OKAY! So I know there is no excuse for my lateness so I'm not gonna bother to try and do the whole reasoning thing.
I shouldn't have left it there and made you all wait so long.
BUT!
I have managed to push out an 11k chapter! So please enjoy and thank you all so much for your ongoing support.
This chapter is called Decode and I know I did a Part One before but this isn't Part Two to Ave Mary A. Part Two is next chapter. Confusing, I know. That's just how I roll...
EPOV
There's something in the way that she looks at me that makes me think she knows exactly what's going on in my head. The way she hesitates, the way she's stopped throwing herself on me when I walk in the door after work, the way she clings desperately to me when I draw her close, the way her eyes go dead when she sees her friends being affectionate with their partners, the slight flinch I see when she hears those three words she aches for being said to someone else by someone else. I hear her crying at night and like an idiot I wait with my hand on the door until she falls asleep. She doesn't even know I'm there. No one does.
She knows I'll never kiss her again, and I think she knows why.
I'm killing her, but all I can think of is the fact that she's a baby. She is 6 months and 2 weeks old. Jacob was exactly right when he nicknamed her Baby Bells. She's a baby. My Bella, the love of my life, is a baby.
And I'm breaking my little baby Bella's heart.
But I have to. Because this is the only way she'll grow up right.
BPOV
"How are you?" Esme asked quietly, not wanting to wake Leah and Jacob who had fallen asleep on the lounge. I shrugged, sitting at the breakfast bar and quickly drinking some juice. I had learned that shrugging was better than telling people how you actually felt. I didn't feel very good at all. My heart was hurting and I was scared of losing my family.
Just like I'd lost Edward.
The thought of him sent a fresh wave of pain through my blood. I had gotten so good at hiding my tears – I thought I'd cried them all out before coming down to breakfast, but I was obviously wrong. They welled up and threatened to spill over quicker than I could distract myself. Luckily, Esme was busy rummaging in the fridge for something, so I excused myself and sat out on the deck. I stared into the forest and let the tears trail down my cheeks. I didn't bother to wipe them away.
I don't know how long it was before Jacob came out. He startled me and I didn't have time to hide – he saw that I was crying. He didn't ask me why I was crying; he didn't say anything at all, he just put his arm around my shoulders. He patted my hair when I lost control and sobbed harder than ever. I was making such a noise – I must've sounded like a wounded animal. He just shushed me and let me cry for Edward.
"I'm broken," I whispered between deep breaths.
"I know," he whispered back.
"I can't fix it."
"I wish I could fix it for you, Bella."
"I need Edward."
"Do you want me to get him?"
Part of me wanted him to run and get Edward, but the other part of me knew that if he went he would bring me the Edward who didn't love me anymore. I wanted the Edward who used to tuck me in, kiss my forehead and tell me every night how much he loved me. Not this Edward – the Edward who was afraid of what I was.
"No. I just need you to hug me, Jacob."
He nodded, shutting his eyes and pulling me closer. His deep breath shuddered a little, and he pressed a shaky kiss to my head. It didn't comfort me as much as Edward's kisses did.
"Come inside," he whispered, helping me up when my sobs had died down to sniffles. I pressed my palms to my eyes before standing. We both came face-to-face with Edward when we reached the door.
EPOV
"How long have you been there?" Jacob asked. I barely heard him.
Bella's tear-stained, heartbroken face was staring up at me with an agonized kind of desperation. Her wounded eyes and her heart-wrenching sobs would forever haunt me. More than her bruises at the hands of my father, her heartbreak and pain at my hands would forever be ingrained in my memory as the most devastating memory in history. She was searching for something in me, trying to work me out like the puzzles Charlie and Renee had taken to giving her every evening. They never took her very long, and I had a feeling she was going to crack me eventually as well.
"Are you okay?" I asked Bella, hating the way her eyes hopefully darted to my hand as it twitched instinctively towards her. She didn't answer me, she only moved closer – so close that her toes bumped mine. With that same wounded, agonized look in her eyes, she reached out hesitantly and took one of my hands. A tear slid down her nose but the pain seemed to alleviate slightly when I didn't pull away. I even allowed her to take my hand and place it around her waist, then repeat the motion with my other hand. She lifted one of her hands and rested it on my cheek, caressing with her thumb and letting out a shaky but somewhat relieved breath. She smiled a small, hopeful smile like she was asking for something. I knew what she was asking, and I wasn't going to say those words to her so I drew back. Her breath hitched ever so slightly as I broke our contact and her hands clutched at empty air before dropping to her sides. She was broken again, her lip quivering as she pleaded with those chestnut orbs that did me in every time. I turned to leave.
"Don't," she croaked, lurching forward but stopping short of holding me back. I glanced at her over my shoulder but said nothing. "Please," she whispered.
"Please what?" I asked. Jacob glared at me from beside Bella, he didn't like the coldness in my voice. He didn't understand that this is what was best for her.
"Please don't go," she begged.
"I need coffee," I lied. "Just wanted to see if you're okay but you've got Jacob so you can talk to him about it."
"Don't go," she repeated, tears falling freely now. I turned away from the sight and began walking to the kitchen. It was killing me, too. I heard her whimper before the sobs took over her fragile little body all over again.
***
"A quick word about Christmas, everyone," Esme began, only to be interrupted by Bella straight away.
"What's Christmas again?" she asked, clutching Korben. She had taken to carrying him around lately.
"It's a holiday where we celebrate life, love, birth, miracles… all of the good things in life. We give gifts to each other and we decorate the house-"
"We stuff ourselves with awesome food," Emmett added.
"And we sing Christmas Carols," Alice grinned. Bella smiled half-heartedly.
"Esme, do you think we could take Bella Christmas shopping? She missed out on shopping for birthdays – and I don't really see the harm now we know everything now," Rosalie asked, trying to find something to cheer her up.
"You don't have to," Bella shook her head, holding Korben tighter.
The doorbell rang. The Swan's were back.
"We'll talk about it later. Bella, do you want to go upstairs and get dressed?"
"Okay." Bella rose slowly and when she reached the staircase she bravely turned to face me. "Edward?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I talk to you please?" she asked. I was taken aback by her approach – she was learning more and more social skills every single day. Before, I would have been proud and found it endearing, humouring her and following her up the stairs so she could talk to me in private. She probably would have just wanted to tell me something inane that I found completely adorable. But things were different now. I was still proud of her progress, but I pushed any other feelings away.
