Beamy
When Sev woke up, still not opening his eyes, Lily's eyes were still etched on his retina. 'I have dreamed that I died seeing them. It doesn't make me uneasy, I don't believe in premonitions or similar nonsense, after all I fell asleep with that last image, and to sleep is to die in a certain way. On the contrary, I would feel lucky if the dream came true, because that would mean that I would spend my whole life with her.'
He put his hand to the left side of his neck. 'It hurts a lot, probably because of the position in which I fell asleep.' The same one, sideways on the couch, legs drawn up and hugging himself, that he was on when she left.
He finally opened his eyes, it was night and he could hardly see. He was surprised to find that he was covered by a blanket. 'Lily must have dumped it on me before she left and I didn't even notice.
'Lily… what a presence of mind. It is very clear who is the strongest in our relationship, contrary to what I have believed for so long. It's not that until now I haven't thought that she doesn't have strength, she has always been brave and stubborn like a good Gryffindor, but at the same time so sensitive that she always cried at the first chance, and that's why I felt above her in that aspect.
'But now that I have begun to allow myself to let my feelings flow, I realize that my thing has been pure facade, control, containment, repression. It has taken me a whole night to come to terms with the idea of not being together on holidays and still I haven't been able to keep my composure.
'And she, on the other hand, in the scarce ten minutes that have passed since she understood that I would not take the Express until she arrived at the Haven, has concealed herself from her housemates, controlled her desperation and surely her anger as well, has not clung to the possibility to stay in the castle, has proposed a solution that compromises her before her family, has treated me with understanding and sweetness at all times, inviting but not demanding, explaining everything herself, I have barely been able to articulate four sentences.
'Although she broke down when she remembered that we would miss my birthday. Could it have been all pure facade too? Have I infected her with my art of dissimulation? I can get rid of doubts with a simple gesture, taking a red berry. I don't even have to get up from the couch, the jar is on one side, behind me, because when she arrived I had just prepared the package for her, I put twenty-three, one for each day we will spend apart. It has already become clear that when we see each other we do not need them, so it is not so necessary to obsess over rationing them.'
He turned and reached out to feel for it, he could see through the windows that the sky was overcast. 'I have no way of knowing what time it is until the Tower Clock strikes, whether she is still on the Express, having dinner at her house, or perhaps already sleeping. I'll take it anyway. Merlin! It tastes better than ever, the scent of her hair and her skin, the taste of her mouth and her neck, and not a trace of bitterness.
'She loves me deeply and does not suffer at all, she is a real lifeline, I can cling to her without fear of sinking her. What an idiot I feel for not having made her a part of my decision until it was too late to back out, she would surely have managed to convince me to stay in her house.
'I won't let her out of serious business again. I can believe myself an expert in security and defense, but it is clear that she perfectly fills those gaps with the intuition and emotional intelligence acquired from growing up in an exemplary family.
'I could already see it in how right she was in foreseeing the scene that Parkinson put on me, and how wrong I was about the wolf. I have learned to read emotions through gestures and looks, driven by the eternal need to defend myself from someone, but she... has a much deeper knowledge, she knows souls, if someone is a good or bad person and if they can be trusted.
'How many times did she say to me, arguing, "You're not like them, they're going to ruin your life"? And I never listened to her, thinking that I was. But of course not, I have a heart that knows how to love deeply... thanks to Lily. She has been the one who has taught me to do it for all these years.
'She is the only person, apart from Mum, to whom I show the best of myself. What would I have been like if I hadn't met her? Like my father, surely.
'Just to think that last year and even at the beginning of this year I seriously considered joining the Dark Lord, when I thought I have lost her... But even in that, she has rescued me, if she hadn't fallen in love with me, I would have surely taken the dark path, and my life would have been, even more, a real hell, because Lily is right, I'm not like that.
'I am much better than that, and I must strive to prove it, to broaden my horizons, that my life is not reduced to my love for Lily and my hatred for everyone else. In fact, it's also thanks to her that I've already taken a few steps down that path, trying to make friends with Stevens, trusting the wolf, letting her handle the delicate situation with Mum, letting her trust her parents with my problems. She told me that I take the opportunity to meet people, and I will do that.
