Functioning, Chapter 5

Okay, thank you so much for the good reviews on my last chapter—I totally thought that all the readers would be really grossed out, so I felt kind of bad. Oh, by the way, some of my plot lines actually came from parts of my life… take the Great Tampon War, for example. I'll put in the ends of chapters what I've taken from real life examples. :)

Disclaimer: The usual: I don't own anything but the idea and the plot.

CHAPTER FIVE, START!

Tia Harribel only quirked an eyebrow when she entered the (terrified) Grimmjow's and Nnoitra's room. To no one's surprise, it was still a cottony mess, and Tia had opened the door to innocently explain to the two Espada that it was time for dinner.

And she walked in to find that her "personal belongings" were torn apart and used for… well, to be honest, Tia really didn't want to know. All she could glean from the view was that the fifth and sixth Espada's eyes were the size of tennis balls.

"Ulquiorra did it," Grimmjow blurted, to the still confused female Arrancar. He knew he was probably going to die.

"I do not understand your hobbies," Tia spoke the word as on would say the word manure, "but I will not judge you for them. I merely came to inform you that dinner is almost ready… and that you need to buy more… supplies, in repayment for obliterating mine."

"'Kay," Grimmjow replied, paling at the idea that Tia thought that he was interested in… he couldn't even think it. "But… but those things are not my hob—"

The door slammed shut, much to Grimmjow's horror. He merely sighed and slumped his shoulders, exhausted. It was then that he realized he still had to clean the disgusting mess.

Twenty minutes later, with his and Nnoitra's room spotless, and with a bag being carried carefully between his thumb and forefinger, Grimmjow was almost ready for dinner.

That was, of course, before he smelled what was cooking.

"What…" Nnoitra choked, "what is that terrible smell?"

"I've smelled rotting flesh before, but…" Grimmjow nearly gagged, I think this is worse!"

And there, in the kitchen, stood Szayel Aporro Granz, stirring some foreign substance, sparkling.

Yes, he was indeed, sparkling with joy, grinning and humming as he stirred… the black-ish-brown-green… horror. "Oh, there you are!" Granz waved, still grinning ear to ear, again donning the pink apron. "Go to the dining room, dinner's almost ready!"

Grimmjow and Nnoitra gave each other meaningful looks.

HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO—Page Break—HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO

"So this time, it's cooking?" Ichigo Kurosaki sighed.

"Yes." Grimmjow deadpanned.

"Oh, c'mon, it couldn't have been that bad!" Ichigo argued, wanting to go home.

It was then that Grimmjow showed the Soul Reaper the bowl of living deformity.

Ichigo was silent, his eyes wide. "…Okay, Granz, come 'ere. Let's learn how to make a grilled cheese sandwich."

Half an hour later, there was melted cheese dripping off of the cabinets, flour was sprinkled all over the counters, crushed eggs on the floor, sugar splayed all over the kitchen island, and milk was spilled all over the burner. And, in Ichigo Kurosaki's hand was… something edible looking.

"Well done, Granz," Ichigo panted. He held up the greasy, cheesy monstrosity and nodded, giving the thing a bite. He chewed slowly, while the entire group of Espada—and even Aizen—watched with avid interest. The orange-haired boy nodded, gulping down the food.

"Good job, Granz, and only on your…" Ichigo looked off into the distance, thinking, "uh, eighth try? Yeah, eighth try. Well done."

Granz visually started sparkling, falling on his knees and thanking the exhausted teen. With good reason, too—the first time the boy tried the "grilled cheese," he fainted right then and there—it took a couple minutes to actually wake the boy up.

"Yet another reason for the Espada to thank you, Ichigo Kurosaki," Ulquiorra nodded, staring off into the distance. Grimmjow suddenly got a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, like Ulquiorra was already planning something.

The next day, the bad feeling was proved right.

"Grimmjow."

"Grimmjow, wake up," called a soft voice, followed by the feeling of being poked in the cheek.

