(So this is Chapter two. I don't have a beta, this will probably be another chapter or two, I am not sure how much I like it, but I DO like the angst. I would like to thank all of you who alerted my story, sorry about the wait. Please remember to review! I love reviews :) I also spoke of Judaism briefly. I am Catholic but I did google that while they don't focus on heaven, I figured for the sake of a child it can be added in there. Thanks for reading. Also, I don't own glee.)
"Do you think this will work?" Rachel whispered looking over at her husband. Was this what they needed? A fresh start and a chance to move on? Moving back to Lima did give them the support they needed. Her father's, his mother and sister, plus they would be closer to Caroline, and it was the place they decided to bury their son.
"It will work Berry. I promise." Noah clasped her hand in his and kissed it softly. The ten hour car ride became a day and a half between Rachel's bladder and Amalia's fatigue, they stayed the night in Pittsburg and finally they were within the City limits. They flew the last time they came home. Mere three months ago when they buried their son.
Pulling up to her fathers' house, Rachel got out of the car and stretched while Noah went to the back and picked up their sleeping daughter. Amalia reminded him of Rachel. She looked just like her with dark curls and big brown eyes. She was a petite little thing who has gone through so much in the past few months than most people go through in their lifetime.
"Daddy we home?" His daughter asked and Noah nodded. This was home. The place where he and Rachel had grown up, and the place where they met and fell in love. This was their home in every single way. This was Gideon's home.
"We're home." He walked over to Rachel and pulled her to him. She was still resistant but she wrapped her arms around his waist and kissed Amalia.
"Mama." Amalia reached for mother and Rachel held her daughter gingerly on her hip. Kissing her curly hair Rachel sighed and slowly walked to the door. The door flew open without her knocking and her fathers' took her in their arms. Holding on to their daughter as she cried.
They were staying with her fathers' until they found a place of their own. The Barry's home was bigger than Noah's mother's home. When they visited, Noah and Rachel usually slept in her old bedroom, while the guest bedroom was converted into room for their grandchildren. Their first night home, Amalia refused to sleep in that room.
"Would you like mama to sing to you Amalia?" Rachel asked as she sat on the couch holding her daughter. At moments like this she realized Leah and Noah were the last connections she had to her son. Holding her daughter to her tighter, Leah looked up at her as Rachel brushed back her hair and kissed her nose. In all reality she didn't look much like her brother. They had the same dark curls, while everything else was Rachel. Her eyes, her mouth, while her nose came from Noah. She was a beautiful child though. She really was.
"May I sleep with you?" Amalia hugged her tightly as Rachel looked over at Noah. He knew from that one look what her answer was. They said goodnight to Steve and Aaron Berry and made their way up to Rachel's old room. It was a hard fit. The bed was queen sized, and while it would fit them perfectly together, add in a thirty pound three year old and a pregnant belly, it's safe to say Noah found himself on the couch that night.
Amalia Puckerman was like her mother, an early riser. The tiny girl climbed out of bed, barely reaching the bottom of the bed as she ran downstairs to the living room. Spotting her father, she pulled back his eye lid and giggled hysterically. "Daddy up!" She exclaimed bouncing on her father's stomach and kissing him sloppily on the lips.
"Good morning to you too." Noah yawned noting it was still dark out. Opening his eyes, he gripped his daughter as he sat up and smirked. She had seemed to inherit his mother's Jewfro. Amalia's hair grew up instead of down, her wild curls seemed endless. "Someone needs a bath." He mumbled carrying his daughter to the kitchen and turning on the coffee maker. He seemed to be the first one up.
Grabbing his daughter a sippy cup, he placed her on a chair and began making breakfast for the family as he listened to his daughter whisper and giggle to herself. "Who are you talking to baby girl?" He asked as he began scrabbling eggs the way Rachel liked.
"My friend!" She giggled once again and leaned over the chair to whisper. She really was her mother's daughter. Sometimes he just didn't get her. She reminded him of Brittany. God he hoped Rachel's gene's kicked in.
The smell of cooking bacon woke the household up. Steve and Aaron both came downstairs and poured themselves a cup of coffee as they kissed their beloved granddaughter on the cheek. Amalia giggled, and Noah knew his daughter had her grandfathers wrapped around her tiny fingers. The only drawback to them living in New York for so long as that their children didn't get to see their grandparents often, that he didn't get to see Caroline as often. His little girl was nearly seven now. He saw her right after Gideon died. It's been too long.
"I'm going to go wake mommy." He was looking at his daughter as he spoke. Amalia giggled once again as Noah made his way upstairs and into the bedroom. Rachel was standing in front of the mirror in just a bra and panties. The sight of his pregnant wife always turned him on. There was something so… incredible about seeing her swollen with his child, but he could tell by the look on her face she was upset. "You alright babe?" He asked slowly walking towards her and wrapping his arms around her swollen stomach.
