HELLO EVERYONE!
I'm back and I would like to apologise for keeping you all waiting so long! This time I did it on purpose because I wanted to post this chapter to coincide with a very special event!
I'd like you all to wish my Edward a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Yes, our awesome man of total awesomeness is celebrating his birthday today! Feel free to send me copious amounts of gummi bears in his honour ;)
Also I would like to wish Larin20, author of Treading Water, Happy Birthday as well! Have a great day, BB!
So without further ado, here is the chapter!
"You can't just decide – "
"Yes I can!"
"No – "
"Yes I can, you butthead!"
A handful of yellow gummi bears hit my face. I scowled at the launcher of said gummi bears and retaliated by launching red ones. Bella looked shocked and offended, her eyebrows furrowed together in an expression of betrayal.
"How could you?" she gasped dramatically, holding her heart and gazing sorrowfully down at the fallen gummis. I patted her head, playfully patronizing her.
"We'll hold a funeral."
"Will you deliver the eulogy?"
"Of course! I'll cry and everything."
"Well... you're nearly forgiven," she smirked, leaning back against the tree. Ahead of us, Jason was directing his actors and the film crew were bustling about.
"What can I do to make sure I'm entirely forgiven?" I asked, pulling her closer. She took my hand and rested her head on my shoulder.
"I'll get back to you on that one."
"I still say you can't just decide one day that you're no longer a fan of the clear ones," I said, bringing up our previous conversation.
"I can decide whatever I want, and I've decided that I'm now eating solely the yellow, red and orange ones," Bella retorted with a decisive nod.
"Ridiculous. The clear ones are delicious," I argued, shaking my head.
"I disagree."
"You're not allowed to disagree with me, you know."
"What was that? You're not forgiven for killing my gummi deliciousness?" she joked, pretending not to hear me. I chuckled, pressing a kiss to her hair. I had missed this light-hearted playfulness. I had been with other girls since Bella left – something I was just beginning to feel the full weight of regret over – but none of them had been able to provide the environment of peace and happiness that Bella brought with her. She was the most calming and grounding person in my life.
"And how do I gain forgiveness for the sacrifice of the holy red gummis?" I asked with a smirk, twisting my body to face her at the exact moment that she pulled back to look at me properly. My smirk was met with a playful grin and Bella raised her finger to tap twice on her cheek. I very willingly obliged to her silent request, leaning over and pressing my lips to her skin. I kept them there longer than normal before dragging them down across her jaw-line and over to her ear, relishing in the sound of her breath being drawn sharply in response to my kiss.
"Okay, you're forgiven," she breathed. "You don't have to... do that."
"What am I doing?" I asked, playing innocent and leaning back against the tree. I motioned for her to sit back against me and she did, wrapping my arms around her and turning her head slightly to kiss my arm. She didn't answer my question, we just kept watching the film being made and Bella occasionally had to get up and help the crew or actors. It was fun to see her in an environment where she really was just a normal girl, doing normal things. When we were on our own, her quirky older side came out – the side that I remembered – but here she was Bella Swan. It was hard to believe that my fears had come true – she had left and forgotten all about me, just like I'd thought she would when Renee and Charlie came into her life – but we were still surviving. In fact, we had more potential now than we ever did before. I loved it and cursed it all at the same time.
"This place is gorgeous," she sighed, looking around the meadow we were sitting on the edge of. "I'll have to thank Alice for showing Jason the way."
"Edward showed me," Jason called, not giving me the opportunity to say it myself.
"Really?" she asked, looking surprised.
"Why does that surprise you?"
"You just don't strike me as the kind of guy who hangs out in meadows."
"I don't hang out in meadows," I laughed, rubbing up and down her sides, memorizing every dip and curve of her body and how it felt underneath my hands. She'd gotten curvier in the last four years. Not fatter or anything, just curvier... more filled out. "This is just one meadow that I happened to find when I was hiking one day."
"Do you hike a lot?" she asked, waving goodbye to the crew as the filed past to take a break from their hard day's work.
"No," I admitted, lacing my fingers with hers. "I used to, a couple of years ago. But I don't really hike anymore."
"Why not?"
"Well I never really liked hiking in the first place. I only did it to get away from stuff. I was going through a hard time after I got out of hospital."
"You were in hospital?"
Natalie and Chrissy approached, no doubt wanting Bella to go back with them.
"After I got shot I was in hospital for a little while," I reminded her. She cringed and squeezed my hands. I wondered why it had that kind of effect on her – hearing about my being shot – but I didn't get the chance to ask.
"You were shot?" Natalie queried, sitting opposite us. She looked me critically up and down, probably wondering what kind of guy Bella was hanging out with. I mean, it doesn't really bode well when your best friend's new love interest has been shot before.
"Four years ago," I nodded.
"Someone was trying to hurt his sister," Bella explained, eager for Natalie to understand that I wasn't some wild gang member or drug lord or something equally dangerous. But I needed her to get that sister thing out of her head.
"She wasn't my sister," I said quickly. "She was just living with us. She was my best friend," I amended, hoping this didn't blow up in my face when the truth eventually came out like I knew it would. The truth always comes out one way or another. It's why I hated having to lie to her – it seemed so pointless to delay the inevitable.
"Bella's dad was shot four years ago, wasn't he Bella?" Chrissy pointed out. Bella nodded. "Weird," Chrissy muttered, shaking her head. My jaw tightened and I held onto Bella tighter, knowing that it wasn't just a weird coincidence – knowing that we were both shot by the same person on the same day. How long before she remembered that she was there and saw the whole thing?
"Are you coming back with us?" Natalie asked, standing and brushing herself off. "We're all starving. Esme said she was gonna order some Chinese for everyone. She's so lovely," she smiled. Getting to know her was one of the best things I could have ever done – she was definitely beginning to trust me, and I was beginning to understand that even if Bella was taken from me again she would be safe and loved with her friends. Thanks to Natalie, Chrissy and the others, I was beginning to feel like everything was going to be okay – no matter what the outcome. As long as Bella had us, she would be safe and happy and healthy.
"I'd like to talk to Bella alone for a moment, if that's okay," I told her, slipping my hand into my pocket and fingering the gift I had waiting for her. "We shouldn't be too long."
"Is that what they're calling it these days?"Chrissy teased with a wink. Natalie slapped her playfully and they left us alone, Bella swivelling around and facing me. I frowned and pulled her back against me, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her cheek from behind.
