sorry sorry I really did not have time to write much other than rambles.. and did not have an idea what to write here. i had lots but i got all confused and blocked.

i also re read the othe chapters and i realized i had so many mistakes, i am so so so sorry for those but i won't correct them.

anyway enjoy and review, backup would be nice anyway :)

love

Disclaimer: Masashi's.

I was stumbling along Konoha, carrying two brown bags full of groceries, as I made my way back to the compound, with food for the little one and paying the bills, so we would have water again.

As I entered the compound, i heard weird pacing through the corridors as suddenly a curious little head popped out from behind a wall as I was taking my sandals off. I looked at her, as she smiled at me and jumped in my arms and hugged me tightly with a happy 'You're back, Sasuke nii-chan'

I smiled as well, hugging her back ' Yes, I am sweetie' again. "Sweetie. Yes Sasuke you are losing it"

'What have you been doing until i was out?' I asked trying to make conversation with her while i put the groceries away, checking the water tap as well. She ran behind me and looked at me, smiling as I put everything into the right cupboard.

' I.. Well.. I was walking around and I an interesting room , i really like it.' she said enthusiastically.

'Oh? Which one might that be?' I asked actually interested in her reply. Praying to god, it wasn't my brothers' room,

' It has blue walls and a neat bed and beautiful paintings in it' she said. "Itachi..." I thought bitterly all my hope gone.

'Would you like that to be your room?' I asked her

' I..I was thinking.. Can I ..sleep with you?' she asked blushing again and I laughed. I actually laughed.

'Sure, if you want to.' was my reply and I ruffled her hair. ' Hey. Seeing as we have water now what do you say about a shower?' I asked her seeing as she probably craved for one.

' O..Okay' she said and paled, which made me curious and worried.

'What's wrong?' I ask her putting my hand on her shoulder.

'n-nothing Sasuke nii.. Let's go.' she said taking my hand and dragging me to the bathroom she probably like the we got there she started undressing as I helped her out. I figured that she wanted me to help her seeing as she dragged me with her all the way here, so I turned on the water to fill the bathtub issue waited behind my back. I bent down to find some shampoo when I felt her lifting my shirt up.

I looked at her curiously, as she motioned for me to get it off. I did not understand and i did as the child showed me too, and went back to looking for the shampoo. As soon as I found it I turned off the water and put her into the water while sitting on the edge, also putting my legs in the water getting my pants all wet.

She dipped under the water then emerged and laughed wiping her eyes as I smiled a soft smile at her. How could she smile after all she went through? I wished I could have been able to appreciate the small things like she did, but recalling on myself I only fell deeper and deeper into my own private hell.

'Aren't you gonna get into the water Sasuke-nii?' she asked, concern evident in her eyes.

' If you want me to, yes.' I replied uncertainly to her request. I got my pants off, remaining in my boxers as I sat down beside her. She slowly sat in my lap and played with the water never looking into my eyes. I didn't know what to do so I started shampooing her beautiful golden locks while getting lost into my thoughts.

I was thinking about Naruto again, how he pissed me off and how I, even though I did not want to, hated Sakura for her luck. I felt a hand wrap around my dick as I was thinking this and quickly snapped out of my thoughts, my eyes wide at seeing what Sayuri was doing. She was bending down at my now exposed member hands trembling as she did so.

I froze. I felt completely numb. But I recovered. Right before she could do anything I lifted her head up quickly putting my dick back where it belonged ( in my boxers).

'Wh-what's wrong.. Don't you want it?' she asked her voice trembling as much as her hands were and I saw tears emerging. I felt like I was about to explode. This girl had been sexually abused. And she thought I was going to do the same.

'Sayuri. What is the meaning of this? Did somebody put you up to doing that?' I asked my voice shaking from anger

'Y-yes' she said and buried her face in my chest crying. ' Th-there was this man.. Living near Ichiraku's I.. He gave me food for a short period of time, but he always asked ..th-that in return' she sobbed in my neck and I felt anger rising. I hugged the little girl and kissed the top of her head. Whoever did that to her, I would find him and kill him. There was nothing more despicable than sexually molesting a child. Damned pedophiles.

