A/N Thank you for all the reviews! New readers, welcome!

And enjoy… (though you might need a couple of Kleenex and something to throw at Derek)

PS I'm sorry for no breaks between the scenes. I have no idea why but nothing I do works when the doc files get uploaded on the site… I always used a row of stars and it worked as far as I can remember but now it doesn't… Any tips?

Meredith bit her lip and slowly got out of the car, balancing her bag and two carton boxes on her hands. The one on the top dangerously toppled over and the cake it contained would have crashed spectacularly into the paving of the driveway had it not been for Derek to catch it.

"Got it," he chuckled helping his fiancée to carry the packages.

"Thanks," she smiled up and planted a sweet kiss on his nose. He made a gallant gesture for her to go up to Carolyn's house first. Things were going great for the last few days, really great. The argument they had on the evening of the study group fiasco seemed to clear off the air. Meredith was able to let out a deep breath of relief. She was probably overdramatizing. Mom was absolutely right, every couple went thought rough patches now and then. Every relationship required work.

Meredith almost regretted betraying herself with her doubts in front of the girls during the last dress fitting. She and Derek were going to be the centre of attention all throughout the dinner and under strict observation of every Shepherd female. Yup, Derek might be a Shepherd in flesh and blood but Meredith was accepted into the family a long time ago and let's just say that female Shepherd solidarity was not a thing to overlook. One word of complaint on Meredith's part was enough to convene a crisis committee.

"We're here," announced Meredith coming inside the house. "Hope we're not late!"

They were greeted with the usual bustling of the Shepherd household, sounds of loud conversations, laughing, children running around. Meredith clearly remembered the day when she felt like she belonged to the family for the first time. Although it enlarged by two husbands and three children, the family house welcomed her with the same warmth and unconditional acceptance.

She loved it here.

FLASHBACK

She hated it. She must have been temporarily insane to say yes. Again. She didn't come to her friends' houses for dinner. She didn't even have friends. Derek insisted they were friends and Meredith couldn't fathom why. If he was so desperate for friendship, he could have chosen someone more likeable than her.

And a row with Ellis just before she left for the hospital didn't help her spirits either. It was in fact the core of the problem. She didn't want to stare at some happy family having a good time together. It was making her care too much; sometimes at the Shepherds she could feel an irksome twinge in her heart, a twinge of envy.

It proved it wasn't an unattainable task to have someone to love you or take care of you. Other people had such a someone, probably lots of people did. Not her. She didn't have that privilege. She was undeserving. None of the Shepherds knew that of course. Not even Derek, though the topic sometimes cropped up in conversation. She didn't want anyone's pity. Every time she managed to skillfully steer the conversation away from the delicate topic. She knew how to and wasn't afraid of lying.

But today she might just not have the strength to pretend. Ellis made her feel like that from time to time. Like crap. Like she was worthless, like still after fourteen years of life she didn't do anything remarkable to win her mother's love. And she was trying so hard since she could remember.

"You're okay?" Derek asked quietly, gently poking her elbow. Nancy was talking with Kath, pretending there was an empty space where Meredith was sitting at the table, next to her brother. Amelia and Lanie, as usual, were heard and seen everywhere; the most often behind Mer and Derek singing silly songs about them.

"I'm fine," she answered, her face expressionless.

"The weather's just getting worse and worse by the minute," remarked lightly Carolyn as she placed a bowl of deliciously smelling soup in the centre of the table. Normally, Meredith's insides would squirm in hunger and anticipation, she didn't eat comfort food all that often. Today, it was just another sad reminder of her miserable existence.

"Maybe you should call your parents, Meredith?" Derek's mother looked at her warmly from across the table. "They might be worried."

"I doubt it," she answered shortly filling her plate with the hot stew.

"I hope you don't mind me asking, Meredith," Carolyn took up again, her eyes knowing. "But, are you feeling all right? You're terribly pale and your usual appetite seems to be gone."

