Notes: -twitch- I don't know what's wrong with me. I turned to fairytales – not a good idea, in retrospect, since they're absolutely gruesome. And I felt the need to distort it, as I do with everything else.
Warnings: This is blatant parody, illogical CRACK, AU and OOC (Itachi! Hinata! Madara! Everyone! I might as well change the names!). This follows the fairytale more than it does Naruto-canon-verse. If you do not want your childhood memories tainted, stop reading, I swear.
AND IT'S NOT REALLY ITAHINA UNLESS YOU SQUINT.
Disclaimer: Kishimoto… and the Grimm Brothers, I think. I'm heavily leaning on the original fairytale for structure as well, since I'm sorely lacking creativity right now.
Rumpelstiltskin
Under the cover of the leaves, in a village well-hidden from enemies and alliances alike, there existed a clan that was as proud as it was affluent, and pigheaded about tradition as it was old. The clan head, you must know, had a very beautiful – though she hid it behind a jacket that may easily pass for a tent – daughter. She was moreover, very sharp and determined, but entirely too meek and sweet to take advantage of others the way the rest of her clan did to advance their position.
Because of this, her father grew weary and impatient and was hitting rock-bottom and starting to dig. He had to find a way to make a ruthless kunoichi and a worthy clan head of the daughter.
(He actually had another daughter, but he knew very well the disastrous chain of events that daughter could instigate, the most mild of which would result in temporary exile and the most wild… in complete annihilation of the bloodline. So, nevermind.)
One day, in a fit of either inspiration or demonic hallucinations brought upon by the incense he continuously inhaled as per tradition, he ordered her to join the ANBU Black Ops.
Discipline. Competence. Stolidity. She'd learn all these necessary traits in ANBU, where said traits were heavily drilled into rookies (incidentally, right before the Annual ANBU-Police Force Joint Survival Training and Competition and Family Picnic).
And, before the waylaid daughter could get a stutter out, he sent her off with the two fastest shinobis of the clan to the headquarters, more specifically into the post of one infamous ANBU captain, who took one look and correctly assessed the situation:
Another obstinate scheme at the expense of the village.
However, this ANBU captain, ever mindful of how outright rejection of this new recruit could incite anything from messy diplomatic relations to bloody clan wars, mulled over a scheme to decline her application without too many consequences (because such things were inevitable).
He activated his bloodline limit and gave her the… spinning wheel… eyes.
Classic intimidation tactics always work best in preposterous situations.
But the girl was no stranger to bloodline limits, especially of the doujutsu variety and mustered up a veiny glare of her own.
This called for more drastic, though never desperate, measures.
"Before you join ANBU, you must clear out training ground 45… with fire techniques."
The captain said unemotionally, surreptitiously referring to the list of impossible tasks his bestfriend had prepared for situations such as these where one needed a mercilessly strident and woefully transparent keep-off-our-turf signal.
Sub-list for distinctly water technique users, as the girl clearly demonstrated in the Chuunin exams where, if he remembered correctly, gave his younger brother a run for his money. And his pants, much to the delight of their cohorts and en masse nosebleed.
"By tomorrow morning, if you want this position."
It was in vain that the frustrated kunoichi protested that she was of water affinity, couldn't he understand that? But she was left alone, with the dilemma of having to face her father yet again to disappoint him or actually trying to do something as impossible as spinning gold out of hay.
Later, as she wandered about the training ground she had to raze somehow – using ninjutsu because that captain would surely be able to tell if she cheated, which would likely get her booted out even faster and more shamefully – a droll-looking man in a mask strutted out from behind some pines.
"Good morrow to you, little ninja, why do you look as though you've picked up the tab after an Akimichi?"
The kunoicihi stiffened, then readily fell into a Jyuuken stance. How did this unknown man infiltrate this deep into Konoha and this close without her noticing?
"Whoa, whoa, it's okay," The man – an S-class missing nin, for all she knew – said cheerily. "Tobi is a good boy who wants to help."
The girl carefully probed his chakra. It was familiar, especially the swirling about the eyes… she relaxed slightly. She knew this type of chakra pattern, or at least she knew the particular clan it belonged to. And, as far as she could tell, none of them had gone missing-nin.
