Chapter 5
Nick cracked an eye open, groaning at the throb in his head.
God, it felt like he had a hangover! Shit! The events of the previous afternoon rushed back to him. Copper getting spooked by a damn snake and throwing him. Hitting his head when he landed, being too dazed to stop the high strung animal.
Then Greg riding up on Missy, the two of them riding back to the house together, and...
At that moment, Greg shifted next to him, nuzzling into Nick's back.
Headache mostly forgotten , Nick scrambled from the bed, grabbing his clothes and hurriedly dressing.
"Nicky?" Greg's still sleep addled voice followed Nick from the room.
Stumbling down the stairs, Nick tried to bring his breathing under control, as he was very close to hyperventilating.
Sagging down on the bottom step, Nick buried his head in his hands, elbows on his knees. His breath escaped him in shuddering gasps.
"Nick?" Greg's voice brought Nick flying up from the step.
Whirling around, Nick backed away from Greg, who was slowly descending the stairs.
"That wasn't... I can't believe... I never should have..." Nick couldn't seem to string his thoughts together into complete sentences. The look in Greg's eyes told Nick the younger man seemed to understand perfectly, though. Then Nick finally found a few complete thoughts. "Last night was a mistake, Greg. It never should have happened. I think it's time for you to go," Nick surprised himself at the coldness of his voice, and he regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, but he didn't try to take them back.
Tears shimmered in Greg's eyes, as the finality of Nick's words settled in.
With a faint nod, Greg said, "Okay. I couldn't have stayed after that, anyway, because I just keep falling farther each day." As a single tear slid free, rolling down his cheek, Greg said, "I'll go pack my things."
When Nick heard the door to Greg's room close, he retreated back to his own room. But found he couldn't stand to be there. The evidence of their love making was still there, sheets in a tangled mess on the bed, the scent of their passion still heavy in the air.
He walked into the bathroom and through the adjoining door to another guest room. It had once been shared by two of his sisters.
Leaning against the wall next to the door, he slid down until he was sitting on the floor, knees drawn up. Resting his head on his knees, he tried not to think. Because if he started thinking, he'd do something stupid, like going to Greg and begging him to stay. Or possibly blurting that he loved Greg. And those scenarios could not be allowed to happen.
It had been drilled into him for so long by his family that men didn't love other men and women didn't love other women, at least not that way.
Nick heard Greg's door close, then a few moments later, the front door opened and closed.
Pushing himself back up, he went into the hall and to his parents' room.
Just standing in the doorway, he looked into the room, taking comfort from the familiar surroundings. His parents' room had been furnished and arranged the same way since he'd been a small boy.
His eyes fell to his father's night stand, and the journal that rested there, as if waiting for Judge Stokes to come in and take it up. Nick had never touched it. Being part of such a large family, and living in such a relatively small house, all of the Stokes children had been taught at an early age how to mind other people's privacy. Judge Stokes had always left his journal sitting on his night stand, never once having to worry that anyone would pry.
Nick felt drawn to it, now.
Walking around the bed, he tenderly picked up the journal. Turning it over in his hand, he studied it carefully. The black leather cover had no extravagant designs on it, just a simply engraved double S, like the brand Nick had burned into the hides of his cattle.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, he found himself unable to open the book, so he started at it for some time. He found himself almost afraid of what he might find between the supple leather covers of this book.
His father had never seemed the type to keep secrets, or a journal, but weren't journals for writing secrets in?
He just sat and stared at the book for at least an hour.
Finally, Nick carefully opened the book to the first page. The first entry was dated about a year before his parents' death.
Laughing about something his father had written, Nick felt compelled to read the last entry.
It was dated a few weeks before Nick's scheduled departure for Vegas, just days before the accident.
Pancho has told us he's transferring to Las Vegas. The crime lab there is one of the country's finest, and I know he'll do well for himself there.
I have decided I need to have a serious talk with him, as I don't want him to have the same regrets I have.
The kids have never known the truth about me. Meggy has never said anything, but I'm sure she knows. How could she not? A wife knows when her husband doesn't love her as he should. She knows I could never find true passion with her, though I did my best to make her happy. She deserves so much more than that.
