Arthur was counting days, hours and minutes to the Easter holidays. Five whole days free! Of course Morgana was coming for a visit, so that would take the better part of three days, but he still had Thursday and Friday morning to complete all the school work he could in peace and then… maybe he could just rest on Monday. Arthur could do this. He could, he would and he refused to even think of the rest of the year. He actually refused to think about anything. Except Merlin.
Merlin had been odd. 'Not odder than normal' Arthur would say if he had any desire to joke about the matter. He had returned to their bed and hadn't caused any scenes at school, but he was … skittish. He seemed to be scared of thin air at times and had started studying until late again. It wasn't unusual for Merlin to crawl into bed around midnight, stirring Arthur from his sleep in the process. Arthur couldn't understand where the will to study like that came from. He just couldn't do that, and not for lack of trying. He wished he could concentrate like Merlin did. He just hoped it wasn't out of fear or depression. He tried asking in one of the online communities he frequented, and those were the most likely reasons suggested to him. There was also something he wasn't telling Arthur.
Arthur had no idea what it was, but he knew there was something and he didn't like it one bit. It had something to do with football, he was fairly sure. Or at least the gym, or the people in it or maybe all the work or…? He had seen Merlin talk to the coach and he had momentarily felt a very strong fear that someone (maybe even the coach) had done something to Merlin. The atmosphere seemed serious, but afterwards Merlin had only seemed annoyed. Maybe he had just given the coach a piece of his mind? Or maybe it was something to do with Pellinor, who seemed to be trying to talk to Merlin at every turn? Or Mithian, who Arthur kind of felt had maybe stepped on, if not his own, then maybe Merlin's toes. He had no idea how to solve that except to keep telling Merlin that he valued his help. At school, that was hard to do and, at times, Arthur was conscious how his own teasing of Merlin resembled pigtail pulling. The only good thing was that Merlin seemed to understand he wasn't being serious, right?
On the other hand, randomly but not often, Merlin had started to… flirt? With him. Or not flirt, but he would get into Arthur's personal space and suggest…things. Or maybe Arthur was just over analysing Merlin's actions because he was craving to be held and curled against? The late studying and all the other stuff Arthur needed to get done each day meant he had minimal time to even be in the same room as Merlin, and most of that time Merlin kept studying or hiding in their closet. It wouldn't surprise Arthur if he was studying in the closet. And the more Arthur thought about this, the more it started to seem like Merlin was calculating his moves very carefully. Did he need time to brace himself to ask Arthur to go on a date with him? That didn't feel great if that was the case. He tried to act like he was fine either way, refraining from making comments about anything Merlin did that seemed sexy in his eyes. He did this to give Merlin the space to relax again, but it didn't seem to make any difference. Arthur just hoped Merlin wasn't forcing himself to act the way he had been. While he was out jogging one day, he remembered Merlin's outburst about not having his own room. Did he really want that? His own space and time away from Arthur? Because Arthur didn't want time apart. And he hated to think Merlin needed a break from him. So, Arthur was confused and worried and craving to be touched.
Then without warning, Merlin started to calm down. He stopped studying late and slept curled up to Arthur's side once again. He offered to wash Arthur's hair and he was just… present. It felt unbelievably good. But at the same time Arthur started to feel that he was unworthy. He had no idea what to give back all the while still failing in about every other area of his life. Even with all the extra help, he didn't feel like he had succeeded in anything at all. Not even in helping Merlin, since he did well without him. He wished so much that the holidays would provide some relief. And never end.
-o-
After returning to their bed, Merlin did sleep better and that alone made a surprisingly big difference. Even if that meant he worried that he was inconveniencing Arthur by hoarding half the bed. He knew Arthur would sleep better if he had the entire bed to himself. Still, it felt like breathing fresh air again after hiding under a blanket for hours. Merlin started to feel slightly better after just the first night. Arthur was clearly happy to have him there. He told Merlin how nice it was to sleep together again and how he loved how his tattoo looked and how he had missed him when he had been on the couch. He placed his arm under Merlin's pillow every night and he all but curled around Merlin before falling asleep. This verbal reassurance, together with the way his body relaxed whenever they were physically close, helped Merlin calm down and have hope for the future again. He did realise he had made himself miserable, but even after trying his best, they fell back to where they had been before the Christmas holidays. Even if Merlin acknowledged this, he felt it very, very hard to say anything about it to Arthur. He felt stupid for refusing to come back to bed and returning to sleep on the couch. He felt like a coward for not being able to tell Arthur what he wanted and how he felt. Again. He had to give up on seeming normal. He struggled with school work and he struggled with his mother always wanting to talk about everything going on in his life. He was out of things he felt he could share but didn't want her to worry. He didn't want to go into gory details and he especially did not mention the panic attack. More than anything he was afraid he could have another one at any moment.