I was going to say no. I was going to walk away. But Esme was standing close by and out of the corner of my eye I could see her watching, urging me to go with her. She was completely against our relationship – or whatever it was that we'd had – but she was even more against the way the light in Bella's eyes was dying out. I wasn't the only one who had noticed the change in her behaviour and general demeanour.
"Sure, I'll be up in a minute."
"Promise?"
She looked so desperate that I wanted to scoop her up and give her all the love and affection she needed to feel better – and I was also afraid that I was too late and that nothing was ever going to pull her out of this. Everyone goes through heartbreak, and I don't know of anyone who has ended up being with their first love forever – but Bella wasn't like anyone I'd ever known. She loves so intensely.
"Yeah I promise, Bella."
***
I shut the door behind me and was instantly reminded of the last time I'd hurt Bella by pushing her away. She had been in a similar position, hugging her little stuffed wolf and looking sad.
This time, even in her depression, she looked simply stunning. Her hair was falling in perfect spirals and… everything was just working for her. Her dress set off the brown in her eyes, the blue eyeliner smudged around them highlighted the small sections of blue near her hips. Her skin glowed against the cream coloured neckline and hem. Her lips were the perfect shade of pink.
Her legs were tucked under her body and her arms encircled Korben as she peered up at me, half worried and half relieved.
"You came," she breathed.
"I said I would," I replied, sitting beside her.
"The Swan's are going to take me away," she told me, getting straight to the point. I nodded at the floor then looked to her, silently asking what she wanted me to do about it. I mean, really, what was I meant to do? I couldn't stop them. They had legal papers stating that they were her parents. She belonged with them according to the court – at least until she was 21. "Before they do, they want to take me to Cystemaco." I nodded again. I knew all of this already. "Will you come with us?"
"I don't think I'm welcome."
"I'm afraid," she admitted, holding Korben so tightly that I feared he would break or something. She met my eyes and took in a deep, shuddering breath. "I know that… you, um… I know you don't… love me," she began, her voice cracking as though the words themselves were causing her physical pain. "But, um… I really need someone there that cares and… I mean, you still care about me, right?" she asked, her breathing becoming more and more erratic with every word. It was like she was being repeatedly stabbed in the chest. "Right?"
"Right," I nodded, swallowing my own grief.
"So you'll come?"
"The Swan's aren't going to hurt you, Bella," I assured her, staring at my hands. They had made it clear that they weren't comfortable with Bella's attachment to me – they found it unhealthy and they definitely would not want me being her safety blanket at Cystemaco.
"Edward?" I looked up at her, and the look in her eyes had nothing to do with the conversation at hand. "I love you so much," she whispered, placing Korben to the side and climbing into my lap. She didn't let me get away this time, in a rare display of her true physical strength. She wrapped her arms around me and snuggled into my chest, her legs locking around my back like the child she was. "I miss you," she sniffled, playing with my hair like her normal self. I left my arms at my sides but didn't struggle. "Hold me," she pleaded, her tears staining my shirt.
"Your parents don't like us cuddling this way."
"I need someone to cuddle me."
"Jacob can cuddle you, Bella. What's the difference?"
"I don't love Jacob like I love you."
"Well I don't love you like you love me," I blurted, instantly regretting it. I heard the sharp intake of breath and felt her freeze. I swear I heard her heart shatter into a million tiny pieces.
"Bella?" Renee opened the door but when her eyes fell on us she didn't look as upset as I thought she would be. She looked more sympathetic towards me than anything. Thank goodness I'd kept my hands on the bed while Bella clung to me. "Baby, we're gonna do some more puzzles now. Come on." Bella slid off my lap without meeting my eyes. Picked Korben up and when she faced the door, Renee's face dropped. "Oh Bella, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," Bella lied, pushing past and heading down the stairs.
"What happened just now?" Renee asked me. I just shook my head – I wasn't going to go into my private life with this stranger who had come to fuck my life up in a million different ways. "Are you alright?"
"Fine," I replied icily, pushing past like Bella did but heading outside instead of into the living room.
From outside, I heard Charlie's cheery greeting to Bella. Like everyone else, they were falling in love with her. They would have loved her even more if they had known her when she was happy. I suppose they did, through Jasper, but it was different seeing it for yourself. She hadn't giggled in the longest time – if it wasn't the sound that I lived for, I would have forgotten it by now.
"You look upset, kid," he commented. I spied through the window and saw him place an arm around her shoulder.
"I feel sad," she told him, quickly swatting a tear away.
"Why do you feel sad?"
"I just… do."
"You can tell me, its okay," he assured, squeezing her gently. She looked at her fingers as they fiddled with the bracelet Esme had given her when she was confused at Alice's birthday. She hadn't understood why she didn't get any gifts.
"There isn't one person in the entire world who loves me – not one," she stated sadly. Charlie studied her face, then sighed and rubbed her arm comfortingly.
"Who said that?"
"No one. I just… figured it out."
"Like our puzzles?"
"Yeah."
"What was your biggest clue?"
"Edward."
"What about him?" Charlie asked, looking so confused it would have been comical in any other circumstance. He clearly wasn't used to being any kind of father figure. I wondered how well he was going to deal with having someone as high-maintenance as Bella with him all the time – always depending and relying on him for every kind of support.
"He said he didn't love me." Charlie gazed at her questioningly and she sighed before explaining more. "He used to, but he doesn't anymore. He just told me."
"And that makes you sad?"
He was obviously still in awe of her emotional capability.
"I feel like my life means nothing. I'm a mistake. I was okay with that, because Edward promised me that he loved me no matter how different I was. Since you came here and he found out the truth, he hasn't been very loving because he's afraid of what it means to love me. But I thought he still did, deep down. I thought he would eventually still want to be a couple with me. Now I know he doesn't love me at all. And there isn't any reason for me to be here. I'm not the daughter you wanted. I'm not the soldier Cystemaco wanted. I'm not the girlfriend Edward wanted. I'm nothing. I'm broken. I'm just a mistake."
***
BPOV
Esme was last to tuck me in tonight. Even though I did like being tucked in, I missed Edward doing it. I could hear him shuffling around in his room and Esme must have noticed my eyes wandering in the direction of the sound because she smoothed my hair down with a sorry look.
