04. active pain
After school, Kira had to wait for a moment for Lacus since it's actually exercise time with her light music club, and she said that she would make an excuse instead, so she could go with him.
When he waited in front of their school under the green trees, he actually thought hard about what he should say to her first before finally he would talk about the rumor, without hurt her. It was a sensitive subject and very personal that actually he was not supposed to ask her about it—they're not even close to begin with.
But then Kira felt that he had a right to know, it was for Cagalli and Athrun's sake too. As much as he didn't know anything about this Athrun guy, he knew that his sister deserved all the rights for getting her own happiness. When Cagalli told him about what Athrun was like, and how their relationship going, he actually felt scared for Athrun's safety instead.
Athrun was a gentle, polite, and good natured man, while Cagalli was completely the opposite of him. They often had fights and Cagalli was the kind of girl that reacted violently when got angry, and she didn't mind to use her fists, even if that person was her beloved. But they made up relatively fast, and became a forgiving man he was, Athrun didn't even mind the bruises he got.
The only possible explanation for his behavior was that Athrun must really love his older sister that serious, that even though he was constantly harassed by her strong punches, he still had an urge to propose her, holding her hand into the unification of marriage.
But….
His hold tightened, gripped his own trouser so ever firm. That, if the rumor true and that he did confront her about it, then instead he would walk on to her happiness then. What he would do would hurt both sides. And it would be the last thing he would want to do, if it hurt them both in the end.
He swallowed. For what's sake he must do it?
A voice merrily snapped him out of his trance. He turned to his left and found her smiling so ever gently to him, eyes gleaming with warmth, something that he had always fondly liked.
"Are you alright?" she tilted her head sideways, glancing at him curiously
"Hmm, I'm okay," he nodded
They walked side by side, and he discovered that unconsciously, they kept a certain distance between them. It was taboo for someone who didn't have a relationship to walk so closely together anyway, he understood that. But the distance somehow made him feel uncomfortable, feel cold inside.
She was silent, seemed as if she was in deep thought that soon, she was left behind. She didn't even realize it, but he did, when he looked at his left and she was not there. He pivoted around, found her walking slowly, eyes downward, and not at once concentrated with her surrounding.
He stood rigid on his spot, until she stumbled on him. Instinctively, he supported her figure by wrapping an arm around her, feeling an unfamiliar sensation that arouse within his limb. It was warm, unnerving and comfortable, like butterflies were jittering around.
"Are you alright?" it was his turn to ask the same question that she asked him earlier
She nodded, smiling weakly, "It's not something important, Kira, please don't worry," her tone somehow made him frown and worried instead.
He released his hold, but took a hold of her arm, looking at her with an intense stare.
"If you need to tell someone about something that has been bothering you, I'm always here," he told her seriously
Her eyes widened, before she smiled gently at him, shaking her head, "Thank you Kira. But I can't bother you more,"
"We will soon become a family, right? It's just usual that families tell each other their problems. So, if you have a problem, please let me know," he tried to reassure her, without knowing why he would do it. But families did that too, and he didn't see why he shouldn't do it. Beside, it was just one way to get a closure of the rumor, wasn't it? He attempted to believe his assumption.
Her eyes softened a little, "Kira, you're a very kind person. Always a very kind person. Thank you so much for your kindness. I will remember it, always,"
He nodded, "You're welcome Lacus,"
Always a very kind person? Did it mean she had always observed him from afar?
However he shrugged it off, didn't want to ask about it further.
The silence between them was maintained for a while before finally they arrived at the optic shop. He was never one who liked noise in the first place, but this silence was just too obnoxious.
It was him who broke the silence, when he slowly pushed the door open, letting her to go inside first
"Do you have time after I buy the glasses?" he asked seriously, "There's something I have to talk with you,"
"Oh?" she responded curiously, head slightly turned to his side, "There's nothing to do at home, so you may go ahead,"
"Thank you Lacus," he said, feeling his eyes hardened slightly
Just how would he talk to her about it?
In the first day of second year, when he still didn't know that Lacus' brother was the one who's going to marry his older sister, he would probably not think much about the issue of Lacus being in love with her own brother. But now, when the threads of problem and problem started to bind together, he just became confused more than ever.
"You seem to be in deep thought. May I know what you are thinking Kira?" she asked curiously, looking at him with interested eyes
"Ah, I'm sorry. I'm just spacing out, that's all," he laughed nervously
He would not talk about it here. Certainly not.
He then walked to the counter with Lacus trailed behind him. The optic shop was painted white, and the lights shining yellow, glowed grandly. The shopkeeper greeted him warmly, asked if he needed her assistance. However, Kira felt guilty that actually he just wanted to buy common glasses, because common glasses obviously cost less than reading glasses or minus glasses.
