, so I could regain some pride.

The next morning I woke up feeling weird and groggy, like something wasn't right, like I had changed drastically but when I looked in my mirror, I looked the same. My hair was curly and still ridiculously longs, already reaching my mid back, I really needed a haircut. My limbs were still as long and thin as I remembered, my skin was still creamy and pale, almost pink and in desperate need of sun light, my eyes were still green with a hint of gray around the rim of my pupils. Physically, I hadn't changed a bit, but still, I didn't look like me.

I didn't look excited to live this new day, to see new things and hear new jokes and meet new people. My eyes were the same size—big and prodding—but they lacked the life and shine they always had. For a second, I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Why did I look so glum and bored this morning?

And just like that, right when I remembered, my shoulders slumped, my face crumpled and my knees felt week. I remembered the break up and how Embry was gone and wasn't coming back to me any time soon.

Tears were streaming down my face as I picked out some jeans and red shirt with a black vest with a hoodie. I didn't put on makeup like I usually did in the morning, I just went in the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. Nothing more, nothing less.

I saw Silver's eyes widen at my lack of fashion this morning but she didn't say anything. She had dark bags under her eyes so it was obvious she wasn't used to waking up early yet. She didn't talk much, which was nice, I didn't want to talk. I felt like I wouldn't be able to if I had to talk even if I wanted to; like my lips were glued together or something.

I went upstairs and fought hard to try breathing again. I was so afraid to face the world like this. I didn't want people to actually know that I had been broken up with. I mean, I hated to say that being the girl that dated the older guy from La Push defined who I was but I was Amber Masson, the girl that's dating that older guy from La Push. Guys would always hit on me at school for two reasons; I was new, something different from the average but of course, I was unattainable, I had a boyfriend and people always want what they can't have.

Maybe that was why Embry always wanted me, because I wasn't interested in the least. Now he was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. I took him for granted and now I lost him.

"Oh my gosh! I am so pissed." Silver's complaints warned me of her presents before I heard her footsteps coming up the stairs, "I don't want to go to school. I want to sleep like so bad."

"Sucks, I know what you mean." I mumbled and grabbed Silver's keys out of her purse to let myself in her car. I didn't want to be mean but I didn't want to talk to her either so I popped in my head phones, not really listening to the song and lyrics.

Silver tried to talk to me on the drive to school but after 5 minutes of minimal response and grunting she got the picture and stopped talking to me. She parked at school and I couldn't get away fast enough from her and Seth. I could almost see the love radiate through the both of them like visible heat waves. I hated to think that I was actually jealous of my little sister but I was. Seth and she had been together just as long as Embry and I had. Our relationship was much more stable; we never fought, we never came home crying, he were much happier than stupid Seth and Silver. We were the perfect couple. We were supposed to last longer.

"Amber!!!!" A voice cried, I turned around to see Gabrielle running towards me with a huge grin and her arms wide open awaiting a hug. I notice right away that her hair—originally brown but was bright red the last time I saw her—was now black with burgundy highlights.

My eyes didn't widen, I didn't gasp because I honestly didn't care. "Gaby," I wanted to sound excited and happy to see her but it just came out flat. I returned her hug, squeezing her tiny body and forcing a smile on my face, "You look great."

She went over me and seem a little surprised, of course in a bad way. She also forced a smile on her face, "You look—wow, you're not wearing make-up."

I shrugged.

"It's a good look."

"Thanks."

The bell wasn't ringing for a few minutes so we just walked around the school. Gabrielle chattered about her holidays; the iPhone she got, the fight her parents got in, the parties she'd been to. I just nodded and pretended to be interested.

"Boo!" Christina snuck up behind both of us and screamed. She smiled and pushed her dark hair out of her face, "Darn it! I'll never scare you guys." She pouted.

"You're not scary." Gaby rolled her eyes and pulled Christina into a huge hug.

I just watched from the sidelines while they squeal with equal enthusiasm and excitement. I said hi to a few passing friends.

"Wow! You're not wearing make-up." Christina stated in shock, having looked at me for the first time. "You're not ugly…you just look...dead." she giggled.

I rolled my eyes and took long deliberate steps towards the girls' washroom. I bumped into someone causing all their things to fall on the floor. At first, I was going to keep walking then I realised that just because I was in a bad mood, it didn't mean I had to ruin everybody else's day.

I turned around and helped Andy pick up his books. Andy was a good kid; he was in most of my classes. He was already crouched on the ground trying to collect all his stuff and didn't look up, not expecting help from anyone.

I bent over and helped pick up his binders and note books, "Sorry, Andy, I didn't see you there."

Andy gasped and looked up at me. I didn't pay attention to his eyes boring into the roof of head. I stood up straight and so did he. I handed him his books.

"I didn't know you knew my name." he mumbled taking them back, his cheeks flushing.

I looked up at him, he was tall and thin. He had this thick head of dark curly hair, that and his nose were both dead give-aways that he was a Jew. I frowned, "You're in most of my classes." I reminded him, rolling my eyes. Did he really think I was that self-centered? I couldn't care less what he thought of me but how dare he think I was so self centered…

He lifted his skinny square shoulders to shrug.

"Sorry for bumping into you." I mumbled before squirming past him.

"Hey, are you okay? You don't look like yourself."

I stopped, feeling my stomach lurch in strange ways, hating that my bad mood was so obvious, especially to Andy—a guy I hardly ever spoke to—a guy who didn't know me at all. I mean, none of my friends noticed anything, either that or they just didn't care, and here was this stranger asking me if I was okay, "I'm fine." I muttered and headed back in the direction of the washroom when the loud, nasally bell rang. I just sighed and walked past Andy, eyes on the ground but I could feel him looking at me.