"I'm fine." Rachel liked to think she was a good actress as she smiled up at Noah, but she knew he saw through her lies. He always did. "I'm happy we're home… I'm just… "Then her emotions got the best of her and she was crying again. It's been three months since they lost Gideon. Three months of pure hell but he was ready to move on. Noah wanted to focus on the future. While he loved his son more than life itself, Gideon was gone. Nothing was going to bring him back, but he had a beautiful wife, two healthy daughters and two more on the way. If he focused on the past he was so afraid he would slip away, become a person he didn't even know it was easier to focus on the future.
"I know baby, I know… I miss him too." He kissed her forehead as Rachel cried into his arms pulling her into bed with him, Noah held her for a moment. "Think of Amalia. Please Rach? Think of her. She needs you." He kissed her forehead once again. "I need you." He kissed her cheeks. "We all need you. Come back to me Rachel." He couldn't take the broken shell that his wife has become. Rachel sniffled and nodded her head. Sitting up, she wiped away her tears and untangled herself from his arms as she got changed.
He watched her in slight awe. She was an amazing actress. She fixed her makeup and for the first time since they lost her son she looked like herself. "Is this better?" She asked. It was hard for her, acting like none of this mattered, like she could move on, but Noah was right. Gideon wouldn't want mama to lie in bed all day, Gideon was always on the go. He loved it best when they did fun things like they once did. She was doing this, for her son praying every day it hurt a little less.
Rachel and Noah made their way downstairs together, and when she saw her mother, Amalia ran to her and leaped into her arms. "You look pretty mama!" Her daughter exclaimed hugging her tightly, and Rachel held on to her a moment longer than she should.
"Thank you baby." She whispered kissing her daughter and walking over to her parents kissing them both as she sat down for breakfast. Maybe this wasn't as hard as she thought it would be.
They spent most the day with their family, and later that night Finn and Quinn came by with Caroline and their ten month old daughter Ava. Caroline Fabray-Puckerman was nearly seven now, she was a beautiful child that looked like her mother with her father's eyes. The second the door flew open, the little girl leaped into her father's arms and kissed him all over.
"Daddy! I missed you!" She exclaimed with a wide sunny smile. "Mama!" No one was really all that surprised when Caroline began calling Rachel, Mama the same way they weren't surprised when she began calling Finn, Papa. "You look pretty!" The seven year old blushed as she patted Rachel's tummy then she ran over to Amalia and picked her younger sister up swinging her around.
"We've all missed you." Quinn whispered as she pulled Rachel into a hug. Who would have thought Quinn Fabray would have become her best friend?
"Missed you too." Rachel hugged Quinn tightly and she bit down on her lips to stop the tears. "I swear these hormones are getting the best of me." They both laughed as Quinn handed Finn their daughter and the two women headed to the living room.
"How's she doing?" Was the first thing Finn asked him in the typical man relationship. Straight to the point.
"She's getting there. Today is the first day she actually dressed herself up. Slowly but surely." Noah mumbled to himself as he went to the fridge and grabbed them both beers. It was a ritual almost. Every time he and Rachel went home to Lima, she and Quinn would end up in the living room talking while he and Finn got the kitchen and usually the children. "She's gotten big." He nodded towards Ava. Ava was a pretty cute baby (But nowhere near as perfect as his) chubby and bald. She did remind him of Caroline when she smiled.
"Dude she's fricken huge. I swear Caroline sneaks her candy or something. She is twenty three fucking pounds." Finn had that proud smile look about him. Noah knew that look well.
"Eh as long as she's healthy." He took a sip of his beer and sighed. "I worry about her. All this stress isn't good for her pregnancy, and I know Amalia misses her mother. I really hope this is the turning point you know? Coming home will help things out. She asked me for a divorce before we left."
"No way!" Finn's mouth actually dropped open when he said that. He dated Rachel (A period which Puck rather not think about) so he knew what she was like. She said 'Divorce is an abomination to the sacred act of marriage' and to have Rachel go from that to this was pretty extreme.
"I know man, I know." He shook his head and looked over to where Rachel and Quinn were talking among themselves. Rachel had tears in her eyes as she pressed her hand to her swollen stomach. "I just want her back… I want my wife back." And by wife he meant his wife. The Rachel Puckerman he married. The woman who laughed so loud she nearly snorted, the woman who was an amazing mother, an amazing cook. Fuck she was good at everything. He missed her so much, it didn't seem fair. They had everything. They were married, they had beautiful healthy children and then it was as if God said fuck you man and took it all away.
"She'll come back. Just believe." When did Finn Hudson get so smart?
They stayed with her parents for another two weeks when they finally found a place. It was bigger than their apartment in New York, two stories, four bedrooms, a huge backyard with a swing set. Ironically it was a house Rachel loved as a child. The house of her dreams finally belongs to her and it didn't seem right.
Slowly things were going back to normal. As to what they can consider normal now. Noah woke up early one Saturday morning to find the bed empty. Amalia refused to sleep in her own bed and with Rachel entering her eight month of pregnancy, he realized they needed a bigger bed. Stretching, Noah went to the bathroom and went downstairs.
He was surprised to hear laughing. Rachel was making breakfast while singing to Amalia in silly voices as their daughter tried to copy her voice.
