What, you thought they'd just get off scot-free for trashing an establishment belonging to a Lord of Sin, as well as physically assaulting said Lord?
"So, you called? Krieg feeling lonely?" asked Verosika as she walked in through the door of Moxxie and Millie's apartment. "Well, no." replied Moxxie. "So, you remember what happened at Ozzie's? With the explosions, cyborgs, and Krieg suddenly getting weird-ass Norse superpowers?" asked Millie. "Oh, I'm not forgetting that night in a million years! Why're you asking?" answered Verosika as she sat down next to Krieg, who was slumped over on the imps' couch. "Well, Asmodeus and that jester guy are suing us for that little brawl back at his place." "Pffff! Relax! I know a lawyer or 2 that could get us outta this mess." Verosika pulled out her phone and scrolled through her contacts. "Let's see... Wright..." Verosika dialed, only to receive no response. "Hmm, okay, how about Edgeworth..." Once again, no response. "...Murdock?" The third time was in fact, not the charm, as Verosika was met with a dual tone. "...dare I even try Walters?" 3 guesses as to how this went and the first 2 don't count. "...shit, now what?" asked Moxxie as Verosika put her phone away. As the group began wondering what to do next, a commercial came on Moxxie and Millie's TV, almost as if to answer their prayers. "Hi, I'm Saul Goodman! Did you know you have rights? The Constitution says you do. And so do I! It's my belief that until proven guilty, every man, woman, and child in this realm and the next is innocent! That's why I fight for you! Better call Saul!" "Well hot damn, if that ain't convenient." commented Millie as Verosika dialed the number on-screen.
SEVERAL DAYS LATER, IN A COURTHOUSE LOCATED IN AN UNDISCLOSED REGION:
"Alright you four, before we get in there, I need to go over a few things..." said Saul, addressing Krieg, Moxxie, Millie, and Verosika. "...firstly, Miss Mayday, please refrain from using any of your romance magic in the courtroom. I'm already knee deep in several other legally dubious affairs, I don't need being an accomplice to sex crimes being one of them." Saul then pointed to Krieg. "Also, Miss Mayday, could you please keep your boyfriend here in check? It's just that he seems, for lack of a better term, completely unhinged." Saul then stood up. "And lastly, I would please like you all to try and keep your mouths shut. Just leave it to me, and I promise, I'll get ya out of this mess. And besides, if it comes down to it, I've got something on me that'll guarantee our victory." said Saul as he confidently patted something in his pocket. With that, the lawyer and the freak-show stepped out into the courtroom, where the judge and jury awaited, alongside Asmodeus and Fizzarolli with their lawyer. The man defending the Lord of Lust and his boyfriend was rather flamboyant looking, wearing a yellow suit with ruffles and green accents, and atop his head was a large blonde mullet. A voice rang out across the room. "All rise for Judge Joseph Dredd." Everybody stood as a muscular man in a futuristic police uniform walked to the judge's podium. Upon Dredd's face was a permanent scowl. "Hrrrrnngh. Alright, Mr. Brando, care to present your clients' case?" "Gladly, Your Honor." Asmodeus' lawyer stepped forward. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my name is Dio Brando, and you may have heard of one of my clients, Lord Asmodeus of Lust..." said Dio as he motioned towards his clients. "...and roughly two weeks ago, he and his boyfriend, Fizzarolli, were both unnecessarily humiliated and physically assaulted by the four hooligans sitting across from me." Dio pointed towards Krieg and co. "It all started with a simple display of showmanship from Mr. Asmodeus, which resulted in an unprovoked attack from the big one in the mask, and escalated into the utter destruction of my client's property. It should seem obvious that the people sitting with Mr. Goodman are insane sociopaths that ought to be imprisoned immediately, but alas, we do not inhabit a perfect world, ladies and gentlemen." said Dio as he sat back down next to his clients.