"I've been thinking about something," I began, speaking in her ear. I felt her sigh lazily – she was limp against me, her fingers moving languidly up and down my arms. "I feel like I've known you forever... and I missed your birthday. I never bought you a gift or even said Happy Birthday or anything."
"We only met on my birthday," she smiled, laughing slightly.
"True. But seeing as I feel like I've known you forever..." I trailed off, shrugging. "What kind of boyfriend would I be if I never gave you a gift for your birthday?" I asked, brushing my thumbs against the small span of skin exposed between her jeans and shirt. She was so smooth – perfect.
"Boyfriend?" she echoed softly. "I like the sound of that." It was the first time either of us had acknowledged our relationship out loud. It sounded good to me as well.
"So I was thinking after our conversation the other day that I should get you something."
"Is that where you disappeared to yesterday?" she asked. I knew she'd never bought my story about being at the bar cleaning all day. And knowing her, she'd probably stopped by just to see me to find the bar empty. It said a lot about her trust in me that she'd never brought it up until now.
"Yeah, I needed to do a lot of searching to find something perfect."
"You shouldn't have done that," she grinned, tilting her head back and kissing my chin.
"But I wanted to, so... now you have to guess what I got you."
"It has something to do with our conversation the other day?"
"Yes."
BPOV
The sky was bright blue and unusually clear for Forks. The film crew couldn't work because the weather was so perfect. Everyone had gone to Port Angeles to look around but I'd stayed behind at the inn to spend time with Edward.
We were at the beach again, lying on our towels, which were closer on this day than they'd been the first time we'd gone to the beach. Edward was on his back, shirt off and arms behind his head. I was on my side, propped up on my elbow, tracing his butterfly tattoo lightly with my fingers.
"What's your favourite colour?" Edward asked suddenly. I looked up to find one of his eyes open, the other still clamped shut. His hand was shading his eyes.
"I don't have one," I shrugged. "What's yours?"
"Blue," he said simply, shutting his eyes again and settling back down properly on his towel.
"What's your star sign?"
"Capricorn. And you're a Cancer."
"That's not a very nice thing to say," I joked, prodding him in the side. He grinned, his eyes still closed. "Yes, I'm a Cancer."
"What's your favourite animal?" he asked, blindly reaching out for me. I scooted closer and laid beside him, my head resting perfectly in the dip of his chest, my arm across his stomach. He pressed his lips to my hair, waiting for my answer.
"Butterflies are my favourite."
"Why?"
"Because they're beautiful and delicate, but they're strong enough to carry their own weight when they fly. No one ever wants to hurt butterflies. I don't know a single person in the world who doesn't like butterflies. And they're associated with romance and innocence... butterflies are just amazing," I explained, making a butterfly with my hands and flying it above us.
"I love the way you think," Edward sighed. I wanted to see his face, so I rolled over onto his chest. Supporting myself on my arms, my hair fell over our faces, surrounding us with a brown and red curtain of spirals.
"Your turn. Favourite animal."
"There's this really unique species of bird, actually," he smirked. I didn't know what he was getting at. I raised my eyebrow at him, gesturing for him to go on. "It's called the Bella Swan."
"Oh shut up."
"Was that the sappiest thing you've ever heard?"
"Yes. You're pathetic."
He chuckled and pulled my face down for a kiss. I don't know how long we stayed like that, but by the end of it, my lips were red and swollen. Edward's hair was even messier than usual and I swept it back from his forehead. He kissed me again gently before beginning our questioning session again.
"You never told me your favourite colour."
"I said I don't have one," I shrugged.
"Well you can pick more than one." I considered my choices, rolling off Edward and ignoring his little whine of protest and looking around me. There were so many colours! How could I even pick just a handful? But then I thought about the things in life that meant the most to me, and the choices were easy.
"Green," I listed first and foremost – for Edward's emerald eyes and the way the greenery of Forks made me feel like I was home. "Blue," was next – for the peace that the sky and the sea brought, and because it just seemed to go hand in hand with green. "Pink," was thirdly – for the way Natalie doodled little pink hearts on all the notes she wrote to me. "Yellow," because of the time Jason showed up on my doorstep with bright yellow flowers when I was feeling down. "And purple," because of how beautiful Chrissy looked when the purple lights hit her the night we met.
"Green, blue, pink, yellow and purple," Edward recited, playing with my fingers.
***
Natalie's cell had gone off after that, and we'd gone back to the inn. This was the only conversation he could have been talking about, but unless he'd bought me a rainbow or a crab or a butterfly I had no idea what he could have gotten me. Not anything he could have had with him, anyway.
"Um, a cancerous rainbow butterfly?" I suggested, grinning and knowing it wasn't right.
"How did you guess?" Edward laughed, reaching into his pocket and lifting my hair. Something cold and light dropped onto my chest, but I didn't get the chance to look at it because Edward covered my eyes and kissed up and down the side of my neck. It certainly felt like he'd just fastened a necklace around my neck but... there was no way that's what it could be, right? I mean, we'd just met... he'd only just called himself my boyfriend. There was no way he would have bought me jewellery. "Tell me if you hate it," he whispered, uncovering my eyes. My eyes dropped and I gasped at the small silver butterfly resting just between my breasts. It was gorgeous, to say the very least, and the closer I looked at it the more I wondered how he could have found something so perfect.
The wings had two stones each set in the silver – blue, green, purple and pink respectively – and the body of the butterfly glittered with yellow stones. The chain glinted in the sunlight, delicately decorating my neck and collarbone.
"Edward..." I gasped, at a loss for words. How did he get such a perfect necklace? Why would he get such a perfect necklace?
"Its white gold," he murmured in my ear, reaching down and resting the butterfly pendant in his palm. "The stones are different coloured sapphires – it was hard to find. Do you like it?"
"It's amazing," I breathed, gazing down at it, unbelieving. White gold and precious stones? How could he afford this? Even if he could, why was he spending that kind of money on me? I couldn't accept such an extravagant gift from him. "But, Edward –"
"I want you to have it, Bella," he insisted before I could even protest properly. I sighed and turned to face him, the pendant falling from his hand as I moved. "I'm so glad you like it." His smile was too joyful to resist and I found myself smiling back at him and fingering my new piece of jewellery.
"I love it. It's so beautiful."