The first week after the attack he felt jumpy at any and everything. And of course, because nothing was ever easy in his life, there didn't seem to be a simple cure. Or any cure. He tried finding one on the internet, but what he found was that he could start medication for a depression or anxiety disorder, go back to therapy, learn to recognise the symptoms, relax and wow, breathe. From there the advice ranged from finding a 'happy place' to closing his eyes or using essential oils. He was just glad he hadn't stumbled on to healing crystals or unicorns! In a moment of desperation, he had tried asking Coach because he had said 'you may never have another one'. He wanted to be reassured that would be the case. That it was the most common case. Get one and be done with it. He almost managed to ask when he apologised for his outburst. Coach was very understanding but then he suggested letting those close to him know so they would be able to help him if he had another one. That had answered his question in the worst possible way. He managed to nod just barely but when Coach had tried to press the subject by saying he could call his parents and arrange a meeting with the school nurse, Merlin had been very close to snapping again. He told him he would rather talk with his mother himself. He very pointedly did not bring it up again.
He analysed it all about a hundred times during those times when he was supposed to be doing school work. After school and at night. By their desk and in the closet. It was too cold to go outside. He tried to find things to avoid that might have triggered it. He didn't go to Coach's office anymore. He tried to sleep enough, eat enough, relax enough, be alone enough and after careful consideration, he decided not to continue finishing the tattoo. Zyr told him she could continue it anytime if he ever decided he wanted to. She had placed it so that the thickest part of the triskelion covered the majority of the scar. Just a tiny portion of it was showing and Merlin thanked her for it. So much and so many times. She sounded honestly moved and she told him he had done great. Merlin couldn't honestly say that he had, but it was still good to hear that at least he hadn't been squeamish over a needle.
The only really good thing was that he realised he could do some of his homework during practise now that he didn't dare to take a nap. After he had gotten everything ready, he would curl into some corner, or in the storage room, or even the empty locker room and study. He got used to sleeping only few hours every night. His notes were a mess and for a while he had turned in a few poorly and hastily written papers, but he managed to catch up. He felt happy with himself when he got to help Arthur with math and biology again and they did the seemingly endless assignment about 'Landmarks around the Globe' together to save time. That one was almost fun because they did it together, Arthur brushing his arm and thigh every now and then. They tried writing some essays together after that, but after getting scolded and given some serious warnings about copying and plagiarism they decided that it was safer if they didn't even talk about their individual essays with each other before handing them in. His mother even got a call from Geoffrey who had apparently gotten over his guilt of getting them into trouble (how horribly in trouble he still had no idea) and labelled Merlin as a 'trouble student'.
Hunith had looked at the both of them in disbelief after trying her best to explain that 'they had just done their homework together' and 'yes, it was individual work, but surely… no, of course not, but- yes, they swapped ideas but wrote their own papers, yes?... exactly. Good day to you.' After ending the call uncharastically forcefully, she looked first to Merlin then to Arthur, her face silently asking them 'is this what you have to go through every day?'. That had made Merlin giggle and Arthur look uncomfortable. At that moment, Merlin just wanted to give his mother a hug.
But apart from occasional schoolwork, Arthur was getting more and more busy and because of that, distracted. As he gradually stopped telling Merlin how much he liked this and that, Merlin felt like he was losing Arthur for real this time. Finally, he stopped really responding most of the time. Even kissing him felt forced somehow. Like a mandatory task before going to sleep. It made Merlin sad and unable to fall asleep without prolonged listening to Arthur's relaxed breathing against his neck.
Vivian proved to be the perfect distraction from his stress. She dragged him to a hair salon, Merlin getting a much needed haircut while Vivian got her regular trim and pampering along with what seemed like a bucket full of hair products. She bought Merlin special conditioner to use on his hair that smelled and felt divine. It made Merlin's unruly mop of hair actually feel… almost styled with next to no effort. He had a childish desire to show it off to Arthur.
