Author's Notes: Minor edits to chapter five! Thanks to Brittany for your insight to the Kagome/Kikyou issue. I cleaned it up some, and hopefully straightened out some of the issues. As for the use of 'gods', the Shinto religion is a polytheistic religion, so I justify my use of the word in that sense. But I'll try to keep it out for the rest of the fic. )

WARNING. Minor foul language on Inuyasha's part.

Absence

Chapter Six

The sun was setting over the village when Inuyasha returned, dusty and dark-eyed from days without sleep as he roamed the forest beyond the village grounds. When he was out there, in the dark and wild, fighting whatever youkai came his way, he could almost, almost pretend it was like before…before he'd met Kikyou, before he'd gotten tangled up in Naraku's ploy, before any of this had even happened. He could almost pretend none of it ever had.

But she was always there, in the back of his mind, and no amount of youkai killed or battles waged could ever erase her. Part of him didn't want her to be gone. Part of him didn't ever want to stop missing her, because to stop missing her was to stop remembering. And he didn't want to forget what had been the best part of his entire life.

It had been over a week since he'd last come in to the village. He'd been close, always close, close enough he could stop by the well every third day, close enough Kirara or Shippou could have found him in case something went really wrong. But he'd been out, wild, like he'd been in the years of blurred nothingness between his mother's death and the beginnings of his search for the Shikon no Tama.

He couldn't quite bring himself to enter the village, shimmering in summer heat, so calm and tranquil. He had never belonged here…never belonged anywhere, and though he knew his friends were just inside one of those wooden huts, he couldn't force himself forward. Miroku would regard him with calm, unsurprised eyes when he showed up to eat, but Sango would look at him with something close to relief every time he returned. Each and every time.

He didn't think he could deal with that now. Didn't want to think about it.

Instead, Inuyasha sat on the fence, weight perfectly balanced on the post. Kagome used to call him a 'gargoyle'…He had to suck in a deep breath, held it, to fight down the pang of sadness at the thought of her. He closed his eyes, using the darkness as a focus to battle back the pain.

It only amplified the images memory played over and over through his mind. Like the TV screen in Kagome's living room, showing images of things that weren't really there. Kagome's smile filled his mind's eye, the way she looked with sunlight pouring down so that her hair shone blue-black, like a raven's wings, her head tilted back as she glanced over her shoulder at him, laughing over something Miroku or Sango had said.

The gesture, the laugh, was invitation as much as tease. Laugh with us, Inuyasha. Be with us.

He couldn't remember laughing before her. Not since his mother had died, certainly, and before, his memory was blurred, either by time or the mind's self-protection instincts.

He hadn't laughed since she'd left. Hell, he had barely cracked a smile. There was a time when such lack wouldn't even have been missed. You couldn't miss something that was never yours.

But if that was true…what was it he felt now?

"Inuyasha-sama is thinking about Kagome-sama again."

Inuyasha didn't bother to look down at the human who had approached from the village behind. The wind had brought him the scent, the unique mix of spice and fire that was part Sango, part Kirara, part his own.

"I told you to stop with that '-sama' crap." Inuyasha folded his arms across his chest without losing his balance. He squinted across the fields towards the north. It was still sometimes oddly painful to look at Sango's younger brother directly. That was another pang of guilt, just one more reminder of his failings.

Was he wrong, then, for feeling this way? For…if not resenting, if envying, Sango for her gain when he'd only suffered losses?

Kohaku leaned against the railing beside Inuyasha, at ease with the disgruntled hanyou. If being with Kikyou had made him feel like his soul was being redeemed from past transgressions, being with Inuyasha made him feel alive. Real, somehow, in a way that not even Kikyou had been able to accomplish.

With Kikyou, he had felt like he was being cleansed. With Inuyasha, he felt like it was okay to be the way he was. Dirtied, hurt, bathed in the blood of innocents, but it would be okay.

"Aren't you the son of the Lord of the Western Lands?" Kohaku's voice was conversational. "Doesn't that make you, like, royalty or something?"

"Keh." Inuyasha smirked. "The hell would I want with some useless title and a bunch of land? Besides," he added humorlessly, "I'm only half." Then there was the issue of Sesshoumaru. Wouldn't Sesshoumaru, being eldest, and full-blooded youkai, be the rightful inheritor of their father's land holdings? Inuyasha had never cared to investigate, and he sure didn't care about that now.

Kohaku shrugged, his voice amused. "You could afford some new clothes, for one."

The fire-rat haori had survived the ordeal within Naraku, but it was definitely tattered and shredded in places. Inuyasha snorted again. "The hell would I want with fancy clothes?"

Kohaku followed Inuyasha's gaze, eyes searching the northern stretches. His voice was too casual. "I'm a trained demon exterminator, you know. I could go and bring back some fire-rat fur. I know Ane-ue could sew up your haori for you."

Inuyasha sent a sharp glance at the boy beside him. "It'll break Sango's heart if you leave."

"It breaks mine to stay," Kohaku shot back. There was a long silence, and Inuyasha shifted to stare back out over the fields. He understood too well what the boy was saying. He alone understood.

Quieter now, Kohaku continued. "I'm not the little boy I used to be—the one Sango remembers. She's not the person she used to be, before all this happened." He waved a hand in the air to encompass everything that had come to pass. "When we went back, to pay our respects to the villagers and to our father, I realized. We've both grown up. We've changed. Sango doesn't need me anymore. She has Miroku-niisan."