'I have no idea what time it is, if it's past dinner time, it might even be early morning. To begin with, I must take care of myself, not to fall back into the depression of two months ago. I haven't eaten anything all day.' So he left the Haven.
He toured the empty castle. 'I feel so at peace… Without snakes, without lions, without having to watch if they follow me, without Potter with the cloak… I had never stayed for Christmas, although I did at Easter, but on that date, given the brevity of the holidays and exams approaching, many more students remained in the castle. I have all of Hogwarts for myself.'
He reached the entrance hall and peered into the Great Hall. 'Dinner time, so I've had the berry when Lily was still on the Express, before seeing her family, and still she was fine... Admirable.'
He studied the grounds as he made his way to the Slytherin table and took his usual seat. 'Four Hufflepuffs, two boys and two girls, in a group. Seven Ravenclaws, two couples and three solitaires. Other seven Gryffindors, a group of four, girls and boys, and a group of three boys. And in Slytherin, one more couple and one boy alone, second or third-year probably.
'It seems to me that making friends is going to be a bit difficult for me. Couples and mixed groups, which must also be, are ruled out, they stay in the castle for we know what, to have the intimacy they don't get the rest of the year, as Lily and I would have done if we could. The group of three lions, not dream of it, enemy House. I have left the lonely eagles and the little one from my house.
'But if the Ravenclaws, by themselves, don't even get together with each other - individualists, eccentrics, the 'geniuses' of the school - there is nothing to do on that side. The truth is that I could have been in that House myself if my ambition to be a snake had not prevailed. They have stayed to study, that's for sure, one thing in common. I could probe them in the Library, whenever they come, because having for themselves what I know is the best Common Room in the houses…'
He turned to the little Slytherin, who was sitting near the staff table. 'In the area where the Stevens group does it.' He caught him looking at him, and the boy quickly looked back at his plate. 'Isn't he the one sitting next to Steed's sister? I'm not sure, I barely noticed him, I didn't consider him important. What does a boy his age do alone at school at Christmas? Maybe he has family problems too, or he just doesn't have a family at all. One thing in common.
'The staff table is also almost empty, Dumbledore and McGonagall are there, neither of them have families. But Slughorn, my Head of House, is not present. Normal, a man with so many social relationships does not miss the holidays to cultivate them. So going home by Floo is also ruled out. I should ask Dumbledore and he'd read me, he'd find out all the hell. Well, I still have the option of the Knight Bus, I would have to ask Lily to send me magic money, because I don't have a sickle.'
The boy finished dinner before him and left, almost everyone left, only the three Gryffindors remained after dinner. So he left as soon as possible. 'I have to write to Lily so she can get my letter in the morning. I'd spend the night at the Haven, but I'm afraid of feeling homesick, getting sad and the berry tasting bitter. Bah... Surely the Common Room of the dungeons is empty, the couple of snakes will have retired to 'rest' and the solitary boy has his entire bedroom for himself. Oh, by the way… me too.' A smile broke out.
It wasn't like that, when he got home the boy was sitting in an armchair near the fireplace, with a book in his hands, facing the door. He looked up from the book when he heard him come in and smiled slightly, then looked back at the book again.
As Sev brushed past him on his way to the bedroom for writing supplies, he let go without thinking, "Good evening."
"Good evening, Snape," the boy replied, with a certain hopeful tone.
He was stunned, he had called him by his last name and shown interest in him, and he hardly knew his face. As he grabbed what he needed to write, he thought, 'I'm going to take a book too, as an excuse to sit in front of the fireplace near the boy. Lily's letter can wait, it's still early and there's no question of the owl waking her up at dawn.Transfiguration, so I can also read the kid surreptitiously.'