"You'll be okay, sweetheart," she promised, kissing my forehead.
"I don't like this," I admitted. I didn't like any of this. I didn't like that Edward wasn't spending time with me, I didn't like who I was, I didn't like what was happening to my family, I didn't like my new parents.
"I know."
"I don't like Renee, mom," I whispered.
Something about what I said put a very sad look in Esme's eyes. She teared up a little bit and scooped me up, pressing her lips to my hair.
"She's going to take care of you, Bella," she choked.
"I want you guys to take care of me. You're the best at it. You know all of my favourite things and you know all the stuff I don't like, and she doesn't even know my name."
"Don't think about it," Esme soothed. "You're going to have a wonderful time with your parents and you'll still get to see us. They're talking about living here in Forks."
I nodded in agreement. I wasn't going to think about it right now. I needed to sleep and I needed to clear my head of all this junk that was just flying around in there, distracting me and making me feel horrible. "And tomorrow you're going to go shopping. That'll be fun for you," she smiled. I knew she didn't really like the idea of me going shopping, but she was going to let me go anyway, which made me really happy. I was finally going to see the outside world for real instead of on the TV. I was going to see elevators and fountains and shops and mannequins!
"I wish Edward would come say goodnight," I sighed, thinking aloud. Actually what I had been thinking was that I wished he would come shopping, but I did wish he would come say goodnight as well. Esme rubbed my shoulder.
"He's in a very difficult place right now, Bella."
"He's in his bedroom," I frowned, looking over and seeing the shadow of his feet under the door.
"No I mean his mind is playing some very nasty tricks on him."
"Well that's not very nice," I grumbled, holding my toy wolf close to me. Korben had become my best friend since Edward had left me and Leah was hanging around more.
"He doesn't want to hurt you."
"Well he does. He hurts my heart very much," I sniffled, wiping a tear away quickly. Esme frowned at me like she was trying to work me out.
"Bella, what do you and Edward do when you visit him in the mornings?" she asked. I shrugged my shoulders and told her that I didn't visit him in the mornings anymore, which was the truth. I hadn't spent a morning with Edward in a while. "But what did you used to do, when you did visit him?"
"Nothing, really," I answered, shrugging again. I didn't understand why it would matter what we did, anyway. "Why?"
"I'm just curious. Tell me."
"Well he was usually sleeping when I went in there, so I would hop into bed with him."
"You would sleep there?"
"No, we're not allowed to sleep in the same bed. We would just cuddle and talk about stuff."
"What kind of stuff?"
I told her everything. I told her that we would talk about my breakfast, about what we were going to do that day. I told her that we would sometimes talk about my lessons and sometimes he would tell me about his work. I told her how I would ask him questions about things that Carlisle didn't explain properly like couples, dreams, feelings and sex. Her eyebrows shot up at that and she asked me why I would ask him about sex.
"Edward is really good at teaching me stuff. He knows how to explain things differently."
"Did he ever show you anything?"
"He showed me loads of stuff!" I nodded, grinning. "He showed me how to wink and he showed me how do rude finger signs and he showed me how to raise my eyebrow."
For some reason, she looked relieved. All I could think was how weird everyone was being lately. But then I understood – this was what Edward was talking about when he said we couldn't be a couple. Esme thought we had sex. "We didn't do sex stuff because we're not a couple and he didn't want people to think he was a pedoflile."
"Paedophile."
"Right. But Esme none of this matters," I sighed, shaking my head. None of it mattered because no matter what we used to do in his room when we were alone was, we were never going to do it again because he didn't love me anymore.
"It doesn't?"
"No, because Edward doesn't like being near me anymore. He doesn't love me."
"We all love you, Bella."
"Edward told me he doesn't."
"Well honey that's just his mind playing those tricks I told you about. Honest."
"You really think so?" I asked. I really hoped that Esme was right – she was hardly ever wrong about these things. Moms are really cool that way – they always seem to know things that other people don't know.
Renee didn't know anything about me, really. That's why I didn't want to go with her – she wasn't my mother.
"I really think so, Bella. Now get some sleep."
"Okay, mom. I love you."
"I love you too, sweetie."
She kissed my forehead and left the door open a little bit – just the way I liked it.
***
EPOV
"Edward?"
Esme's tentative knock startled me as I fucked about with my guitar on my bed. She came in at my request and sat beside me, a determined but sympathetic look on her face. I knew that look. She was going to talk to me about Bella.
"I don't really want to talk about it."
"You've really hurt her."
"I know that, but it's for the best."
"How do you know that?"
"She's gonna grow up and forget about me and-"
"Not if they stay here in Forks. She'll have to look at you every day and wonder what she did to warrant the great loss she's feeling right now. The poor girl is using a stuffed toy as a replacement for the affection she used to get. As if it wasn't already enough that-"
"I really don't need this right now," I groaned, pushing my guitar to the side and raking my hands through my hair. I didn't need the only person who hadn't pried to be in here telling me what to do and how to feel and how to handle this – I really didn't. No matter if she was my mom or not.
"Well nor does Bella," she retorted, her eyebrow arcing defiantly. "I left the love of my life because he hurt that girl. You've managed to hurt her worse and she hasn't deserved either of your actions. Please think about that."
"What, you're threatening to kick me out as well?" I asked with a prickle of self-righteousness.
"No, Edward. I fought to keep you here. Just like I fought to keep Bella here. I thought you were on my side, honey. I thought you just wanted her to be safe and happy and healthy."
"I do want that. That's the entire point," I clipped, rolling my eyes. Why didn't anyone just get it? Why couldn't anyone see that the reason I was pushing her away was because I wanted her to be able to form normal, healthy relationships that she would be safe and happy in? That's all I wanted for her.
"Well son, in case you haven't noticed, she's miserable."
"You don't want us in the kind of relationship that she wants us to have."
"Do you?" she asked, her eyes boring into mine. My answer to that particular question had the potential to destroy my relationship with my mother – but lying to her would be worse.
"I love Bella, mom," I confessed, my voice cracking a little as every emotion I was feeling began to bubble to the surface. "I really do. I love her so goddamn much. And I know she loves me too, okay?"
"Okay, son."
"But the thing is, ma, I can't just…" I trailed off, groaning and flopping down onto my back, rubbing my fists on my stinging eyes. "I can't do this. She's just a baby."
