More Than Just A Crush

By: Killua K.

Chapter 3: Misread

He haunted me in my dreams since I was a kid.

Those large grayish-blue orbs, glistening incessantly amidst a blanket of darkness, eyed me intently, though apparently void of even the most mundane of emotions. His thin lips could've stretched out for a mile, if he had only arched those muscles to form an effortless grin. But he preferred to conserve his energy, and instead puckered his mouth into his trite trademark of a frown. Smooth raven hair spread across his indifferent countenance, accentuating the mysterious aura that engulfed his whole existence. Broad masculine shoulders perfectly cut into rigid corners that gradually tapered to his sculpted arms down his long slender fingers. His flawlessly chiseled chest was a sanctuary, offering a refuge where I could hide away from all the lies and hypocrisy of the entire humanity.

He stealthily lived within the recesses of my mind - constantly wandering, relentlessly saturating my nerve cells with tons of information and incomparable sensation that originated only from him.

The sole inhabitant inside my head.

The conductor beating to the tempo of my heart.

This man was more than a fragment of my soul. He was the air I breathed, the language I spoke, the music I hummed – the mere world I lived in.

And yet every time I open my eyes, every tormenting moment I wake up into a realm where Prince Charming does not exist, everything that I witness and feel inside my dreams fleetingly evaporates, dissolving into but a mere blur that soon fades away.

Aoshi Shinomori is an apathetic moron.

And I'm a complete idiot for liking him.

I followed him down the hallway, to the designated rendezvous. Hoping that he won't notice me, I tiptoed as I sprinted across almost empty alleys and rushed down the stairs.

Hands inside his pockets, he casually strode down the same path I took. His shoulders were relaxed, and no sign of apprehension showed on his actions. I've seen him do this for several times now. Last week, if I remember it correctly, he pulled up the exact flawless replica of his walking eminence more than ten times. Today though should've been different if I were him. He should've practiced more in displaying his emotions before he decided to meet up with that girl. He should've at least brought a handkerchief with him, or anything that she could use to wipe her tears as soon as she hears his utterly painful rejection. After all, she's not just any girl in the school.

Harumi Imai, together with some bitchy-looking girls, ah, but they were good people though, was the most popular teenager in our area. Ask any boy in our city to describe Imai-san, and he'd certainly answer you in one word – ah, three words, I guess, for that matter.

"Damn, she's HOT!"

So I thought Shinomori-sempai should've at least concocted a brilliant novel idea in hurting her. He does hurt girls anyway...

And then I sneakily hid behind the giant Sakura tree strongly rooted on the ground across the façade of the library. Feeling victorious from furtively spying on Shinomori-sempai, I watched the couple closely and tried my best to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Uhhm...my name is Harumi Imai," she introduced herself in a very high-pitched voice.

He stared at her blankly.

"Maybe..." she stuttered as she unconsciously played with her fingers. "May-maybe...y-y-ou don't know me y-yet..."

He didn't take off his eyes from her.

"Hahaha..." I could hear the nervous chuckle that escaped from her shivering mouth. "B-but...I know you, Aoshi-kun. I j-just know you very well."

He didn't move a single muscle in his body as he listened to her confession.

"I've suppressed my genuine feelings for you since I was in first year...

"I tried to convince myself that..." she looked at him with intense passion and emotion. "...tried to convince myself that I just don't deserve you."

At least say something, Sempai! I shouted in my head – although I was unusually glad that he didn't say a thing.

"I-I mean...everyone likes you. Every girl wants to date you. And every time I think about it, my heart races inside my chest and I instantly twitch in pain..."

I was certain that he blinked his eye for a moment there.

"Hiding these feelings for more than a year now has been the most painful thing I've ever done, Aoshi-kun..."

Awww...that's...that's sweet. I felt like crying when she said that. I wasn't sure why. But perhaps, somehow I understood her very well.

"Since you'll be graduating next semester, I thought I had to let you know before you leave..." she explained as she bowed her head to prevent herself from crying.

Shinomori-sempai was quiet as ever, still as a sole lamp post in a desolated street.

"Will you go out with me?" Imai-san finally collapsed into a Japanese bow, with her upper body perfectly angled from her legs. I witnessed the intensity of her emotions, sincerity of her feelings for the stoic statue-like man in front of her, seemingly gazing into nothingness, his lips pursed into a tight frown. She didn't move from her difficult position, probably terrified to get a glimpse of his facial reaction.

I watched the drama taking place, about thirty feet from where I secretly stood. Harumi was begging for his love, for his attention, pleading as if her life was at stake. Shinomori-sempai was staring bluntly at her, void of any emotion, casually phlegmatic, almost resembling a dead man.

"Sorry..."

Huh?

A minute hasn't even passed.

His back turned from her sharply, displaying a strong disapproval of her feelings. Before he started to pace away from the girl behind him, he paused briefly when the school bell suddenly rang. And then without any word of goodbye, he deserted the poor girl who never even lifted her head to see his face. He left her, without any sign of guilt or sympathy. He nonchalantly walked away, not even turning around to check if she was all right.

I wanted to approach Imai-san who broke down on her knees as she began wailing like a widowed lady. But I felt that I had to leave her alone.

She has to endure the pain by herself.

Or else no will.

"Hhhmm..."

I nibbled the tip of my pen and meditated.

"Hmmmmm..."

My fingers gripped on the writing tool tightly and started to scribble some words.

"Hhhhhmm..."

Suddenly, my right hand stopped writing. I lifted my head and stared in oblivion.

This ain't right. I looked down on the paper lying flatly on my desk. My handwriting was unrecognizable. It appeared to be illegible even to its author. I ran my fingers through my hair and vigorously ruffled it, slightly messing up my long braid. C'mon, Misao...Think! How can you get his attention? How can you make him say "yes"?