Yet.
(The clan matriarch had been looking a little dodgy lately.)
She couldn't tell exactly who this man was though, since she had never used her natural born abilities to scope the males of that clan, no matter how many times her classmates asked (demanded rather).
(Well, one time, on that adorably curly-haired male with the doryoku. Since he didn't look like he would eviscerate her if her caught on to her spying. A little mortifying mind-control, maybe, to teach her a lesson on spying better or on less able targets, but nothing too lethal.)
"T-tobi." She cocked her head to the side as she tried to associate the name to a face and came up zilch. "U-unless you can teach me how to use f-fire techniques, there is really nothing y-you can do to help. T-thank you very much for you offer, however."
"I can teach you that."
"Y-you can't. I-I'm water –"
Tobi facetiously waved that detail off. "The important thing is, what will you give me to do it?"
Hinata was instantly red and instantly leery, ready to Hakke at him should he make one suspicious move.
"You misunderstand. A technique – let me copy a technique. Eye for an eye, and all that."
Hinata thought she could see him smirking beneath that mask. Nope, not thought, she did see him smirking beneath that mask.
"A-any technique?"
A brusque nod.
…
Round about, round about
Spin and spin and bleed
Reel away, real away
Done's the fiery deed
…
When the ANBU captain came the next day and saw the smoking remains of the wood and the traces of leftover chakra, he was greatly astonished and instantly suspicious. When a kunoichi could use a technique that wasn't her forte, it was remarkable. When she could use it to this magnitude, it was a matter of national security.
He put her on his personal surveillance radar. Got some ribbing for it too.
…
"W-what do you mean it's n-not enough to join ANBU?"
"Ninjutsu is merely a portion of the roster of abilities you need for ANBU," The captain explained calmly. "You also need to be able to carry out solo tasks swiftly and efficiently. Hence, a B-class subdue-and-capture mission. It is fully within your capacity. However, you must finish it in a quarter of the time allotted."
"T-that's impossible! That's all the time I need to f-find the target!"
"That's ANBU."
Or whatever his best friend though ANBU-level ninjas should be capable of. But then he used him as a measuring stick. It was horribly unfair.
A huge oversight.
Or, more likely, since his bestfriend was a deputy captain in the police force, deliberate sabotage.
…
"So which technique will you offer this time? Will it be as asinine as Sexy no Jutsu?" Tobi asked as he, like a ghost, followed her on the mission.
She had scraped the barrel with that, becoming part of the great chain of perversity that was as old and timeless as the village itself.
"It's h-hard – you know so many a-already."
"Will you tell me about the Jyuuken then? Even academy level knowledge of it would be useful."
"Y-you don't know it?"
Tobi just smiled.
…
Round about, round about
Spin and spin and bleed
Reel away, real away
Target's a captured kid
…
When the ANBU captain saw the captured bounty, still in the dregs of a petrifyingly potent genjutsu, his own illusionist's eyes narrowed.
Although he was greatly delighted to have that task done with at least, because his irrepressible brother had been gunning for it himself and, considering it was a solo, supposedly-week-long mission, the ANBU captain could do without worrying himself into a right state during that duration.
Stupid older brother complex.
But something was not quite right here.
"You can join ANBU… if you beat me in a spar. Tomorrow morning."
"T-that's ridiculous. Y-you're an ANBU captain."
"How about a rematch with my brother?"
It sounded clever in his mind, sharp as shuriken and quick as kunai. Two birds with one stone. His brother might finally stop trying to incite random aggressions between the clans in vengeance and the girl would, hopefully, walk away in honorable grace.
A rematch? The girl thought in horror. Forget turning straw to gold. In terms of alchemy, he was positively asking her to bring someone back from the dead.
And, as formidable as the Byakugan was, it was no Rinnegan.
…
"I have no t-techniques left."
"Your first child then."
"A-are you crazy?" One of her eyes, valuable enough to start a new world war, twitched. There was an idea.
"Give me a Byakugan eye."
"N-no way."
"Teach me the Caged Bird seal."
"I-I don't know it either."
"How about your first kiss?"
The girl frowned, sighed and nodded.
Rules of shinobi conduct – do everything possible to secure the success of the mission.