There was no resentment in his voice, only a sense of acceptance, almost of wonder. Inuyasha could commiserate with that sentiment. He himself hadn't believed that the lecherous monk would have settled down, and with their straight-laced taijiya, no less.

"You're family. She'll never stop 'needing' you both."

"It's weird." Kohaku spoke to the distance. He folded his arms over the top rail, leaned against them as if the sun-warmed wood were his sole anchor to life. "It's weird, thinking about being part of a 'family' again. A different family now. I was so set on the idea that I'd never see the other side of a world without Naraku…" He trailed off, then gave his head a little shake. "I feel like I'm drifting, Inuyasha…-niisan." He cast Inuyasha a quick, sideways glance to assess the reaction to the nickname.

Since he wasn't greeted with a scowl, he continued, "I was so focused on revenge, it's like, now, I'm lost. I have all this training as an exterminator, but it's so…peaceful here." His lips moved into a humorless smile. "Too peaceful. I don't like it, but I feel out of place, surrounded by all this peace."

"So you're leaving then."

Kohaku was silent. Inuyasha had the feeling he was weighing his words, debating whether or not to share any more with him. Inuyasha knew the feeling. After being alone so long, it was hard to learn to trust. Kagome had taught him how to rely on others, that he was no longer alone in the world.

It was startling to find that he was playing a similar role for Kohaku.

"You aren't going to try to stop me?"

Inuyasha watched the late afternoon heat shimmering over the ground. In the distance, cicadas made a racket as they creaked and buzzed, droning on with an infuriating insistence. "Why would I?" He finally asked, thoughtfully. How disconcerting that he could see in this young boy a mirror of himself. "Why would I stop you from doing something I've thought about myself?"

Kohaku turned to face Inuyasha. "I have a favor to ask, Inuyasha-niisan. Man-to-man, if you will."

"Go for it."

The boy's face was set. "I want to leave tomorrow, early, with Kirara. I don't know where I'll go, but I'll be okay. I have my weapon, I have my training. I want to…travel. To know more of Japan than just our small village here, or my birthplace. I want to see what there is to see, and to help people as I go. To…atone, for the things I've done."

Inuyasha was silent, waiting for Kohaku to finish. The boy took a breath. "I want you to stay, here, so I have the freedom to wander."

Inuyasha lifted an eyebrow. "And why's that?" Why would he ask? Why did he want Inuyasha to stay?

Kohaku's hands gripped his elbows, the only outward sign of his agitation, but his voice was even. "Because Ane-ue wouldn't be able to stand losing us both."

There was a longer silence, this one tense, as Inuyasha turned Kohaku's words over and over in his mind. It was still so dumbfounding that others relied on him—on him, a hanyou, unwanted, weak, worthless. But wasn't there truth in what Kohaku had said? Just as Inuyasha himself had admitted there were those who needed Kagome, those who loved her and missed her, there were those, here, who…he couldn't bring himself to say they loved him. He wasn't egotistical enough to think they needed him.

But it was oddly comforting, and distinctly frightening, to think that they would miss him if he were gone.

"And," Kohaku added, "for protection."

That earned him the usual snort. "Keh. She's got the monk."

Kohaku laughed, but it was short-lived. "From Sesshoumaru-sama. At least…at least for a while."

Inuyasha waited. "You think Sesshoumaru would come for Sango now?" Kohaku had related to him, in bits and pieces, what had happened when Sango and Miroku had been split apart inside Naraku's body. What Sango had decided to do, the sacrifice she'd been willing to make, caught in the web of Byakuya's illusion.

Sesshoumaru's untimely entrance, and Sango's offer of her life.

"Sesshoumaru-sama is unpredictable like a winter storm."

"More like a demon from hell."

Kohaku laughed again. "Ane-ue deserves to be happy," he said simply. "You can protect that happiness."

Inuyasha made a face. "You make it sound like I'm the one who took wedding vows with her." He held up a hand to prevent Kohaku's comments. "I understand you. I got it." The silence was filled with waiting, and he blew out a breath. "I'll stay."

The smile that lit Kohaku's face transformed his normally serious features into something younger, softer, more innocent. Inuyasha braced himself, but the expected hug never came. He realized he'd squeezed his eyes shut, and, opening them, found Kohaku standing directly in front of him. "What?"

"You looked like you were in pain."

Inuyasha hunched his shoulders. "I thought you were gonna hug me or something."

And a moment later, he found Kohaku doing just that.

"Get off! Get off of me." But it was a mutter, half-hearted and not at all convincing, even to himself. Kohaku just laughed and gave him one final squeeze before stepping back. "Stupid human."

"Thanks, Inuyasha-niisan." His smile was brilliant, carefree. Inuyasha had never been like that. He'd never known such simple happiness.

He'd been younger yet than Kohaku when he had lost his only 'family' and had been thrown to the mercy of the merciless world.

He was older now, but the world was still as merciless. He hadn't had a second family to lose, but he'd lost the only person he'd have considered being a family with.

Inuyasha watched Kohaku run off towards the village, presumably to tell Sango of his imminent departure. As similar as he and Kohaku were, there was a glaring difference. Kohaku was young enough still that he could do that—run off, be alone, not think about the worry and heartache he left behind. He was young enough still he could pretend it didn't hurt that his sister waited and worried for him.

Inuyasha was older than that. He knew better than that. He couldn't just run off, he couldn't just pretend.

Sometimes, Inuyasha thought as he turned back to stare at the sky, sometimes it would have been easier if he'd never grown up at all.