Chapter 38

"Why do you want to be like them?" he asked after a while.

"You know why,"

"Right..." he huffed. "God, he stank you up well. You're burning my nose,"

"Would I really be dead to you?" I asked after a moment.

"Far from it," he admitted. "I'd miss you." It sounded 'final' like he wouldn't still consider me 'human'. 'Person' was probably a better word.

"I would still be me. I'd just stink...I've missed you," I said.

"...You never called." he said stiffly.

"Neither did you. I wanted to." I said.

"You still have time before the battle to see Renesmee. She's at Charlie's," I added after a pause.

"Really?"

"Just don't do anything stupid,"

"I wouldn't," he said, slightly offended.

"I still have to say it."

"...I didn't just think you were stealing her away. I thought...you were leaving me behind," he admitted. I furrowed my eyebrows.

"When I saw you standing with them in the field- It was a few training sessions in," he started. "Even though you're as pale as the dead, you were paler still under the moonlight. Like them. Before, before Renesmee was ever...conceived and you had just come back to Forks, I thought you could never like me because I wasn't like you. You're white, and I'm not," he said, sadly. My furrow deepened.

"Back when we were hanging at the beach, I thought that you could never like me. Because I wasn't as pretty as Mr. Undead, and I came from a place that believed werewolves were real. We were from two different worlds,"

"I always thought you were beautiful Jake. Your skin color or where you were from never bothered me." I said. He looked at me with a soft expression for a moment, then looked forward again.

"You and Edward are different... and in so many ways the same. I always thought you were like the sun," I explained sheepishly.

"If you were the sun then he was the moon. When he was gone, you came and made everything 'alight' again." I said.

"And when he returned, I was eclipsed."

I shook my head at that and reached over to grip his forearm.

"I almost died. And you saved me. You will never not be important to me, Jacob." I said, tears blurring my vision. "I will always need you. I will always want you there-Especially after I outlive Charlie. I'll especially need you then,"

"Bella..." he started. I hung my head to hide my face.

"Do you care about me, enough to stay? I know I can't ask, and I can't make you, but can you ignore your hatred for... Renesmee?" I shake my head.

"For fuck's sake. Life's not fair, Jacob. It gave me a dying child! What am I supposed to do? What else am I supposed to do, because let her die I will not, and neither would you," I nearly yelled.

He held me closer while I seemed to be hyperventilating.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry I made things harder for you," he said, rubbing my back.

"Maybe it's selfish, but if I'm going to lose Charlie and Renee, can't I keep you?"

"For better or worse, you're family to me," he said like he too couldn't help it.

"Even if you stink." he continued. "You'd tell me when you want to...?"

"I would...But, tell me, Jacob. Are you in love with her?"

"What-NO!" he nearly screamed.

"Shhh!" I shush, just in case our words could be carried through the forest.

"You don't really think-"

"No, just explain it to me," I say.

"I'm not a dog. She's... She's a kid, it's not my 'thing', so I don't feel that way." he said with disgust. "But...everything she does, whenever she's happy, she's the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. She's a miracle, apart from being a literal miracle," I nod because I too could look at her for hours. The short window of her childhood development made me treasure every moment.

"When something's frustrating or she's in pain, I want to comfort her because I want her to feel better. I love her, but I'm not in love with her. GOD! It sounds so fucking disgusting!" he yells, shaking his head.

"It's cruel that I get to meet my soulmate and she's... a baby. Now I know what it's like for Embry. If it weren't for him...I would've gone crazy. He feels bad for me."

"Would you be whatever she wanted you to be?" I asked. He paused for a long time.

"Yes." he settled.

We, or he, continued to trek quietly while I thought.

I knew he was just fiercely protective of her because she was the one. As annoying as it was, he can't help that. It's weird. It's strange. I suppose I was too obsessed too, and it was too common in parents to see it as strange, at first.

Was it the same, for Edward and I? Would I feel like something wasn't right if I never moved to Forks, stayed in Arizona, and ended up with someone else? I shook my head. I can't even imagine it. It was horrifying to think about.

I still wasn't sure if I had any right to meddle, but it just didn't seem right.

"You know you can't watch her grow, right? As much of an honor it would be, to watch her become who she'll be...If you want a..." I started, struggling really hard to get the words out. "If you want anything romantic with her in the future, you simply can't watch her grow. It isn't right,"

He glanced at me, only returning his attention to the road ahead after a faltering step.

"I don't think the blood- Edward would be okay with me sticking around, anyway,"

"It's the same either way," I say. "We hoped 'boyfriends' was something we didn't have to deal with 'til she was a teenager."

He lets out a long, dragged-out huff.

"I don't like this any more than you do, or him, or anyone. But for better or worse, it landed in my lap, so I have to deal with it." I say.

"Same." he mumbled.

"Do you think you could be, in love with her, if you were there as her uncle the entire time?" I asked after a beat.

"I don't know. I can't see the future,"

"Do you think she could love you if you watched her grow up?"

"...I don't know. I don't know what I want, Bella," he said, shaking his head.

"Well, what if she likes a boy in school? Would you be okay with that?"

"I'd let her do what she liked, but...it's moot, isn't it? Nothing's happened yet,"

"But you have to ask yourself: do you love her enough to still love her even after she's a full vampire? If your love is conditional, if you let your nature get in the way, then stay from her," I said, half thinking out loud. She would smell, the way vampires did, have the thirst, the eyes, etc. Her brown eyes would be gone, I realized. It didn't bother me, but I wondered if it would bother him.

He didn't speak for a long time.

"I don't know what to do, what I'll do, or what the right thing to do is... I almost want to ask what she wants, but it's not entirely appropriate," he said. "That was part of the reason why I was gone, to see if I could live without her," he admitted.

"...And can you?"

"Let's say I realized what Edward went through. I'm sorry for the things I said. I didn't mean it. And I know I fucked up, telling Charlie. But I'd never let anything happen to him." he swore to me.

"I'll...apologize to the Cullens, for more than just keeping the peace. I'll make it up to them. I promise I won't let anything happen to them," he said. I stared. It was also for their sake, I realized. So no one lost anyone.

The emotion in his voice was unexpected, so all I could say was: "Thank you, Jake,"

If the chapters are a little derpy, sorry. Things didn't go as planned because of school but here's to hoping.

IDK if you care, but I thought this tidbit I couldn't use was cool, so enjoy. But I see how it couldn't work.

"You chose a side."

"Of course, I did. I got to know how not all vampires were bad or could be good despite their urges- It's not their nature that dictates who they are. So when you seek their destruction just based on race, of course, I chose their side."

It could certainly continue from there "They can cave into them anytime!" "You don't know that! They won't, I say 'won't' because I trust them. I'd rather wait for it to happen than judge them as if it already did!"