"I'm fine."

"Uh-huh." She heard Derek's skeptical hum but chose to ignore it.

"So, how's the school going?" she asked the twins to move the spotlight from her.

"Great!" the girls shouted both at once, looked at each other with a frown and burst in giggles.

"We're making a career!" said Lanie enthusiastically.

"We're choosing a career, duh!" Amelia corrected her with a roll of her eyes. "It's a project. We're making a plan of how to become what we want when we're grown up. And I'm gonna be a star! I'm going to have my own band and we're gonna travel around the world!"

"I'm not," Lanie shook her head decidedly. "I'm going to stay at home, just like Mom. She's better than any star," she stated resolutely as Amelia stuck her tongue at her.

"Who are you going to be, Mer?" asked Lanie curiously.

"A doctor." Why did the conversation always had to make a full circle?

"Boring. But that's just like your mom, right? That's what Derek said," explained Amelia.

"Is your mom a rock star too?" inquired Lanie.

Meredith's knuckles went almost white as her fingers held the spoon in a deathly grip. "That she certainly isn't," she gritted out.

"What about your dad?" Amelia went on and on.

"I…"

"Our dad is dead," sighed Lanie. "He had a store. What does your dad do?"

"I don't know but wish he was dead too," muttered Meredith before she could stop herself. The words just flew out of her mouth and made her immediately regret she hadn't been more careful.

"Why?" exclaimed Amelia, her eyes wide. The rest of table went oddly quiet.

"Mer, dear, d'you think you can help me in the kitchen?" Carolyn cleared her throat and beckoned her out of the living room.

"I… yeah, okay," she sighed and marched heavily after Derek's mom. She didn't even dare to look at Derek. "So… what do you want me to do? Help you wash the dishes? Dry-"

"I want you to sit down for a minute," she smiled at her pulling a chair at the kitchen table. "Just sit and breath it out. You need a breather… and well, at least to me the kitchen is the most soothing place in the whole house."

She complied and took the chair watching idly as Mrs. Shepherd put the plates into the bubbly sink. She started to hum some pleasant melody while she worked, and there was a kind smile on her face. Constantly. The big clock in a shape of a kettle was ticking loudly. A flowed of some kind growing in the pot at the windowsill was giving a faint aroma.

Meredith felt some invisible force squeeze her lungs, depraving her of air, causing unpleasant tingling somewhere along her jaw. Her eyelid felt thick and heavy with growing wetness. She tried hard to stop herself, to stop her organism till Mrs. Shepherd wad still her back to her. But a sob escaped her constricted throat and that seemed to open the dam. She breathed hard as the tears impaired her vision. The last thing she saw was Carolyn's silhouette moving closer to her. The next thing she felt was the woman taking her into a tight warm embrace.

"It's okay," she murmured into her hair as Meredith's body was shaken by the sobs she tried to fight. "Cry it all out. It will feel better."

"I'm sorry," her words slurred as she tried to stand up blindly. "I should go… I… am sorry and I'd better go…"

"Don't even think about it," Carolyn said categorically.

"I'm a freak, I'm a useless freak and a… and a…" she hiccoughed. "A disgrace-"

"I don't know where this words come from but they're as preposterous as they are untrue."

"It is… it is…"

"You're not a disgrace, quite the opposite in fact. I'm proud that Derek has you as his friend. I'm proud to have you under my roof."

Meredith tried to give a snort of disbelief through her stuffy nose.

"And you are beautiful, on the outside and on the inside. You don't even realize how beautiful your soul is," Carolyn said softly.

"You must be the only person in the world to think that."

"I'm pretty sure I'm not," smiled Carolyn, her eyes twinkling.

"My mother hates me," Meredith confessed quietly, her eyes staring at the floor.

"That cannot be true-"

"Yes, it can," argued Meredith. "Because she said all those things to me."

For a moment, Carolyn was at a loss for words. It was unthinkable of a woman to speak to her own child like that.