Saul then stood to deliver his clients' side of things. "Ladies and gentlemen, let's be honest, we've all done irrational things in the heat of passion. I mean, hey, how would you feel if you were on a date with someone at a nightclub, only for the guy running the place to come along and call your date a slut? I bet you'd want some sort of retribution, wouldn't you, ladies and gentlemen? Or how about him interrupting the lovely song you wrote for you and your wife's anniversary? And then mocking the two of you simply for having a loving relationship? Hell, I bet Mr. Brando's clients' 'relationship' mostly consists of leather restraints and barbed whips!" Saul continued on as Krieg and Verosika looked opposite of each other awkwardly. "...and so ladies and gentlemen, you can see that Lord Asmodeus and Mr. Rolli were clearly acting out of petty spite simply because they weren't the center of attention at the moment, and that my clients here were acting in self defense." Saul sat down with a smug grin on his face.
"Any witnesses care to give their testimony?" asked Dredd. With that, Josh, a member of Verosika's entourage stepped to the witness stand. "Alright, Mr. Josh... huh, no last name given. Anyway, Mr. Josh, what can you tell us about the incident?" "Well, most of what Verosika's lawyer said was true. The imp was just singing his wife a song when Ozzy came barging in for attention." said Josh. "But, all the violence that happened wasn't really 'self-defense'. After he called Verosika a slut, the big guy walked up and pimp-slapped the Lord of All Pimps. I mean, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't awesome, but still, they started the fight. And that's not even getting into any of those weird powers the big guy showed off." Verosika flashed Josh the stink eye as he stepped down from the witness stand. "Well, I guess that settles it." declared Judge Dredd. "Case clo-" "Objection! Your Honor, I have with me one piece of evidence that shows that my clients were in the right to start that fight." Saul stood up and pulled a VHS tape from his pocket. "And what would that be, Mr. Goodman?" asked Dredd. Saul rolled out a TV on a cart to the center of the room. "You see, your honor..." Saul inserted the tape into the TV and hit Play. "...Free Bird was playing."
Footage of Krieg and company's fight against Ozzy, Fizzarolli, Nisha, and Wilhelm with Lynyrd Skynrd's Free Bird playing over it blared throughout the courtroom. "Oh, Free Bird? Everybody's done crazy shit while that song was playing. One time it was playing when I was chasing some perps going over the speed limit. Found myself going faster than them! Case dismissed." said Dredd with a rare smile. "Wha-WHAT!?" shouted Asmodeus, slamming his fists on the desk where he sat. As Ozzy and Fizzarolli cursed at them from across the room, Saul walked back over to his clients. "See? I told you that'd work!" "Well, thanks a million, Mr. Goodman. Who knows? Maybe if something like this happens again, I'll give you a call." said Verosika as she shook Saul's hand. "Now now, Miss Mayday, our business here isn't over just yet. Now we need to discuss my payment-"
Suddenly, a middle-aged man wearing a porkpie hat burst into the courtroom, running towards Saul. "SAUL! I NEED YOU TO CALL THEM ANONYMOUSLY!!" "Mr. White!? What are you do-" Mr. White grabbed Saul by the collar. "I CAN'T CALL THEM, THEY KNOW MY VOICE!!!" As White continued screaming in Saul's face, another pair of men entered the room. One wore a yellow dress shirt with a maroon tie, the other wearing mostly black and holding a rifle. "Don't think you can hide from me that easily, Heisenberg." said the former, adjusting his tie. "What the actual shit is happening!?" shouted Moxxie as he sought cover beneath the desk. The other man readied his rifle. "I told ya, Waltuh. No moah half measuhs..." Suddenly, an RV burst through a nearby wall. A young man wearing a beanie peeked out from the driver's seat. "YO! DRAMATIC ENTRIES, BITCH!" he shouted as he aimed a submachine gun at the men who were after "Heisenberg". The beanied man opened fire, yet despite aiming directly at the two men, didn't hit a single thing, save for an unfortunate elderly woman who was late for jury duty. "I'm terribly sorry, traffic was-GAH!"
