Jake is not desperate. He is not. He just happened to stumble across an online dating site and think, "Why not?" This does not mean he can't get chicks. He's JWitz. JWitz routinely gets chicks. He just…well…can't at the moment.

To be honest, Jake was a bit too excited about the prospect of meeting someone online. How funny would it be if a woman who showed interest in him on the site turned out to have been in college with him, or someone he talked to on the subway but didn't really know, or something exciting like that. Yes, the prospects were endless.

What Jake didn't count on was the fact that no one would show any interest in him at all.

He would sit around refreshing the website at work, and no new requests would ever pop up. He started thinking that maybe he had screened his profile, or the picture of him happened to be not his best, or the site was having issues. But eventually he came to the conclusion that no woman on the site was interested in contacting him.

It was depressing. He had hoped that he would have a bunch of dates lined up right away, no one woman knowing about any of the others. He would have had it made. But instead he found himself stuck in his usual routine, which unfortunately involved a lot of time with Amir.

Every time Jake would check the website while Amir was around, he would yell at Jake, saying that he was too good for all the women or some gay-sounding shit like that. Jake would try to ignore him, but he had been trying to ignore Amir for years and the strategy hadn't yet worked.

With Amir's constant nagging and no responses, he decided one day as he logged onto the site that he was going to delete his profile. What was the point in sticking around? He'd already made a fool of himself on the internet; no need to prolong the agony. But as the site loaded he noticed something at the top of the page. There was a link that said "1 new request."

Jake did a mental dance for joy. He eagerly clicked on the link.

Her name was Tami, and she was 24 and blond. That was all Jake cared about. They made arrangements, after speaking to each other online and over the phone, to meet at a café on a Sunday afternoon.

Jake had been totally confused about what to wear, but had eventually decided on a plain green shirt and jeans. Don't want to look like a commitment-ready freak. He arrived at the café two minutes before the agreed meeting time, hoping to get there first and not make Tami wait around for him. That'd be a total douche move.

She arrived exactly on time. She was dressed in a green blouse and a black-and-white skirt. "Look!" she squealed when she got to their table. "We match! That's a sign." She grinned.

"Umm," Jake said. Then he remembered to smile.

They had ordered coffee and some stupid little pastries and were nearing the end of the food and drinks. Jake wasn't exactly sure what to do now. Despite her slightly creepy comment at the beginning of their date, he really liked her, and she seemed to like him. The conversation between them had been nearly constant and Jake had even had time to crack a few jokes. Tami had laughed at all of them, and she had a very pretty laugh. All in all, Jake was feeling pretty confident, when suddenly he heard a rustle in the bushes behind their little outdoor table.

A familiar, whiny voice said, "Jake."

Shit.

"Umm, who's this?" Tami asked politely.

Amir was standing behind Jake, his hands on Jake's shoulders. Jake was so filled with anger he didn't even think to try to shake them off. "Amir. Go away."

"But Jake!" whined Amir. "You promised we'd go to the Ds today!"

"Can't you see I'm busy?" Jake growled. Amir didn't budge.

"Am I interrupting something?" Tami asked, a tinge of suspicion in her voice.

Jake took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes. "No. No, it's my stupid co-worker who is interrupting us."

"We're not just co-workers, we're BBFs," Amir said.

"Jake, if you already had plans…"

"No, Tami, you are my plans. Please, I mean, I will get rid of him so fast."

"Jake, I think I have to go," Tami said slowly.

"No!" Jake jumped up out of his chair. "Wait."

Tami was collecting her purse. Amir stood next to Jake and attempted to take his hand. Jake swatted him away and moved around the table.

"Jake, it's all right," Tami said. "I must have misread your profile and you were just trying to be nice. I understand."

"What are you talking about?" Jake cried.

"Well, it's obvious you're looking for men, not women, so I'll go. Thanks for being so sweet." She patted his hand and left.

"What? No! Tami!" Jake yelled. She turned a corner and disappeared.

"So, bro," Amir said. "That was harsh, but I'm always here for you, you know? You can count on me. She was a total bitch anyway."

Jake slowly turned around and stared Amir straight in the eyes. "Amir," he said. "I'm going to kill you."