"It suits you," he smiled, brushing my hair back into a ponytail and fastening it with an elastic band he had around his wrist. He always had an elastic band around his wrist even though his hair was too short to tie back. It was all very convenient, but just one of the many things that was mysterious about him. I was about to ask him about it when Jasper came up behind us. I jumped, startled by his sudden appearance. I don't know why, but I always felt a little jumpy around him.
"Edward can I talk to you for a minute?" he requested breathlessly, panting from the trip to the meadow.
"Sure, let's just get back to the inn first. It's getting cold out," Edward replied, wrapping his jacket around my shoulders as we began the walk back.
***
EPOV
Jasper looked tense. I sped up my pace, happy that Bella was keeping up without any sign of struggle. Her soldier DNA came in handy sometimes, as much as I hated it. Whatever it was that was making him like this, I knew that it had something to do with Bella because he was practically jogging in his haste to get me alone.
Bella's friends were packing up their van for the next day's shooting when we arrived at the inn – a new car was there as well probably for another actor, which was just perfect because it meant I could slip inside while she was parading her gift around and she would barely even notice I was gone. I heard Nat squealing as I shut the door behind me.
"What's going on?"
"Get Bella out of here," he whispered frantically.
"Why?"
"Just trust me; you don't want her here tonight."
"Alright, we're going," I muttered, turning swiftly and marching outside again. Bella must have seen me out of the corner of her eye, because she turned and greeted me with a dazzling smile when I was only halfway to her. "Bella, I have an idea." I swept her up and spun her around, hiding my unease and letting myself become lost in her perfection.
"I like your ideas," she giggled, running her hands through my hair. The others brushed past us to get the dinner Esme was calling them in for.
"I say we have dinner at my place."
"But Esme just bought dinner for everyone," she frowned, glancing towards the inn, biting her lip.
"She won't mind. I'm sure Emmett will eat our share anyway," I tried, kissing her neck just the way she liked, trying to be as persuasive as possible. She shivered, and I rejoiced. She wouldn't be able to resist.
"Okay, Casanova... I'll come just let me tell the guys that I'm going," she chuckled, prying herself away from me, trembling gently.
"I'll tell them, you should get your helmet on," I suggested, starting for inside. She shook her head.
"I'll go."
"I'll go."
"We'll both go," she compromised. I didn't back down. I didn't want her going inside at all. Not for one little second.
"Just stay here, Bella... I'll take care of it for you," I pressed, arousing suspicion in her for the very first time.
"Why don't you-"
"Bella!" Chrissy called, barrelling down the stairs and straight over to us. "You'll never guess who's here!"
"Who?" Bella asked, not taking her eyes off me. She was putting the pieces together. Whoever was here was what I wanted to keep her away from. Why couldn't she put the pieces together when I wanted her to?
"Come inside and see!" Chrissy was practically bursting at the seams, and her excitement was contagious. Bella's frown dissolved into a toothy grin, her nose crinkling, and she took my hand and dragged me along while she dashed inside. My insides were burning, protesting and telling me to get her out. But when she turned back and I saw how happy she was, I promised myself that even though I couldn't get her out of here straight away I would protect her from whatever was waiting for us.
***
BPOV
It only took a glimpse of flame-red hair for me to know who was waiting for me at the dinner table.
"Victoria!" I squealed, throwing myself at her. She chuckled into my hair. "James!" I laughed, wrapping my arms around her partner. He patted my hair affectionately. I couldn't believe they were here!
"Hello Bella," James greeted, pulling a chair out for me. Edward sat beside me, staring into his lap. I wondered what was wrong and why he didn't want me to see these people, but decided it was a topic best left alone for the moment. James narrowed his blue eyes questioningly. He went to ask Edward something but Victoria pulled on his ponytail playfully and shook her finger.
"What are you guys doing here? This is such a surprise!"
"We couldn't let the week of your birthday go by without seeing you," Victoria explained, her voice smooth and sweet. She sounded like kittens and bubblegum.
"I'm so happy you came! Everyone, this is-"
"We've met," James interrupted my introduction with an easy smile. I knew they already knew most of my friends, but the Cullens as well? Strange...
"Really?" I didn't bother to conceal my surprise, turning to Edward. "Edward, you didn't tell me you knew James and Victoria."
"We only met once. Years ago," he mumbled.
"Edward is an orphan too, Bella," Victoria explained. "As are Alice and Emmett. We've liaised quite a bit with Carlisle in the past and of course Jasper was working for him."
"Carlisle was my husband," Esme told me, but I already knew that. Edward must have told me, I just couldn't remember when.
"So tell us, Bella. How was your birthday?" James asked, passing around the egg rolls.
"Yes, tell us everything. That necklace is just stunning," she pointed out. I blushed, looking down at it. I couldn't wait to tell them all about Edward, but it would have to wait for a more private moment. A moment when his entire family wasn't sitting right there.
"My birthday was great," I replied, only looking up to scrape some noodles onto my plate.
"How is your mom?"
"Renee's okay. Pissed that I came here, but otherwise she's fine," I confessed, laughing a little. Victoria and James chuckled beside me.
"You should have seen the fit Renee threw, James. You would have loved it," Jason grinned.
"Oh I bet she's gonna be a force to reckon with when you get home."
"Well you guys know more than anyone that she can't boss me around anymore," I justified, shrugging and shovelling some rice into my mouth. It was bothering me that the Cullens were so silent. They were normally chatty and lively – dinner took nearly an hour because of how much we all talked. "I didn't realise that you guys were from Phoenix," I said loudly, trying to get them to talk. The silence was starting to become deafening. I wanted to know how exactly they knew James and Victoria.
"We're not from Phoenix. I would have told you that," Edward promised me, looking worried and frightened. I slipped a hand underneath the table and squeezed his knee. He seemed relieved and laced his fingers with mine. I turned to James now, wondering if it were possible that they were the ones that had lied. Something wasn't adding up, but I believed Edward.
"I thought you said you only looked after the one state?"
"We do," James assured me, trying and failing to pick up a spear of baby corn with his chopsticks. I stared at him some more. That wasn't any kind of explanation!
"Bella you're from Washington, not Phoenix," Victoria admitted gently. That was news to me. I was always told that my home was in Arizona. It certainly explained why Renee didn't want me to come back here, and also explained why I'd felt the need to come despite her protests. Washington was my home.
"I was born here?"