He settled on the couch in front of the fireplace. The boy, who was sitting on the armchair to his left, glanced at him briefly when he did. He placed various items next to him on the couch and opened the book. The other seemed focused on his, which instead of resting on his lap, he held in front of his eyes. He noticed the title 'Defense Against the Dark Arts… Fifth year!'
After practicing a couple of spells, he tried to read him without muttering Legeremens, and the third time, closing his eyes and concentrating hard, he succeeded.
'He's reading the chapter on the Patronus, which is one of the last topics of my year, but at the same time he's showing me the book, waiting for me to talk to him, ask him, strike up a conversation. And I also read admiration… and trust!' He came out of his mind.
'How is it possible? Once again, Lily is right. Many people in my house admire me, but they don't approach me because of my bad company. And yet this boy, in a way, believes in me. I'll give him, I'll give myself, a chance. If it's who I think he is, he hangs out with good people, including Stevens himself. I'll have three weeks to get to know each other and then he himself will talk about me with his friends. Besides… he's making it very easy for me.'
"What are you studying?" Sev asked him.
The boy reacted immediately, showing him the cover of the book with a wide smile. "Defense."
'He hasn't said DADA, like everyone else, but Defense, like me.' He took a better look at him. 'He is very handsome, with still childish features and an unusual combination of dark eyes and light brown hair.'
"But that level is much higher than your year. What year are you in?"
"In third year, but I train on my own."
'Like me! He must be one of the little ones of his year, born in summer, because he looks younger.'
"Oh really? And what are you with now?"
"With the Patronus, but it doesn't come out corporeal yet. Do you know how to do it?"
'Of course I know, and in fact it is a characteristic that distinguishes me from the Death Eaters, who are not able to conjure it. The boy is quite the sly snake under his kind and confident appearance.'
"Yes, of course."
"And it comes out corporeal?"
'Booah! He is putting me through a third degree.' Sev, inside, was dying of laughter.
"Yes."
"I was sure, you also like Defense, doesn't you?"
"It's my favorite subject."
"I already knew. Sorry, I haven't introduced myself." The boy put the book aside and stood up, holding out his hand. "Beamy, Ariel."
"Snape, Severus."
"I already knew you, you are very famous," while he returned to sit on his chair.
"Yeah…" Sev was thoughtful. 'Why on earth has this kid dared to approach me precisely with my fame?' He remembered Lily's experience that morning. 'Blind trust, she told me. Beamy is showing it to me, I must reciprocate.' He ventured, "But my fame is not exactly good…"
"That's what everyone says, but I don't believe it," Beamy said very sure. "You hang out with those to protect yourself from the Gryffindors, your redheaded friend's housemates. If you can make a corporeal Patronus, you're not a Death Eater."
'That awful! The kid just revealed my own identity to me.' Sev couldn't hide his look of astonishment. "How do you know so many things about me?"
"It's no secret, the whole school knows."
'Yes, but he has come to very different conclusions than the rest.'
"Yeah, the Gryffindor thing is clear, but you don't think the same about me as the others. Why?"
"I also hung out with the bad guys before coming to Hogwarts so the others wouldn't bully me, you know, I was the freak when I started magic. I won them over by volunteering magic for them."
'It means, he went to a Muggle school like me and did wandless magic, like me, although I didn't have anyone to defend me at school. Many, many things in common. But the kid was smarter when he got to Hogwarts, hanging out with the good people and not the malefics.'
Sev had remained silent, Beamy asked him, "You're a half-blood, aren't you?"
"I am."
"Then I don't know what you paint with the pure-bloods, they only accept you because you are the best duelist."
'Truths as fists, I am beginning to feel ashamed that a thirteen year old would expose me in this way. Now I will begin to extract information from him.'
"You told me you train alone."
"Yes," very sure of himself.
"And where do you do it?"
"In the Forest."
'Like me before I found the Haven, I'm surprised I never found him.'
"Since when?"
"Since last year."
'It is impossible that he has advanced three school years in just one year.'
"You must practice a lot."
"Every week."
