DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from the Naruto universe. This is my Mito, though.

Thinking (+ flashbacks, "Mito speaking to Kurama in her mindscape," etc.)

Emphasis

Bijuu, etc. speaking

Bijuu, etc. thinking

Tsunade had not been happy to be woken in the middle of the night to tend to a drama queen Hokage who had suffered a panic attack.

Now that she was awake and had most of the story, though, she couldn't stop the bubbling laughter that filled her. "You should've known better, Minato."

"She hates me," Minato whined.

"I hate you," Tsunade mostly lied, finally able to stop chuckling about the whole thing. Minato pouted even more: trembling and looking absolutely miserable, making her want to whack him. "Knock it off."

"My daughter thinks I don't want her here! Haven't I proven that I want her here by trying to limit her outside missions?"

Tsunade deadpanned, looking up from reviewing more of Minato's labs, to prove her disbelief. "You made her the Kiri ambassador - and she's a Jonin anyway." Honestly, what an idiot: saying he's limiting her outside missions but making her responsible for peace with the Bloody Damn Mist. "Sitting on her - and demanding questions answered about her personal life - is only going to piss her off. YOU, on the other hand, have been sitting on your ass too long behind that desk," she continued, tapping his chart and the latest labs. "If you don't get more exercise and knock off the salt, I'll have to start you on blood pressure medicine. We'll look at it again in a month."

Minato barely heard her although something in the back of his mind did register something about not eating salt, which meant not eating ramen, and so that wasn't going to happen. He didn't get it. "She said that I've never been comfortable with her in the village."

"Well, as a toddler and preschooler, you did send Mito out of the safety of her home village during a war, and then let her get exiled for a decade after she'd been out in the field training for years. I can see where she'd get that."

Minato hoped that Mito didn't really feel that way; that she'd only been irate. But she'd looked so hurt before he asked her to go. "It was for her safety when she was little. She got kidnapped here and Kushina and I were rarely ever home." And why was tiny Mito so gosh darned curious about the Forest of Death?

"We both know you like her here in Konoha. Buuuut," Tsunade began the word dramatically, "I think you're afraid of her."

Minato's breath caught. "She's a very strong kunoichi. I RESPECT strong kunoichis and shinobis; I do not fear them. It's the seal I worry about."

Tsunade rolled her eyes. "She's controlled that seal for over a decade now. Get a grip." Minato grumbled something that she couldn't and didn't want to make out.

"She talks to that damn fox. And he talks back!"

"Yes. And I'm grateful to him," Tsunade said plainly, shocking her patient. "Mito said that he's saved her life more than once." He saved more than that, too - and he did it when the fox didn't have to. Minato looked thoughtful which was irritating since they'd talked about this many times before. "I'll say it again: you don't bring someone in to report in the middle of the night and demand answers about her sex life! Had it been me, I would've put my foot up your ass."

Minato sighed miserably and looked away from the testy, (overly-strong,) older woman. He'd only wanted to see Mito last night when he overheard that she has returned from Kiri. But then when he saw her, he felt like he should get the bad stuff over with; what a mistake. The only reason he'd talk to Tsunade about any of this is that he believed Mito might talk to her, too.

Oh, right: and Tsunade had also been angry with him for "being a baby" about my possible heart attack and demanded answers. He needed someone he could trust to speak with about this, regardless. "She could've been with a foreign nin, Tsunade."

"So what? I've been with foreign nins. I wouldn't doubt that at least half your forces have, too."

"But Mito's the jinchuuriki." She's my daughter.

She's your "tool for the village," Tsunade thought bitterly. What would Kushina think of that reasoning, Minato? Tsunade knew what Kushina would do: Kushina would've kicked his ass. "Are you going to be the same overbearing father with Naruto when he's out doing who knows what on missions?"

She bet he wouldn't. The double standard wasn't fair but it was what it was. Mito was proud of her girls for being strong; for never being afraid of overpowering a man.

"It's not as dangerous for Naruto." Minato also couldn't imagine Naruto doing that. Naruto was just a kid and he wanted to be Hokage. Someone seeking out a position like his had to be more careful.