Surprisingly, I survived day one of school without anyone asking how Embry was. I worked harder at being a better sport and "laughed" with the group when it was necessary even though the whole time—during class, during conversations, during lunch—I was thinking of Embry. Where was he? Was he thinking of me as much as I was thinking of him? What had I done for him to suddenly lose interest? Could I win him back?

Silver tried talking to me again and I listened to her at first so that she wouldn't grow too suspicious but after a few minutes of her talking about Melanie or Naika or whatever she was talking about I spaced out and looked out the window.

For some weird reason, I didn't want people knowing about my break-up with Embry. I couldn't quite place the reason why though. I didn't want to admit it, to say it out loud for the world to see how weak I was. I didn't want people feeling bad for me or think of me differently. I really didn't wasn't Silver to know because I didn't want anyone to know. That would make it too legit. I couldn't even think about her knowing.

Her not knowing didn't last nearly as long as I hope though. The next day, Silver noticed how distant I was acting. She was telling some story about science class, dissections and someone passing out or something but I wasn't paying attention. I just didn't care. It was all very juvenile to me. I just grabbed my keys and tried to open the house door.

"What the hell's your problem?" she demanded, sounding as annoyed as I felt. She was so annoying; it was like she didn't know when it was time for her to shut the hell up.

"I don't have a problem," I said and opened the door but my attempt to slam the door in her face kind of erased my statement. That move there just bought me into a quarrel I was not interested in being a part of.

She caught the door before it could hurt her and I was glad. I didn't honestly want to hurt her, "What the F, Amber?"

I felt heat rising to my face with anger and frustration. Not only the frustration from the last two days at school with my friends who didn't seem to give a crap that I was deteriorating in front of them, but the anger towards myself and Embry for doing this to me. "Shut up, Silver! I said nothing was wrong!" I screamed way louder than was necessary.

Silver just looked at me for a few quiet seconds, taking in my flushed face, my heavy breathing and my clenched fist, like I would really hit her with it. We both knew I wasn't capable of hitting her of all people.

She gasped and her eyes widened. My heart stuttered and my stomach stirred in fear that she actually guessed my deep dark secret, "Are you pregnant?" she moaned as if the idea caused her physical pain.

My face scrunched up at that ridiculous assumption. The last thing I wanted was a kid and she knew I wasn't planning on getting pregnant. Ever. Even when I would have a steady boyfriend for ten years, pregnancy's out, "No. Ew. Of course not." I rolled my eyes.

She sighed in relief, "Where's Embry?" She asked in such a casual, nonchalant voice, it felt unnatural how the wind knocked out of me like a blow to the gut.

"He's not here!" I said sounding even angrier when the truth was, I felt like I was going to burst into tears.

Silver didn't notice my instability, "Come to think of it, I haven't seen him in a while."

I took a deep breath and it took all the strength in my body to just spit it out. "Well we broke up in a while. Maybe that's why you haven't seen him." I sneered. Hating her for making me say it out loud but also feeling the huge weight being lifted off my shoulders.

She gaped at me for so long; all my nerves seemed to settle into their places. Silver didn't move so I took it upon myself to speak. I tried to act like I didn't care; I didn't want her to see how I was really dying on the inside. I sighed in defeat, "Yeah, he dumped me. It was...pretty gruesome," I took a seat on the sofa and reached for the remote to turn on the TV, "Now that you know, I'm gonna stop pretending to be happy. Okay?" I said, though what I really meant was You know, so now I'll be moping more openly.

"S-sure." She stuttered, as baffled as I was when I found out Embry was dumping me. She looked so shocked, as if I had announced that her parents were getting a divorce, "Do you mind me asking...when?"

I frown. She was lucky I was even telling her and she was asking for more? "Actually, yeah, I do mind." I responded, my voice harsh.

Silver didn't wince at my abruptness, she seemed to completely understand, like since Embry broke up with me I had the right to be mean to her. She gazed at me with so much sadness and compassion, I felt my throat constrict, "Three days ago." I answered, "It's been three days." I whispered to myself. That number didn't seem right, like it wasn't big enough. Was this the end or the beginning? How long was I going to grieve over this?

"What happened?" She whispered back to not startle me.

I shook my head, not knowing what happened, "I don't know. We were fine and then he just...after we...6 months, Silver. It's almost been six months." I didn't understand how he could just throw away those six months we had together—six happy months. There was nothing but happiness when we were together. Was that happiness gone now that he was gone?

My bottom lip started to tremble and I bit down on it to keep from sobbing. I wiped my tears away before Silver could see them.

We didn't speak after that. I stared at the TV not really paying attention to the images or the jokes being told from character to character. When someone knocked at the door, Silver jumped at the sudden pounding that broke our silence.

She got up to answer it and it was Seth. Seth; her perfect boyfriend, the one who loved so much, the one who couldn't keep his hands of her, the one who didn't dump her right after taking her virginity.

Being in the same room as the two them filled me with so much jealousy and pain I had to leave before they sealed the deal with a kiss. I snuck to my room and took a shower before crawling into my bed. I grabbed my laptop and went on Facebook, reminiscing on a time where Embry and I were happy and together.

I looked at countless pictures of Embry and me on Facebook until I heard the muffled sound of Silver and Seth yelling. I froze, trying to hear what they were saying but the ceiling was too thick and they were right above my head. I felt a weird feeling in my stomach like the reason they were fighting was because of me. My eyes filled with tears again, I didn't want them to fight because of me. Everywhere I went, hearts were being broken.

I closed my eyes and fell asleep with a painful lurching in my stomach.