"Well, in that case…I can be your surrogate Mom," she offered not loosening hold of the trembling girl in her arms. "I'll be more than happy to have you as a daughter."

"Are you serious?" Meredith asked feebly

"Of course I am," Carolyn nodded at her reassuringly. "In this moment, I'm locking you in my heart and throwing out the key."

"God, this is so lame," Meredith gave out a watery chuckle.

"So… is everything okay?" Derek asked quietly at her side. The storm moved away and the sky was getting clear. Despite the chill, they were sitting on the fronts steps to his house.

"No, it's not," she sighed tiredly hugging her knees. The conversation with Carolyn was… it was indescribable. No one ever talked to her like that. Like… like she meant something, like she was precious. It wasn't like her problems and issues would just go away. But at least some part of the burden was off her shoulders. Maybe it a bit naïve on her part but she felt she finally had a person she could trust. "I'm not okay but… I am sorry for what I said. It didn't come out… well, it did come out as I intended but I didn't want to upset Lanie or Amelia, or anyone for that matter."

"I know," he nodded. "They… don't really remember dad. Just flashes."

"I'm sorry," she murmured turning her head to look at him, her cheek pressed to her knee.

"I… sometimes, I tell them stories about him. I'm starting to forget some things too," he confessed.

"I can't remember my dad either," Meredith admitted with a small voice.

"Is he dead?"

"He's…" she trailed off. How could she ever acknowledge that her father simply didn't want her?

"My dad… he was shot. Someone… they… the killed him for his watch in his own store…"

"Derek I…" suddenly she didn't know what to say. "I'm so sorry. But he… he loved you, right?"

"He was great. He was a great person."

"You know you meant something to him. My… father left when I was five. Don't know if it was because of me or my mother… we are both… hard to be around…"

"I… thinkyourgreat…"

"What?" she asked as Derek's last sentence came out as a complete mumble. And his cheeks were slightly more colored than the coldness of the air would make them.

"I said… that you're great…"

"You're insane," she rolled her eyes but there was no taunting in her voice. "And you should talk to my mother."

"You two had a fight?" he asked gently.

"I don't have fights with her. I piss her off with something, she yells and she leaves. And it's all over again. I don't know why she keeps me. We would both be happier if she just dumped me."

Derek didn't say anything this time but instead she felt his fingers moving unsurely over hers. To his surprise, and to hers as well, she didn't pushed them away.

"You know, sometimes, or well, most of the time, I wish I could just walk out of my house and keep walking. No turning around, no looking back, just… away."

"I hope you won't," he whispered.

She smiled at him softly, letting his fingers fall between hers. But the door behind them clicked open and she flinched her hand away.

"What in the god's name are you doing so long sitting in the cold?" Carolyn scolded them in her usual good-natured way.

"I was just… going home," said Meredith standing up briskly.

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to go alone this late. It's getting dark already and… well, you didn't eat much," she said purposefully omitting their conversation in the kitchen. "I'll get something for to change from Nancy… no, maybe from Kath."

"No, really," Meredith shook her head vehemently. "I don't want to cause any more trouble."

"You're not," stated Carolyn categorically. "Come on in, I wouldn't let out alone. We just call your mom not to worry-"

"She won't" Meredith shrugged her shoulders. "Really, she's at the hospital, 48-hour shift. Won't turn up home until the day after tomorrow."

"Well, then-"

"Is Mer staying over?" Lane shouted with a big smile on her face, appearing in the crack of the door behind her mother.

"Oh," Amelia's eyes went wide. "Is she going to sleep with Derek?"

For the first time that day, Meredith felt like laughing. She chanced a look at Derek, predictably, he was dying from embarrassment but… there was something… there was the tiniest hint of a smile on his lips.

"Amelia Shepherd!" Carolyn turned towards her at with an outraged cry. "Where did you get those ideas?"