"What?" he hissed, swatting at the offending finger, slowly opening his eyes to find… Ulquiorra? Leaning over him? What the fuck?

"It is time that we repay Ichigo Kurosaki for all of his help. I asked for Granz's help already, but he has refused," Ulquiorra deadpanned, as usual.

"Then why the fuck did you ask me? And why are you trying to pay him back in the first place? He already said you didn't have to."

"…I do not enjoy being in debt to trash. And why do you think that our clothes are crisp and clean every day? Because oftrash like him."

"You sound a lot more like a lonely puppy," Grimmjow remarked, sitting up.

Smack.

So, some of the most powerful Arrancars in existence were crouching low in bushes, stalking a teenage boy. And as if that wasn't enough, Grimmjow had a headache, thanks to the Espada next to him. Today was not going to be pleasant.

PAGE BREAK-

"Ichigo!" called an unfamiliar voice to Grimmjow's ears. He was currently huddled behind a telephone pole, listening in on his enemy's conversation.

"What is it, Keigo?" the orange-haired soul reaper spoke back, sounding frustrated.

"I haven't seen you in SO long! Other than you, I'm absolutely friendless, and—hey! Don't just walk by! I was talking, you know!" The boy, 'Keigo,' shouted. Grimmjow hadn't even met the kid, and he hated him already.

"Yeah, yeah, I heard. Now let's just get to school, I don't want to be late. Or get caught by those Hueco Mundo psychos," Grimmjow heard the boy grumble under his breath; and, glancing at Ulquiorra, who was standing, staring blatantly at Ichigo in the middle of the street, Grimmjow had to agree.

He himself was starting to wonder why he was a part of the Espada.

"Hey," Grimmjow heard the annoying squirt 'Keigo' whisper, "look at that chick—she's kinda cute!"

There was silence on Ichigo's part. Worried, Grimmjow peered over to see what was going on. Ichigo's (assumed) friend, Keigo, was pointing down the street…

Straight at Ulquiorra.

HEY, IT'S A PAGE BREAK! ISN'T THAT AWESOME?

"So how did plan 'Stalk Ichigo Kurosaki' go?" asked a curious Nnoitra lazing on the living room couch, along with all the rest of the Espada.

"I don't want to talk about it," a paler-than-usual (and that was rare) Ulquiorra answered quietly.

"A guy tried to pick him up," Grimmjow answered for the fourth Arrancar with a smirk.

"That is not what happened," Ulquiorra hissed.

"Okay, fine; we overheard a guy talk about picking him up."

Through a look of utter shame—not much different from the general Ulquiorra blank stare into space (trademark)—Ulquiorra glared darkly over at the sixth Espada.

Who, in turn, shrugged.

"I am so going on the next stalking trip!" Nnoitra chuckled, while Ulquiorra fumed silently.

"Yeah, we've got to plan another one," Grimmjow agreed with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

It was then that the Great and Powerful Lord Aizen walked into the living room.

"Espada," he called, authority blatant in his voice, "I have some news for you."

The aforementioned Espada, who were already in the room in the first place, turned their heads towards their leader.

"Because you, as my wonderful and faithful Espada are capable of completing your chores early," Aizen spoke, "I have noticed that you all have a great deal of blessed free time. What you do with it, I would usually not intrude on, but it has come to my attention that you are doing nothing but sitting around and chatting."

Something sank in Grimmjow's stomach; he had a bad feeling about what was going to come up.

"I have found places for each and every one of you to spend your time at, so that you do not you do not waste away into mindless servants of sloth. For you, Baraggan, you get to spend your days at the Karakura retirement home. And for the rest of you…" A feral smirk showed on Aizen's features.

Grimmjow paled even further.

"I have taken the liberty of enrolling you into Karakura High School. You will start tomorrow. So, enjoy learning about the World of the Living, Students!"

And Aizen swept out of the room, leaving ten incredibly confused Espada to contemplate whether or not joining Aizen's side of the war was actually a good idea.