Absence

Chapter Four

"I'm going out."

Inuyasha stood as Sango was clearing the dinner dishes. Heads turned to look at him in surprise. He hadn't said anything all evening after he and Miroku had returned from the river where they had washed up with the rest of the villagers before tromping back, weary and hungry and clean, for another night's rest.

"Where are you going?" Kaede didn't sound overly concerned as she bundled herbs gathered from a foray in a nearby field for drying.

Inuyasha somehow took offense to the question. "Out," he snapped brusquely, and stamped out the door.

"What a grump!" Shippou was regaining more of his old spark. Or maybe it had been the extra portion of fish he'd had for dinner.

Kirara mewed in sympathy, her head cocked inquisitively towards Sango. Petting the downy head in reassurance, Sango directed her words towards Shippou. "Let him be, Shippou. He's grieving."

That seemed to give the small kitsune pause. "He's…hurting?" He stared at the hanging mat that waved gently after Inuyasha's abrupt passing.

"He just doesn't know how to show it."

Inuyasha let his feet lead him as he trudged away from the village. He felt like those people he'd seen once, in a movie he'd watched in Kagome's time. American men, jabbering in rough, guttural tones that he didn't understand. He couldn't read the subtitles fast enough to understand everything, but Kagome always explained the basic plot points beforehand, and she always chose movies that were fun to watch. Fast cars and explosions and flying fists and blood. He saw enough blood in real life, but it was…fun.

American men wearing chains and bright orange uniforms who lived behind bars. And once a day they were allowed into the fenced yard where men with long black guns stood on guard. Prisoners, Kagome had called them.

He felt like a prisoner of his own heart, and he'd already used up his time in the sunshine.

He was tired from the day's hard work. He and Miroku had finished the field, and while Miroku had assured him he'd done enough, Inuyasha had immediately charged off to help put up the roof of one of the other huts. He couldn't stand the sitting, the waiting. The resting. He couldn't bear being alone with his thoughts. When he was working, he could concentrate on the burn of muscle and the feel of sweat on his skin.

But after…It was the moments after that were the hardest. He tried his damndest to go to sleep as soon as he was done eating, the few mouthfuls he could force into his stomach. He tried hard to squeeze himself into unconsciousness as soon as the sun went down and all activity slowed to a halt for the long, dark hours.

Too long, too dark. Kagome had been his sunshine. He needed her.

He couldn't stand it. He missed her.

Inuyasha wasn't at all surprised to find himself standing at the edge of the clearing, facing the abandoned well. How often had he come here? To drag her away from her studies, her family, her world. Her life. How often had he stopped her from going back?

How often had he come here while she was gone, muttering, cursing, dreading, hoping. Never knowing if she'd ever come back. Never daring to hope she'd come to stay. Praying to gods he didn't believe in to allow her to return to him, just one more time…

His feet felt like lead as he crossed the moonlit clearing to the edge of the well. His hearth pounded in his chest, and he could feel his breath coming in shallow pants. He squeezed his eyes shut as his claws came to rest, ever so lightly, on the edge of the well. The Shikon no Tama was gone, forever. That which had bound the two worlds, bridging time itself, had vanished. To all appearances, he stood before an unremarkable, plain, dry well.

Inuyasha opened his eyes but couldn't find the courage to look down. Instead his eyes were drawn towards the distant figure of Goshinboku. Please…He didn't know why the thought surfaced in his mind, but it seemed…right. Please. Please work.

He couldn't say what he wanted most. Let me see Kagome again. Because he knew just seeing her wouldn't be enough. He couldn't say, Let me be with Kagome, because he knew he couldn't be with her. Not in her world. And he couldn't ask her to stay in his.

So it was just, Please. Please…

He leapt into the well. And when he hit bottom, he knew it hadn't worked. It hadn't connected. No light, no tugging on the spine and guts, no sudden barrage of odors, greasy and thick and dirty, that spoke of her world. Just the scent of forest and dormant winter plants.

Inuyasha exited the well with a heavier heart than he'd expected. He'd gone and gotten his hopes up, and looked where that left him.

Broken-hearted.

Idiot.

Shippou stood at the edge of the clearing, watching him. For a moment, Inuyasha was angry, angry that the kitsune had intruded on his private moment. But just like that, his anger washed over him, passed. He could sense the loneliness pouring out of the little kitsune and knew that Shippou was hurting just as much as he was.

Maybe more. At least he'd gotten to see her, inside the meidou, one more time. At least he'd gotten to take her home, to see her happy, before the well had sealed. At least he'd gotten to say a semblance of 'good-bye'.

Eye contact. The feeling of profound relief. Gratitude. Understanding. And then the lingering, fading scent of her, one last time.

"It's closed?"

The kitsune's voice trembled. He didn't move from where he stood on a rocky outcrop. His eyes were fixed on Inuyasha's face, and there was none of the bravado or the cockiness he usually exuded.

Inuyasha walked back to where the little boy sat. And he was just a little boy, despite it all. He lowered himself carefully onto the rock next to him, not quite sure how to deal with Shippou's grief when he didn't even know what to do about his own. "It's closed."

Shippou's eyes filled, and he sniffled bravely. "I didn't mean to come spy on you or nothing," he mumbled. "I just…I just wanted to…" The words choked off as the tears spilled out on a wail.

A kitsune's anger is nothing to be trifled with, as Inuyasha had had occasion to find out, and his pride is no small matter. But for now, Inuyasha did the only thing he could think of, and only hoped he wouldn't find himself being flown away by a spinning whirligig, or stuck to another outrageous stone statue. He'd seen Kagome do it often enough. He reached out and pulled Shippou against him, cradling him to his chest. Shippou fisted both hands in the front of Inuyasha's haori, sobbing for all he was worth.

"She's not coming back, is she? Kagome's gone forever?"

He wanted to say no. He wanted to cling to the hope that she'd come back someday. He wanted to believe in her promise. I'll stay by your side. He wanted…He wanted…

He didn't want any more hurt. He ran an awkward, if gentle, hand over Shippou's head. "Kagome's right here, if you want her." Shippou lifted his tear-stained face to Inuyasha, with such naked hope on his face. Inuyasha ignored the clench in his heart and tapped a clawed finger lightly against Shippou's own chest, right above his heart. "In here, if you remember."

Shippou's face crumpled from the weight of dashed hopes. "I miss Kagome!" He threw himself back into his tears with a forlorn wail.

Inuyasha hugged the kitsune to his chest and felt his own tears burn in his eyes as he stared at the empty well. So do I, he thought, and felt no less forlorn than the sobbing child in his arms. I miss her, too.