"That's what boyfriends and girlfriends do," shrugged the little girl.

"No, they don't!" argued her mother. "That's married people do. Now, shoo, in the house!"

"I'll get the guest room ready for you, Mer," informed her Carolyn putting a special emphasis on the word guest room.

"That blows, you'd have to sneak in later, Derek," quipped Meredith following her inside. She heard a quiet incomprehensible sound behind her and stifled her smile.

END OF FLASHBACK

"So, how's it been going, Mer?" asked Kathleen from the opposite end of the table.

"Good. I could swear the time's speeding up those last few weeks of the internship but… it's great," she smiled. She narrowed her eyes subsequently at every sister. She knew what was going on, the question time. Kath's and Nancy's husbands congratulated themselves that this time none of them were in the spotlight and concentrated on their food. If the situation was to get out of hand, it could be their last meal in this world.

"Derek?" prompted Nancy completely ignoring Meredith's silent plea.

"Uh, as Meredith said it's insanely busy we're doing just fine," he said and kept on eating. He absolutely hated it when his sisters insisted on sticking their long noses where they didn't belong.

"But you'll make it with the wedding preparations?" asked Lanie.

Meredith instantly knew it wasn't just a question about the schedule. It was a question about to be or not be of the wedding.

"Sure, we'll manage to do everything just as we planned," smiled Meredith peering at Amelia. It was her turn.

"And when did you have sex last time?"

Nope, that she wasn't expecting.

"Amelia Shepherd!"

"Don't be a prude, Ma," she rolled her eyes.

"I'm not a prude," Carolyn replied dryly. "Mind the children here!"

"Like they didn't hear them going at it last August at the summer house-"

"You know, maybe it will be just easier to answer," cut in Derek with a grin. "The last time? Hm, let me think, an hour and half ago!"

Several outcries shot through the room.

"Derek!" Meredith hissed hitting him on the arm.

"Eww!" shrieked Lanie as Amelia made gagging noise. "You did on the way here? I hugged you!"

"Well, at least we can assume that the wedding is really going to take place," chuckled Kathleen.

"I was delegated to get the lemonade," said Derek striding into the kitchen where Carolyn was cutting an apple pie, into even parts.

"Derek, dear, can you just... stay with me here for a minute?"

He sighed and put the bottle back on the table. He knew where it was going. "Sure, I'm listening."

"I don't think I like that tone, dear," she reprimanded him lightly.

"Mom, seriously. I'm not a five-year-old."

"I am not trying to control you, Derek. I'm not trying to interfere in your life."

"Okay," he nodded. "But somehow I don't think me and Mer are here just to enjoy a family meal. And, yes, I'm talking about that grilling just an hour ago."

"Meredith seemed off last Saturday," admitted Carolyn wiping her hands on her apron and finally turning to her son. "Not the sparkling energetic girl she usually is."

"We've had… a misunderstanding," he shrugged. "But we've made up, as always."

"As always," repeated his mother.

"What? What do you want me to say, Mom?" he frowned. "What more is there to talk about? We're getting married in two months, I love her. We all know that already."

"I have no doubt whatsoever that you do," she replied frankly. "But that's just me. You need to make sure Meredith knows that."

"Of course she knows that," he snorted and rolled his eyes. "Where have you been for the last twelve years, Mom?"

"I'm just saying, Derek," she looked him straight in the eye. "Meredith is my daughter, I love her like one and I care for her like one. You're me son, you're my only son. But despite that, and because of that, I won't forgive you if you screw up this relationship."

"Have you just used a curse word?" he chuckled.

"Derek-"

"Mom, seriously. I have no idea what you're talking about. Me and Meredith are happy, we're getting married. What else do you want?"

"Nothing else, Sweetie," she simply shook her head. "Nothing else."

"I'm going back. Need me to take something?"