"You were born in Seattle. Your first family was in Washington, too."
"The one with the father that-"
"They took good care of you, Bella," James interrupted, glancing around the table with a certain air of nervousness that I didn't understand.
"Renee didn't want me to find my family, did she?"
"No, sweetheart, she didn't."
"If I found them, would I even know it?" I asked. For some reason, James began to laugh. I didn't think it was very funny at all. I was sitting here coming to grips with an entirely new reality and the possibility of knowing where I came from. All I wanted to know was if I saw them, would I know that they were the people who first raised me. What could possibly be so funny about that?
"Bella your amnesia..." Victoria trailed off, not knowing how to answer my question. Disappointed, I pushed the last of my broccoli around my plate.
"Eat your broccoli, Bella," Esme chimed from across the table. I smiled embarrassedly and popped the last little floret into my mouth – she was always taking care of me in little ways like that. It kind of made me wonder if Renee had called her and instructed her to mother me as much as possible. But probably not – it just seemed like it was part of her nature to be that way.
"So do you know where we can find them?" Natalie piped up, her eyes sparkling with excitement. I looked over hopefully, my leg bouncing with anticipation. Thoughts of what it would be like to be hugged by my very first mother, brothers and sisters suddenly filled my mind. I warmed up inside thinking that maybe – just maybe – I'd be able to spend time with them and get to know what my life was like before the accident. I would introduce my current friends to my old friends. And Edward could come, too. We would be a huge family – present and past together making me finally complete. Every eye was trained on James and Victoria now. We all waited with bated breath, and I swear there was a collective disappointed sigh when Victoria began shaking her head.
"No, I'm afraid not, Bella. I'm sorry."
"Well could you find out? There must be a way," Chrissy insisted. She was looking over at me instead at Victoria, offering me a reassuring smile while I played with the rim of my glass. Edward rubbed the back of my hand gently with his thumb.
"I'm afraid there isn't any way," James reiterated. Emmett suddenly pushed away from the table and stormed away, causing me to jump out of my skin.
"You'll have to excuse us," Rosalie mumbled, swiftly following in his wake. Alice whispered something to Jasper, and Jasper nodded. Esme threw Edward a look that I couldn't read properly. All in all, the Cullens were having a completely silent conversation and the rest of us were being left in the dark. It was another one of those weird Forks moments. Natalie narrowed her eyes at the scene in front of us, the cogs in her head turning. We would have to have a talk about all of this later. Together, we could figure any mystery out. We were a couple of awesome ideas women, us two.
"I remember when you were little." James broke the silence, tilting his head and offering up a small smile. "You were such a stubborn little girl."
"Remember the time we tried to give her that needle?" Victoria mused; giggling at the memory only the two of them could share. It always bothered me when they did this. It never made me feel better. It only ever made me feel inadequate for all the things I couldn't remember and for all the things I was never able to have because I never knew my parents and there was no tangible way of knowing my past.
"She screamed so loud," James laughed. "She ran away," he went on, addressing the rest of the table. "Went into the woods, screaming the whole time."
"It's a wonder nobody called the authorities," Victoria added, affectionately playing with the ends of my hair.
"It's a wonder no one found her there in the woods." Alice's voice was pleasant, but I sensed something more behind it – an attitude of sorts that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Victoria shifted uncomfortably while James gave a non-committal grunt.
"Yeah, if I heard someone screaming in our forest, I'd go in and find her. Definitely," Edward agreed. "Who knows what could have happened to her," he continued, shifting his glance from them to me. I smiled at him as he stared meaningfully at me, his eyes begging for something, but I didn't know what.
The table had gone silent again. There was so much to say, but I had no idea where to begin. Questions flew around my head like fireflies lighting up every emotion you could imagine. Beside me, Edward was still and silent. He became my stronghold without even knowing it. With him by my side, even though I could sense his inner turmoil, I felt safe and calm. The fireflies settled and suddenly I was okay. He felt me staring and looked up, his beautiful face anguished.
"Remember that time Bella asked us what the turkey baster was?" Jason cracked up.
***
EPOV
Please remember, Bella.
Please remember me.
Please remember us.
Please remember them for what they are.
Beside me, Bella was animatedly sharing past experiences with her creators. I hoped that she was only further proving the point that she remembered absolutely nothing of her life with us, but James kept stealing glances at our entwined hands under that table. It made me think that no matter how much they heard and saw tonight, he would go back with something that could make him doubt that she had no memories whatsoever. But there wasn't a chance in hell that I would pull away from her – even if it was a risk to be near her – I wasn't going to make that mistake ever again.
So I kept silently begging her to remember, all the while praying that she would keep her mouth shut if she ever did. Knowing her, she would shout it from the rooftops and go all jungle-woman on James and Victoria. I would definitely pay to see that fight. And I would definitely bet on Bella winning. She could take them both down in an instant.
It was that thought that made me smile while Bella and I sat on the front porch, everyone else having filed back inside after saying goodbye to James and Victoria. She sighed audibly, but it wasn't a sad kind of sigh. I looked over at her and she was smiling serenely back at me.
"You're feeling better," she stated matter-of-factly. I smiled wider – her perception was so spot on exactly when I didn't need it to be.
"I'm not on the best terms with James in Victoria," I shrugged, trying to make it seem like it wasn't the huge fucking deal that it truly was. Her creators – the people responsible for the melange of tragedy and misadventure that defined Bella's life – had just been sitting in the place we made home for her. She had no idea how much of a huge fucking deal it was to her. Forget me. It should have been a huge moment for her.
"Were you a totally mischievous orphan?" she asked, a smile in her voice.
"I've definitely broken a few of their more precious rules," I hinted, not technically lying but not going into the entire truth of that particular statement, either.
"I can definitely see you tearing the place down like a bronze-haired Dennis the Menace."
"Mm... and I may or may not still have my slingshot."
She giggled then, those warming sounds making me feel safe again.
"Has anyone told you that you have the most adorable laugh ever?"
"Nat said once that she loves how my nose crinkles. I hate my laugh. I hate my smile," she frowned, fiddling with her new pedant. "It makes my eyes all squinty. And my teeth are gross."
"Your teeth are perfect," I argued, bumping her with my shoulder. "And your smile makes my entire day, that's how gorgeous it is. But I wasn't even talking about that," I went on quickly, before she could argue. "I was talking about your laugh. The way it sounds."