Tsunade wanted to laugh at him but she found the difference and sexism very off-putting. She also sure that she wasn't she was buying Minato's innocent act. -Sue her: Tsunade had learned to be a very suspicious woman. "You know: you wanted Naruto to harness the fox's power for the stupid Chunin Exams. Yet you don't want Mito to do the same!"

"Their seals are different. Mito's primary seal is a mess and we knew we were going to have trouble in the village."

"And you and The Pervert decided to open Naruto's seal up."

We only wanted to nudge it open a little. "There are dangers out there, Tsunade. Naruto's YOUNG and the Akatsuki… I don't like what I'm hearing. He needs the fox's power. You're right about Mito being able to handle herself but Naruto's just learning techniques that might protect him. He has no real experience..."

"Fine. We'll agree to disagree on (many) things," Tsunade snarked, although she didn't agree with Minato on much. "You're off for the next two days; no paperwork: no NOTHING for at least 24 hours. MY ORDERS!"

"I can't go that long without being in the office!"

"And you need to get your ass out there and train more or at least exercise, Minato! Your numbers are all going in the wrong direction and you're getting older!"

"I'm still in the prime of my career." Minato was sure of it! How dare she?

"Did you listen to anything I said earlier?"

"..."

"Don't make me cut you," Tsunade finally threatened.

Minato gaped at her but knew he should've expected something like this. Not that it means I won't sic a toad on her when she least expects it.

- Train more, my ass. He did train! "Yes, I heard you."

"Limit the salt and get out of my hospital! –But don't think for a second that I won't put your ass in here and tie you up if I find out that you're working!"

Minato groaned and flashed away in his hospital gown.
Maybe he could use a day off. And he certainly didn't want to spend any more time with Tsunade.

Genma sighed as he looked at the woman sleeping fitfully next to her mother's grave. "What's up with you, Pretty Girl?" He came to the cemetery to visit his father and look at what he found.

Genma tried to wake her and realized that Mito was shivering in her sleep. It was a cold morning. Konoha had great, mild weather but maybe they'd get some snow this winter? Genma really liked the snow and the holidays in general.

He covered Mito with his jacket and decided to take her home. When he realized that part of Mito's hair was wet, he let out a "tsk."

"Hmm? Oh!"

"It's alright, Mito; it's Genma. I got ya. I'm gonna take you back home, okay?" Mito had barely recognized him before she went nearly limp again.

She's out so quickly? Man, how hard is it to deal with those Kiri bastards?! He jumped into a tree, carrying the kunoichi princess style. Princess-style for a wannabe-NOT-princess. Gazing back and forth at her face as he took a couple of more leaps toward her place, he thought that it looked like she'd been crying AND needed a lot more sleep.

Mito was always so pretty with nice clear skin and cheeks that were usually pink thanks to being out in the sun or running around. Unless she's tomato-red, blushing her head off. Genma chuckled to himself, wondering if Mito hated tomatoes as much as her mother did.

He tried not to wonder about who she'd been seeing recently.

Talking about her mother was what had brought them closer a few months back. Mito, he thought, was a lot like her mother. "Hey, Mito: wake up," he said gently as he put her down. Mito almost tumbled out of his arms. "Wow. You are really tired!"

"Yeah," Mito murmured in embarrassment. "I'm sorry." It took her a second to remember what had just happened - and to remember that she'd fallen asleep in the cemetery. Geez; she'd been so mad at Rika - and so angry and disgusted with herself. Plus, all the stuff she'd said to her father was so completely humiliating! She needed to learn to better control her temper. "Thank you. Mmmm… Everything okay with work and stuff?"

Did my father say anything to you?

"I got a surprise day off!"

"No kidding?" Mito grinned shyly, surprised by that but covering her mouth, fearing that she'd blast him with morning breath. "Thanks again for your help." Even more thankfully, Genma didn't seem to be treating her any differently. That was a huge relief. Maybe her not-so-secret deadly (for her) secret wasn't as well-known or gossiped about as she had feared. "I'd invite you in but I need to either sleep or train. I'm scheduled to work at the hospital tonight."

"It's fine," Genma said easily. "You need to rest, Mito. You look beat!"