' Sweetie, look at me' I said suppressing my anger so I wouldn't scare her. ' I don't want anything like that. And, you show me who that person was, I'll make him pay for what he did to you. I'll always take care of you baby, I won't let anyone hurt you, from now on, understand?' I said my tone firm as she nodded and kissed my cheek.

'Th-thank you, Sasuke-nii.' she said wrapping her arms around my neck and burying her face, so i couldn't see her.

After what seemed like half an hour I realized she had fallen asleep in my arms, in the hot water. I slowly got out and whipped her off, getting her into a small kimono, that I had previously found in between my mothers clothes. I put her into my bed and covered her with a blanket and slowly made my way out on the porch.

It was a full day and it had pissed me off beyond anything. I found that it would be futile to even attempt sleeping so i just sat there looking out at the stars as I lit a cigarette. The world did not cease to amaze me with all it's fucked- upness. I took a look at the little girl sleeping sound in my bed and sighed.

It was all so disgusting it made me want to throw out my in-existent dinner. A little girl to have her parents murdered, to be sexually abused so she could have something to eat, and having her think everyone in the world is scum and would do that to her.

I actually snorted at the thought. I thought everyone was scum as well. Maybe it was the truth though, maybe it was all just one big joke, just some lame excuse for being alive. Happy people, were stupid, like Naruto and Sakura. Happy people knew how to forgive. And people who forgive and stupid people in my opinion.

We all start with good intent, at the start, everything is okay and happy-go-lucky. Then things either go downhill or they stay the same. A person stays the same, no matter what happens to them. And some just sink so low. Just like I had. Truth be told, I had tried my best, but I got caught up in all there was to offer. My revenge, that had driven me. Now, I was an avenger with nothing to avenge. I only existed as if to mark time, and mark the existence of the Uchiha clan.

I shook my head. Pointless thinking never lead anywhere and there was no use in doing so tonight either. My life sucked and nothing anyone said would change that mere fact. I one was and innocent child, just like Sayuri was, but just like they had told me million times before, I just went the wrong way. The wrong way in their eyes, but it was the right path in mine.

I entered the house and closed the windows, as it had gotten chilly while i sat outside. I went into the kitchen and sat down in front of the sink and put my heat between my knees. The same position as the night before. I needed release. The release I did not get ever since I got back from the mental facility.

I did not want drugs. I did not want to do things I would later on regret in front of the little girl, but I needed something. Something to numb the hollow in my soul. The nothingness of being unwanted, unneeded . I slowly sat up and rummaged through the cutlery until I found a knife. It was sharp and appealing and I just sat down on the same spot again just staring at the blade.

I slowly pushed the cold metal against my skin and watched as it slowly ripped through flesh and blood stared oozing out slowly making it's way on the floor. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the counter and sighed. I couldn't believe I had gotten here. I used to be a little boy, full of energy. I adored my brother, and my mother and father. What had I done to deserve everything I got? Was all the blame of my ancestors crushed upon me? Was everything they had done to Senju my fault? I was an innocent child, with a thorn in my heart, a thorn of evil and hatred, and as a tomato my heart had gotten rotten, and full of bitterness and hatred. I was dreaming this life away, hating everything that moved around me for so long, that I nearly forgot what life really was. And now that I had found a reason to live, I found that I wasn't needed anymore. My best friend, whom I love with all my heart, and had finally come to admit it was about to get married to the woman of his dreams, leaving me behind with all of my regrets.

I opened my eyes again and repeated the motion on my arms a few more times up until the skin was ripped in many deep paths. Those cuts, the blood just showed me that I was still alive, no matter how dead I really felt deep inside my heart.

My body was alive, but my soul it had been killed for the mistakes of my ancestors. I had paid the price of those before me. I was just a victim of the past, and it's mistakes. I had come to realize this every night ever since Itachi died, only I would never be able to confide in anyone.

I had only so much pride to go down so low. I am an Uchiha, and I had never been good at accepting help from others, and that was not about to change. Either way, nobody could really understand. All that yapping of Naruto's about knowing how I feel and even Sakuras words to me all those years ago, about knowing that solitude is painful.. They really had no idea what it was like.

