All screwed up.
Chapter two: Hell
And so there we has sitting on his arse on a chair in the so called mental institution. He had been dragged out of Konoha, and he was somewhere between Rain and Wind for all he knew. A small place, no sane man, except for the medics lingered around. Even the animals were to scared to aproach such a, almost tangibly mentally ill place.
What was he doing here in the first place, he kind of missed that one part when Naruto mentioned it. He hissed through his teeth and pathetically hid his face in his palms. If only he were paying attention to little mister sunshine as the latter was telling him the condition of him being freed of this living, breathing insanity.
Closing his eyes always brought moribd figures in front of his eyes. He saw Karin lying in front of Danzo after she had been pierced through by Sasuke's Chidori. It was one of the most disgusting things he had ever done in his life. He had killed his comrade. While he had sworn to himself that he would'nt hurt the ones he called friends, because he hadn't wanted to see his precious ones die in front of him again. Was he so driven by anger? He did not even turn back to see, if she could have been saved.
He felt sick to his stomach while thinking of her. She had never been one he would tolerate, he would be easily angered by her always lingering next to him, flirting, but that was no reason to kill her as Naruto had said, - no had histericaly shouted in their last fight. He did not need Naruto to tell him that. The thought always lingered in the back of his head like a sharp knife making it's way through the back of his neck to his skull. Guilt. He presumed. And he knew unfortunatley that it was indeed guilt above all that he felt since that moment it was guilt. And he despised himself, for he had become everything he once loathed. He was a hypocrite peace of shit and came to think that maybe his place truely was in this mental hospital. So cold, so lonely, but so frighteningly true and scary: to think ones revenge, that desire to avenge would take him so far from that little laughing boy who he used to be. The one who could'nt even kill a fly because it felt wrong.
Again his train of thoughts were intrerupted by a harsh sound, loud music as he had come to recognise it. Nothing he'd ever hear before foreign music but loud screaming.
I think about it, you know life and what it really means
I drink about it, I think I'm busting at the seams
Don't over think it, I think somebody told me that before
Yeah whatever, That's my attitude, what can I say
Evidently I was raised to be this way
But incidentally there's days I really want to change
If heaven sent me then why do I feel this crazy
Got a man down. Mayday, mayday
He had opened his ears and opened his eyes wide listening to the lyrics. Made sense in some way and the rythim just made him want to shoot up some coke and just lay the fuck on a comfortable couch and just listen to this over and over again. Not sitting in this wheelchair like a handicapped. So he got the knots untied with his chidori, the ones that tied himdown so he would'nt hurt himself, and went to the room where he heard the music. He had to cross the hall the huge white-walled halls, that made the thought of being in a hospital, a mental hospital sink in.
Bottles and cans, seeds and stems
Down to my last roach here I am again
Caught between tomorrow and yesterday
Telling myself it'll be okay
Bottles and cans, seeds and stems
Will I ever change guess it all depends
Feels like nothing ever went my way
Telling myself it'll be okay
He just couldn't find that fucking room and he got irritated, but then again he decided that it would be a good ocasion to see what this shitpile looked like. He didn't really like what he saw. It was full of retarded people. Full of traumatised ones. As he went through he came to the realisation that here were separate groups. The ones 'mentally ill' like well, him. The ones born retarded and the ones who had suffered trauma after decided he would go out, sit on the fucking rooftop maybe he'd get some cigarretes once he gets out of the ill house. He really wished he could be insivible for this moment, but like literally invisible. But he just resumed darting in the back of the assistents knocking them out one by one. They should've sedated him, but he guessed that Naruto and the others did not mention that though by removing the Shinobi rank from him , making him a commoner, they could'nt take his chackra,brain and skills from him.
' How pitiful ' he thought, as he slowly made his way to the stairs that lead to a door with had a writing on it saying DO NOT ENTER. He did not give a fuck used his Chidori to break the fucking lock and made his way on the rooftops, breathing in fresh air for the first time in four weeks since his been there. He acutally felt the pain in his rear, thus to the fact that he hadn't walked more than two feet from the bed to the wheel chair, and most of the times the medics had lifted him and put him in the chair aswell. He did not give a fuck about anything. He then closed the door behind him and put some bricks on it so they could'nt get up there that easily.
He then got the pack of cigarretes he had stolen from one of the medics coat aswell as some morpfhine fioles that he had found along with siringes. He would have wanted some beer or maybe vodka to them aswell, but he reconed he would do without them for awhile.
