By Kalnaman and co-written with Malinga
Spencer looked disappointed at Hotch. "Can't you bend the rules a little? Please. It's embarrassing that I need a babysitter to follow me into the bathroom."
"I'm really sorry, Spencer, but no I can't… at least not until I can trust you not to harm yourself." Hotch told him. He then gave him a sign to do his business. "I don't have to go anymore." Spencer said, and left the bathroom with Hotch following him.
Hotch had a feeling he knew what Spencer wanted to do in the bathroom. He wanted to either cut himself or throw up - or both. He let out a loud sigh. He was worried whether he would have strength enough to help Spencer. He had a bad feeling they had a long hard road ahead of them. Hotch hoped that Gideon would get home soon, and that he would help him take care of Reid and make sure he wouldn't end up in a mental institution for the rest of his life like his mother.
"Spencer, let's take a seat. We need to talk about some important things - about where we're going from here. What is going to happen."
"Hotch, please. Can't we just forget what I've done? If I promise that I'll never do it ever again, and that I'll come to you if it's too much? We can just let Dr. Norman think that I've moved in with you and that I'm seeing that therapist." Spencer looked pleadingly into Hotch's eyes.
Hotch wanted to avoid those pleading brown eyes, but he knew that he needed to be strong and firm. To stand his ground, if he wanted to help Spencer. He shook his head sadly. "No sorry, Spencer. We have failed you and I promise we… I won't fail you again. So I'll do whatever is in my power to protect you - even from yourself." Hotch said, and then placed his right hand on the small of Spencer's back. "Come on let's take a seat."
When they had taken a seat, Hotch started to explain to Spencer what he knew at the moment that was going to happen. "I promised your family lawyer to call him when we return to Quantico, and then he'll come meet us at my apartment…"
Spencer looked confused, "Why do we need to talk to him?"
"Because we need to go over the power of attorney you've given Gideon and me. Spencer…" Hotch said firmly. "I'm going to use that power of attorney you've given me. From now on, until I know you can handle your own affairs, I'll handle it for you. I haven't been able to talk to Gideon yet, but I'm sure he'll do so as well along with me.
"W-what d-does that m-mean f-for me?"
"It means that the only things you have to think of are yourself, getting better and following the rules Gideon and I give you. We'll make sure you get enough food and sleep. We'll handle your paper work, your mother's affairs and just about everything there is to think about. For a change someone is taking care of you Spencer, and please let us. Let us transfer all of your responsibilities unto us. You've never tried to not have any responsibilities? Not even as a child, have you?"
Spencer shook his head sadly. "No. When my dad was still living with us he wasn't home much. He worked a lot. I had to make sure mom didn't hurt herself, and make sure she took her medication and took it on time. But we had fun times too, my mom and I, I mean. Sometimes she was well enough to read me stories, and when she couldn't, I read her stories instead. My dad wanted me to do normal child stuff too, so he signed me up for the little league team. I wasn't good at baseball or at any sport for that matter. And I knew he was disappointed. He may have been a little proud that I was a boy genius, but I always had a feeling that he'd rather have had a normal boy and that's why he left me and my mom and never looked back." Spencer said, as tears ran freely down his cheeks, and his cries turned into sobs. Hotch hurried to his side and hugged him. He talked soothingly to him and rocked him back and forth. Spencer was so exhausted that he fell asleep in Hotch's arms.
About half an hour later, Hotch's body started to ache, so he was forced to get the boy out of his arms. He gently lay him down and pulled a blanket over him. Hotch stayed close by and kept an eye on him.
When they landed in Quantico, Hotch hated having to wake up Spencer. He'd slept through the flight without waking up or having any nightmares, and that only confirmed to Hotch that Spencer really was exhausted. "Spencer. We're in Quantico… wake up Spencer." It took Spencer a few minutes to wake up. "I-I'm sorry Hotch."
"For what?"
"Falling asleep."
"You needed the sleep, Spencer. And you'll need lots more and I'll make sure that you'll get enough of it. How much have you been sleeping since the Hankel case?"
Spencer made sure not to look Hotch in the eye when he said, "Enough."
Hotch took hold of his chin and made him look him in the eye, "Say that again… the truth now!"
"N-not m-much, almost n-no sleep a-at all. Because of nightmares. They keep haunting me!"
Hotch nodded sadly, that was what Dr. Norman had feared. "Spencer. You're not alone anymore. I'll keep watch over you when you sleep, and I'll help you through this. Do you need to go to the bathroom before we leave the jet?" Spencer nodded and stood up and walked to the bathroom. When Hotch followed him inside he let out a sigh. He'd hoped it had been a bad dream that Hotch had to follow him every time he had to go to the bathroom.
Spencer hesitated at the toilet. "I'll turn around and you can do your business," Hotch said and turned around. Spencer opened his fly and did what he had to do to be able to pee. He feared the moment when he had to do number two as well. And he so didn't look forward to it. He so wished for a big shot of Dilaudid, or rather a knife to cut. He needed to feel pain so he could subdue the cravings for the drugs. He hoped he would be able to have an unsupervised moment to himself, so he could cut - just a little. He would stop as soon as the cravings disappeared.
oOo
As they went inside Hotch's apartment, Hotch said, "Let's go into your new room. Sorry, but I need to look in all the bags you brought with you from Las Vegas. I need to make sure you don't have any sharp objects or drugs on you."