She waited for me to continue.
"If I could bottle it, I would. Just to hear it whenever I wanted. Forever. If I was in total despair... with nothing left to live for..." I trailed off, shaking my head. I sounded like an idiot and Bella was just sitting there frowning at me, trying to understand.
"There's always something to live for, Edward," she mumbled, completely missing the point. "Always. Don't ever think there's nothing left because if you think that then you're just looking at it all wrong."
I considered her for a moment, wondering if it was just her innocent naivety talking – the innocent naivety that I was so used to – but knowing that in the time we'd been apart she had grown and learned and experienced things. She had hinted on being involved with things that I didn't even want to think about her being involved in, and the thought that she might be speaking from any kind of experience made me sick to my stomach.
"I've been there, Bella," I whispered darkly, shutting my eyes and trying to block out the memories seeping to the surface. "Right to the very deepest pit of nothing."
I thought about those first days without her. The way her desperate shrieks rang in my ears every moment that I wasn't distracted by the intense pain of my injury. The way no one could look me in the eye for the longest time because my sunken, pallid appearance made them sick.
The way I pictured her smiling face waiting for me when I turned the doorknob after work and the way my heart broke every time I realised she wasn't there.
The way not even my favourite foods would cheer me up because I realised they were my favourite foods because she loved them too and now I couldn't share my meals with her.
The way I would double-take in the street whenever I thought I saw her, and didn't.
The way the light in my mother's eyes died out after Carlisle offed himself.
Knowing that it was all my fault.
It was like I was in hell but the heat and light from the fire would have been all too comforting; the tortured cries of the other damned souls too musical. So I was in the seventh circle of hell. It was an icy, dark and desolate pit and only my own actions had led me there. Knowing that it was my choices that had caused everything else to transpire was the worst part of it all.
But from that deep, dark and desolate pit came a ray of heavenly sunlight. A small brush of her thumb on the back of my hand. A gentle kiss on my cheek. Her fingers sweeping my hair back. She was the only one who could save me from myself and keep the nothingness away. The darkness didn't fade, it was completely obliterated by her light. The ice didn't just melt, it formed into the gentle bubbling stream that I could hear in her laugh. The desolation didn't merely disappear, it exploded into a thousand flitting butterflies being joyously chased by my only saving grace.
"Well then," she started, resting her head on my shoulder. "You'll know that it only takes one little thing to get you out again... and then you wonder why you didn't just look up and see the ladder in the first place."
I pulled back and stared at her, not believing that the wisest words I'd ever heard had come from Bella. But then again, even if she'd stayed the way I remembered she still probably would have ended up being the wisest person I ever knew. There was just something about the way she looked at the world, now as well as before, that was so different. I think I've said it before but if the entire world was crashing around her she'd stay still and calm, holding on to the people she loved as tightly as she could. And she would play games, trying to pick shapes in the flames like she loved to do with clouds.
"Sometimes it takes something a little bigger," I argued for the sake of it, eager to hear some more of her thoughts. She was, to this day, the most interesting person in my world.
"Bigger than what?"
"It took more than one little thing to pull me out. So your theory is shot down," I smirked. She poked me in the side and I chuckled, tightening my hold on her.
"I'm sure it was something small in the scheme of things. It just seems big to you because it pulled you out of such a deep, dark place. It's that whole Freudian male size thing," she bit back. "Men are more likely to assume that something powerful has to be big. It's actually the smallest things that make the biggest impact on our lives."
"Is that a fact?"
"Yes."
"Are you going to prove it?" I laughed when she didn't elaborate. We were both looking up at the stars and I could see her smiling beside me. Her hand slipped into mine and I twisted my head to kiss her temple.
"Okay think of your last few birthdays," she tried. "I bet the best gift you got was something small but totally perfect."
For any other guy, that would have been a totally reasonable assumption to make. Any other guy would have celebrated his last few birthdays like a normal person. But not me.
***
Three years earlier – January 9th
"Happy Birthday..."
I ignored Jacob as he slumped away, a ragged sigh escaping him before he could even get out the door.
I kept my eyes trained at the blue patch of sky making its way across the window – a rarity at this time of year. I suppose it was a reflection of my own circumstance – I was going to live, after all. I had been shot in the stomach and I was going to be 'just fine'.
I snorted loudly at the thought. I was never going to be fine. It had been just over a week since it all happened; since Bella had disappeared in a literal cloud of smoke. We'd had to bury Charlie. Carlisle, the traitor, was already out of hospital because Renee's bullet had barely grazed him. I still didn't know why the pussy had fallen to the ground like he was dead or, you know, shot in the fucking stomach or something equally painful.
Jacob hadn't been my only visitor. But he was the only one that I didn't pretend to be asleep for. He was the one who was making the most effort to find her, see. The others wanted to find her, but weren't as full-on with the searching as Jacob was – or as I would be if I wasn't stuck in the fucking hospital.
So Jacob didn't get the cold shoulder when he'd arrived. It wasn't until he told me that Renee's house in Phoenix had been sold as originally planned when they were moving back to Forks that my head had turned away from him. He'd hit a dead end. He didn't think there was much point in trying to find them – Renee didn't want to be found.
Fuck that.
Fuck them all.
I would find her myself.
Two years earlier – January 7th
The giant slab of cake in front of me looked amazing. Alice had gone to such a huge effort with it and I really was appreciative of her efforts but I just knew that if I were to try any of it, I would just puke it right back up.
I shovelled a spoonful in and chewed anyway, relishing in the way everyone else's face lit up when I appeared to be enjoying my birthday cake. It was good, I guess. But still, the puking...
I waited until they were distracted by Emmett and Jasper's attempts at detonating the 'Confetti Bomb of Awesomeness' before spitting it out and swapping my plate with an empty one. I even put some crumbs on the empty plate for effect.
It had taken me an entire year, but I had done a hell of a lot of sleuthing and I had found out that the latest home Renee had bought for her and her daughter had been sold. As a deceased estate.
Bella was gone.
My light, my life, my heart.
Gone.
I went to the tattoo parlour that night.
One year earlier – January 7th
"Are you sure?"
Esme's voice carried through the currently empty little house, her arms struggling under the moving box. I took it from her and carried it into the kitchen I would barely use.
"I can't live there anymore, mom," I told her for the millionth time. She sighed, nodding her understanding. I couldn't deny that I felt a little guilty – I was the only one left living with her after everything.