In a way, while taking a huge sip from his cigarette and holding the smoke in his lungs for as much as possible, his thoughts darted back at Naruto. He felt a bit sorry for him too, but the guilt he felt torwards Naruto was in no way to be compared to the one he filled torwards Karin. Though, Naruto was still one that he could make it all up to.
When he was dragged back, defeated, he remembered saying, i'm sorry Naruto, before blacking out. He couldn't bring himself to fay 'forgive me, Naruto' because he knew that he did not deserve his blonde friends' forgiveness. And in a way he did not think that his forgiveness would set his soul free anyway. But still he felt sorry for the guy, that had almost given up his life for him, only to be able to keep his promise to the love of his life, their comrade, Sakura. He thought of how, probably he himself did not mean anything to the blonde and that all that the latter did to bring him home was only to get his way into Sakura's soul. But that thought vanished as quickly as it had came. Narutos soul was as pure as the ocean's water, his love and power to forgive was like the warm caresses of the summer sunshine, like the chilly wind that felt so good when you were feverish, that offerd you imense comfort and sense of safety.
Even though he would never admit it, Sasuke always felt better in the company of Naruto, but ever since he had came back from well, his journey full of idiocy (or so Naruto would put it ) he had tried to shut off everything he had. His brain, his feelings, and his heart, but the latter was impossible with the blonde dobe always saving his life, saying that sooner or later he'll come to realise that there was something of value in his life. In everyones life.
And that made him to think of Kimimaro and Orochimaru. Made him think of Jugo and Suigetsu as he had lost them ever since the five kages meeting and he had foten wondered what had happened to the two. And then he would think back to Karin again making him really want to rewind the time, go back save the girl so he could at least, if even he was forced to live this wretched life at least so he could do it without the guilt he felt.
'I was your biggest mistake Itachi, you know?' he told himself as he had many times before spoken to his nii-san as if that would ease the pain of loosing him. ' was your biggest and well as Danzo put it, your only mistake.. Right now I feel like my whole life was one full of stupid decisions, naivity and mistakes, but Karin, she is the one that kills me the most.'
His mind went numb as the sun slowly started to make it's way on the other side of the earth, enveloping the trees , the institute and him on the rooftop in darkness. The sky being filled with beautiful shining stars, and the moon, with in the middle looked like hundreds of little mice had chewed on it.
He started wondering about small and stupid things, but details he had never contemplated on ever since he was a young boy. Was the moon really made of cheese? Were the stars really the ones that had passed away from the living world? And if so where were his parents? Where was Itachi in this whole huge, other Universe that was staring down on him at hat very moment. What would his mother say to him, what would their father say? Would he be proud, or dissapointed in his youngest? And most importantly what would Itachi say, what would Itachi do in his situation?True, he had ignored Itachi's will when not transplanting his eyes, and not returning immediatley after his death, still pure and innocent to Konoha, being a hero, the one to put fame and honour back to the Uchiha name, and instead going after the Village elders, and joining Akatsuki. He wondered if Itachi could ever forgive him for what he had done to Karin, and to his friends. He wondered if Itachi himself had ever forgiven himself for what he had done to Shisui, to Mother and Father and to the whole clan, and had he ever forgiven himself for what he had done to Sasuke? He closed his eyes in defeat as a cold raindrop hit his forehead and he heard several men trying to push the trapdoor open so they could go after Sasuke and probably sedate him and get him to bed.
'Will I ever change guess it all depends
Feels like nothing ever went my way
Telling myself it'll be okay'
He murmured the last lines of the song he had heard earlier that day. Truth had always hit him face forward but even now it could hurt as much as the first time it did, on thah night he had realized Itachi had cried and he was not hallucinating. He would never again see the sweet faces of his loved ones, and never again hear the sweet voice of his mother, the harsh tone of his father and his brothers manly, but calm voice saying
'Sorry Sasuke, maybe another time'
And for sure, he would never ever find out if the stars held place for the Uchiha up there somewhere, and he wasn't about to find out any soon if they held a place for little Sasuke to be at their side, and he won't know for another while if he could ever find his own kind in that mass of stars, departed souls all watching over their own loved ones that they had left behind, just like his whole family had left him.
Pouring rain had washed away the bitter tears these thoughts had brought him. He was the stoic, sole Uchiha survivor, whose physical apearence was one of a sixteen-year-old, and everyone saw him as if inside he was antient, but they were all wrong. Inside he was still that little boy who had cried rivers full of tears, and had screamed for his Aniki when he woke up in that hospital bed more than 10 years ago, all alone in that cruel village he had to call his home.
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