"Not in her heart, Edward."
"I don't know that."
"No one will ever know for sure except Bella. And she's pretty sure that she loves you as much as you love her. Now, I'm not going to pretend that I had hoped this wouldn't happen. I was scared for this, to be completely honest. But it's happened and you're going about this the wrong way."
"I don't know that it is the wrong way. I think this is the only way."
"That's because you're looking at it wrong."
I sat up then, pleading with her to tell me. I needed her to show me things the way she saw them because she seemed so sure where I was so completely unsure.
We talked for hours, and for the first time in a very long while I understood. I had to take things slow with Bella. I wouldn't completely deny her, but I wouldn't go back to the intensity we once shared. I would wait for her to come to me when she was a little more grown up, but I wasn't going to deny my feelings anymore.
***
The big day had come. Bella was leaving the house and going into the wild world of Christmas shopping. Esme had insisted that it might be too much for her first ever outside world experience but she was just so damn excited, and Renee and Charlie hadn't seen anything wrong with it. So she was going to go to the mall with myself, Jacob, Charlie and Emmett. The girls were going to stay home and decorate the place, much to Alice's disappointment. It was just easier for us guys to handle it if anything were to go wrong.
She waited excitedly by the door all rugged up and looking completely adorable. Even Emmett commented on how cute she looked in her white coat, red hat and blue scarf. Both Renee and Esme kissed her goodbye. I wondered if she felt as uncomfortable as the rest of us, having the Swan's act like her parents with Esme right there. It was kind of… well, it was kind of fucking rude if you ask me. But whatever. They have all the power, so…
"Ready, kid?" Charlie asked, smiling fondly as she practically bubbled over with excited.
"Yes!" she cried, wrenching the door open and flying over to Emmett's car. Charlie headed over and took the front seat.
"Christmas shopping!" she squealed, twirling under Jacob's arm before she got into the car. I slid in on her other side and her eyes widened in a happily surprised kind of way. "Hi Edward!"
"Hi Bella," I replied, fastening my belt and helping with hers. "What?" I asked as she kept grinning at me.
"You're coming with me!" she chirped, throwing her arms around me in an unexpected expression of pure glee. Charlie chuckled, watching from his mirror as I awkwardly patted her back. It was the first sign of affection I'd shown her in the longest time and she lapped it up, squeezing me tighter and pressing her cold nose to my neck. I jumped back, letting out a startled noise as her icy skin touched mine. Then it happened.
She giggled, and the bubbles and chimes filled the entire car. Everyone's faces lit up as she laughed into my shoulder and I couldn't stop myself from tickling her to keep that wonderfully joyful sound coming. I needed to hear her happy, I need to see her smiling and feel her little shoulders shake with laughter to know that she was going to be okay.
Out of nowhere, Bella gasped and pulled herself away from me. She looked around the car in total amazement, her mouth in a little "o" of wonder.
"There's music in this car!" she cried, immediately bouncing to the song on the radio.
"Most cars have music, Bells," Charlie grinned, shaking his head a little. He'd have to get used to her little outbursts – there wasn't much that she wasn't shocked by.
"Well the two other cars I went in didn't have music, did they Edward?" she said, asking for my support with a gentle prod in my side.
"My car has music," I informed her. She frowned and shook her head indignantly.
"No I would remember if it had music! That was the funnest time I ever had in a car!"
Jacob cracked up at that, his dirty mind obviously playing up again. Emmett caught on to the joke, laughing along as Charlie looked curiously at us. Bella only looked confused.
"What are you laughing at?"
"Nothing, Bella."
"I wanna know!"
"No you don't," I told her, rolling my eyes. Charlie looked back out his window.
"I definitely wanna know," she insisted.
Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair and just opted for telling the truth.
"They thought you meant we had sex in my car," I explained, effectively ending their laughter.
"That's silly! You don't have sex in a car!" she giggled. I laughed along because she was shaking her head like I told her they thought I was from another planet and because like most of our other conversations about sex, she was totally wrong. Charlie had his head in his hands.
"Welcome to our world, Charlie," Emmett grinned. Charlie grimaced and glanced at Bella through the mirror, who was still bouncing to the music and now gazing out at the snow.
"Besides," she added. "You wouldn't even let me have sex with you in the bed!"
At that, Jacob burst into laughter right as Charlie whirled his head around in shock. My hand flew up to my head in shame. Jesus Christ, they'll never let me see her again…
She mistook my reaction, quickly defending herself. "Well you wouldn't! You told me that we couldn't have sex because we weren't a couple and that I didn't really understand anything about it and that-"
"OKAY! That's enough from you," I exclaimed, covering her mouth with my hand. She kept talking, words muffled and incomprehensible. Eventually she gave a huff and settled for leaning on my shoulder.
"But I still love you even though you're mean to me," she sighed. Jacob chuckled and patted her knee.
"So you and Edward talk about sex?" Charlie asked, obviously quite disturbed by her outburst.
"No, not really," she amended, smiling at him and playing with the loose threads from the hole in the knee of my jeans. "I asked him why we couldn't be a couple, he told me that we couldn't because if we were people would think we had sex."
"Huh," he replied, eyeing me suspiciously. "And did you?"
"Did we what?"
"No!" I interrupted, shaking my head vigorously. "Of course we didn't! Christ!" Instinctively, I pushed Bella away as if to prove we had never been close that way. She looked wounded and Jacob took her hand offering her a small reassuring smile.
"Relax, Edward," Emmett called from the driver's seat. "You didn't have to push her." I looked over at Bella, who was looking down into her lap with her lips pursed. She was trying not to cry.
"Sorry Bella," I said, placing my hand on her knee. She just nodded. "Hey…" She looked up at me. "I'm sorry," I told her sincerely.
As though she were physically compelled to do so, she leaned back over and rested her head on my shoulder and linked arms with me, slipping her free hand into mine. I looked down at our entwined hands and I couldn't help but think how right it felt. I felt like a yo-yo when it came down to our relationship. One second I couldn't even consider being with her because of her condition and the next I couldn't think of anything but being with her because it was the most natural thing in to world the both of us.