I cringed in remembrance of the previous year's events – it seemed like each year that Bella was gone, things just got worse and worse. There were times, of course, that it had started to look up. Like the day I found out that the house that was sold as a deceased estate had been sold as such because Renee's mother's name was on the deed. There was the slightest sliver of hope.
But then there was Carlisle. After being shot, he went mad looking for Cystemaco's headquarters and trying to locate James and Victoria. He was always turning up at our doorstep, his crazed mumblings becoming more and more frantic with each visit. It frightened Esme to see him that way, and she tried to rush the divorce proceedings so we could all move forward. He learned of Charlie's death and was admitted shortly after that.
So with Emmett and Rosalie married, and Jasper and Alice living together, it was just Esme and I at the old Cullen mansion.
And every nook, every space, every corner, every shadow... it all reminded me of Bella. I walked past her bedroom every night. On my way to breakfast I would pass the office and every time I did, I would look at my feet because I was still ashamed that things got as bad for her as they did in there. I didn't do enough to protect my Bella.
"I know you didn't want a gift but... I saw this while I was buying your groceries and, well..." Esme trailed off, holding something out to me. Her face was both wary and bashful. She was offering me a bag of gummi bears as a birthday gift. Instantly, my heart dropped into my stomach. I turned on my heel and walked away, ignoring her sincere apologies.
Current year – January 7th
"Hey, it's your birthday!" Kristen chirped, noticing the date on my driver's license. I snatched the card from her, shoving it back into my wallet with unnecessary force. "Don't be like that... I hardly know anything about you, Edward..."
We passed through the aisles of the grocery store, picking up whatever was needed and throwing into the shopping cart. She held my hand as we walked and I checked things off on the list.
"Candy... are you serious?" I asked, noting the next item and ignoring her subtle request.
"We eat candy," she justified, leading us to the right aisle.
"You eat candy," I corrected her in a mumble, rolling my eyes at her enthusiasm. Anyone watching might have thought the way she bounced over was cute. I didn't. I hated the way she bounced. It wasn't right. It wasn't genuine. She was trying to be cute and innocent and it just didn't work for her.
"It might help you feel better. These past few weeks have been rough," Kristen sighed.
"I have plenty of alcohol to deal with that, thanks," I informed her. She shook her head and wandered off. I knew she meant well, but I sure as hell wasn't going to feel better about my father's suicide a few weeks earlier because of some fucking candy. Carlisle had been the first man I could really trust, and the first man who had ever really betrayed me. I watched him go slowly insane with guilt and grief, then when the divorce was finally official...
"I haven't had these in so long!" she cried, thrusting a pack of gummi bears gleefully in my face. I caught her wrist before she could place it in the cart and I flung it onto the ground.
"We are not getting those," I growled.
"Jeez, throw a tantrum. All you have to say is that you don't like them," she muttered, not really fazed by my outburst. She continued to look for candy as I glared morosely at the bright packaging on the floor. It had torn open when I'd thrown it and gummi bears laid on the ground like slain soldiers. I hated each and every one of them. "Okay I'm done. Next is pasta."
We moved into the next aisle, where the pasta lived, and while Kristen perused the different sizes of spiral pasta something small and colourful caught my eye. I looked down at the floor and noticed two gummi bears that must have slid under the shelving. They appeared to be embracing. They were red and yellow.
I got my second tattoo as soon as we put the ice-cream away.
***
Present
"I don't really celebrate my birthday," I admitted in a low voice. Bella frowned.
"Is it, like... part of your religion or something?" she asked. I had to laugh at that, because it was so very like her to not even consider the fact that someone might not like their birthday.
"No, Bella... you weirdo," I chuckled, squeezing her hand a little tighter.
"Hey, I'm just trying to find your flaw here," she laughed in response. "You're the most perfect guy I've ever met... ever. So it would make sense for you to be part of some strange non-celebratory cult."
"I just don't like my birthday."
"Well... I wanna get you something for your birthday," Bella pressed and for the first time ever, I was kind of annoyed with her. There wasn't any chance in hell I would ever enjoy my birthday and I wished she would just drop it because I couldn't even explain it to her properly.
"I don't want anything, Bella. I really hate my birthday... besides, it was way back in January," I insisted, hoping I didn't sound too harsh. She didn't press the matter any further, but I could tell from her look that this was just other thing she was adding to her list of questions she never actually asked me.
***
BPOV
Things in Forks were getting stranger than ever.
Ever since James and Victoria had come to visit me there had been significant shifts in the behaviour of everyone around me. It felt like Edward and I were in a little bubble of happiness and content, just watching as everyone reeled around us. It was as though there was an invisible line separating my Phoenix friends from my new Forks friends. It wasn't a line that affected their relationships with each other, but it was enough for me to notice something distinct between the two groups. I hadn't been able to contact my mother since the visit, though she called a few times. She expressed her apologies for being so unreasonable, and encouraged me to have fun and take my time here in Forks. I remember the first time she told me that it might be a good idea to extend my stay – I had hung up the phone and stared at it in shock for a good minute before Natalie lost patience waiting to hear what she'd told me.
Jason, Nat and Chrissy had become determined to help me find my first family, but my contagious enthusiasm only extended to those from the Phoenix clan. I wouldn't say that the Forks crew were against me finding my family, but they weren't exactly being helpful about it and while my Phoenix friends seemed happier with the prospective meeting my Forks friends seemed hesitant and frankly a little frightened at the idea of me meeting them. It made me think that they knew more about this whole thing than they let on, but how could they possibly? And why would they keep anything from a girl that they barely knew?
"Why can't she just send your things?" Edward asked. He was behind me, arms around my waist as I chopped ingredients for the night's dinner. It was about time I helped Esme around with something – she was so accommodating. My friends and the film crew were taking up the entire inn – she'd had to turn away quite a few people – and I just knew she was letting us have the rooms for cheaper than she would have ever charged anyone else. Chrissy asked her why we were getting such a good deal one night, and she told her that she had 'just taken a shining to all of us'.
"And besides," she'd said, her cheeks rosy as she hung freshly washed sheets out on the line. "I like to support struggling artists... Jason has so much potential. And I heard that you're quite the singer," she added with an easy smile. Chrissy had fallen a little bit in love with Esme when she'd shown a genuine interest in her band, asking questions and making suggestions. She'd even requested that Chrissy send her a CD of their music 'whenever she had the chance'.