"Yeah, I hadn't slept until a few hours ago, and um…"

"Don't worry about it. Go inside and get warm, hm? I was going to ask you if you wanted to train with me later but I'll take a raincheck, ne?"

"Oh!" Genma was always so nice. She unwrapped his nice-smelling leather jacket from her shoulders and handed it back to him. "Thanks for taking care of me - and sure. I'd really like that raincheck." She was surprised that he wanted to train with her. She had become known to be quite the hellacious, roughhousing bitch when she sparred with other Jonins.

"Any time: whenever you're up for it. Ja!"

Mito breathed a happy sigh of relief, and went back inside her flat, sealing it up tight.

Many hours later, Mito took over for Tsunade at the hospital; today was Shizune's day off. Mito's upper lip kept twitching as her godmother/shishou/boss kept looking at her and smirking.

Now that they had smartphones, Tsunade wanted to inventory their stock and all of their records. They had an app that supposedly assisted with those things but the whole process was still a pain in the ass.

They'd come up with a list of who and what to prioritize because transferring data from paper was going to be a massive chore. The hospital did have old computers but even the phones they had allowed more comprehensive abilities to track patients, diseases, etc. than they'd had before. If they didn't get new computers and stuff soon, Mito decided she was going to lift stuff from Kiri.

Proving, once and for all, that I am a terrible ambassador!

Finally, she got sick of Tsunade's staring. "What? Why don't you go home instead of trying to get me to say something?"

"Rude. –And I didn't say anything."

Oh, Tsunade looked way too cocky, Mito thought. "You might as well say it: whatever it is that's on your mind." For a while, Tsunade hummed in a sing-song voice that to Mito, sounded like even more trouble. You're just being paranoid. Paranoia plus her renewed, reinvigorated sensing capabilities was an anxiety-producing pain in the butt (plus a bunch of tails that she might know of.) Hell, just wandering around the hospital - never mind in the village - was a pain in her much too sensitive ass.

Tsunade shut the door to the supply room they were in. "So clones, huh?"

Mito blinked but didn't rise to the bait - although her heart sped up quite a bit. Thank God for small favors, she was positive that no one had been around when she went off on her father the previous night. "I'm having trouble making or keeping them going."

Tsunade immediately became serious, all thoughts of teasing her adult goddaughter who she HOPED was (finally) happily, sexually active gone for the moment. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I mean, I still have a few dozen or so going right now but I was making hundreds of them before."

"That's still a LOT." Mito only shrugged as she kept working. Knowing Mito, Tsunade figured that she'd already evaluated herself. "And making hundreds of them is insane. What do you think is the problem? –Your theory?"

Mito sighed, glad Tsunade bought into this or that she was only being paranoid. Tsunade had often commented that Mito had too many clones going - and Tsunade didn't know the half of it. Or it was more like her godmother didn't know even a FRACTION of how many she previously had going at any given time. "Naruto can make over a thousand clones; no sweat. It's crazy!"

"But we're talking about you," Tsunade said unnecessarily. "For whatever reason, Naruto doesn't recall his clone's memories when he makes that many. I questioned him about it, believing his brain would figuratively - or even literally - explode with all of that new information but you're right: he didn't break a sweat about it. Nor did he remember anything unusual. Or anything at ALL from the clones."

Mito shook her head. "Something's really wrong with that jutsu!"

"And yet you use it like mad."

"Meh. I'm an Uzumaki. A lazy Uzumaki: my clones can do stuff I don't want to."

"I use them to clean my house," Tsunade admitted.

You use Shizune to clean your house! Shizune needed to get a grip. She had her own flat but she still went over to Tsunade's a lot and almost always ended up dusting, vacuuming, and reorganizing Tsunade's things. Shizune liked doing mundane things like that, though: things that she and Tsunade found annoying. Shizune said that it helped her destress.

"So," Tsunade said benignly and paused for effect. "You're fucking your clones, eh?" Mito dropped the tray of epi-pens she'd been holding. Tsunade threw her head back and laughed at her. Then she laughed at her some more.

"He. Told. You," Mito said, her hair beginning to fly in the air. Tsunade bonked her on the head. "Oww!"