His good mood faltered significantly when he and Vivian walked into her house and found Sir Olaf waiting for them in the entrance with a stern expression on his face. Merlin was ready to turn tail and walk right out of the door, which he suspected was Sir Olaf's plan all along. Vivian, however, was not having none of it. She crossed her arms and directed a wave of anger towards her father. Under the unwavering stare of his daughter, Sir Olaf looked almost sheepish and then asked Merlin very politely how their trip to the salon had gone. Merlin managed to stammer out that it had been good to get a haircut, Sir Olaf studying his and Vivian's hair immediately. He did seem somewhat mollified but that didn't stop Vivian from scolding her father for not trusting her. Merlin felt that he should feel anxious or even angry that this distrust had been directed at him so blatantly, but he didn't. He felt…well, it felt kind of nice that Vivian was protected this fiercely by her father and a bit bad that he seemed to worry so much for no reason. And Merlin wondered if he could… if he should…say something? Maybe it would help… And when Vivian came to the end of her rant with a huff and took hold of Merlin's wrist with the intention of dragging him towards her room, Merlin held his ground and wouldn't budge. He remembered the story about Sir Olaf's sister. Vivian looked at him confused. He took a deep breath, looked Sir Olaf straight in the eye and told him how Vivian had been a very good friend to him when he was still afraid to come out.
The first few words felt like something sharp and dangerous was crawling out of his throat but when he had finished he felt a wave of relief. He'd broken out in a cold sweat, but after a pause Sir Olaf smiled. Like really smiled. At him. Merlin couldn't take his eyes off of him, he needed to see every expression. Sir Olaf seemed to lose all sense of worry just then and there and, after that moment, it felt like Sir Olaf actually liked him. Genuinely liked him.
They talked a bit and Merlin tried to not let it show how unbelievably relieved he was. He asked Sir Olaf if he had any photos of Arthur's mother. He was sure they would be important to him. Sir Olaf promised to make copies when he'd had the time to go through some old albums. He asked if they wanted something to eat or drink and, after a while, he actually brought them some snacks and ice tea before closing the door to Vivian's room. Vivian made a kind of happy wiggle and a jump.
"Oh Merlin! That was great! Daddy has never ever let me close the door when I have male guests over! Not even my cousin!" And then they ate and played a detective game on Vivian's computer, which she had plugged to her TV, and when they got stuck they watched videos that Vivian had wanted to show him. She made him borrow her most unisex cardigan when Merlin got cold after sitting on the floor for so long. Merlin only realised when he'd gotten home that he had forgotten to return it to her. Arthur complained he smelled like Vivian.
After he got his homework finished for the day, he went and curled up on their closet floor. His fear of older men resurfaced. He thought of Gaius who he loved like a father and of Coach, who he didn't like but had started to feel safe around. Gwaine's father, who was like an older version of Gwaine, and Sir Olaf who was surprisingly easy going when he dropped the guard he had set up for his daughter's well-being. A well-being he was probably prepared to protect with his life, if needed.. He wondered where the fear originated. And why it was directed towards someone like Merlin or a cousin for that matter.
When time went on and his anxiety started to abate, the fear and the whole experience started to feel more like a vivid nightmare and less like something he really had to live with. Merlin managed to relax somehow and reboot his system. He found some energy to speak and decided to give it all to Arthur. Merlin tried, he really tried, to break this habit of keeping his distance, but it didn't go too well.
He first tried to get Arthur to understand that it would be fine if he wanted to rest his head on his lap without actually saying the word 'head', 'rest' or 'lap'. Then he wanted to know if Arthur would like it if he started sleeping without his shirt on by asking if Arthur thought it was too hot in their room. Then he tried to push a book he almost wanted to read to Arthur so they could read it together. After that he had to admit that he would have to use actual words to communicate, so he started with the easiest and suggested they go on a date. Arthur told him with a tired smile that he would love to, but he had to get his book review ready first so… maybe next weekend? And after the weekend had come and gone with them only managing to go for a short walk, and even that was just because the weather was awesome, Merlin's already minimal confidence faltered. He forced himself to keep his spirits up, asking Arthur if he wanted him to wash his hair. That, of course, implied they would take a bath together. He was very much in the mood and very much excited when he had Arthur in between his legs, back to him, massaging the base of his skull with foamy fingers. But after some initially encouraging sounds from Arthur, he almost fell asleep where he sat and so Merlin coaxed him to bed early. He himself was up late feeling frustrated and embarrassed because of it. He tried one more time. He hovered into Arthur's space and was very much prepared to try and get them to make out, but when Arthur barely looked at him and simply gave him a peck on the lips before turning back to his phone, Merlin felt rejected. It took him about two days of moody sulking to realise that Arthur was very, very tired.