Naruto did not see his parents dead on the floor,his brother standing beside them, blade in his hand. He did not hear the truth, or Itachis last words to him, each time he closed his eyes. Even if my whole clan were to be magically resurrected, I would not be able to let go of that image. Not now not ever. It was the nightmare I lived through each day. It was something I could never let go of. It defined me ad he path I had taken.

It was all just so screwed up.

Morning had come, and my mind did not stop racing as I just sat there all night long keeping to add more wounds on my arms. I did not give a damn about what anyone would think of them. Of me of what I lived.

As soon as I hear the rooster I got up and washed the blood off my arms, so Sayuri wouldn't get scared. As I finished that I walked into the kitchen to make some breakfast for the two of us.

It was really something to be living with someone in this house after more than a decade of solitude and only the haunting ghosts of my parents to keep my company in this huge mansion.

It was something new and I did not dislike it because I knew that I was doing a good deed. For the first time in so long I was doing something that not only seemed okay in my eyes, but was accepted by the society I lived in as well. Not that I gave a damn, but maybe this was the start of a new chapter in my life. A new chapter in this village I hated and despised so much.

I made some toast and tea and boiled two eggs, in case the little one like them. I also put some jam on the small kitchen table for her in case she liked sweets.

I slowly went upstairs only to find her on the porch looking at some birds that were playing in the little pond in the back of my house. "Our house" I thought and smiled lightly.

'Good morning sweetie' I greeted as she turned to look at me with those bright blue eyes that reminded me of Naruto so much.

'Morning' she said and smiled as she ran toward me ad hugged me by the waist.

'Breakfast is ready' I said and lightly patted her head, smoothing golden lock's on her forehead.

'Okay' she said as she grabbed my hand. ' wanna race?' she asked with a grin and I nodded as we both started running toward the kitchen. As she was tugging the back of my shirt I tickled her.

' No cheating sweetie' I said and continued tickling her and she laughed. She looked so happy it actually made me forget about everything I thought about during the night.

'You're the one cheating' she screamed, as I lifted her up in my arms, still tickling her and started running toward the kitchen. As I got into there I nearly dropped Sayuri flat-face on the ground. Naruto was standing there looking worried and all worked up, as he turned to face us.

'Hey, aren't you that guy who called Sasuke-nii a teme?' Sayuri finally asked as I had stopped tickling here, her gaze shifting constantly between me and Naruto.

'Yeah, it's me' Naruto said with a grin. ' Did you sleep well, princess?' he asked her as she rand to him and hugged him the minute I released her.

'Yeah, I did' she replied with a grin before running to the table and started digging in. Naruto turned to look at me the worry back in his eyes.

'We need to talk, you bastard' he said in a low voice, as if he did not know how to act.

' Okay. Talk.' I said trying to keep any emotion out of my voice and mentally patting myself on the head for succeeding.

' Teme, what was that about you not fitting in the picture? I mean you know what you mean to me..' he said edging closer to me as I started staring at the ground.

" Should I tell him? Shouldn't I? What if he will hate me? I can't loose him, and I can't make him feel guilty. But i can't hide it either..."

'Sasuke teme..' he came, his ocean-blue eyes locking with my onyx ones. 'Please.. Just talk to me...'

'N-nothing Naruto. Just, drop it.' I dead-panned not being able to tell him whatever I had buried deep within my heart. I couldn't ruin his happiness. Not now.. Not anymore. Not ever.

' Teme, you've been acting weird ever since I told you about me and Sakura, what.. Do you have feeling for her.. Please just tell me, Sasuke.' he pleaded.

' I think Sasuke-nii has the hots for you.' Sayuri interrupted and actually made me want to bang my head in the wall. How had she realized?

' Sayuri, just eat' I instructed her.

'Sorry Sasuke-niichan. But you looked at him that way.. I just thought.' she said her voice dying as she realized that she should'nt have said that last sentence. The way she bit her lip and returned to her egg and toast and the way Naruto looked at her completely bummed made me resist the urge to face-palm.

Just great. How have I gotten myself into this, again?

'Is it true?' he finally spoke, his voice, hostile. He turned to face me, his angry blue-gaze making me want to bury myself right there and then.

'Yes.' I stated the already was no point in denying it when even a small child could notice, but of course, the dumbass and the bitch didn't.