As the elderly woman lay bleeding on the courtroom floor, everyone stood in silence, until a single juror broke it up with: "EVERYBODY RIOOOOT!!!" Cue all hell breaking loose. Saul ducked behind the desk as Krieg launched himself at Asmodeus. "IT IS TIME!! FOR A SECOND, SALIVATING SERVING OF PAPERCUT PORRIDGE!!!" Krieg tackled Asmodeus as gunfire and grenades were flying. "Ah, drokk..." muttered Dredd. Without saying much else, he reached from behind his podium and pulled out a Lawgiver-model pistol, designed to be the pinnacle of law enforcement weaponry. The Judge fired off homing shots at oncoming rioters, dodging Asmodeus being thrown his way.
As Krieg tossed Asmodeus across the room like a sack of potatoes, he was met with the Lord of Lust's lawyer, Dio. "TIME FOR THE BLONDE TO BURN BEAUTIFULLY!" Krieg began aggressively walking towards the bloodsucker. "Oh, you dare approach me?" inquired Dio. "THE BLONDE BARBECUE CANT BEGIN WITHOUT THE MIRTH OF MINCED MEAT!" shouted Krieg as he continued towards Mr. Brando. "Well, then come as close as you like..." replied Dio with a sinister grin. Suddenly, from Krieg's perspective, Dio suddenly vanished. He turned to see Dio now standing behind him, holding a large array of kitchen knives. "Your brute strength and friends may have helped you against my client, but against me..." Suddenly, the knives went from between Dio's fingers to flying at Krieg with no transition between. "...they're USELESS, USELESS, USELESS!!!" The knives lodged themselves into Krieg's torso, knocking him backwards. To Dio's surprise, Krieg managed to get back up, albeit bleeding and grunting in what was either pain, or pleasure derived from said pain. "Hehehe..." Dio's smile remained upon his face. "You think that's all I got?" Dio suddenly disappeared again, leaving Krieg to look around the room for him.
Eventually, Krieg looked upward to see Dio about to drop a goddamn steamroller on him. "I'M GOING TO ROLL ALL OVER YOUUUU!!!" screamed Dio as he attempted to crush Krieg beneath his unorthodox choice of weapon. Krieg struggled as he held back the steamroller's front wheel with all his might, it being mere inches from his faces. "TOO LATE! TIME TO DIE!!" Dio began repeatedly punching down onto the steamroller in an effort to force it down on Krieg when a knife went flying past his head. "Hey, blondie! Over here!" shouted Millie, opening a nearby window to let in some sunlight, which as most know, is not very good for those who survive off of robbing people of their blood. "WRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY!!!" screeched Dio as his body disintegrated in the light.
As if things hadn't gotten chaotic enough, suddenly Johnny Gat burst into the room, flanked by numerous other Saints. "I heard there was a courtroom brawl and came as fast as I could!" Between firing shots from dual pistols, Gat looked to see Krieg pulling himself from beneath the steamroller. "Oh hey, Krieg." Moxxie peeked out from behind the desk. "GET US THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" "Sure thing! Yo, Shaundi, get Krieg n' his little friends outta here! I'll be here if ya need me. I've been waiting to fight that Dredd guy.!" Gat ran towards Judge Dredd, dual pistols loaded. "You guys! This way!" yelled Shaundi at the imps, Verosika, Saul, and Krieg, who'd finally managed to dig himself out from under the steamroller. Asmodeus, seeing the group (and Saul) making their way to the exit, began making his way at them, ready to take retribution into his own lustful hands. In the corner of his eye, he saw something being thrown at him. Ozzy caught it before it could hit his face. "What the-" He looked and saw that what was thrown at him appeared to be some type of methamphetamine. He then turned to the one who threw it, Heisenberg. "Ha! You think getting me high'll stop me!?" Heisenberg pulled out another drug-rock. "This... is not meth." The second drug-rock hit Ozzy square in the face, causing a fairly large explosion.
As people screamed, died, and were thrown out of windows, Shaundi led the group and their lawyer towards a purple convertible muscle car parked outside, with Kenny the Luchador at the wheel. Krieg and company piled into the car. "Kenny, I need you to get us to Saints HQ as fast as you possibly can!" yelled Shaundi as she readied a machine gun in response to the downright comical amount of police pulling up to the courthouse. "Alrighty, I'm on it! Just keep those bastards offa me!" With that, Kenny's wrestling boot hit the gas and they were off.