Tsunade frowned at her: Mito's hair was still flying around and made her look like a particularly deranged lion, especially with her cute little white whisker marks. "I forced it out of him when our pansy of a Hokage thought he was having a heart attack."

"Oh my God: is he okay!?" But her father had to be, right? I mean, Tsunade isn't standing here in a kage cloak so he has to be okay! "Oh, God, what did I do?!"

"You gave him a wake-up call. More importantly, though: what's the real story?"

"Oh, God."

"C'mon, Mito-chan! Don't leave a disguised but still young woman hanging! Who are you sleeping with?"

"NO ONE." Absolutely no one.

"Well, most men are pigs, Mito, but they are useful."

"Wonderful," Mito snarked in a barely heard murmur as she crawled around, picking up the dropped thin boxes so that she could put them back where they belonged. "Making me wear a dress and dumb haori," she continued complaining in a low voice. It was a total drag to try to keep her dress from wrinkling or something else troublesome while she crawled around. This would not be a problem if she was in uniform. Her uniform had knee pads!

"Seriously, Badass," Tsunade redirected, smiling again at Mito's silly haori. "What's the story? I know you were lying."

"Why do you think that?"

"You've had trouble with BDD: Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Someone who's dealt or is dealing with that is highly unlikely to want to screw their clones."

"Body Dysmorphic Disorder, my giant ass," Mito continued, not hiding what she was saying anymore. Tsunade only snorted.

"You know, now that I think about it; screwing your clones might be a very good therapy for BDD."

Mito sweatdropped. Thank God Tsunade had not chosen to run clinical trials as a specialization because people would be trying out all the weird shit she came up with - especially when she was drunk - all over the continent.

And as a therapy for BDD?! Mito could only imagine someone with BDD that had cellulite, for example, seeing it and losing their shit, thinking they weren't attractive anymore. Mito thanked airbrushed skinny models in magazines for that crap. She was grateful that she might have bouncy buns but she didn't have cellulite - although maybe she should recheck... "I consider myself to be Test Subject One, then. – So, you're welcome."

"Ha! No seriously. If you're not screwing someone, how did you get the hickeys?"

Once again, Mito wanted to murder her father. "Unbelievable." It took her a few seconds to remember her other explanation. "It was a zit."

"A zit?" Tsunade began chuckling again. Although Mito sounded convincing, the younger Jonin was so red-faced, Tsunade thought her dual-toned little head might blow.

"Yep," Mito replied, turning away and cursing her tendency to blush for the millionth time. "I had a big ol' nasty zit and that's that. Don't make me talk about my goddamn skin!"

Tsunade raised an eyebrow. Just like her grandmother and Kushina, Tsunade knew that for whatever reason, the fox kept Mito's skin nearly flawless aside from whatever scars they may have had from before they took on their burdens. (Plus a few that Mito got that when she didn't have access to the fox's chakra for too long.) "Try again, kid. Too many people know that you have flawless skin. Aside from that one nasty scar: we need to do something about that."

Surprisingly, Mito agreed to another "touch-up." That gave Tsunade hope!

.

By the time Tsunade left for the night, however, she'd gotten at least part of the story out of Mito. The idea that someone DARED to threaten her goddaughter somehow made her want to go on a killing spree no matter how much Mito tried to say that wasn't quite what had happened. It was obviously close enough! She wanted to pry the truth out of Mito about who this guy was - and what exactly happened - but finally saw how just how fearful Mito was about it and had reluctantly sworn herself to secrecy.

Goddammit. Why couldn't anything go right for that girl?

Later, sitting with a drink in her hand at home, she came up with a plan. She was going to get Mito a boyfriend! A nice boyfriend!

Shizune-chan had two of them; why couldn't she and Mito get a couple, each, too?

.

Omake -

"So what are you doing for Valentine's Day, Mito-chaaan?" Shizune sang as waltzed into work. She pouted cutely at the younger kunoichi when Mito only scowled at her. "You have to buy your sweethearts a gift!" Mito let out a low groan. "Seriously! Or buy something for someone you like!"

"Easy for you to say," Mito muttered as they turned toward the locker room. "You've got two boyfriends."