***
We ran into Leah and some of the boys from the reservation while shopping. Bella was stuck to my side, and because of her terror of strangers I didn't push her away. I kept my arm around her shoulder while she looked around in wonder and held her back when she went to run at things that she found particularly amazing – like fountains and Santa and the big Christmas tree. Seth, Leah's little brother, was the most approachable of all the boys and managed to get a small hello from her. She was scared by the sheer size of them, and she wasn't in her comfort zone so they quickly left her alone.
Money fascinated Bella. Even though she'd learned all about it, she still found it weird that people exchanged items for paper and metal. She wondered aloud several times who decided what everything was worth in terms of coins and notes, but no one had an answer for that so we all just kind of brushed it off.
"What's that?" Bella asked for the umpteenth time, shoving a coupon in my face.
"Where did you get that?" Jacob laughed.
"It was on the floor! What is it?" she asked, waving it around in front of her own face in complete awe and fascination. I halted her frantic movements, gently taking it from her and placing it in her pocket. She grinned up at me and pointed above our heads. "What's that?" I looked up and saw mistletoe hanging. Jacob cackled at the sight.
"Yeah, what is that above your head, Edward?" he teased. I flipped him the bird, provoking an astonished gasp from Bella – she knew what that finger meant because I taught it to her. She giggled and covered my finger.
"Don't be rude!" she reprimanded, wagging her own index finger at me comically.
"It's mistletoe. A Christmas plant."
"Why is it hanging there?"
"When you stand under it with someone, you have to kiss them," Emmett grinned.
"You don't have to," Charlie amended, rolling his eyes and pulling Bella away from it. I thanked him with my eyes.
"Oh!" Bella responded, gazing above my head. Then she skipped over and planted the sweetest little kiss on my cheek. "Merry Christmas!"
"Yeah, uh… Merry Christmas, thanks," I mumbled, feeling awkward.
"I like Christmas," she sighed, taking my arm as we moved on.
***
We had loaded the car with the gifts and were heading back towards the food court for lunch when someone called my name. And I would recognise that voice anywhere.
"Jane," I nodded when she approached us. Emmett slyly ushered Charlie and Jacob away, but Bella wouldn't leave my side.
She looked the same as when we were dating, except her blonde hair was shorter now. She still had that angelic little cherub face that was in stark contrast to her personality – to put it bluntly, she's a fucking bitch who enjoys watching people suffer. Her smile was sickly sweet and unkind all at the same time. She clearly never did forgive me for dumping her right before prom.
"Edward its so good to see you," she cooed, leaning forward and kissing my cheek. I felt Bella's muscles tighten.
"I thought you went to Italy," I said casually, taking a step back when she stayed close.
"We did, but we're back now," she replied, gesturing to her twin brother, Alec.
Alec was as much a prick as Jane was a bitch and I suddenly wanted to get out of there, fast. "It was very eye-opening."
"I'm sure it was." She introduced herself and her brother to Bella with that same sweet smile on her face that I wanted to wipe off with my fist.
"I'm Bella," I heard her say shyly, peeking out from behind my shoulder.
"Bella… you're new around here, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"I can tell."
"You can?"
"Oh yes, you see… Edward has pretty much fucked his way through all of Forks, and it makes sense that he would jump on the fresh meat as soon as he could."
"Excuse me?"
"God Jane, just get over it," I muttered, rolling my eyes and guiding Bella away by her waist. She kept looking over her shoulder at Jane curiously.
"You'd better get tested, girlie! You don't know what diseases he's carrying!" she called. I turned on my heel and marched right back up to her. She stopped her snide laughter immediately, looking a little frightened. Bella tottered after me, looking alarmed as she tugged on my arm.
"Let's go, Edward," she urged.
"Hang on a minute," I mumbled. "Jane, you seem to have a bit of a problem with me."
"Damn right I do, asshole."
"Hey!" Bella had her hands on her hips now, looking adorably grumpy. "Don't call him that!"
"Or what? You'll set your pixies on me? You pose no threat to me, or anyone else little girl so don't try to act all tough."
"Don't take your shit out on her," I spat. She ignored me and kept firing her malice at Bella.
"You just wait. Once he fucks you he'll be out of there. No matter if its just before Christmas. He doesn't care about things like that. He doesn't care about anyone but himself."
"He cares about me," she countered.
"Bella, don't," I warned. Jane and Alec were both laughing now. They were textbook bullies – something Bella didn't handle very well. She either let people walk all over her or she attacked them. Either way, I didn't see this ending well. "Let's go, come on."
"He doesn't love you, no matter what he says. He says he does, then he just takes everything away. And he doesn't even care. Because once he's gotten what he wants from you, it's all over."
Bella stopped dead in her tracks. I could tell that Jane's words were echoing around in her head, mocking her. I had done just that to her. I had told her I loved her, promised her things that were never going to come to pass because I had taken it all away. Jane had hit her in the most sensitive spot she had right now.
"And why do you think he'd stick around with a girl like you, anyway?" she added, just twisting the knife.
I couldn't hold Bella back as her face twisted with rage. She flew over to Jane and took her by the throat, pinning her against a column. People started to take notice of the scene as I rushed to them. Bella was growling more fiercely than I'd ever heard before.
"A girl like me?" she sneered as Jane gasped for breath. "You have no idea what kind of girl I am. You have no idea what I'm capable of. And you have no idea about Edward and me so just shut up, you stupid little-"
"Bella!" Charlie pried her off Jane as Emmett held Alec back. "What in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Security had arrived by then and Jacob held his hands up.
"We're leaving, we're leaving," he told them defensively, shooting a hate-filled glance at Jane before leading the group to the exit. People were staring, pointing and murmuring. Bella just followed us, her head hung, breathing slowly in and out as if to calm herself.
***
"Can you tell me what in the hell that was all about just then?" Charlie bellowed once we were in the car, heading back home.
"I don't wanna talk about it," Bella mumbled, burying her head in the new teddy bear Emmett had bought for her. Charlie wrenched it out of her hands.
"You are going to tell me, Isabella."
"It's Bella!"
"What. Happened?"
Bella huffed, crossing her arms and looking out the window. I had never seen her this stubborn before and the only conclusion I could come to was that she was perhaps going through the adolescent stage in her accelerated yet stunted life.
"Young woman if you don't answer me right now…" Charlie threatened from the front seat. She turned her heated stare on him.
"What? What will you do? You said it yourself, I'm built to kill. I can kill you if you hurt me," she shot back. Emmett pulled over suddenly and faced her angrily.