"Again mama!" Their daughter shrieked bouncing around and dancing as Rachel sang.
That's when she noticed Noah. Smiling at her husband, a smile that actually reached her eyes she picked their daughter up and hugged her tightly.
"Rach, you shouldn't be lifting her." He said weakly and Rachel just rolled her eyes.
"Don't tell me what to do Noah." She hummed softly as she balanced Amalia on what was left of her hip as she flipped a pancake. "I was thinking maybe we could go out? Maybe see the old crew?" For the first time since they moved home she seemed like herself. Noah nodded his head.
"We can do that. Come here Princess." He took their daughter and kissed her hair. "Want to get dressed?" He asked her and Amalia shook her head, her curls flying everywhere.
"Mama do it!" She looked over at her mother, her doe eyes and Rachel just nodded as she took their daughter's hand and waddled upstairs.
When they got to Amalia's room, the little girl began dancing around. "Mama I'm a princess!" She exclaimed bouncing and grinning widely at her mother. If you asked Amalia Puckerman, she was a Princess and everything was a fairy tale.
"You are a Princess Mali." Rachel agreed as she rubbed her back gingerly. The pregnancy was taking a toll on her, but for the first time she felt normal and she refused to let anything stop that. Grabbing a pink jumper and leggings (She really was her daughter) Rachel helped her daughter get dressed.
She had to admire her daughter. Amalia danced around as if nothing mattered, her curls bouncing freely with every move. To be that young and carefree once again… God Rachel missed that ignorance.
She was pulling on Amalia's tights, the barely three year old little girl looked over at her mother, her doe eyes wide and sad as if she were choosing her words slowly, or at least thinking things over. "Mama.." She asked slowly. "When is Giddy comin' home? I miss him."
That was the question Rachel was dreading. Staring at her daughter for a moment, Rachel felt as if everything had dropped. There was a sick feeling at the bottom of her stomach and she was sure it wasn't one of the babies. It was an innocent question from a child who really had no idea what was going on.
"Malia…" Rachel looked up seeing her husband at the door and he slowly walked into her room. They never really spoke of this with their daughter, Rachel insisted she was too young, but was she really? She was clearly a bright child who knew exactly what was going on. "Come on baby girl." He whispered pulling his daughter into his lap, and Rachel sat down next to him, resting her head on his shoulder.
They sat there quietly, their daughter in their arms as Rachel played with her hair. It was as if they had no idea what to say. How do you explain death to a two year old and a half? "You remember how Giddy was sick, don't you baby?" Rachel asked slowly as she stared down at her daughter. Amalia nodded her head trying to grasp the concept. "Your brother…" She couldn't word this right. How could she word this without inflicting any psychological damage?
"Mali, Gideon was sick. There are different forms of sickness, and while most won't hurt you, like remember that time you got a cough and ended up being fine?"
"I don't like bein sick." She whispered puckering her lips and shoving her thumb into her mouth. Rachel worked hard on breaking their daughter of that habit. Apparently it didn't last long.
"Yeah, daddy doesn't either. You got better though, remember? You will always get better Amalia. No matter what Mama and Daddy will be there. Nothing will happen to you." He looked at Rachel as he said that, reassuring her that nothing will happen.
"It's just…" Now he was lost for words. How could he look down at his beautiful daughter and explain any of this? When you had children they didn't come with a guide telling you how to cope with things like this. Parents should never outlive their children. Ever.
"Giddy went to heaven baby girl. God felt it was time to take him back." Rachel finished finally. She had tears in her eyes, and quickly wiped them away.
"Why? What heaven?" They both sighed. Her question was valid. They didn't want to have this conversation. He's already had one with Caroline and Quinn, it was harder explaining it to someone so young.
"Heaven is a magical place…" She whispered. While the afterlife wasn't talked about much in the Torah, it seemed like Rachel was going on for their daughter. "You are always happy, and nothing goes wrong. You get what you want, whenever you want, even if its ice cream for dinner." Rachel tickled her daughter who giggled softly. "There is nothing to be afraid of, no monsters everything is just perfect." She nuzzled Mali's neck and closed her eyes. "You know, Giddy is watching you from heaven, making sure nothing will ever harm you or your sisters. You will always have him watching after you."
Noah stared at his wife for a moment, complete awe in his eyes. She always talked to their children as if they were equals, scolded him for talking to them in baby voices, he could remember when Gideon was first born and she seemed to be carrying on a one sided conversation with the child as if he could respond. He has never loved her more than he did at this moment.
"So I talked to Uncle Kurt later. It seems like he wants to take someone shopping. I wonder who?" Noah cocked his eyebrow as their daughter leaped up and squealed the conversation seemingly forgotten. Getting out of their daughter's bed, Noah offered his hand to Rachel and helped her up, pulling her into a kiss.
For the first time in a long time she kissed him back, wrapping her arms around his neck as she slowly pulled him towards her. He could feel her swollen belly against his. "You're amazing." He whispered against her lips as they made their way downstairs after their daughter.