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Chapter 10 – A Feminine Point of View – by Hermione Granger

Sometimes I felt weary to my bones. Sometimes I felt as if no one really loved me. Perhaps it was hormonal, or perhaps it was the truth, but I was feeling especially unloved today.

I also no longer felt sure of myself, and I think I hated that most of all. I used to always feel confident. Even if I wasn't well liked, at least I was well received and respected, but somehow, recently, I've begun to feel small and worthless and hopeless. I hated that. There was no reason for it, no call for it, yet I felt it all the same.

When I mentioned my latest feelings of inadequacy to my mum, she told me that perhaps I was clinically depressed and that all I needed was a good therapist and some strong drugs. That was my mum's solution to everything, a visit to the chemist.

My dad told me that perhaps I needed a new hobby, something to get my mind off my woes. He told me that he liked woodworking. (Seriously, Dad?)

Earlier today, when I was regaling my work mates with my woes, Padma Patil told me that perhaps I was in need of a man. I wanted to laugh in her face. She worked with Draco and I, in Muggles Relations, and she said it right in front of him. Embarrassed, I told her that all I probably needed was a nap, because I was so tired.

She laughed and said, "I think you need a man, not a nap, although a nice nap after a good romp in the sack is always invigorating." How vulgar could a person be? I mean, we were at our place of work! That woman had no compunction whatsoever. Whatever she thought came right out of her mouth. No morals at all, in my opinion.

Draco and the other two members of our team laughed. I frowned. Draco saw me frown and tried to hide his laughter, but he still laughed. Then, everyone started talking about their last paramour, or their last 'sexual escapade'. I tried to hide behind the high papers on my desk.

I felt Draco's eyes on me. We went out on a 'date' last week, and it ended a bit strangely, but still nicely, but since then he hadn't followed up by asking me out on another. That confused me. Harry also confused me recently. The man told me that he had feelings for me; I told him I had feelings for him, and then he started dating Ginny Weasley again!

I wanted to cry.

Now everyone was talking about sex while we should be working. I wouldn't join in the conversation even if I could, because there were some things that shouldn't be discussed at work, and sex was one of them. (What a little hypocrite I was. Wasn't I at work when I told Draco about me being a virgin?)

I wonder if he had told anyone yet. Of course, he had. He was the biggest gossipmonger I knew. I wonder if everyone laughed about it behind my back. Did they talk about me, make fun of me, hate me?

"I heard he was sleeping with one of his underlings, but he was told to stop or lose his job," Andrew said. I looked up. What had I missed? To whom were they referring? I looked over at Draco, frantically.

He must have misread my look, because he suddenly said, "I know that's a lie. Marcus wasn't sleeping with anyone from our department."

Oh my stars…they were all talking about Marcus! Were they inferring that he was sleeping with me? Because he wasn't! He didn't! He wouldn't! That was half of the problem! Besides, no one here knew Marcus and I had been dating save for Malfoy. I hid my face behind my hand and pretended to read a report when I heard Padma say, "How would you know, Malfoy?"

"Flint and I are friends," he said. I wanted to laugh. Draco Malfoy thought Marcus Flint was a bore and a lowlife. Marcus Flint thought Draco Malfoy was a spoiled sycophant. They were both right.

"You aren't friends," Terry Boot countered.

Great…Malfoy and I had to be surrounded by former Ravenclaws. They were all too smart. I spied Malfoy from between my fingers and waited to see what he would say. "Fine, Boot," Malfoy said. "Former Slytherins are never considered friends, but we always know what's going on with each other, and believe me, he isn't seeing anyone in this department." He said it with such finality that I would have even believed him, though I knew he was lying.

Then, suddenly, Padma blushed. Everyone noticed. As I said, nothing got past the people in our office, and Padma's blush was no exception. Two former Ravenclaws and the smartest Gryffindor (me) and the smartest Slytherin (Malfoy) from our year noticed it acutely. Goldstein urged, "What do you know, Patil? Spill it."

WHAT DID SHE KNOW? I sat upright, to wait anxiously.

"I've been dating Marcus for about three months now," she said in a rush.

I could have been knocked over with a feather by that little tidbit of information. Terry and Andrew didn't notice my reaction. Oh no, they had suddenly bounded from their desks, surrounded Padma, and was bombarding her with questions.

Draco slid a glance toward me.

I felt tears burn the back of my eyes. I felt a lump in my throat. I felt an intense hatred toward everyone with the title of 'Boss', or with the name Marcus Flint or Jim-Bob. The Jim-Bob part was just because I hated that name.

I slipped out of the office and once in the hallway I took off in a run. I refused to let anyone see me cry. While running toward places unknown, I knocked into a few people. I didn't apologize. I just kept running. I felt Malfoy hot on my heels. I heard him call my name.

I kept running.

I rushed to the stairs, flung open the door, and ran inside. There on the stairs, in a heated discussion, was none other than Marcus Flint and Harry Potter.

I stopped cold. Draco slid to a stop right behind me.