Kenny's car ripped through Steelport as a tide of red and blue lights followed. He swerved and sped through the streets, but couldn't drop the tail. The police shot at the purple muscle car, with Shaundi and the others returning fire. Millie noticed an outline in the floor beneath the back seats and pulled a nearby handle, revealing a convenient rocket launcher. "Hey, shove this where the sun don't shine!" taunted Millie as she fired a missile towards the pursuing coppers. The resulting spectacular explosion sent burning wheels and charred chassises flying. Unfortunately, the Pricks in the Ponce-y Purple Car weren't out of the woods yet, as a large armored SWAT van emerged from the flames. Millie fired another rocket, only for it to be as effective as trying to break into Fort Knox with a water balloon. "Ah shit! Hey, mask guy, can't you make this thing go any faster!?" shouted Millie to Kenny as she continued loading and firing rockets at the advancing SWAT van. "Dammit, I'm trying!" replied Kenny, pressing the gas pedal to the floor.
As Kenny's car continued roaring down the street, the officers driving the pursuing SWAT van received a radio message. "Just got word back from the station, boys. Lethal force has been authorized!" With the flick of a switch a mounted .50 caliber machine gun emerged from the van's roof. "What the-" as Kenny looked into his rear mirror to see what was going on, he managed to get a split-second view of the machine gun turret before the mirror got shot off. "Everybody get down!" he shouted as the SWAT's machine gun opened fire. Everyone in the car ducked down as oversized bullets whizzed by. "Jesus Christ, the cops here don't fuck around, huh!?" remarked Verosika to Shaundi, who was reloading her handgun. "You think this is bad!? You shoulda seen what Stilwater's police were like! Now hand me that grenade-!"
Kenny swerved a nearby corner in attempt to shake the van, only to see that the cops had now also busted out an attack helicopter. "Son of a bitch!" shouted Kenny as now hails of bullets were coming from 2 directions. He pulled out his phone in hopes that Kinzie would be able to help, what with all her technological-know-how. Unfortunately, all he got was her voicemail message. "Of friggin' course..." angrily muttered Kenny as he continued down the road. Eventually, the police decided that bullets weren't enough and felt the need to get a bit more hands-on. The various vans and patrol cars in pursuit of the group began slamming against Kenny's ride. "They're ramming us!? What next, they gonna roll out the tanks!?" screamed Kenny as he narrowly zipped past what was unmistakably a tank. Shaundi opened her mouth, but was interrupted. "Not a damn word, Shaundi." Kenny looked to the back seats. "Yo, Millie, was it!? You still throwing rockets at our tails!?" Millie aimed the rocket launcher at the SWAT van right behind them, only to be met with a click. "Damn! It's empty!" shouted Millie back to Kenny.
As Kenny was attempting to ensure they made it to Saints HQ in one piece, the others in the back had resorted to lobbing grenades they'd found in a duffel bag at their pursuers. Krieg stood up to throw several he'd managed to glue together. "YESYESYES EXPLODE YES!!!" cackled the Psycho as he threw his volleyball-sized IED towards a crowd of several patrol cars, sending burning scrap metal flying. Unfortunately, one of these scraps wound up hitting Krieg square in the face. "GAH!" Krieg clutched his forehead as he fell out of Kenny's car and onto the hood of a police car next to it. Coming to his senses, the Psycho saw that not only was he currently lying on a patrol car's hood, but that the SWAT van behind it was feeling a bit overzealous today. "BOGIE'S IN FRONT OF US!! LET'S TAKE 'IM OUT!!" The cops driving the patrol looked behind them to see their colleagues about to plow their van into them. "Hey-WHAT THE FU-" KRRNCH!! As the van totaled the patrol car, Krieg found himself slamming against the van's windshield. "Damn, bogie's still not down! Try n' shake him off!" The SWAT van swerved side-to-side attempting to get Krieg off. Krieg looked and saw that everyone in Kenny's car was still under fire from both the helicopter and van's machine guns. An ambiguously metaphorical lightbulb flashed over Krieg's head as he got an idea.