Right now, Edward was asking about my trip home. It was a sensitive subject to brooch with him, because neither of us wanted it to happen, but it needed talking about because I needed to leave in two days.
"I haven't been able to reach her, you know that. If she calls before I leave I'll ask her to send my stuff but other than that I don't really have another choice. I need to get my things so I can stay here longer," I shrugged, leaning back into him and scraping chopped zucchini into a bowl. He handed me a capsicum and kissed my ear.
"You have another choice," he purred, trying once again to convince me to let him buy new things. I was going home to retrieve my laptop and printer, more make-up, clothes, jewellery but most importantly I needed the laptop so I could print off and send out resumes to find a job. It was getting well past my birthday and I needed to start paying my own way. I'd had a job back home working in a toy store and had some money saved up but I would need much more than I had if I was going to stay here for the entire duration of the filmmaking process, which was the current plan. Besides, I needed to say a proper goodbye to my mom – we'd left on bad terms and I just wanted to hug her before I disappeared for another month or so.
"You're not buying me a laptop," I told him once more. He let me seed the capsicum without further argument, but I could tell he was formulating some other plot. In truth, I didn't mind. If he could find a way for me to be relatively self sufficient and not go home then I would be happy to do that. I didn't want to leave him.
As I began chopping, Edward picked up a piece and munched on it. I stilled and placed the knife on the chopping board, turning to face him. He looked down at me questioningly. I didn't particularly want or need to say anything; I just wanted to look at him for a little while. My hands found his belt loops and I didn't even need to tug on them this time – he just knew I wanted him closer. He held me there, his fingers playing in my hair, my arms wrapping around his waist.
"Don't go, Bella," he begged. It was a request that I'd heard a million times before, but this time his voice was thick with emotion – his eyes were full of worry and pleading. It made me stop and think about what he was really asking me to do. I had a feeling that it didn't matter if I had needed to go one day after we'd met or if I wanted to leave five years from now – he would still have begged with the same emotion that he was begging me with now. It scared me that I would have begged him like this as well. It scared me that I wanted to find a way to stay in this place forever, whether or not any of my Phoenix friends chose to stay with me. It scared me because Edward was entirely the reason why I didn't want to go. After a few weeks, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Edward Cullen.
"I don't want to go, Edward," I sighed, willing him to understand that I wasn't going because I felt like it – I was going because I had to go in order to stay.
"Fucking Beau!"
We both jumped at the sound of Emmett storming into the kitchen, throwing a piece of paper down on the bench. It was a letter of resignation signed by the new guy Edward had been training for the last month – the one who kept mixing up orders and dropping liquor bottles. I was surprised that Emmett wasn't glad to be rid of him. Edward scanned the letter, shaking his head and taking a deep breath.
"I take it you need me on staff tonight, then?" he droned.
"Fucking Beau," I muttered, realising why him quitting was more of a curse than a blessing. Edward chuckled and swiped another piece of capsicum.
"Yes, and because he quit so did Demi," Emmett growled, throwing down another letter of resignation.
"You've got to be joking!" I gasped, taking that letter and reading it, utterly gobsmacked.
"Those two were trouble right from the start. Beau didn't know a damn thing and Demi was more interested in talking to the patrons and flirting with Beau than doing any actual work." Emmett hopped onto the bench beside Edward and took a stick of the carrot I had just moved onto.
"Do you mind?"
"Sorry, Bells."
"I told you hiring Demi was a bad idea," Edward shrugged.
"You only said that because you were banging her at the time," Emmett retorted, crunching down on the carrot stick. I raised my eyebrow at the glare-off they were having. I obviously didn't like to hear about Edward 'banging' girls – especially because he was very skilled at avoiding that particular activity with me – but it wasn't a big deal. I'd never expected anything else from a guy as attractive as him who worked in a bar. He was constantly surrounded by gorgeous drunk girls – hell, if I were in his position I probably would have been even wilder than I'd heard he was.
"Do you want me to save you some dinner for when you get home?" I asked, searching in the cupboard for the flour. To me, this was Edward's home. I knew he lived somewhere else, but for almost the entire time I'd been at the inn he'd been sleeping on the lounge. So many nights I'd wanted to invite him up with me – not for sex.... well, not just for sex – but to be close to him. I often dreamt about being with him. I dreamt of him every night. The dreams were like an alternate reality where we'd known each other for as long as I could remember rather than just for a month. They were so vivid I would have regarded them as premonitions if they didn't always end with Edward being shot in the driveway.
I shuddered at the memory of my recurring nightmare, not having heard Edward's answer. I looked up at him. "Sorry?"
"Yeah, I'd love some."
"I might stop by. I know Chrissy wants to hit the bar again."
"Neither of us are gonna be able to talk or anything," Emmett warned, grinning as I slapped his hand away from the third carrot stick he was reaching for. "I've gotta put Rose in behind the bar as well. We need to start hiring again."
"What's wrong with the bar?" Chrissy demanded, taking up a spot next to Emmett and stealing some cheese from the bowl I'd set to the side. At this point, dinner wasn't even going to make it into the oven. Emmett casually slung his arm around Chrissy's shoulders – they'd become good friends in the month we'd been here. Rosalie hated it.
"Nothing, you booze hound, we're just a little short-staffed," Emmett told her, taking her cue and scooping up some grated cheese for himself. I slapped his hand and he grinned at me.
"I can work if you need me to," Chrissy piped up, explaining how she'd been working in a bar before she got into the band. She was a pro at mixing drinks, and she was sure she'd be able to keep up with everyone else. They slapped a victorious high five and started sharing bartending stories. I shook my head fondly and moved to the stove to melt some butter.
***
EPOV
She lifted the pot and tilted it in several directions, spreading the melted butter before adding some flour and stirring vigorously. I came up behind her and rested my chin on her shoulder. I saw her smile. She blew a piece of hair from her eyes and placed the pot back on the stove adding milk and stirring slower this time, watching the mixture bubble. She turned the heat down and sighed, still stirring. She reached a hand over and took my hand. The gesture was sad – she was thinking the same thing as I was; that this whole fiasco with Beau and Demi was just one other thing that we would have to overcome. It was one other thing that would keep us apart before she had to leave.
"I'll wait up," she whispered, reading my mind again.