"What's wrong, Hermione?" Harry asked. He always could notice when the slightest thing was wrong with me. "You look close to tears."

I looked at Marcus. He climbed up the stairs, with Harry right behind him. They joined Malfoy and me on the landing. Marcus looked concerned, the stupid piece of shite. He reached out, touched my arm, and said, "Are you okay? Did something happen?"

That's when I lost my sanity. I pulled back my hand, it made a fist all on its own however, and when it came forward, it connected with his nose, HARD. He whelped in pain, held his nose, and almost fell down the stairs, and would have if Harry hadn't been quick and steadied him.

"Hermione!" Harry chastised.

"What in the hell!" Marcus said, though with the gush of blood coming out of his nose and mouth, it sounded more like, "Waa end da ell?"

Draco Malfoy was holding me around the waist, restraining me I guess. I shouted, "How long have you been sleeping with Padma?"

Marcus' hand dropped from his bloodied nose. He looked at me shocked, and then he looked at Draco. "Did you tell her?"

I pushed from Draco's arms. "You knew?" I beseeched.

He held up his hands. I think he was afraid I was going to hit him, too. He glanced over at Marcus and said, "I didn't tell her, I swear."

Marcus grabbed a handkerchief from Harry's outstretched hand and hissed, "Well then great, I know you had to be the one to have told her, Potter. I thought you said you wouldn't tell her, because you didn't want to hurt her."

That was when I felt the rebound of my actions, metaphorically speaking of course, because right then, right there, it felt like someone had slapped me upside the head, or in other words, had punched ME in the nose. I wanted to cry more than I ever wanted anything. I wanted to cry like the big old crybaby that I was, but proudly, I held back my tears and said, "You knew, too?"

Harry nodded an infinitesimal amount, but it was enough to answer my question. I let out a choked sounding sob, but kept back the tears. I backed away from them all. I didn't know who I felt the most betrayed by, Harry, Draco or Marcus.

I wasn't the little darling I thought I was. Apparently not very many people liked me after all. Even men who claimed they loved me, as these three all did, didn't mind breaking my heart into a million pieces.

I sat on the next set of stair, hung my head, and finally I started to cry.

Harry placed his hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. Draco sat beside me. I gave him the dirtiest look that I could. He hopped up quickly. Marcus stroked my head and said, "I'm so sorry to have hurt you, Hermione. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do."

"Does everyone know about us?" I asked in horror, realizing suddenly that if the whole 'Padma and Marcus thing' wasn't a secret, perhaps neither was the whole, 'Hermione and Marcus thing'.

He squatted before me, still holding Harry's hanky to his bloodied nose. "No one knows, I swear. I only told these two about Padma because they both came and threatened me in regards to you."

"Oh, great!" I lamented.

"What I mean," Marcus explained, "was that they came to me, separately, and told me that if I hurt you, they would kill me."

I huffed, looked up at Draco, who stood next to Harry. Harry said, "Actually, what I told the git was that if I found out that you still loved him, and if he loved you, he had better treat you better or answer to me. That was when he said that he did love you, but that he had been seeing Padma as well, and while you wanted marriage, she wanted what he wanted…a fling."

Draco leaned forward and said, "Apparently the wanker wasn't into the whole marriage scene again, after divorcing Penelope Clearwater. He wanted a mere sexual affair and he didn't want to hurt you. I told him to stay away from you then, or I would kill him. Unlike Potter, I'm not above murder for pleasure."

Marcus stood. "Murdering me would be pleasurable?"

"Not for you, probably, but yeah, I think I might enjoy it," Draco said with a smirk.

Marcus shook his head in annoyance and sat beside me. His arm came around my shoulders. I looked at his nose. It was no longer bleeding. However, the skin around his eyes was turning a pleasant shade of chartreuse. He kissed my cheek. "I never meant to hurt you, about anything," he revealed. "I'm so sorry." I bowed my head on my chest. He rubbed his hand in circles on my back.

He asked, apparently to Malfoy, "How did she find out?"

"Padma told our entire office," Malfoy revealed. "No one coerced her either. She seemed pleased to tell people. If you ask me, she wants people to know because she wants more than a fling."

Harry concurred with, "At least Hermione was always circumspect. She would never have told anyone. I had to practically force her to tell me about you two, and only after you stopped seeing each other."

"And I had to find out the good old Slytherin way, by being sneaking," Draco said with a bark of laughter. Harry laughed as well. I'm glad they thought it was all so amusing.

Marcus took my hand in his. "I'll take care of Padma," he said with resign. "Are you and I okay?"

"Are you going to fire me for hitting you?" I asked. I certainly hoped not. I needed my job. I liked my job. I didn't know if I could continue to work with Padma, (aka: the ugly, long haired, skinny, pointed nose bitch) but I wanted to keep my job.

"No," Harry answered before Marcus could. Marcus and I both looked up at Harry. "He won't fire you, because if he did, he knows he could lose his job for having a relationship with an underling."

"And for still having one, with Patil," Draco harped in agreement.

