Chapter 16
They ate huddled up in the couch, occationally interrupted by stray thoughts. Noli was right, it wasn't the kind of food you had because you were hungry; it took ages, picking off leaf by leaf and dipping it in butter before gnawing off the meaty bottom part, and once they were done there was plenty of room left for cookies.
"I feel like a high school sweetheart from the fifties", said Noli as she carried them in on a big plate. "I made you some cookies, Danny", she said in a breathless voice, making big eyes at him.
Daniel chuckled.
"Gee, I guess I'll have to pin you for that."
For a second he held his breath, but the mock shock Noli was expressing at the doublesided expression told him there was no point feeling embarrassed.
Nibbling on a home made cookie, he was again struck by the feeling of homeyness - and normality. As on the first evening they had spent together at the bar, and other occasions after that, Noli seemed to have the ability to put the troubles they faced at the SGC aside when she wasn't there - in essence, regard it as work. On his account, thoughts of problems in dire need of solving rarely left his mind.
"How do you do it?" he asked. Noli looked at him, waiting for the rest of the question. "Keep your free time so... free. How do you not worry about work when you're off?"
"Who says I don't?", she answered, giving him a meaning look. "I love what we do", she continued, "we're all part of something huge - you guys especially, I mean you're literally saving the world first hand, time and again, and I'm in some way helping... I hope... And it makes me extatic, and it makes me scared shitless. Believe me, it's on my mind." She paused for a moment, looking at her hands. "I'm good at compartmentalizing, you probably noticed." Daniel smiled and nodded - he'd seen her talking to Sam about intricate problems, and suddenly changing the subject to deliver an analysis of the complicated electronics she'd been holding, revealing she'd been going through it's molecular structure the whole time. That kind of multitasking had almost been uncanny in the beginning, but most people she worked with had all gotten used to it and Daniel loved it when she would mess with the people who hadn't.
Noli's expression was filled with tenderness when she added: "What I don't understand is how you all keep sane." In her heart she was referring mainly to Daniel, whose commitment to his work would sometimes border on the unhealthy as he couldn't help getting emotionally involved. He so badly wanted to help...
Daniel looked a little hesitant before he spoke.
"You know I... died, right?"
Noli nodded slightly. "I never asked you about it, because it seems like such an impossible thing to describe."
Most people that had asked about his death and ascension, had given him the dreaded question: "What was it like?" and were always disappointed when there was nothing he could tell them. He had been half expecting Noli to pose the question as well, but she never had. Part of him was grateful, but another part had secretly wished for her to, just so that he could see if he would be able to relate any of it to her. Now that he'd brought up the subject himself and had the opportunity, he wasn't sure how to proceed.
"I was gone for a year", he tried, "and when I came back... when they found me... I didn't want to go back with them. I was scared. I had no idea what kind of person I'd been or what we'd been doing... But Sam convinced me, told me I was... well, good basically. Then as time went by I started remembering everything. I've only got a couple of blanks left, I think. And, uh... I realised that what we do is too important, to just leave, I can do more here than I could as an ascended being. So I'm glad I came back."
He had been talking to the couch, and when he looked up Noli was beaming at him.
"Honey!", she said happily. "You're a bodhisattva!"
Daniel stared at Noli for a moment. He wasn't sure what he had expected, but that wasn't it. It was so... right. No one before had compared him to a "bodhisattva" - someone reaching enlightenment and having the ability to ascend to a higher plane of existance, but chosing to stay on Earth to help others. Now that Noli had, he didn't know why he hadn't thought of it himself. To suddently have a simple name that expressed exactly what he'd been through - except that he hadn't exactly chosen to descend back to Earth himself - felt like finding a place where he belonged after a long search. One still point in a world of turmoil. He let out a quick, surprised laugh while Noli leaned over and gave him a heartfelt hug. He then fell back into his seat, washed over by the liberating wave of discovery usually reserved for solving puzzles or translations. He couldn't for the life of him understand why he'd never thought of the comparison himself.
Noli didn't quite pull back, but reached out and wiped a bit of flour from his cheek looking confused. She made the connection and felt her own face, finding the smudges of flour still on her skin.
"Hey! Bod! You let me sit here all evening like this?"
Daniel, staring into space, swayed his head in her general direction and saw what she was referring to.
"Oh... I forgot." He looked sheepishly at her for two seconds, then the corners of his mouth pulled apart all on their own. Noli barked a little laugh and threw her hand over her mouth, and the sparkle in her eyes that told Daniel she would forgive him for anything, always.
An hour later they had been talking through the circumstances around Daniel's ascension, as well as some interesting aspects of eastern philosophy and cookies. They were both tired and Daniel had made it as far as the door, and was putting his coat on. He was still in the middle of a monologue, encouraged by Noli, even though his ramble was even less focused than usual. When they were interrupted by another one of Daniel's big, contagious yawns Noli gave him a sleepy smile.
"Say goodnight and go", she said in a melodic way that sounded vaguely familiar. Daniel gave her a little apologetic smile.
"I'll see you tomorrow. 'Night."
He finally got out the door. As he proceeded on his way home, other words started attaching themselves to the ones Noli had spoken.
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
There was more before those lines, something like
Why'd you have to be something
Something ignore you
Must you make me something something
Right. He knew he recognized them from somewhere. It was a song, of course.
Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
He hummed on the song for a while. It was funny how Noli often did that, found little quotes that suited the situation at hand.
Why'd you have to be so cute
This was somewhat of a lovesong though.
It's bad enough we get along so well
If one was ever to find oneself attracted to anyone one shouldn't fraternize with, these lyrics would describe the problem pretty well.
Say goodnight and go
Daniel's flare for deciphering puzzles kicked in and made him nervous. Could Noli be trying to tell him something? He went through as many of the lines he could remember. They were about infatuation with a friend, wanting something more. Could it be she had some sort of a thing for him?
He thought back on the evening. She hadn't been acting strangely, at least not strangely for Noli. She'd been wearing revealing clothes compared to what she usually put on, but in the privacy of her home that was perfectly normal. And she didn't know he was coming anyway. Unless she had left the bag on purpose and hoped for him to come by with it... But then she had seemed genuinly unprepared for company, unglamorously covered in dough and looking her usual mess. She'd given him that hug, but it wasn't the first one and it hadn't felt different or lingered. Plus, she hugged other people too. So... Nah. Silly Daniel. It was just a song.
A/N: Oh no, another song! This one is Imogen Heap's Goodnight And Go, from the album Speak for yourself, in case you were wondering.