Absence

Chapter Fifteen

There was a scent to the wind that sluiced past her face. Running water to the east, pine forests. Birdsong filled her ears, and Kagome smiled despite the hair whipping into her eyes. She always forgot to tie her hair back, but there was something almost poetic about the way her black and his silver melded together in the wind.

He bounded easily, effortlessly, across the land, his hands on her legs holding her tight. The sun was warm on her face; he was warm beneath the circle of her arms as she held his shoulders. There was a scent to him that was freedom and danger, protection and hope. The fire-rat robe was a familiar feel against her skin.

"Tired?"

His voice wasn't quite a shout, but he had to raise his voice and turn his head so the wind wouldn't whip his words away. She met his eyes, those amazing golden eyes, and smiled. Her arms tightened, a wordless reassurance. "I'm okay."

"We'll stop soon." A promise, minor in consequence, but she knew he'd keep it. She wasn't tired, either, not really. Not when he was doing all the work. They had gone off from their traveling companions, Miroku and Sango and Shippou pressing ahead to the beleaguered village, while Inuyasha and Kagome investigated the suspicious presence in her mind in the mountain foothills. They were still a day's travel from meeting up with the rest of their friends.

"How about here?" Inuyasha came to rest in the denuded branch of a tall tree. Buds were beginning to form, thanks to the unseasonable warmth of early spring, but the view of the waterfall was unimpeded. The roar of crashing, foaming water was both exhilarating and soothing, and Kagome beamed at the pure beauty before her.

She resisted the urge, barely, to stroke her fingers along the side of his neck, warm from the exertion of their faster-than-human travel. His pulse would be there, pounding, steady and reassuring, a symbol of his life and health. Superhuman life, superhuman health. "It's lovely."

He set her down at the edge of the deep, clear pool of water. Huge boulders stilled the violent splashing of water, but the water was bone-chillingly cold. "Early yet," he commented. His shoulders hunched the way they did when he was embarrassed, but she didn't know why he would be uncomfortable. "I guess we could keep going."

She tilted her head and smiled. "I like it here. We can take the afternoon off. Spend some time together." His blush deepened, and she pretended not to notice. It would only make him more uncomfortable, and she didn't want to ruin the moment with a stupid fight. "We don't get to spend much time together, just relaxing."

The thought of relaxing made his stomach muscles tighten. He'd never thought he'd hear someone say they'd want to be around him, relaxing. Not many would say being around him was relaxing.

All he said was "Keh". She just smiled, so he knew she wasn't mad.

He caught a fish, and she roasted it with herbs from her pack and some wild plants she'd foraged from the waterline. They ate in silence, then watched the sunset from a sun-warmed rock on the sandy banks of the pool.

Halfway into the evening shadows, Kagome rested her head on his shoulder. "We should do this more often," she murmured. His arm came around her waist—tentatively. She kept her eyes on the natural beauty before her, knowing he was apt to pull away at the slightest hint of reaction on her part, positive or otherwise. "It's nice out here, with you."

With you. His pulse bobbed nervously in his throat, and his palm on her hip went damp, even as warmth spread just under his heart. With you. He couldn't form any words, didn't know what he'd say.

He liked the sound of that. With you.

So did she.

Kagome woke with a jolt, staring at the ceiling. There was a crick in her neck, as if she'd slept in the same position too long. The room was dark and still, and Kagome rolled her neck slowly. It felt like four AM, and a check of the clock confirmed her guess. She barely suppressed the sigh, knowing she had a long battle ahead of her to reclaim sleep. If she was lucky, she'd get another hour's rest before her alarm went off at six. If not—and so often it was the case that she wouldn't—she'd spend the entire day in a tired fog.

The dreams came to her, just as often now as before. She was entering her final months as a senior of high school, and still she dreamed of the life she'd had before. Junior high school, the well that connected two worlds…and Inuyasha.

The tears came, too, just as easily as they had before. Kagome no longer grew impatient with them, and she kept her eyes open as they trickled slowly down her temples to soak into her hair. The ache that always accompanied the thought of him—rough, impatient, brash, arrogant—never diminished. It was easier, somehow, in the early morning wakefulness, to think of him.

Somehow, thoughts of him in the harsh daylight only made it that much more painful.

The well had stopped connecting nearly three years ago. Whether from the disappearance of the Shikon no Tama or from her own emotional turmoil in the days following the final battle in the darkness within the jewel, Kagome might never know. The terror, the desperation, the sheer relief of seeing her family. Their worry, their fear…And the look on Inuyasha's face when their eyes met, that one last time.

There had been no time for words, Kagome thought with the same stabbing shock of despair. The sob that rose in her throat was as familiar to her as the tears, and just as inevitable. No time for words, for anything. She'd had no idea until he was already going what he was doing. He was leaving…he was leaving her behind.