"Umm, I need common glasses," he said his order nervously
"Glasses for fashion wear? Please wait for a minute," the shopkeeper bowed politely while walking away, picking what he wanted
"Your eyes are actually normal?" she exclaimed, surprised
He nodded ashamedly, "I couldn't think of an excuse to stop Miss Badgiruel from moving me away, so I lied. I'm sorry,"
She frowned, looked a little displeased, "Lying is bad, Kira!" but then she seemed to remember something that stopped her from saying any further and bowed her head ashamedly too
"But if it's for good reason, I guess it's not bad too," she continued softly, so soft that it was barely a whisper
His brows furrowed even a little more. There's something wrong. There's certainly something wrong.
The shopkeeper came back, sets of glasses were placed in front of them
"Here is our collection for choices of glasses frames. I need to go attend other customers for a while, please take your time to choose anything you like," she bowed again, leaving them both by themselves
Even though the previous silence, but when she looked at the stacks of glasses, her eyes were shining with fondness. Became a daughter of a rich politician, it was just logical that she probably liked to go shopping.
It was proven when she stared at him with eyes full of mirth, something that he silently adored
"Look Kira, you have to try this one!" she chirped cheerfully, her melancholy suddenly dissipated as she held her chosen glasses and put it on him with giddy painted all over.
He blushed cutely for a while, surprised indeed with her movement
"There! It looks good on you!" she put her hands together in admiration, smile was wide, full of satisfactory. Then, her eyes sparkled again as she glanced at another glasses that caught her attention
"Oh dear, this one looks pretty good too! Let's see if this fits you as well," her hands brushed his skin to remove the glasses for a moment, made his inside melted like butter.
She recycled the route again and again, until she felt a satisfactory on picking him the right glasses. He didn't even mind a bit that she treated him like her doll, in truth, he enjoyed her treatment on him.
Her hands were nimble, small and fragile, yet soft like texture of porcelain. The brushes on his skin, even though they were short-lived, but now he certainly knew the feeling of her hands on his skin. It was different, compared to his rather rough, male hands, even different from Cagalli's hands which felt someway around rough and soft. It was a feeling of real female hands, hands that barely did any hard work that they barely ever had any friction with something rough.
It was a feeling that he would forevermore remember.
In the end, he ended up with a full frame glasses, the frame itself was colored pitch black. She really had a nice taste of fashion, because when he saw himself in the mirror, he liked how he looked like with glasses. It didn't look too bad, he had to admit, because he had predicted that glasses would make his nerd self even more apparent.
However, courtesy to her excellent taste, he started to like his appearance with glasses.
"Do you like it?" she whispered, dreading for his answer
"Yes," he nodded, still looking at the mirror, "Even though I look different with glasses, I admit," he laughed
"Oh dear, but you're lucky to buy one! I would want to buy one too, glasses are a pretty thing, aren't they?" she sighed, looked fondly at the stacks of glasses
"I could buy one for you if you want," he suddenly suggested, "Let me pick one for you, as a gratitude for the one that you picked," he had started to scramble to pick correct glasses for her, feeling a gentle smile began to form on his face
Her eyes widened quickly, "Ah! I don't want to burden you Kira! Please don't mind what I said earlier!"
"But I have found something that I think will fit you, so you can't say no now," he laughed, looking at her being frantic with the fact that he would want to buy her something
"We will soon be a family, right? So please don't be so bothered with it," he smiled gently at her, feeling a need to rid her insecurity
"But families don't do it, do they?" she tucked a layer of pastel tresses behind her ear, "You must give something to someone who you treasure, not me," she shook her head softly, "I will pay for the glasses myself,"
However, he had already placed his chosen glasses in front of her eyes, and smiling, feeling satisfied, "It's my treat, because you allowed me to go with you. I have to thank you Lacus, and this is my gift of gratitude. Please accept it,"
Normally, he would not have done it. But under different circumstances, where he felt an urge to do just that, he would do it in impulse albeit his shy nature.
Before she could say anything anymore, he had went to the cashier and paid both glasses. She was still speechless, but saying nothing more.
In her heart, there was a tremendous feeling that arouse within her, a feeling that was so familiar warmly wrapped her into a cocoon. Unconsciously, a faint smile formed on her lips, a shape of gratitude to his kindness.
For unknown reasons, both of them wore the glasses that each other had picked, smiled at each other before became amused at how different they looked. But they still wore the glasses anyway, with a blush etched on his face, and with her trying to suppress a giggle.
Departed from the optic shop, he had invited her to go along with him to a café nearby. He had grown nervous as they were nearer to their destination. How would he say it to her, without hurting her feelings?
But he knew he had to do this, for his sake, for his sister and her fiance's sake, and for her own sake.
"What do you want to drink?"
"Ice sweet tea, please," she smiled at the waiter before the waiter also asked the same to Kira
"I order the same," he said shortly, feeling even more nervous than ever
One had to wonder at how a rich girl like Lacus only wanted to order something so simple. He had seen her compared mineral water to ice tea, but went with the latter instead.