"What has gotten into you?" he asked.
"Nothing!"
"Really?"
"Yeah, really," she responded, glaring at him now. She was in the foulest of foul moods, and even I didn't understand it this time.
"Well I'm taking my teddy bear back," he mumbled, restarting the engine. "Because people who threaten to kill other people don't deserve any teddy bears."
"That's not fair!" she protested, looking to Jake for support but only finding disappointment. "What so people can treat me any way they want and as soon as I say one thing wrong everyone is really mad?" she asked, looking around. None of us would look at her even though her words must have struck a chord somewhere. "That is so not my friend," she added in a grumble.
When we got home, Bella announced loudly that she hated Christmas and that everyone was no longer her friend before stomping upstairs. At the stop of the stairwell she paused to look down at everyone – we were all staring up at her confused by her moodiness.
"And that Jane girl is the meanest person in the entire world and I hate you Edward Cullen!" she added before turning on her heel and marching to her room, slamming the door behind her.
"Well," Jacob chuckled. "That was one hell of a tantrum. Guess she's the jealous-type."
***
It really wasn't funny, so I didn't know why everyone was so amused by it. I mean, there were important issues at hand like the fact that Bella had attacked someone in plain pubic view… but then again, copious amounts of egg nog had been consumed so that would probably explain their lack of concern. I downed my fourth glass and let sweet intoxication wash over me.
"Maybe we should take Bella some of this. Loosen her up," Jasper joked, gesturing to the pitcher of eggnog that had just been replenished by Emmett. The Swans and Esme had already crashed out, weaklings that they were. Alice was well on her way because she was a fucking lightweight but she was battling the sleep fiercely even though she knew she would eventually lose. Jacob and Leah were sitting by the fire pretending that they knew what they were doing in a game of chess.
"Oh god remember when Emmett fed her vodka?" Rosalie giggled, leaning against his legs. He played tenderly with her hair as we laughed at the memory. It has been pretty funny to watch her waltz around happily.
"She chucked four times that night," I contributed, earning a playful scowl from Jasper.
"You said you'd get me!"
"Yeah it was necessary that you be the one to hold her hair back," I shot, throwing a cushion at him and rolling my eyes.
"She's awesome," Emmett grinned. "Edward, go cheer her up!" he demanded, slamming a fist on the coffee table and spilling some of his drink. He looked at it forlornly and Rosalie warned him not to lick it up, recognising the longing expression on his face.
"Why do I have to?" I whined, pouring myself another glass and downing it in one.
"Because its your ex that upset her and its your fault her your exes upset."
"It is not my fault that she feels this way about me. I didn't tell her to and I didn't want her to in the first place but the thing is that she does and that therefore makes me responsible for her feelings," I argued in full circle, confusing myself by agreeing with Emmett in the end. I stood with two glasses and made my way upstairs, hoping to apologise and give her noggy goodness. Noggy goodness makes everything better. Halfway up the stairs, I turned back and grabbed the entire pitcher. I took it up and tapped on her door with my foot.
"Go away. I hate you," was Bella's pleasant greeting to me. She's a real charmer sometimes. I held up the pitcher and glasses to her.
"You can't hate the bringer of eggnog. It's a rule," I informed her, ignoring her scowl and plopping down next her o the bed.
"What's eggnog?" she asked, eyeing the pitcher as thought I'd put drugs in there. If I wanted to bang her, I wouldn't need any damn drugs – she'd just let me do it. I didn't understand her suspicion.
"An awesome drink of total awesomeness," I replied, twisting her own description of me. She quirked an eyebrow at me. Fucking adorable little bitch – I shouldn't have taught her how to do that.
"I'm not allowed to have silly drinks, remember?" she reminded me. her body was only seventeen, even though she wasn't one yet or… something. What-the-fuck-ever. The law considered her not yet eighteen so she couldn't technically drink for another six months or so.
"You've had one before," I shrugged, pouring her a glass and offering it to her. She took it but didn't drink – she just kept staring at me. "What?"
"You're drunk," she accused, narrowing her eyes. It was really cute. I told her so. "Thanks but I'm not having this stuff. I didn't like it last time I had silly drinks and I'm still mad at you," she pouted, crossing her arms and looking away from me. I groaned and took her drink, placing it next to the pitched on the bedside table. I noticed that she'd recently added a photo to her collection.
There were photos all around the room of our family and Jacob, but the one that she'd had of Carlisle had been replaced. In a little heart-shaped frame was a picture of the two of us. We were at the piano and our heads were resting against each others as I played for her. I absently picked it up and studied it more closely. Bella noticed and scooted over to look at it with me.
"That's my favourite picture ever," she stated, running a finger over my two-dimensional duplicate. I realised that I was kissing her had in the photo and both our eyes were closed blissfully. It was a perfect representation of the peace and happiness our love brought each of us.
"You look beautiful," I said without thinking. She really did, though. In that photo, there was no complication – she as simply a beautiful, happy girl who was in love with a boy playing piano for her. No IVG, no weird baby stuff. Just us.
"Will you play something for me?" she asked, tracing my shape some more. I could see that longing in her eyes that told me that she missed our happily ignorant existence before all of this happened. The adoration in her eyes didn't fade when she tore her eyes from the picture. She looked right into me with those huge eyes of hers and it may or may not have been the rum in my blood but I saw a kind of beauty in her that I'd never seen before.
Sitting there on the bed with her and her expression, I saw a girl who was more grown up than I gave her credit for. She wanted to be with me and I could tell that she wanted to kiss me and I could tell that she wanted to drag me downstairs and make me play her music all night but while I child would demand and pout and stomp their feet, Bella simply waited for my answer without saying all of the things she probably wanted to say in that moment. So I took her downstairs with me, making her hold the pitcher. I lead her into the living room and sat her next to Emmett, who was the only one who hadn't passed out. I took the liberty of waking Jasper and thrusting my guitar into his arms while informing Emmett that he was in charge of percussion.
"What are we playing?" Jasper asked, yawning as he tuned up sloppily.
"Let's do Iron Man!" Emmett suggested enthusiastically, banging the coffee table with his chopsticks and somehow managing to fall over even though he was sitting down. "I. AM. IRON MAN! DUHNUHNUHNUHNUHNUHNUH DUH NUH NUH!"