"Heya! Whaddya doin'?"

C'mon, c'mon...should I say "Aoshi-chan"? Nahhh..it's girly. Should I address him as "Mr. Right''? Ahh..but...it sounds too cheesy...

"Oi, oi! Mi-chan, what's that, huh?"

Hey, what if I say..."Aoshi dear"? Would that sound nice?

"Yoohoo! Are you even listening to me?"

Then I realized Soujiro Seta was right there, his bright young face staring at me enthusiastically. But I just didn't imagine that those words would slip from my mouth.

"Do you love me?"

"Eh..?"

Oh shoot...What the hell was that? Crap, crap, crap...no, Soujiro, I didn't mean to- to say that!

His face flushed red. And uhh...I wasn't exactly sure how he looked like that moment because...well, because I turned my face away from him! Crap! Why would that even slip from my mouth...Darn it all...

"You know I do."

Eh? My jaw dropped as I slowly moved my head to see his reaction. What the - ?

His face was a breath away from mine, and my body suddenly shivered as an unusual sensation ran down my spine. He stretched his lips into a wide grin, his eyes gleaming in extreme delight. I wanted to slap him that time – wanted to crush his head in my hands and run away as fast as I could. But his face was just damn near! Oh boy, hell it was!

"Why, you don't believe me?"

"Eh? Wh-what?"

"I asked you if you don't believe me."

"We-well...of course I-I do believe you, Soujiro b-but..."

Surprisingly, he pulled his face away then messed up my hair. "I was just jokin', Mi-chan!"

Well...that's...that's a relief.

My heart stopped thudding uncontrollably. My lips arched up, and I smiled at him. "Yeah...of course you were...hahaha!" Did he notice that I felt uneasy when he just said that?

He stood up from his seat then held my shoulders gently. "Good luck with your love letter."

Even if I knew it sounded normal, even if I knew that simple wish came from a very close friend of mine, even if I knew it was just a common conversation between two teenagers,

It felt as if everything didn't seem to fit into place.

And when I glanced back at the letter I was writing for Aoshi Shinomori, a familiar scenario popped inside my head.

A distraught and miserable Harumi Imai, wailing helplessly on her knees as her loved one deserted her, emerged from the recesses of my mind. First it appeared to be a mere blur, until gradually, it turned into a crystal clear picture. Trying to dissolve the horrible sight, I tightly shut my eyes as fear and dread crept up in my veins. And as if by instinct, two trembling hands ultimately crushed the unfinished letter on my desk.

I was too damn afraid to do it.

Dear Shinomori-sempai,

Hey, guess what? I saw you reject the poor girl earlier. Actually, I was hiding behind the giant Sakura tree near the library to get a good glimpse. Well, I've seen you do it many times anyway, so it didn't really come to me as a surprise.

Uhhhmm...so, can we meet tomorrow after classes? Let's say, inside your classroom, until everyone leaves. I'll be waiting, okay? )

Lovelots,

Mi-chan

P.S. If you're gonna reject me, try to do it in a different way. Can you do that for me? Yay! Thanks! Mwaaahh!

Fortunately, I was able to compose the perfect love letter for Aoshi-sama. Although, it might seem a little bit strange from his point of view, I knew that it contained all my unspoken emotions for him. At least, that's how I thought it came out to be.

Knowing that he'd stay in his classroom according to what I've written down, and since I also saw him personally read it in front of his shoebox, I was confident that everything would work out as I planned. As soon as the school bell rang, signifying another end of a school day, I rushed to our rendezvous and excitedly prepped up for the conversation that would take place.

I stood beside the door of the room and silently watched as each person gathered his things and headed off his home. The small place was emptying itself in a fast rate and my heart started beating faster as adrenaline flowed in my veins. After a few more minutes, no one would be left inside the place, except Aoshi and I. For some reason, the idea that I would finally be confessing my true feelings for this man scared me. As I stood there waiting, there were moments when I hesitated to stay and meet him. My legs just wanted to move and break away from the invisible chain that excruciatingly bound me to that spot. But then, that sheer anxiety soon vanished, and all that was left in me was the guts to tell him everything.

It's now or never...I thought to myself.

Soon, every single person that I saw earlier in the classroom left. Realizing Aoshi wasn't there yet, I quietly entered through the door and decided to sit on his seat.

His bag was on top of his desk. I peeped inside it and noticed the filthy clutter that lurked within. It was awfully disorganized, and I even thought he was a very clean man.

But what even bothered me more was that seemingly infinite movement of the clock's hands.

Every second that passed felt like eternity.

And I was all alone in the dark empty room.

I was waiting for him since five in the afternoon. But hell, before I even knew it, it was already past eight in the evening when the door slid open and his indifferent form emerged from the pitch-black darkness in the hallway.

He was...I guess, a little bit surprised when he saw me sitting inside, humming to myself. And I just wished he could've said something when I turned my head around and smiled at him.

But he merely stared at me with those gray orbs. He didn't ask me "Why are you still here?" He didn't even say "I'm sorry I made you wait."

Aoshi came back because he forgot the school bag on his desk.

He never came because he remembered the letter I wrote to him.

And as I grinned widely at him before I left, I felt an urge to punch him straight into his face and beat him up like a stupid old rag doll. But I knew I was emotionally sick and dying at that moment.

Pretending everything was well, I hopped like a little girl in the hallway and prevented myself from bursting into tears.

Damn, it hurt like hell.

A/N: Waahh...I wrote this quickly so uhhmm..I'll try to edit it later ok? Please, please give me a review! XD