"And his reputation means too much to him," Harry added.

"As well as his health and well being," Draco responded, a smile forming on his lips.

"Gentlemen," I sighed, "stop threatening Marcus." I stood up and turned back to Marcus who had an amused look on his face. "Am I fired?"

"Am I forgiven?" He stood as he posed this question to me. I had to think about it. Did it matter if I forgave him? Did it matter if I had lost all respect for him as a man and as a boss? Did it matter that I would no longer trust him? Did it matter that I still hated myself a bit more than I hated him, and that I hated that he caused me to feel that way?

"You're forgiven," I concluded. It was a small concession to give the man. After all, he had to deal with Padma now. She was a real bitch compared to me, and whether he realized it or not, she wanted much more than he was willing to offer. She probably was really after HIS job. That thought almost made me smile.

Marcus started toward the doorway, mumbling something about having to give up women. Right, like that was going to happen. I couldn't see Marcus Flint being gay.

Harry sat down on the stairs in Marcus' place. He knocked his shoulder into mine. "Am I forgiven, too?"

"For what?"

"For not telling you that I knew about Padma and Marcus? It really was after the fact that I found out, and by that time, what was the point in hurting you more?" he declared.

Draco sat on the other side of me. It was a tight fit. He placed his arm across my knees and said, "Before you answer Potter, tell me if I'm forgiven."

"For not telling me about Padma and Marcus?" I asked. "I assume it was after Marcus and I broke up, right, like Harry?"

"I could care less if you forgive me about that," he said seriously, adding, "and yes, it was after the fact. Am I forgiven for ignoring you since our date last week?"

I felt Harry flinch beside me. I glance at him slightly. "I already knew about it," Harry offered. "I saw you two at the café."

"Is that why you've been ignoring me?" I asked him. I wanted to ask if that was why he was seeing Ginny again, but that would make me seem shallow and small, and I was already into the self-loathing thing today. I didn't need to hate myself more.

He shrugged. Draco pulled on my hair. I turned toward him. "Ouch, seriously, Malfoy."

"Get back to what's important, me," he teased. "Am I forgiven?"

"Maybe, if you tell me why you've ignored me." I leaned my head on his shoulder. He took my hand. Harry started to stand. I grabbed his hand with my other hand, forcing him to remain beside me, too.

Draco leaned his head against the wall. He closed his eyes for a moment. While they were closed he said, "I've always come in second to Potter, Hermione, or at least, that's how it's always felt. I didn't want to come in second again, and I wanted to give you some space so you could decide what you wanted." His eyes opened slowly. "I was all set to fight for you, fight hard and all, but I care about you too much. I don't want to cause you pain. If you want Potter over me, I want you to have him. For the very first time in my life I want someone to have what they want, over what I want. Odd, huh?"

I didn't respond. He added, "I even thought I might share you with him," and then he laughed. Whoa. Where did that come from? What an odd comment.

I felt Harry stirring beside me. I faced him and quizzed, "And you, Mr. Potter? Your real reason for ignoring me?"

"Same reason, in a way," he affirmed. "If you wanted Malfoy, I wanted you to have him. I wanted you to be happy."

I stood up, walked to the wall, placed my head against it, and said, "Isn't this a fine kettle of fish! Now no one wants me!"

"If that's what you heard, you're dense," Harry accused. I turned slowly. I would have expected a remark like that from Draco, but not from him. He stood as well. "Do you even know what you want, Hermione? Do you even have a clue?"

Malfoy stood beside him. I stared at the two. I really looked at them, side by side. Dark and Light. One tall and slender, one short and muscular. One classically handsome, one incredibly good-looking . One charming and roguish, one every girl's idea of a great man.

And so help me God, Malfoy's words came back to haunt me, because I realized that I wanted them both. How depraved was I? And I thought Padma was immoral! I couldn't possibly tell them that. I already felt like slime today. To tell them something so despicable, so decadent, degenerate, depraved, and morally wrong, would make me feel like the stuff that's on the underside of slime.

Virginal little Hermione Granger wanted her best friend and her co-worker. Unable to articulate my feelings, or even own up to them, I said, "I don't think I want anything anymore, or anyone. How about that?" I walked slowly down the stairs, and finally gave back into the tears that had been threatening to fall all day, and which had only begun earlier.

On my way down the stairwell, I heard Draco say to Harry, "It's your fault, Potter. You pushed her. You tried to force her to tell us how she felt before she knew!"

I stopped on the lower landing to wait to hear what Harry would say.

He said to Draco, "See, Malfoy, I know Hermione Granger a bit better than you. She knows what she wants. She just isn't ready to admit it yet. Once she does, I'm not sure any of us is going to like the answer. Therefore, I think we might have to make her decision for her."

That statement made me angry and a bit sadder. I slipped out the next door, took the lifts back to my floor, went to my office, got my things and went home sick for the rest of the day. I had some decisions to make, because damn it all to hell, I wasn't going to let Harry or Draco make them for me.