And she didn't try to stop him.

She hadn't tried to go after him.

She couldn't.

For a long time, Kagome had slept with her desk lamp on to banish the darkness of the nights. She had taken long, boiling hot baths to try to dispel the soul-deep chill that froze her heart and held her trapped. Three days of darkness, an eternity of despair. And then Inuyasha, just as he'd promised, just as he'd always promised. He was there.

And now he's gone.

Kagome rolled over to stare at her desk. Mounted on the wall, in a protective case of glass, was her bow. Kikyo had given it her, claiming it was Kagome's to have. The quiver of arrows, only half-full, had its own case beside her desk. The arrow from that bow had pierced the Shikon no Tama, and it was Kagome's wish that had destroyed the evil jewel for eternity.

"Why can't I be happy?" she whispered, as she so often did. The bow never answered. The tears only flowed faster. "Why can't I stop missing you, Inuyasha?"

Sunrise came slowly, and Kagome was, as predicted, dragging. The lack of energy struck keenly at the breakfast table, where Souta, now in middle school, bubbled over with enthusiasm for his soccer match that afternoon. "You coming to watch, Neechan?" He poked her with his spoon when she didn't respond, and Kagome started, staring blearily at him across the table.

"What?" She blinked, his face swimming into focus. "Sorry, Souta, what?" He repeated the question, patiently, and Kagome mumbled, "I don't know, Souta." His disappointment was easy to read, and she tried a smile. "I'll try. You know I'll try. I'm not doing so well in math, though. I might have to stay for extra tutorial if my test scores aren't so high."

Souta just nodded and returned to his bowl of cereal. He never said anything, but his sister just hadn't been the same since she'd come back from the other side of the well that final time. He didn't know what to tell her. He missed his Inu-no-niichan, too.

Kagome made it through the day, keeping up the pretense of normalcy before her friends. Lunch was always the hardest. Eri was talking, as usual, about her latest boyfriend, some guy from a rival high school she'd met at her part-time job at a small café at the mall.

"…but lately, he's been really getting on my nerves," Eri said over her school lunch box. She poked at the pickled vegetables with her rice. "I mean, he's sweet and everything, but he seems so immature sometimes."

"That's what you said about Kenta, too," Ayumi pointed out around a mouthful of grilled fish. "You should go out with older guys. You know how boys mature later than girls."

Yuka shook her head vehemently. "Not a college boy! They're no fun at all, and they're not a good bet for stability."

"That leaves a part-timer," Ayumi argued. "They're not much better."

Eri interrupted. "I'm not thinking of dumping him. Not really," she said at her friends' disbelieving looks. "But, I don't know. He's got some sort of special date planned this weekend. I'll see how that goes. At least he's real sweet, you know? Real attentive. Like Hojo-kun is…" She looked at Kagome, trailing off when she saw the distant look on her friend's face. "Kagome? Earth to Kagome!"

Kagome snapped back. "Huh?" She realized the others were staring at her closely, as they were wont to do. She didn't let it bother her anymore. "Sorry. Bad night."

"What you need is a new boyfriend," Ayumi announced. "It's been years, Kagome. You need to get over him already." They never mentioned who they were talking about—it was patently obvious Kagome spent an unhealthy amount of time mooning about the boyfriend—the two-timing, no-good, violent, selfish boyfriend—she'd broken up with three years ago. "You haven't even dated, have you, except for Hojo-kun?"

Kagome colored slightly at the mention of Hojo. "We're not dating," she insisted, as she did every time. "We're friends, and he likes to hang out."

"Yeah." Yuka nodded sagely. "Hang out. One-on-one. Movies, game centers, going to the mall. Mini-golfing, going for drives...Those sound like dates to me."

Kagome just shook her head but kept silent. It wasn't worth the fights to try to convince her friends that she had no interest in Hojo-kun as a potential boyfriend. He was a nice friend, and she did enjoy spending time with him. What before had been mild amusement, mild annoyance at his pursuit of her had faded into simple lack of interest. It was too much work to care, and it was easier to just ignore any signals he sent of his continued affection for her.

All that mattered was school. Getting good grades, fulfilling her filial obligations, going home and helping her mother with the house chores. She had a duty here, and she was going to see it through. If it meant she spent her existence in a half-ghoul state, feeling disassociated from her friends and classmates, barely in touch with the "real world" around her…then that's what she had to do.

She had a plan, a goal in mind, and though it was nebulous still and only half-formed in the deepest recesses of her subconscious, it was there.

Her future. Her life. Her happiness.

Somehow, she already knew what she had to do. What she would do. When the time came, she would be ready, whether she knew it or not.

It wasn't just fate, it wasn't just destiny.

It was right.

Written: 3.21.10