It was the first time that only them who sat together face to face without someone else near them. It felt like a date instead, but of course, Lacus didn't think that far, even though people around them maybe did. Kira didn't want to think that way too, but he was sure if Tolle were here, he would think that this was a date.
"So Lacus," he started hesitantly
"There is something I want to ask to you since a very long time,"
"Please go ahead," she smiled at him, reassuring him to go on
He swallowed. Here we go. What was the result of this, he would think of it later
"Are you really happy that your brother is going to get married?"
Her shoulder squared and he knew that he had hit the jackpot. He swallowed harder. This was not going to be easy. Not even close.
She held her breath, "Yes, I'm really happy,"
He frowned, "So the issue is not true, is it?"
Her eyes widened as she looked at him in eye with fear, "You have heard?"
"Yes I have," he covered his forehead with his hand, feeling even more devastated than before
Her expression descended, "So finally the issue got into you too,"
"Please tell me that this issue is not true Lacus," he shook his head, "I can't believe it, that's why I come here to make sure that it's only a rumor. Please tell me it's not true Lacus," he pleaded desperately
Her lips trembled, "Kira, I'm sorry, I have always prevented so that you never heard about this issue, because—because—"
She collapsed into her seat, hands covered her face as her body shivered, "—I don't want to tell you that the issue is true,"
She, who had tried to prevent the news getting to him, feeling really crushed now that Kira had known her secret. She knew that Kira was a person who didn't like to gossip with each other, that's why he rarely knew what's going on. But now, knowing that he was here, investigating her with a matter that she wanted to forget forever, making her chest heaved profoundly. She had lost first friend, and a soon-be-a family, that she achieved in her second year.
He, was shocked beyond anything. Sure, he had tried to believe the issue so that if it was the truth, he would not feel so down, but it didn't work. Heard the words came out of her mouth really felt different than his own excuse about her. However he didn't understand, and he needed an explanation of her statement, because it didn't satisfy him. He needed a logical explanation behind this abnormal behavior, and thus, he continued his investigation.
"….Why?" it came out as a faint squeak
"I'm sorry Lacus, but, but, it's wrong," he shook his head slowly
"I know," she bit her lips tightly
"Athrun is my foster brother. We're not related by blood at all. I know it's not an excuse, but still," she bowed her head down
"I can't stop it from happening,"
Athrun was not her real brother? It then dawned on him at how these siblings didn't have any similarity beside their behavior and their tendency to be nobles. It also stunned him at how a torture it could be. Loving someone who was so close to you, yet at the same time you could not reach that person no matter what. His heart clenched painfully
His hand slowly reached hers on the table, and he stared at her intensely
"Please tell me everything Lacus. I'm here to listen anything. Just—just tell me,"
Her eyes were suddenly gleamed with a faint hope, as the cerulean eyes widened
"Is that really alright? I don't want to burden you,"
"I will listen, I will help you, I will do anything," he shook his head, "Just tell me Lacus,"
She could find that she could place a trust on him even though she had once been betrayed by someone who did the same to her a long time ago. After all, the entire school had known the issue by now, right? Even if Kira betrayed her, she didn't really have anything to lose and gain.
She took a deep breath, "Thank you Kira. You won't tell anyone, will you?"
He shook his head and she continued, "I was once engaged to Athrun when I was still young," she sighed, "When I was nine years old, my father was deceased in a mysterious accident and because I don't have any left living relative, I was adopted into Zala family," at this, she couldn't bear her tears anymore as her body trembled and her hands covered her face
"Our engagement was canceled because now I'm a part of Zala family. But I have liked him since we were still engaged, when I was still a very young girl," she sobbed, "It's impossible to wipe this feeling, being with him every day, and he's so kind and loving, it's just impossible," his grip on her hand tightened
"How can I move on? He loves me as his sister, but all I can see is that he loves me. I-I can't move on, it's just too painful—"
"—I will help you to move on," he smiled at her reassuringly, his seat was suddenly beside her
She never told this to anyone, because she was afraid that they would taunt at her. But after she told him her problems, she didn't know why, but she felt as though her burden had been lifted from her shoulder, and it was a nice feeling.
"How?" her cheeks were wet with tears, and his thumb slowly erased any trace of water as then he smiled lovingly at her
"I-I will protect you from being heartbroken," it's an offer that was terribly crazy. But if it's for his sister and her fiancee's happiness, maybe his sacrifice was nothing to be counted.
He was willing to sacrifice himself for other people's happiness
"I will make you forget your brother completely, so that you can move on," he eased her worry as he held her hand tighter with a bright promise
Her body finally racked into sobs as she held onto him instinctively, crying silently and Kira just held her head into his neck, felt that it was probably the better way than letting things went even more awful. After all, who would want to save her, when everyone had thrown her deeper into the mud, for the sake of moral value?
For her, a shining knight in the armor had finally come to save her from the brink of madness.
Saved her completely from this never ending active pain.