' Errm..' he said and turned away blushing and walking toward a seat. He sat down and started fumbling with the hem of his jacket. ' I..' he started but bit his lip then sighed and motioned toward me ' I'm at loss of words here, help me out?' He said trying to sound cheery, but seeing as I did not even make an attempt to change my expression, he gave up, turning to stare at the floor.

We sat there, like that for minutes, but those minutes seemed like an eternity to me. Even though I wouldn't admit it, my heart was racing and the thought of Naruto rejecting me to my face, did not seem appealing at all. I did not know how I would handle a rejection from the, so I had figured out, love of my life, seeing as to what harm I had caused himself because of things that had happened so long ago, I did not want to end up being suicidal. And I knew, despite all my efforts, I seemed like a stone hearted bastard to the others, but really, underneath that mask I always wore, I knew, I was just a lost kid, who longed for acceptance, who loved and wanted to be loved back.

'I really love Sakura-chan, Sasuke..' he finally spoke and I could feel my heart sink into the pit of my stomach. "here we go..' I thought bitterly and grimaced as he continued. ' I really.. Really love her Sasuke, you know that.' He said blue eyes focusing on my face as if to see what harm his words were causing. I mentally cheered at myself for being able to hold my stoic expression in place even though the fifth ninja war was playing it's trailer in my body.'I it was anyone else, they'd say you only do this to crave attention Sasuke..and I really feel like I know you enough not to presume something like that..' he said, but I felt the bullets attached to his words.

He did think my sole reason for doing and saying this was to get attention.

'You did not just accuse me of pretending to be in love with my best friend to get attention, Naruto. ' I said, my voice shaking violently as I spat the words in his face. ' I know i've gone down, but only so low, Naruto. The fact that I've been having feelings for you does not have anything to do with anyone else but you and me.' I said forgetting about the little girl who was now looking stressed at me and Naruto.

' I did not accuse you of anything bastard! Would you just fucking listen to for five fucking minutes?' he stood up shouting at me to which I emerged ready to punch him straight in his face. How dared he? ' I just love her Sasuke! I love her. And if you love me, Sasuke, then understand my feelings for her won't change. And besides Sasuke, frickin' look at us! Did you ever think about anything? Look at us! We can't go five minutes without argueing.'

I just lifted my hand and started rubbing the bridge of my nose in a futile attempt to make the anger go away. And not just the anger, but also the tears that were forming. I would not cry in front of this dumbass, not in front of hi, not in front of anyone. But he was right. What was I thinking?

'Sasuke..' he started and came closer, lifting my hand away from my face and grabbing to my chin to get a better look at my face. I opened my eyes and stared into his concerned blue sapphires. He seemed to be looking, searching for anything, any answer he could get. ' Please, you are like a brother to me, I don't want to hurt you..' he stated and I knew he was being honest. And I was being selfish again, as I always have been.

' I never expected for you to love me back. ' I finally chocked out breaking eye contact as it had started to be more and more uncomfortable. ' I just, never knew .. You rejecting me in my face would hurt this much..' I said before i realized what I was saying. I cursed myself for saying what i did, making myself seem vulnerable in front of him. I did not want him to feel bad because of this. It's not like there was anything wrong with him for choosing a beautiful girl, like Sakura instead of his best friend. His male best friend. His gay best friend. If anyone was having problems it was me, and I knew it.

' Sasuke.. I..really am sorry' he said concern very evident in his voice as he turned to see Sayuri staring wide-eyed at the two of us. Dejectedly I turned over to look at her as well. Our eyes met and I saw concern in those big beautiful eyes of hers. The concern of an innocent child, who did not know what love meant and truly had no idea what rejection meant. Silently I made a mental note to self, never to allow her to have to face these kinds of things on her own.

'Sasuke-niisan' she squealed before running toward me and hugging me by my waist. ' I'm sorry' she mumbled into my pants as I softly patted her head.

'It's alright beauty. You did well. We had to talk about it sooner or later anyway, you know?' Naruto replied instead of me, bending down and playfully, gently poking her cheeks as she flushed and hid her face once again.

Then he straightened himself and looked me in the eyes, regret clear in his gaze.

'Are we okay,Sasuke?' he asked as if unsure he wanted to hear the reply.