"We're not doing Iron Man!" I exclaimed, dropping my music book. I stared at it for a long while, willing it to come to me… I really couldn't be bothered getting it.
"You're all drunk! I am so not touching that nog stuff…" Bella said, shaking her head with strong conviction. I smirked at Emmett, who smirked back. We both knew he was going to make her drink a 'non-alcoholic' glass by the end of the night.
But the music book was still on the ground and Jasper was done tuning. I needed it!
Bella came to the rescue, shuffling over and propping it up on the stand for me. She took her place next to me on the stool and began flipping through the book curiously. I gently halted her movements and assured her that I knew what I was looking for when I took the book back into my hands.
"You can't look, go back to Emmett."
"But I always sit with you!" she protested, her bottom lip sticking out as she pouted at me. I bopped it with my index finger.
"Go sit with Emmett."
"Fine," she sighed and obediently took her place.
I started to play her song – the song that Alice played all the time that we all knew and that reminded me of Bella so much it made me want to sing along. I knew she loved it so tonight would be the first time I would sing along to that song. I would sing it for her – because that's what sappy drunken assholes do. They sing for the girls they love.
As the opening chords rang out, Bella's face lit up. She already knew what I was playing for her. But she didn't expect it when I opened my mouth and began to sing the words.
"You're a falling star, you're the getaway car, you're the line in the sand when I go too far. You're the swimming pool, on an August day. And you're the perfect thing to say…"
I thought about the words and how true they rang for us as she swayed along, bopping net to Emmett who was tapping a little beat with the chopsticks as Jasper played the guitar along with my piano. It didn't sound awesome because we were all drunk off our asses but she seemed to love it anyway, and that's all that mattered. I took a deep breath and kept going, getting more into the song, my eyes shutting as memories of us flitted into my consciousness.
"And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute! When you smile at me you know exactly what you do. Baby don't pretend that you don't know it's true. Cause you can see it when I look at you."
I looked at her then, and she was gazing up at me with adoration, mouthing along with the words.
"And in this crazy life. And through these crazy times, it's you, it's you. You make me sing. You're every line. You're every word. You're everything."
Emmett gave up the percussion and swept Bella off the floor, dancing with her. She didn't take her eyes off me, and I smiled at her, trying to show her how much I loved her and hoping and praying that she would never forget – that she would never let herself believe that I didn't love her, even if I said so. I needed her to be the strong one, because I wasn't strong enough to stay true to my feelings all the time – I had figured that out only recently, and if she couldn't be the one to bring me back to the reality of us then we'd lose each other.
And I couldn't lose my everything.
"You're a carousel. You're a wishing well. And you light me up, when you ring my bell. You're a mystery, you're from outer space. You're every minute of my every day."
"Sing it, brother!" Emmett chimed, dipping Bella.
"And I can't believe that I'm your man! And I get to kiss you, baby, just because I can! Whatever comes our way, oh we'll see it through. And you know that's what our love can do."
I kept singing even though Swans had padded out to see what all the noise was about I moved away from the piano – leaving Jasper to the guitar – and took her into my own arms as I continued to serenade her. She giggled as I lead her, twirling and dipping and dancing badly but with a joyousness that I hadn't felt in a while.
"You're every song. And I sing along. Cause you're my everything."
I ended the song holding her close. She practically vibrated with happiness and threw her arms around my neck, hopping up on her tiptoes to crush her lips to mine. I wound my arms around her waist, pulling her closer. Emmett made disgusting noises behind us and I'm guessing Jasper was just too shocked or too drunk to say or do anything.
But Renee wasn't.
The bitch ripped her away from me, eliciting a growl out of the once-bubbly-again Bella.
"Don't you growl at me, young lady!" Renee snapped.
"Easy Renee," Charlie chided. "You wonder where Bella gets her temper from."
"Don't touch me," Bella warned, looking slightly dangerous. I took her hand, knowing my touch would calm her.
"Don't you touch her," Renee warned in the same tone as her daughter. The air crackled with both of their tempers flaring – the electricity of two women defending people they cared fiercely about. I stepped back obediently, only to have Bella step back with me and take my hand once more.
"He can touch me all he wants," she said; her words only adding sparks to their bad energy.
"I just said I don't want him touching you. He's not to touch you."
"Why do you get to choose who touches me?" Bella asked, the beginnings of another growl resonating in her chest. I rubbed her hand gently with my thumb, trying to smother her anger with my affection.
"Because you're mine," Renee stated simply, as though that were the end of the matter. I don't know why she thought Bella would just accept that – until the Swans came along she was raised to believe she was her own person. Anyone who told her different were painted as brutal abusers – which they were, of course – so there was no way she would just accept that someone else was in charge of making choices for her.
"I'm not yours. I'm Edward's Bella. He found me, he named me. I'm Edward's," she argued.
"I am way too drunk for this…" Emmett mumbled, plopping down next to Rosalie and Alice's sleeping forms. They must have been really drunk to sleep through all of this crap.
"Wrong!" Renee laughed. "You are mine and Charlie's. We ordered you. We made you. We paid for you. And now we get to keep you. And we can make you believe Edward never even existed, so watch yourself," she sneered. Bella flinched at her words, holding my hand tighter. Renee turned and marched upstairs. As she did, Bella bent low into a crouch. I knew that position and damned if I was going to stop her from pouncing the evil bitch.
"Don't do it, Bells," Charlie warned, looking more concerned than menacing. He came closer once Renee was up the stairs and looked Bella square in the eyes. "I'm gonna talk to her about all of this okay? She's still a little buzzed and when she's not the nicest person in the world when she's been drinking," he explained with a sad smile. "She's still getting used to you, kid," he assured her. I liked Charlie. "I promise you that when you live with us, you can call and visit Edward all you like. I might even let him take you on a date when you're a bit older," he winked at the both of us. I was gonna hold the fucker to that. I definitely liked him. "But for now, don't let your mom get to ya."
He ruffled her hair and walked out, waving goodnight to the rest of us. Emmett sighed with relief when they were gone.
"Thank fuck that's over!" Jasper cried, plucking random notes on my guitar. I looked down at Bella and asked if she was okay.
"I would like… some nog," she nodded, taking the pitcher and drinking straight out of it.