Yes, when Shizune told her that she was dating Iwashi and Raido, Mito had been shocked but was very happy for her. It's always the quiet ones. "I don't have anyone to buy for." So why spend the money?

"You're not going to get Tenzo-kun something?"

Or "Zabby-kun?" –Shizune wasn't going to mention him; she liked living. Mess with The Reaper and The Demon of the Mist even jokingly? No thanks.

But God knows Mito obviously likes him.

OR maybe Mei-sama, come to think of it.

Mito really liked the Bloody Damn Mist or the ninjas in it. They were pretty hot - except for that Lord Ao.

Mito hung her haori in her locker. "Ha. I'm afraid the Good Ship Tenzo has sailed."

"Ah." That was probably for the best, Shizune thought. Tenzo needed to get on with his architectural life with someone less hyper, overbearing, and superpowered. Mito needed to get on with her life of scaring people with someone less freaked out by her occasional bouts of lunacy - and of Hatake. Speaking of…

"How about Kakashi-kun? Or Genma-kun? Or um, Gai-kun? Or Ibiki or Ensui-san?! You run around with them or see them often, don't you?" From what Shizune had seen, Genma and Kakashi also had a way about that that seemed to calm Mito down. Either that or they ignored her special brand of insanity (or maybe even enjoyed it.)

Gai, on the other hand, had a way of winding Mito up even more. Then, of course, there was the "other thing" with Gai that was pretty damn important. She was only mentioning Gai to keep him in the mix.

Ibiki, she'd only heard about, and Ensui… Well, Shizune wasn't sure about him - although his ass and muscles were incredible.

.

Mito wasn't sure where Shizune got the Ibiki idea since most of their shared work was done in his office with Anko and Asuma. Ensui, on the other hand, occasionally gave Mito the creeps although she generally liked the ANBU Vice Commander.

Mito shook her head. "That means I'd have to spend money. Plus, even if I did like one of them, they'd - or he'd- probably make fun of me for giving them something."

Shizune hummed. "A lot of shinobis get loads of gifts. Ha," she laughed fondly, "It always drives Ayame crazy." Shizune winced and shirked back, trying to get away from the younger woman who had picked her up and was gripping her arms, shaking her wildly as she hopped in a circle. "MIIII-TO!"

"Sorry, sorry," Mito said fakely, dancing back and forth like a kid even after she put Shizune down. "You basically admitted that it's Ayame that Gai's with," she whispered gleefully.

"I said no such thing," Shizune bit out, grabbing Mito and shaking her back. Mito was still grinning like a maniac: that brat. "It's a secret, you baka!"

"I know; I know. I think it's nice! I promise I'll never say anything to anyone. Hey, is Lee secretly their kid?" Mito ducked under Shizune's hard punch. Nice try, though, nee-chan.

"Of course, he's not." Shizune was pretty sure of that anyway, although…

Back to the subject at hand rather than pondering whether or not Ayame and Gai already had a secret, (oh, wait: teenage? No, sadly that can't be) child, Shizune asked, "What about that guy at the Temple? The cute bald one."

"Oh, HELL NO!"

"Alriiiiiight," Shizune drawled in a low voice after a beat, wondering where that reaction came from. It was certainly interesting.

Mito laughed awkwardly. "It seems wrong to give what could be construed as a romantic gift to a monk, Shizune."

"I suppose…"

Mito needed to get her gossipy older sister off of this subject! "What's this about the guys getting lots of gifts?" And why did that make Mito want to go on a killing spree, especially when it came to one or two of them?

Or a few of them, actually.

"They're very sought-out bachelors. A lot of women want to be the new Shirunai or Hatake clan matriarch, for instance."

"Gross." Mito didn't like that. Those guys were her friends; she'd have to protect them from the sluts out to take advantage of their big, nice (Genma) or black (Kakashi) hearts.

"Very," Shizune half-agreed. If one of those power-hungry women was successful with either of those two - Genma and Kakashi were definitely the most sought-after of the bunch she'd mentioned - it's not like they'd be "mothering" a big clan. Shirunai still had family that was alive but Hatake didn't have anyone. "You want to hear what's really gross?"

Mito nodded eagerly because, of course, she did.