She was a kunoichi after all. And slut was part of the job description somewhere.
"I was kidding. What need do I have for first kisses? Especially those of scatterbrained teenaged kids."
"Y-you sound like an old man when you say that."
"Just remember you owe me. I will collect one day."
…
Round about, round about
Spin and spin and bleed
Reel away, real away
On victor's wine you'll feed
…
And, in a horrifying upset, she beat him.
A disrobing was severely prohibited, however. There was no need to debilitate perhaps three-quarters of their kunoichi population after all, even when they lobbied for it with outrageous rabid unity from the stands.
…
With her induction into ANBU, the girl was very glad because her father was very glad.
Most everyone else was still appallingly in shock and unnecessarily occupying up hospital beds as they drooled in denial.
The ANBU captain himself, however, very gracefully accepted the defeat. He was continually watching her like a hawk, unfortunately, as though she would suddenly vomit up the Nine-tails at them.
Tobi, also, she could find neither hair nor hide of, even with her stellar mutated vision.
Which made him either a ghost or a whacked up, jutsu-stealing fairy godmother.
…
He proved himself to be neither since coming back into her life at the worst possible moment.
Just when she began dating the ANBU captain. Because, even though he'd put her through hell in the beginning, he was fine and excellent and positively a drug to her system.
"I guess I'll settle for the first kiss."
She was suddenly a little more possessive of said item.
"Y-you can't be serious."
"And you said you don't go back on your word." Damn, he remembered it.
"C-can't I do anything else?"
"How about a game? Double or nothing."
"W-what sort of game?"
"You're not really in a position to bargain. And don't cry either. I will not be moved."
"I w-wasn't about to cry!" She was a kunoichi, for heaven's sake, and she didn't need this man's patronage. "F-fine. I accept."
"Three minutes, and if during that time you tell me my name, you're free of me. I won't come after your clan or anything."
What did her clan have to do with this?
"Tobi?"
"Obviously, I'm not."
Now the kunoichi racked her brain and thought of all the Uchiha she knew, all those odd characters she had to meet in both official and familial capacity, narrowing the list down to those who were gifted enough to create the most elaborate genjutsu.
"Itachi?"
"I can be him, if you want."
"Sasuke – that had better not be you."
"Please, no. I would not help you against myself."
"Shisui-san?"
"It would be awful if I were, yes? To betray a best friend like that?"
"Maybe it is Kakashi-sensei?" He would be lecherous enough to try something like this.
"Not that Sharingan-stealer, no."
Madara began humming a tune beneath his breath that caused shivers to dance over her skin like wickedly itchy chakra blades.
Merrily the tailed beasts I'll take
Today I'll kill, tomorrow I'll bake
Merrily I'll plot and scheme
But in a sec the Hyuuga girl will scream
(In frustration, I'll bet.)
Obviously under pressure now, logic abandoned her.
"It's not Fugaku-sama, please?"
"…"
"Not Mikoto-sama, dear gods?"
"That's ridiculous."
"Madara, leave her alone." The brave and gallant (no.) ANBU captain stepped in.
"M-Madara?!"
"Itachi, you already foiled my massacre. Must you spoil every bit of fun I have? Tch, no honor for your ancestors." Madara grumbled. "You witch."
(No, he said something else that rhymed with witch and that should never be found in a 200-year-old-legend's vocabulary, especially when referring to another man.)
"I apparently have a stake in this so I believe honor can be bypassed." The captain said calmly. "Now, I must insist stop reneging on our agreement and leave Konoha alone."
And stop trying to steal maidens' first kisses. Went the hidden message.
"Fine, you're off the hook." With that, he disappeared.
And when the girl heard this, she turned nervously to the captain, fighting the mad urge to poke her fingers together. Somewhere in that domineering gaze was her beloved and her captain, but currently it was veering heavily towards CAPTAIN. The scary ogre one.
"A h-happy ending?"
And he gave her a smile that could have meant anything from torturous interrogation to superb paperwork to fairytale romances.
…
XDDD WAAAHHHHH. I want to CRY at this monstrosity I made out of the scraps of my favorite childhood tale. Read it over several times and decided, yes, it was hopeless, might as well post it now. The next one I dearly hope will not be as dopey.