It was nearing April and Arthur started opening up to Merlin about how stressed he was and if anything, that was the clearest indication that he really was stressed. So Merlin tried his best to help by blatantly letting Arthur copy his homework, even if he had to re-write some of it himself so Arthur would have more time to do… whatever it was that he needed his time for. Arthur was so openly grateful that it made Merlin worry how far gone Arthur truly was. The word 'burnout' circled around his head, but all attempts to make Arthur rest just made him dismissive, annoyed or work even harder. Doing his homework felt like the best course of action. That and preparing their home for Easter holidays and Morgana's upcoming visit. As it had been Morgana's initiative, Merlin tried his best to support it and keep the idea afloat. Merlin's mother had approved and even volunteered her bedroom for her to stay in while she would sleep on the living room couch. Arthur had asked Merlin if he could help with Morgana. He was clearly anxious but also looking forward to it. To Merlin it seemed it was still hard for both of them to talk on the phone. So he took over planning the trip with Morgana.
So. Merlin did homework, paperwork for football, answered Arthur's phone… He started to feel like a secretary and not in a sexy way.
The Monday before Easter holidays were due to start, Merlin only had two days of school. For Merlin, the holidays didn't feel like a holiday really. As Morgana's visit neared, Merlin grew more uneasy. He hoped he wouldn't screw this up because Arthur trusted him to know what to do with Morgana. And Merlin suspected she wouldn't make any part of the visit easy. He hoped at least until she arrived there would be nothing out of the ordinary. That he could just worry about one thing at a time. But of course there was. There always was something. This time it was Mithian, who decided to talk to Merlin for the first time.
-o-
Merlin had finally found something to do that made himself feel satisfied. Once he realised how much money the school was prepared to throw at the team, he had ordered new sets of almost all the equipment they used. Footballs, practice vests, cones, even the goals they used indoors. He organised all the old equipment to be donated to a non-profit sports team and gym whose mission was to provide sports to children and teens from disadvantaged families. So Merlin's Monday PE period and half of football practice was spent organising and carrying stuff to and from the gym. He was sweaty, his clothes were dirty and his hair was gritty and unruly and full of sand. He should have done this before the outdoor season started. But the man and the woman who came to collect the old equipment thanked him so profusely that it made all the effort worth it. Well, it had all been in good condition and Merlin was glad it went to good use. The overly large truck driver that dropped the new equipment in the parking lot, on the contrary, was in a hurry and equally unpleasant.
Merlin was carrying the last bag of new footballs on his back when Mithian came from behind him. "Thank you Merlin, I'll do the rest." she said, sounding way too chipper and took the sack out of Merlin's hands. Merlin looked at her unimpressed when she carried them from just a few metres behind the door to the gym, half of the football team coming to her aid and thanking her for her hard work. Merlin grumbled under his breath when Arthur saw him come into the gym empty handed. "Oy! Merlin! If you've got nothing to do, you can fill my water bottle!"
As expected, half of the team then brought their water bottles to Merlin's feet in seconds. While Arthur grinned looking happy with himself, Merlin smiled back as sarcastically as he could. Arthur just grinned at him wider and took one of the new balls. He kicked it as high as he could (which to Merlin looked impossibly high) and caught it with his hands when it came straight down. Merlin understood. He was almost back to his previous good mood but then Mithian moved to help him. Merlin flashed her the same sarcastic smile and felt some satisfaction when she took a step back. Still, she followed him to the locker room and stood beside him while he opened the caps.
"I wonder what exactly you are doing here… You don't seem to be a huge fan of football." she said with a soft voice. Merlin looked up from his task. Wow, he really felt like his efforts were being noticed here. But if he didn't count the timing, she was right. "No, not really." he replied, not wanting to provide reasons about why he continued to come when he could be anywhere he wanted. "You are not much of a fan of me either, are you?" she said and Merlin looked at her surprised but not denying anything. She was perceptive. "Come on Merlin, I would have to be a fool not to notice." Mithian looked at him not sternly but close to it. Merlin couldn't deny or lie to that face, so he just looked at her without a smile. "Uh, I'm sorry." Mithian looked down and handed Merlin a new water bottle. "I'm sure you have, um, good reasons." she continued, sounding a bit put off. Merlin couldn't say he did and since he didn't have much else he wanted to say to Mithian he stayed quiet and closed the bottle he had just finished filling before taking Oliver's bottle (which was very easy to recognise, with a hyper looking unicorn covered in all the glitter) from Mithian's outstretched hand. At least she had learned that Merlin didn't want anyone too close to him. He thought that had been it. It wasn't like they had talked before and this was awkward enough as it was.