Shizune smirked and continued. "The Yamanaka guys get so many gifts, they end up handing them out to other girls like one of those Bad Santa things on White Day. And then they still have gifts left over!"

Mito was astounded. "Those men could melt their minds! –Shizune!" Mito looked around as if a Yamanaka could pop up in the women's locker room at any moment. "Are a lot of people brought in for some kinda Yamanaka brain bullshit after Valentine's and White Day?"

"Oh, sure. It's a problem. I mean, I GET that the Yamanakas are good-looking people but supposedly a lot of women break into their compound! That's why we're all on deck tomorrow. Beginning at midnight, tonight, it's what we at the hospital call 'The YeaRNing: the Yamanaka Revenge Night' - although it goes on for a few days."

Mito thought that Shizune was just being funny.

- Not so much that night when she was explaining to her sixth patient what a "rare but treatable condition" amnesia was, though.

Fortunately, the disorder resolved itself in most of those (apparently earlier mentally-unwell, willing to get cozy with a scary Yamanaka) women soon after.

"Your father gets so many gifts, they wind up piling up outside his office."

"Hmm. I guess I need to fuck some bitches up," Mito clapped automatically before rethinking that. One, she wasn't speaking to her father - and her father, thankfully, wasn't speaking to her. Two, if her father got a good girlfriend gift, then maybe he'd wind up forever getting off her back. "That's ballsy."

Mito would like to think that she was normally ballsy but couldn't imagine putting herself out there to a guy with a regular job, let alone someone like Overlord Flashy Flash.

At that very moment, the Hokage sneezed and BARELY dodged a deadly projectile that flew in through his window. He jumped up, and looking out the window, realized that it really had been Mikoto who had thrown that box at him.

Opening it up, he wondered if the knife that was inside was a threat or had a nicer meaning.
Either way, it was scary.

.

Later, Mito watched in amusement as Kakashi handed off loads of the chocolates he'd been given earlier to everyone else at their large table. Anko looked like a chipmunk with all of those chocolates in her mouth.

Then again, so did she.

Mito snorted as she felt Kurenai put up another genjutsu. The gal walking toward them turned and walked away, looking concussed. "I don't get why anyone would buy Asuma, of all people, a Valentine's Day present!"

"I don't either," Kurenai lied. Asuma huffed at both of them - but gave his secret girlfriend a wink.

Everyone else at the table rolled their eyes. Those two were so obvious.

Mito soon realized, though, that Shizune had been right.

It was more than weird watching one supposedly shy woman after another walk up to her friends with gifts. Since she arrived, there were only a few that had the guts to ask them to "be my Valentine." Kakashi had thrown a shuriken at one of them (the older kunoichi kept it after the weapon hit her in the bicep; Mito guessed the chick wanted a souvenir) from behind his book. Kakashi was now muttering curses that someone refused to give back his weapon.

For some reason, the whole thing was making her stomach and chest hurt; her muscles were even beginning to contract.

Genma thought it was funny. He opened another gift, found another pair of frilly panties, and closed it before anyone could see.

The last straw for Mito was when some Yamanaka woman that looked like a taller, even more beautiful version of Ino-chan came up and passed out gifts to all of the men at the table.

"Won't you be my Valentines?" she purred in a silky voice.

Konoha's "Princess" hair flew out in all directions.

Yeah. Mito surprised her.

"I'm gonna fuck you up." Within seconds, Mito dragged the possibly skanky ho out of the restaurant with her chains after shouting at everyone else to "BACK THE FUCK OFF!"

.

Fifteen minutes later, she returned with brand new kunais with sloppy little bows tied around the handles that she tossed at them harshly (and accurately.) "Happy Valentine's Day, you assholes!"

"Awwwww," Anko cooed, watching her friend stomp out of the izakaya with a bright red face. "I think she likes you!"

...

"Shit. She left without paying her part of the tab!"

The remaining Jonins began sunshinning out, leaving Asuma to foot another giant bill. "That brat is getting an ass-pounding for V-Day."

"Mmmmm," Kurenai whispered into his ear, whining a little, "but that's what I wanted, Big A."

Asuma's cigarette fell out of his mouth.