' I don't know.' I answered truthfully as I kept caressing Sayuri's cheek with my left hand, the right one shoved deeply into my pockets.

'I don't want to lose you..again. ' Naruto whispered, and I looked up at him realizing that he feared that he had just destroyed our friendship. I was really, totally bummed.

I loved the have. And having him reject me hurt just like Itachi's death or the death of my clan had. Whatnot, it was more vivid than any of those and it made my heart clench.

'Sasuke..' he started but I waved him off.

' You know the way out.' I deadpanned and he just stared at me wide-eyed. I couldn't do this. Not now. Not when every little part of me screamed that I would never be able to get over him, that I wanted him, wanted him so badly to be mine it hurt to the very essence of my being.

He just stared then slowly bent down kissing Sayuri on the cheek and left the house without another word. I figured it was for the best since I did not know what to say to him either way. He just made it easier for the bot of us, really. It was hard enough as it was.

As soon as I hear the door slam I instructed Sayuri back to the table and I started having breakfast as well. She just kept looking at me worried, and I smiled a few soft and small smiles as if to reassure her that everything was fine. Maybe I was just trying to reassure myself.

Later that day I found that Tsunade was expecting me. Trusting Sayuri to take care of herself in the Uchiha district and find something to distract herself with I slowly walked along the streets of the village I tried so hard to forget, the village I hated so fucking much. Sighing I made my way through the mass of people walking around chaotically in the small streets of the village, to the Hokage tower and made my way up, still deeply lost in thought and shooting death-glares at anyone who dared stare at me for more than two seconds. I may have been a traitor and I may have done my fair share of killing but these people, they had no right to judge me. No right at all.

I knocked on the door, hearing her mumble something under her breath I let myself in without no further ado. I cursed myself when i saw Sakura and Naruto standing there along with Kakashi. Naruto and Sakura turned to me and the look in Sakura's eyes, that all-knowing sad gaze made it clear to me that the idiot had told her everything. " Just fucking great" I thought bitterly. " All I need is her starting on her fucking ' I'm so-so sorry Sasuke-kun you'll find someone else' speech and I'm really going to attempt suicide."

'You sure took your time getting here, you rbat' she growled at me making me smirk in satisfaction.

' Why, should have I hurried up a bit? ' I bit back, venom in my voice.

' Sasuke. You're watch your mouth' Kakashi interjected and I sent him an annoyed glare.

' I'm not thirteen anymore, Kakashi. And more importantly I'm not your student anymore so don't you try and discipline me' I told him coolly, turning my gaze to Tsunade. ' So speak, what do you want from me?' I asked her non-chalantly

'Sasuke-kun!' I heard Sakura gasp and I made a barely audible snort. "Little bitch." I thought without even realizing. I did not want to hate her but it was happening and I made no attempt to stop it whatsoever.

' Yeah, yeah, you brat. You and your pride. Tch ' Tsunade said her gaze softening as she waved toward Sakura not to bother with me. "How nice of her to do so." 'it's about your former team-mates, Uchiha they have been acting up. I'm sending the four of you on a mission to capture them and bring them back to Konoha' She said

'Right' the three beside me said as i only coked and eyebrow at her.

'And why would I do that?' I asked in a cheeky way. There was no way i'd make Suigetsu's and Juugos life hell by forcing them to come to Konoha. They had no reason whatsoever to come anyway. They were not leaf ninja.

' Sasuke, stop' Naruto instructed me in a serious tone. I could tell he was walking on egg-shells around me.

'Shut up, usuratonkachi' i snapped glaring daggers at him. ' Why the fuck should I go? First of all they are not leaf shinobi, you have no authority over them, secondly, it's not like I came back so willingly, why would I make their lives hell as well? Hmm?' I could hear Sakura and Naruto wincing as I said my life was hell back here, but I didn't care, I wanted to hate them, maybe that would make forgetting about the feelings I had for Naruto easier as well. I knew I was being childish but i wouldn't admit to that. Not in a million years. Not in front of them. ' Furthermore, I have a little girl to look after. And i'm not leaving her with just about any stranger. That being said i'm leaving. ' I said, not even waiting for a reply as I turned on my heels and walked gracefully towards the door.