"Hotch, please. Don't treat me like a criminal!"
Hotch looked at him firmly. "Spencer, calm down! I'm not treating you as a criminal. I'm treating you like I would one who is on suicide watch, as you kind of are. I don't want to find you dead one day, either from an overdose, or because you cut too deep!"
"Why do you care?! You didn't care before! Neither did Gideon, Morgan, JJ, Emily or Garcia! You just pretended that nothing had happened!"
"I'm sorry about that. I really am. Dr. Norman opened my eyes. I just wished that I'd come to my senses on my own. I really do care Spencer. I-I love you!"
Spencer looked at Hotch, shocked. "Y-you love m-me?"
"Yes, not as someone who wants to be your lover, but as someone who wants to be a father or a brother to you. You're my family Spencer."
Spencer smiled shyly. Hotch showed him to his room by gently pushing him with his hand on the small of Spencer's back. Spencer was surprised when he noticed that his books and the clothes he'd left in his apartment were in the room, and looked questioningly at Hotch. "I called Emily and asked her to get some things from your apartment." Spencer looked shocked. "How dare you?!"
"I dared because you gave me power of attorney. Because you obviously trust me to handle your affairs. Now let's unpack." Hotch went through Spencer's bags, as he'd told Spencer he would. And he was sad to find Dilaudid and some bloody knives. He looked at Spencer, who blushed in shame. And Hotch let out a sigh. "Sorry, Spencer, but I'll need to confiscate these. And so you know; I got Emily to lock up all my knives, sharp objects and medications. Gideon and I will be the only ones to have keys for the locks, and of course if Morgan or someone else is babysitting you, they will get the keys while they are here."
"I don't want any babysitters, I've never had any before, and I don't need one now," Spencer whined.
"It's nonnegotiable, Spencer. Now to the rules. You're not allowed to leave this apartment on your own. When you are better, I will assign you some chores, but for now you are allowed to just be a child for once…"
"But I'm not a child."
"I know, but let yourself loose. Let yourself be free like a child. It's about time you experienced how it is to be a child."
Spencer just shrugged his shoulders.
"As you know, you're not allowed to go to the bathroom alone. What you don't know is that it'll be locked when not used, so that I won't have to remove the mirror in there."
Spencer looked shocked again.
"I'm afraid so, Spencer. I know it may sound a bit extreme, even cruel and I'll hate it too, Spencer. But it's necessary."
Throughout Hotch's speech, Spencer's face started morphing from shock to pure rage. 'How dare he treat me like that?' Spencer's thoughts started rampaging in his head. 'He is treating me like some demented junkie who doesn't know where he is or what he is doing'. He knew what he was doing very well, he'd given everything much thought and knew he was doing the right thing, so who was he to question his decisions? He certainly wasn't his father, and Reid was now starting to doubt that he was even his friend anymore. With those thoughts swirling around in his mind, Reid's temper started boiling, until he simply exploded.
"Who the HELL do you think you are?" Reid spat in his superior's face, "You think you hold some kind of mystic chalice, that you're the holder of all that's true and right? Or you just see yourself as some divine protector of the sickly inadequate and the mentally deranged? Is that it?"
"Spencer, please calm down!"
"No! I won't calm down till you let me go! I want to go to my apartment and be my own man!"
"Sorry, but no can do! If you haven't calmed down on the count of three, you won't like the consequences!"
"And what consequences might those be? I'm already not allowed to leave this place on my own, or even take a piss on my own either!!"
"Spencer Reid, language! One…"
Spencer snorted, "Consequences? Counting to three?" He scoffed, "So you do see yourself as a divine protector and care-taker of humanity." Spencer mocked, "Well, news flash, Hotch. You are NOT! And like it or not; your omnipresence is NOT needed, nor is it WANTED! I can take care of myself!" Reid was at screaming point by now, punctuating every word with a mad wave of his fisted hand. "This is MY life, Hotch and I'll do with it as I please. So if I need a little something here and there in order cope, or if I need to cut here and there in order to not NEED that little something in order to cope ,then it's MY decision to make, and mine alone! So why don't you leave me the HELL ALONE!!!" He screamed and spun around to stomp out of the door, and out of the apartment itself.
Hotch didn't need to hurry to catch Spencer, because he'd locked the door when they arrived and Spencer didn't have the key to unlock it. When he was at the exit, he noticed Spencer furiously trying to open the door with no luck.
"Two…"
Spencer was so furious. He wanted to cut so badly. He looked around; he noticed a shoe and picked it up. He looked at Hotch and thought for a few seconds, and then he threw it at Hotch. Luckily the shoe didn't hit Hotch in his face, but it had been very close.
"Three!" Hotch grabbed Spencer, dragged him into the bedroom and placed him over his lap and then he did something he never would have thought he'd ever do to Spencer; he spanked him.
TBC