"You don't have to."
"I want to."
We watched the sauce thicken. She added the cheese to it, effectively ending snack time for Chrissy and Emmett. She let it simmer and reached for a pan. She melted some butter in that as well. Watching Bella do everyday things – like cooking – was probably my favourite thing to do. She was so self-sufficient. Even though she was small, she hardly asked for help. If something was too high, she would climb or get something to stand on in order to reach it instead of asking someone else. She was never too weak to open a jar or anything. I wondered if she had ever questioned her strength before, or if any of her friends had ever questioned it. She was much too strong to look the way she did – you couldn't see her muscles until she was using them. It was the strangest thing. She should have been more buff than Emmett, for all the strength she possessed, but she looked as delicate as a flower petal – like you could break her if you held her too tight.
Watching her do all of these things made me fall even deeper in love with her. I had wanted to tell her so many times how I feel about her – how I've felt for so many years about her – but I didn't want to scare her even thought part of me told me that she felt the same thing she felt for me before she left. We didn't really talk about our feelings ever, we just filled each other in on our respective lives. I didn't care that we never spoke about it. I could feel it in the way she looked at me, the way her entire face lit up when I walked into a room and in the way she always sighed at our first touch – like she had been waiting for it for an eternity. She did love me, I was sure, but I didn't know if she knew it for herself yet. So I would keep my mouth shut and wait until I knew she was sure.
***
BPOV
Alice and I had been planning for days. Ever since Edward had told me that he didn't like his birthday, I had wanted to do something special for him. Something that would help him see that birthdays are only ever meant to be joyful celebrations of life and everything life can offer us.
So I had turned to Alice, because she knew him better than I did and she would had the necessary enthusiasm needed to help me with my difficult task. Once I had the go-ahead, I let Natalie – Alice's excitement-double – in on the secret and the three of us began planning an "Un-Birthday Birthday Party" for Edward.
Now the day was here and the boys were distracting Edward while Alice put all of the girls to work. We decorated the inn and made all of his favourite foods. I was in charge of the cake, which wasn't so much as it was a mass of cupcakes. I was on my fifth batch of cupcakes when Alice burst in, Natalie in tow. I could tell before I even looked at them that something was wrong. I whirled around.
"What is it?" I asked, thinking the worst. Edward was hurt, or he was already here, or the gummi bears for the cupcakes had gone missing or the presents were destroyed.
"We can't find the CDs you gave us!" Alice wailed, launching into a panicked rant about how the party was going to be ruined, Natalie patting her shoulder consolingly and assuring her that there had to be something they could do. Surely, they could just hop on the computer and burn a new one. They stopped dead when they finally looked at me. I was holding the CDs up with a smile that was threatening hysterical laughter. They were such an awesome party-planning team, but Alice was prone to meltdowns over the smallest mishap. "Oh thank god!" she cried, taking the CDs and rushing off.
An hour later, I looked at my tower of cupcakes and grinned proudly. They were all iced red and yellow, with red gummi bears on the yellow icing and yellow ones on the red. The main room was decorated with pictures of his childhood birthdays, starting from when he was adopted by Esme. There was footage of him growing up projected on a sheet hanging down the far wall. Paper links and balloons were everywhere. There was a table set up with his gifts. The biggest box was my own, though I doubt my gift was the most extravagant. It was a big box filled with lots of little things.
When Alice, Natalie and Chrissy dragged me upstairs to 'make me gorgeous', I knew it was almost time.
***
EPOV
I wanted to go home. The guys were seriously pissing me off with their bullshit about wanting some 'man time' at the beach. I'd never heard of anything so fucking gay in my entire life. Yeah, let's spend some time half naked and wet. I wanted to be at home with Bella, seeing as she was leaving tomorrow. I just wanted to steal her away and hold her all day and all night and not let go until I finally had no other choice.
To top it all off, I was now starving as well as irritated. In their zeal, the guys had all forgotten about lunch. I hadn't. I frowned deeper as my stomach gurgled in protest of its emptiness. I patted it and shook my head. I cursed under my breath and got to my feet, heading over to the car. Emmett called after me. I knew they were coming up behind me to try and stop me from leaving, but I just couldn't be fucked to stop. I was going home to Bella and I was going right now.
"You know, maybe it is time to get going," Jason suggested, trying to diffuse the situation. The others checked the time and were suddenly more than willing to come with me. They probably caught on to the fact that they hadn't eaten in several hours. Maybe hunger was a psychological thing.
My cell rang. It was the inn.
"Hey, mom," I greeted with a smile. "I'm just heading-"
"Kinky," Bella giggled on the other line. "I didn't realise you had an Edi... Edda... Um..."
"Oedipal complex?" I suggested.
"That's the one," she chirped. "I have some good news." I could practically hear her bouncing on the other end. I pictured her bright eyes as I settled into my seat and buckled in.
"Tell me."
"I don't have to go anywhere!" she squealed. Everyone in the jeep heard and we let out a collective cheer.
"Are you serious?" I asked, brimming over with happiness. She wasn't going to leave! She was going to stay and before the next few months was up, when Jason will have finished his masterpiece of film, I would convince her to stay with me forever.
"Remember how Demi and Beau quit?" she asked. How could I forget? "Well because they quit, the chick at the family health clinic quit her job!"
"Who, Samantha?" I asked, laughing. Samantha had to be the strangest girl in all of Forks, bar Emma. She had met Beau and Demi at the bar and ever since then it was like they were celebrities to her. She was thrilled when they even acknowledged her presence in a room, and if they didn't then she would make her presence known so that they would. She copied Demi's style and now she was followed both of their leads in quitting jobs. Whatever they did was clearly the coolest thing that could ever be done, so she probably quit with glee.
"Yes, and Esme went in there because she was passing and saw that they seemed to be having trouble. She suggested me to replace Samantha and Dr. Marsh said yes straight away! I start on Monday!"
"That's great!" I beamed. "I'm nearly home now. We'll celebrate."
"Definitely," she laughed. "See you in a few."
I snapped the phone shut and pocketed it. I couldn't wait to get home.
So once again, Happy Birthday to Edward! (Gummiward? Awesomeward? I'm taking votes!)
And please feel free to follow me on Twitter! I'm MadamePlume, of course ;) And I regularly tweet about Human Nature progress, updates and I sometimes even hand out teasers ;)
Next chapter will be the party!