'Just wait you bastard of a child. Don't you dare turn your back on me. I'm the Hokage' Tsunade snapped hitting her desk with all her might. ' I will arrange Iruka to look after the child but you are going to go on this mission regardless of your wishes. ' I turned to her staring at her with all the hate I could accumulate at the time. ' I fucking know' she continued ' of your little crush on Naruto.' she said through gritted teeth and I snapped my eyes furiously toward Naruto who started fidgeting and blushing and mumbling things under his breath and Sakura who just stood there biting her lip.

'Tsunade-sama that's private' Sakura stated just pointing out the obvious,

' Yeah Baa-chan drop it..' Naruto whispered.

' I'm not going to fucking drop it. If this prick thinks he can ruin your happiness before your wedding with this than he is lower than I thought. ' she shouted pointing at me.

' What?' I snapped shouting angrily at them. ' Seriously? Fuck! '' I stomped back to stand beside them breathing heavily. ' Seriously, Naruto?' I shouted looking at him. ' I fucking told you it was not about that you fucking dead-last!'

'Then what is it about Sasuke-kun, because I really don't understand!' Sakura shouted, tears making their way down her cheeks. ' Why now? Why?'

' I.. Jesus Fuck! ' I shouted slamming my fist on the desk, shutting my eyes trying to calm down.

' I fucking trusted you, Naruto and you go around telling everyone? ' I asked between ragged breaths.

'I'm sorry.' he said looking at me ' I did not know what to do, I told Sakura, she just thought what I told you everyone would think..' he said guilt filling his voice.

'Fucking figures' I whispered feeling slight wetness on my shirt. I glanced only to see that the fabric of my shirt had gotten all bloody. My wound must have snapped open when I hit the desk.

'Whats that Uchiha?' Tsunade asked cocking her eyebrows, noticing even though I had tried to hid it.

'Nothing.' I answered feeling the other three's gaze on me.

' Nothing my ass.' Naruto stated his voice trembling. ' What have you don to yourself this time?' he asked and I knew he was pissed.

'Nothing that would concern you.' I spat.

' I fucking care about you, you fucking bastard' he shouted next and I really felt the need to punch him. ' The fact that you told me that you are in love with me did not change anything. I still want you to be my best man and I still love you. ' He said as my eyes darted on his face as he said the three last words. The sounded to good coming from him and I cursed myself for wanting him, for needing him so bad.

He realized what he said and corrected himself as Sakura turned wide jade eyes to look at him. ' I love you, you bastard, but I am not in love with you. I'm sorry. ' he said apologetically. I knew he meant it and I wanted to stop being to damn selfish just for the sake of them. But I couldn't help but feel that losing him meant loosing any touch with reality. I might as well be dead then.

' I don't need your pity Tsunade. I don't need you to send us on a mission together thinking it will make us solve whatever problems we have. I know Naruto does not love me back and I don't give a fucking shit about what all of you think.' I said calming myself down and sinking into my self-pity, hoping the others would not hear it in my voice. ' I acknowledge their love, I'm still going to be your best man, Naruto, and i'm as happy as I can be for you.' I said turning to look at them, Sakura crying silently, her eyes filled with worry. ' But doing this won't change a damn thing. It won't change my feelings. I-I'm sorry.' i said and silence filled the room, just before Sakura spun me around and hugged me, sobbing into my chest.

'I.. I just.. Sasuke-kun' she cried and I felt bad for having her feel this way. It was all my fault, not theirs.

' It's okay, Sakura. It's fine.' I tried to sound convincing as I turned to look at Naruto. Blue and black eyes met as we stared into each others eyes for a long time.

' Do you, hate me?' she asked between sobs and Naruto came forward hugging his bride.

' You did nothing wrong babe..' he whispered into her hair pulling her out of my arms and hugging her himself while still staring into my eyes.

I found I could no longer hold the eye contact and just spun around and left.

All I really wanted to do was get a kunai and go kill myself somewhere where no one would find me. But no. I had to wait until the wedding.

Silently I walked back to the compound the same way I had walked to the tower, lost in my thoughts.

Thoughts of Sayuri, of my family, of Kakashi, Tsunade, Sakura and most importantly, Naruto.