Mithian on the other hand didn't seem to realise this. She started commenting on the water bottles and asked if Merlin remembered which was whose and then she commented on the boys locker room and how different it was from girls'. Merlin answered with monosyllables and tried to fill the bottles as fast as he could so he could get out of there, but then Mithian paused and just held on to the last empty bottle. Merlin stood there his hand stretched, now also his sleeves wet, thinking if he should take a step closer to her and just take the bottle when she spoke again.
"One thing I have learned since being here is that Arthur values your opinion above almost all others." Merlin scoffed at that. He didn't get what was happening. "Even if he would be the last person to admit it." Mithian continued actually making Merlin smile at her a bit, feeling amused. She was kind of an observant person wasn't she? Even if Merlin didn't want her around him. Possibly of that reason. "You can say that again." He replied to Mithian before closing the last water bottle she had finally handed to him. "I like him, Merlin. I really do. I didn't expect to, but he's a lovable person isn't he?"
Merlin snapped his eyes to Mithian's at her confession. He had no idea how to respond to that. After a pause Mithian continued "All I ask is that you give me a chance, can you do that?" she asked sweetly and maybe a bit desperately. Merlin couldn't tell her 'no' without at least some kind of explanation so he finally said "Yeah…" he chuckled nervously "mm." he continued inteligently. Mithian smiled at him warmly and said sincerely "Thank you." before collecting some of the water bottles and returning to the gym.
Merlin looked after her and followed slowly. This wasn't funny. He had no idea what it was, but he didn't like it one bit. Merlin tried not to think too much about it, but that was a lost cause from the very beginning. He felt like he had made a promise, but to what exactly, he wasn't sure. To give her a chance. Should he invite her over? No. He certainly would not do that under any circumstances. Make a nice comment about her? But Arthur took care of that himself. Or maybe just do nothing if not asked? Besides, if Arthur liked her, why would he care what Merlin thought of her? Arthur had told him he got along with women, but it was not like he could understand this. He could understand Vivian. And Gwen. And Morgana to an extend. With Sofia he could talk about food just fine, but Mithian? No. He didn't know her because he had very little will to get to know her and her gender didn't help at all, why would it?
He tried to talk with her for a bit the next day, but it did not help. All he got was that she didn't like beetroots and a rudely suggestive hand gesture from Oliver. He feared that this would be it. He should have known this, he had! It hadn't been just that Mithian reprenceted someone who was better and more socially accepted than Merlin, but she actually did like Arthur. Romantically. And Merlin couldn't have that. Not yet. Just please, not yet. Gwen, the gem she was, asked him what was wrong when he kept pondering what to do. Merlin could not tell how glad he was how she kept trying with him. Even if he had snapped her the last time so spectacularly she still asked the same thing.
"Mithian likes Arthur.'' He told her like it was the root of his problems. It wasn't, but he had nothing else to share. "I can't say I'm surprised, but why does it bother you this much? It's not like Arthur would suddenly turn straight." Merlin looked her in the eye and she was serious. Calm and just… like it wasn't a big deal. Just a trivial thing. Sure, Arthur was perfect, a perfect girl liked him, no big deal at all! "He's not gay." That much Merlin knew. Bi was what Arthur had told him. Or Will. Did it matter? He still could like girls that way unlike Merlin.
"Really?" Gwen sounded like this was all new information and Merlin just shrugged. He feared and hated the fact that he didn't really know. He hated that he knew he didn't have the guts to ask if Arthur wouldn't start the conversation himself. Gwen reassured Arhur was not interested and that Merlin was his priority, but Merlin didn't even like that word. Priority… Arthur was physically there but at the moment Merlin wasn't sure if he was mentally present half of the time. And he was so tired… no wonder if he had to do all he was doing on top of keeping Merlin as his priority. He knew they had taken steps backwards and now he was starting to feel like something on Arthur's endless list of chores. And with Mithian interested… How could Merlin say no if Arthur wanted an out? Out of this complex, borderline immoral/illegal relationship? Give Mithian a chance… What did that even mean?