Krieg peeled himself from the SWAT van's windshield and climbed onto the roof. "Bogie is now on top of the van! Repeat, bogie's on the roof!" yelled one of the officers in the van. The van's machine gunner concentrated his fire onto the purple muscle car, when he suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder. The gunner turned to see Krieg's fist. Krieg punched the gunner out of the machine gun's access port and onto the tarmac below. Then, utilizing his brute strength, tore the 50. caliber gun from its mount and took aim at the police helicopter. "IT IS TIME! FOR THE 50. CALIBER CRESCENDO!" Krieg unleashed a flurry of oversized bullets at the helicopter, making metallic Swiss cheese out of it. "WE'RE TAKING HEAVY FIRE, MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYDA-AAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!!" The helicopter pilot screamed as he crashed against the ground in yet another fiery explosion.
"Haha, hell yeah, Krieg!" cheered Millie as she tossed Krieg a grenade. Krieg caught Millie's grenade and tossed it down into the hole where the machine gun was once mounted. As Krieg leapt from the SWAT van back into Kenny's car, the grenade detonated, blowing out the van's windows and presumably obliterating all the officers inside. "Gimme me some, my man!" Kenny turned to fist-bump Krieg. "Eyes on the road, dude!" yelled Shaundi as Kenny turned back to the steering wheel to see that they were headed straight into an active construction zone and a conveniently ramp-shaped pile of dirt. The group screamed they went flying.
Back at Saints HQ, Pierce and Oleg were playing chess, along with some light trash-talk. "You know, Pierce, maybe if you put as much effort into formulating your plans as much as you did advertising those energy drinks, perhaps Gat wouldn't be doubtful of your ability." said Oleg, smirking. "Well at least I'm not the one who gets their tongue stuck in bottles of Absolut on a regular basis." retorted Pierce, nearly about to claim checkmate, when he got a call from Shaundi. "Hey, Shaundi, what's up?" "Pierce!? You and Oleg might wanna get outta the way-!" Pierce and Oleg turned to see Kenny's muscle car flying straight towards them. "HOLY SHIT!!" shouted Pierce as he and Oleg leapt out of the car's path as it crashed through the window and barreled into the room, before eventually coming to a stop, on its wheels, no less! Pierce picked himself up to see Kenny and Shaundi getting out of the wrecked muscle car, along with Krieg, Verosika, Millie, Moxxie, and Saul, who'd been passed out during the police chase. "Jesus friggin' Christ! What the hell happened to you guys!? Kenny's car's covered in more holes than a gas station bathroom stall!" yelled Pierce, heading over to make sure Shaundi and Kenny were alright. "Eh, well, Johnny wanted to fight Judge Dredd, and he happened to be presiding over a case involving our friends over here..." Kenny motioned over to Krieg and company. "...and next thing you know, we're in the middle of a high speed chase with the police. Never thought I'd be thankful for road work until now." "Wait, Johnny's not with you? Where is he then?" asked Pierce.
As if on cue, a news report popped up on a nearby tv about how Johnny Gat had been apprehended by Judge Dredd. "Shit, that's gonna be an expensive bail to pay..." cursed Pierce. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the room, Saul spoke with Verosika, Krieg, and the imps. "I swear to God, working for Mr. White is less stressful than what's happened today! I'd better be seeing some additional compensation!" yelled Saul, clearly angry about the fight in the courtroom and the following chase. "Well look, Saul, I already paid you in advance, I don't know what the fuck else you want from me!" retorted Verosika, when Oleg came up to the group. "Do not worry, Miss Mayday, I can cover this." Oleg pulled a large wad of cash from his jacket and tossed it over to Saul. "There you go, Mr. Goodman, that should cover everything." said Oleg, grinning. Saul, looking at the cash, nodded and pocketed it. "Well, thank you. I hope that the rest your day isn't as violent as earlier, though I'm not entirely sure I look forward to working with you again." said Saul as he walked towards the elevator.