'Impossible, once a week is not enough to reach that level, I know from my own experience. Either the kid is a wonder, which could be, if he did voluntary magic as a child, or someone is helping him. I'll try by letting go of something.'
"I also practice in the Forest and I have never seen you."
"Because I hide very well, you know, the Forest is huge."
'Wow… how difficult, creating trust between snakes. But I don't dislike it, the kid is reliable, he doesn't put his friends at risk. Even so, I will insist, rather to continue testing his cunning than to draw him out.'
"And are you not afraid to go to the Forest alone?"
"And are you not?"
Sev couldn't resist grinning, Beamy grinned back. He had an inspiration. "Training alone is very boring. Would you like to do it together some day?"
The boy's face lit up.
"I could teach you how to do the corporeal Patronus," Sev continued.
"Really? Would not you care?" very excited.
'Looks like he's been waiting for something like this for a long time.'
"No, it's not that difficult."
"When do we meet?" impatient.
"Whenever you want."
"Tomorrow morning?"
"All right."
"Cool! Thanks Snape, I already knew you were a good guy." He got up to shake his hand again, and this time his grip was stronger and firmer. "See you at breakfast, then. I'm going to bed to be fresh tomorrow." He picked up his book and turned back to him, looking at him gravely. "See you tomorrow, Snape," as a sentence.
"See you tomorrow, Beamy, rest."
He left. Sev stared into the fire, pondering what had just happened. 'Too easy. Beamy seemed to have it all planned out, he's been checking me out for a long time. 'Your redheaded friend'. Lily again, the key. And he has waited for the right opportunity to approach me, the house empty, sitting in the chair facing the door, with a Defense book in his hands.
'But both for the first greeting, as the beginning of the conversation and finally the proposal to meet again, he has waited for me to take the initiative, a very elaborate plan. The Patronus… he hasn't introduced himself until we've talked about it.
'The boy is cunning, there is no doubt, but he is also trusting, because he has provided me with information without realizing it in order to take the conversation where he wanted, that I teach him Defense classes. It has given him away that as soon as I proposed it, he has left right away, before I thought better of it.
'Cunning and confident, a disconcerting mix of Slytherin and Hufflepuff. Well, let's see how things are tomorrow, Duel class. A second disciple, how nice.'
He sat in his favorite corner to write to Lily. 'The first thing I'll tell her is what just happened to me, I know it will make her very happy, but I'm not going to tell her about the Patronus, I'll save it for when we meet.' Then he thought about how to reciprocate the wolf as he had told Lily that he would. 'He helps her with Arithmancy and she told me that I explained much better. I'm sure Professor Bolter has given all the Houses the same homework for Christmas. I'll make up some problems and send them to her with the letter so she can send them to Remus.'
He went up to the bedroom for what was necessary and came back down. 'I will do the three most difficult, there will be time the rest of the holidays to send him more, and it is not a matter of offending him by doing everything. I will not just solve them, I will add detailed explanations of why I do each step.'
He also listed the list of ingredients needed for the night potions and saved the most meaningful for last. 'The dream I had and the reflection on how she has taken our farewell, infinitely thanking her for her attitude, and also that from now on I intend to consult her on everything that concerns us both. I will also tell her that she has saved me from the darkness.' He said goodbye:
Take each letter of this epistle as a good morning kiss. Hundreds, Princess.
Your Half-Blood Prince
P.S.: Answer me if you can with the same owl, so it take advantage of the trip and I will get it at dinner.
It was past curfew, but still he went up to the owlery to post the letter, picked a young and strong owl and set it free, leaving Hogwarts almost at the same time as Puck left Cokeworth. Returning to his house, with nothing else to do and the recent memories of Lily that he had just written in his mind, he felt his heart bleed a little, due to her absence, that's why the berry tasted a little bitter to her.
Since he wasn't sleepy, as he had slept all day, he kept practicing Transfiguration in the empty Common Room. He went to sleep quite late and it still took him a long time, thinking about her.
He finally got it just when Puck and the castle owl passed in the night a few meters from each other, detecting each other in the dark and greeting with their hoot.