"Chug! Chug! Chug!" Emmett chanted, laughing giddily as she took several large gulps of the stuff. She shuddered after, making the same post-alcohol face as she'd done the first time. "More singing!" Emmett demanded, not waiting before bursting into Eye of the Tiger. Jasper tried to keep up on the guitar, but gave up after a few seconds, opting to just sing the music instead.
The night carried on with the four of us singing every movie theme song we could think of. Bella's giggles were out of control while we attempted to remember the Superman theme and getting mixed up with Indiana Jones or Star Wars every time.
"Hey, what's the theme song from Leeloo?" Bella asked, slurring her words adorably.
"It's called The Fifth Element, Isabella," Emmett corrected a little harshly. Bella glared at him.
"Don't make me angry," she warned.
"You wouldn't like her when she's angry," I teased, cocking an eyebrow.
"BELLA POUNCE!" she cried in a rather weak impression of The Hulk before pouncing onto me with a giggle. "What's the theme song from The Hulk?"
"It doesn't have one."
"Every movie has one!"
"Well the one from The Hulk is so crappy that no one remembers it," I answered, feeling rather confident when Emmett nodded in agreement.
"I know one! I know one! Guess the movie this one is from!" Bella chirped, sitting up in my lap and facing the others, taking a deep breath ready to sing as I slipped my arms around her and rested my lips on the back of her shoulder. "Baby look at meee!"
"It's Fame!" Emmett answered immediately. Bella frowned.
"You're too good at this game – "
"It's not my friend," we chorused, already knowing what she was going to say.
"Yes!" Bella laughed, clapping her hands gleefully. "I made my own slang!"
***
BPOV
I had never felt like this before. When Esme had told me about heaven and hell I thought I had understood what she meant. Until now. I had to be in heaven. There was no other explanation for all of these wonderful, warm, tingling, fantastic, delicious feelings.
Edward's kisses were everywhere. I mean everywhere. And it felt good.
He dragged his lips up my stomach and chest to my mouth. We kissed slowly and lazily, but things weren't calming down – they were only getting better. I could feel the calluses on his fingers as his hands began running all over me. His teeth were grazing my neck, showing me a whole new side to biting. A side that I really liked. I could see our clothes all over the room and the door wasn't locked but I didn't care. I wasn't going to let anything stop me from feeling like this.
He laid me down and as he hovered above me I knew what was going to happen. He leaned down and kissed me once, softly and tenderly. He told me he loved me and I could feel his hand gently nudging the inside of my thigh so he could settle between my legs…
"Bella?"
I woke with a start and grabbed the sheet straight away. I needed to cover myself!
Or did I?
I looked down, confused at my fully dressed form, and then over to Edward.
"What were you dreaming about?" he asked, smirking. He looked very amused. I wasn't.
"I wasn't dreaming," I lied. He could tell because I suck at lying. I blushed.
"Now you have to tell me because you've never been that red in your entire life," he laughed, pulling me close. His finger grazed my breast accidentally and my breath hitched as it sent a jolt of heat through me.
"Did you stay with me last night?" I asked.
"No, you stayed with me. We're in my room," he replied, rolling his eyes. "You're avoiding my question."
"You're gonna get in trouble."
"You're leaving in three days, I really don't care how much trouble I get in. I don't want to throw away any time with you," he reasoned, kissing my lips. My mind took me back to the dream and it made me pull away quickly. I leapt out of bed and checked myself again for clothes. They were definitely still there.
"Dreams suck!" I muttered, tying my hair back and sitting back down on the bed. Edward slid over and fixed my hair, pressing little kisses to my shoulder. It made me feel all funny. I stood back up. "Don't do that," I pleaded.
"Why not?" Edward asked, looking a little bit hurt.
"It makes me feel weird."
"Good weird or bad weird?"
I hesitated before answering honestly. It was definitely a good weird. But that didn't mean I wanted him doing it!
"Okay, come here," he chuckled, waving me over. I raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm not gonna do anything," he promised. I went over and sat with him and he hugged me tight. "I promise not to do anything that makes you feel weird."
"Thank you."
"But I gotta tell you… it's really fucking funny that you feel like that. Because now I know what you were dreaming."
My eyes widened. He couldn't know!
"No you don't!" I said quickly, turning red again.
"Oh yes I do," he laughed. "Little Bella is having sex d-"
"No I'm not having sex dreams!" I denied, feeling my face growing hotter.
"Sorry, you're right. You're not having sex dreams."
"Thank you," I sighed.
"You only had one sex dream," he amended, laughing harder as my expression went from relief to horrific embarrassment in a split second. "Relax, Bella."
"Its embarrassing," I mumbled, burying my head into his shoulder. He pressed his nose into my hair and breathed in deeply, rubbing my back.
"Everyone has them. It just means you're growing up," he promised.
Ever since that night with the eggnog, Edward had been letting me be close to him. He was happier with me, kissing me and cuddling me every chance he could. It was perfect. It was as though he'd decided to turn everything around on its head but in the best way possible. Instead of him holding me at a distance because I was leaving, he was keeping me closer than ever. He told me how much he loved me several times every day and I showed him how much I loved him in every way I could. I didn't want to leave, but Charlie said he was even thinking of letting Edward come with us for a little while, so there might not even be a need for us to say goodbye in the end. And even if I didn't live here anymore, I was promised that I could call every day. And I could visit on special occasions.
"I want to stay with you," I whispered, squeezing him tight. I felt him smile against my skin.
"I might still be able to come to Phoenix until you move back, remember?" he reminded me, pulling back to look me in the eyes. "Don't even worry about it. Even if you have to go without me, you'll be back really soon. Sooner than when I was at school. We made it through that."
"You're weird when you're being happy."
"You're weird when you have sex dreams," he replied, winking. I pushed him away and growled playfully. He was the only one that let me growl anymore. Something about social skills.
"I love you," he chuckled, pulling a shirt on and ignoring my fake anger. He scooped me up and threw me over his shoulder, taking us down to breakfast.
"I love you too, butthead!" I giggled, trying to pants him from my upside-down position.
I had my Edward back.
Things couldn't get any better.
This is not where I wanted to end this chapter originally. I wanted it to end somewhere else but I kept getting idea after idea after idea so it's had to end here. So rest assured I have plenty of inspiration for next chapter.
I am separating Bella and Edward, sorry, but it WILL NOT be a permanent separation. I could never do that to them! Or to you all! Or to myself! Edward and Bella NEED to be together, so they will be!