Oleg chuckled. "Well, that appears to be over with for now. Now come, let us unwind. I could show you a few cocktails that might pique your interests." Oleg led the group over to a nearby bar in the penthouse. As Moxxie proceeded to lapse into drunken nonsense from a single swig of Peach Bellini, much to Millie's amusement, Oleg looked over at Krieg. "Hmmm, you know, Krieg, I must ask, what is with your mask?" asked Oleg. "I am simply curious as to why you never seem to take it off. Is it like with Kenny's luchador mask in that removing it would bring dishonor? Is it what is keeping you alive?" As Oleg inquired Krieg, the psycho's stare became vacant as less-than-pleasant memories began forming in his head. Memories of what Hyperion had done to him. Drills. Syringes. Saws. Wires. All tearing through his body. "I'm-I'm starting to remember...the memories...no...NO! NEVER REMEMBER!! STAB THE MEMORIES!!! KEEP THEM DOWN WITH A KNIFE AND TWIST IT IN UNTIL THE SENTIMENTAL SACRILEGE BLEEDS OUT SILENTLY IN THE CORRIDORS OF MY WRETCHED MIND!!!" screamed Krieg as he began slamming his head against the counter, much to Oleg's panic. "Woah! Okay, okay, I will not press any further about the mask!"
After several hours of mingling and wondering how they're planning on getting Gat out of jail, Oleg and Pierce accompanied Krieg and the demons at the entrance of Saints HQ, where after giving Blitzo a call, a portal back to Hell appeared before Millie, carrying a drunken Moxxie, and Verosika. "Well, today was a whole lotta fun, wasn't it, Mox?" asked Millie to the intoxicated husband in her arms. "-urp- Hahahaha, who's the possum now!?" slurred Moxxie, hardly able to stand on his own. "Well, Krieg, we've gotta be headin' home now, but hangin' out with you's been shitloads'a fun!" "Errrrrr-hand me that oboe! I'll give those scientists therrrrrrrh..." belched Moxxie, falling back into a drunken stupor. Verosika giggled as she walked up to Krieg. "Well, Krieg, you're definitely unlike anyone else I've been with before, and personally, can't wait for whatever insane shit you get involved with next." Verosika gave Krieg a kiss on his mask's cheek, Krieg blushing underneath. "Oh, and don't forget, you ever get lonely, just sling me a call." said Verosika as she and the imps walked through the portal back to the Netherrealm.
There was definitely a lot going through Krieg's head regarding everything that had transpired within whatever timeframe these last 30 chapters had taken place over, what with the demons, Norse gods, mythological creatures, space marines, and other oddities. "You know, maybe our situation isn't so bad after all." remarked Krieg's sane personality. "I mean, we've befriended demons and gods alike, fought a gigantic snake and a giant Handsome Jack mech-suit. I mean, you gotta admit that's inherently awesome.But I'm also impressed by how well we hit it off with Verosika. I mean, how many other Vault Hunters can say that they've got a succubus girlfriend?" "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BLOODLETTING!?" interjected Krieg's psycho personality. "WE CAN'T CHASE THE PERVERSE PUPPETS THROUGH THE MINCEMEAT WHEN THERE'S A HORNED PINK PIT IN ITS MIDST!!!" "Easy, buddy. We can still get our murdering fix in. We'll just be putting a little time aside for Verosika, that's all." reassured Sane Krieg. Krieg's ECHO began buzzing, so he picked it up and pressed a button. "Hey, Krieg!" exclaimed Scooter's voice from the ECHO. "Just so you know, Lilith's sendin' to pick you up n' bring you back to Pandora! Imma send where I'm gon' land to yer ECHO so that you can find me. Just keep an eye out for the dropship with the sick-ass Catch-A-Ride paint job, 'Kay?" And with that, Krieg began heading for the rendezvous, awaiting the next time he'd get to see Millie & Moxxie and do more crazy shit with them, blissfully unaware of the author's intent to escalate this already dumb and convoluted plot to new heights of nonsense.
THE END
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For real, that's it for now.
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Why are you still scrolling?
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Oh, lemme guess, you're expecting some sort of epilogue to segue into the next part of this narrative. Well tough luck, you're gonna have to wait for Vault Hunters In Hell Part 2.
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Wait, there IS going to be an epilogue!?
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NO! Dramatic epilogues are so overused! They just spoil what's gonna happen next!
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DO NOT CUT ME OFF! NO! DON'T YOU FUCKING DAR-!