Without further word, she passed him a stack of saucers and watched him leave the kitchen. True, Meredith and Derek looked happy. Her almost daughter-in-law seemed radiant and she couldn't fish out any traces of stress that plagued her on Saturday. Yet, Carolyn had an intuition, a gut feeling, that their problems weren't over. She had years of experience, she knew life, she knew her son. She also knew well enough that he loved Meredith more than life itself. She only hoped he wasn't going to take that love for granted.

"Bitch, you're busy?" Meredith picked up her cell to hear Cristina's excited voice. "Doesn't matter anyway because nothing you were doing would be more worthwhile than being here while they load up the building collapse victims! Well, I guess sex would be an exception but seeing you've been getting the same services for years now it's not much of a treat, is it?"

"A building collapse," said Meredith dreamily imagining the incoming trauma.

"Lots and lots of victims coming to the ER in… five minutes. Get your ass over here stat or all the best cases will be mine. Or, what's even worse, Sloan's."

"Thanks for the call, Cris," sighed Meredith. They just came back from Carolyn's half an hour ago and were looking up to spending a relaxing evening enjoying the first really warm evening on the balcony with a bottle of wine. Relationships required constant work and occasional sacrifices. If she'd miss out on some cracked skull to spend time with her fiancé, so be it.

"Why don't I like your tone?" groaned Cristina.

"Look, we just had a dinner with the family and we want to spent a quiet evening at home-"

"Seriously? You're chucking a massive inflow of trauma for a quiet evening at home? With a guy you have at home everyday anyway?"

"Works not everything for me. It's not even second on my list," explained Meredith with a smile. It wasn't and she felt proud of it. she was not a younger version of Ellis Grey. She was Meredith Grey with a soul and heart in the right places.

"I hate those moments when you turn into a sap," quipped Cristina. "But… more for me. You'll hear me brag tomorrow."

Meredith took the glasses and wine bottle and went out of the kitchen with the intention of joining Derek on the balcony. She didn't make it there as she spotted him at the door tying his shoes.

"Derek? You going somewhere?"

"Hospital. Mark's just called that a building collapsed, a lot of blood apparently."

Derek didn't just say that for sure… She just misheard right?

"Apparently, they don't need us seeing that we haven't been paged," reasoned Meredith, her voice just a bit strained.

"Well, we need all the practice we can get. You coming?" he shot at her grabbing the car keys.

"No, I'm not coming!" she snapped with irritation. "I-"

"Sorry, Mer, I need to get going," he looked at her apologetically halfway out of the door. "We'll talk later."

She stood speechless in the middle of the room after the door shut after him. Only a good couple of minutes later she retreated back to the kitchen. She sat down at the table staring at the unopened bottle of wine. She sat down and began to think, playing with one of the glasses.

She couldn't really choose what she was feeling. Anger? Disappointment? Dread?

Apparently she was living in la-la land for the last few days. She should have known it wouldn't be that easy as to make him jealous. Of course, she could make him jealous every day but that was not the kind of relationship she wanted to nourish. The glass slipped from her fingers. It would have toppled over but she caught it last minute.

She didn't really want to ask herself these questions. She pushed them to the back of her mind for quite some time, she realized that now. They were unavoidable though. She had to know the answers. Before the end of internship. Before the wedding. Her mind would never know peace of she left it at that. Did Derek even love her anymore… or was it just a habit, a lifestyle he was used to and comfortable with? Maybe it was impossible to meet your soul mate at the age of fourteen…? An involuntary shiver ran her body and her fingers let the wine glass fall to the floor. She was ready to clean up the smithereens but as she peeked under the table she discovered the delicate container survived by some miracle.

She straightened up and sighed. There, she asked the question. Did she feel better? Not at all. Actually, she felt as if her stomach was filled with lead.

Her mood didn't improve when some time later she received Cristina's MMS. It contained a photo of Derek tending to a man with a metallic rod sticking out of his chest. The accompanying text message was short and snarky. "You sucker!".

A/N Comment?

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