I regret not allowing her to find happiness. She would deny not being happy. She would talk about the six healthy kids I gave her. Two strapping boys and four beautiful girls.
I regret not allowing myself to find happiness. I blame that on the way I was raised. I was raised that it was wrong to have these desires. I raised my kids that way, too. I just pray I haven't damaged Pancho.
When I talk to him, I'm going to tell him to follow his heart. Wherever it may lead. If his happiness is found with another man, then so be it. I don't want him to come to the golden years of his life with the same regrets that I harbor.
A wet spot appeared on his dad's neat script, followed closely by another, and Nick realized he was crying. He'd never imagined his father had harbored a secret as big as this!
His own father had been gay, and even regretted hiding that part of himself. Not only that, but he'd known about Nick, wanted Nick to be himself.
Could Greg have been right about them being Fated to be together? Nick wondered.
He was afraid he'd royally screwed up any chances he'd had with Greg, but he was willing to try.
Replacing his father's journal reverently on the night stand, Nick bolted out of the room.
He took the stairs two at a time, and ran full tilt to the stable.
Slipping the halter over Copper's head, Nick cleaned the horse's hooves and brushed him down in record time. Not bothering with a saddle or bridle, Nick vaulted onto the horse's back, spun him with the lead rope, and urged him into a gallop.
It had been a little over an hour since Greg had left, so he should still be on the dirt packed drive.
Knowing there were numerous pot holes in the drive way, Nick used his knees to slow Copper to a trot, and allowed the horse more control over direction, so he could avoid the holes on his own.
It took about twenty minutes before Nick spotted Greg ahead of him.
The sound of Nick's voice calling Greg's name brought the younger man to a halt. Greg didn't turn at first, and Nick could see him reach up to wipe his eyes.
Bringing Copper to a stop a few feet behind Greg, Nick slid off the horse and dropped the lead rope.
As Greg slowly turned to face Nick, the sight of his tear stained face and rough, "What!" nearly crushed Nick.
Taking a careful step forward, hands held in front of him as if Greg were a spooked horse, Nick said, "Greg, G, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me! I was an idiot, a stupid, fucked up, idiot! There was nothing wrong with last night! It was perfect! I loved it - I love you!" He had continued to slowly advance on Greg as he spoke, so by the time he said, "I love you," he was close enough to touch the younger man. And touch him he did. Taking Greg's face gently in his hands, Nick looked into Greg's eyes before leaning in to tenderly kiss him.
Pulling back a moment later, Greg breathed, "You didn't hit your head again, did you?" There was a wary look in his eyes.
Resting his forehead against Greg's, Nick smiled, "No, but I think I got slapped upside the head by Fate."
An eyebrow raised curiously, Greg laughed, "What the hell are you talking about?"
"I read my dad's journal. The last entry was a few days before he died. He was going to talk to me, before I left for Vegas. My dad was gay, Greg. And he knew I was gay. He wanted to tell me to be happy. I only ever resisted because I thought my dad would be disappointed in me. He just wants me to be happy," Nick finally trailed off.
Greg put a hand on Nick's cheek, "Are you sure this is what you want? I couldn't stand it if you changed your mind again."
"We belong together. I know that now. Come on, let's go home!"
Nick pulled Greg over to Copper, vaulted onto the horse's back and helped Greg vault up behind him.
Scooting up as close to Nick as he could get, Greg wiggled a little, so Nick could feel the bulge forming in Greg's jeans. "This is much better than the other day."
Nick grabbed one of Greg's hands and pulled it down to his own bulge. "Yes, it is! Hang on, G. Copper can handle the both of us at a canter," Nick smiled over his shoulder, urging the horse on.
"Is today delivery day, Nick?" Greg asked when the sound of an engine reached their ears.
Groaning, Nick sighed, "Yeah, it is."
Nuzzling into Nick's neck, Greg nipped, then began to gently suck at a patch of skin below Nick's ear.
"What the... Greg!"
"Just want to make sure she knows you're mine!" Greg growled playfully into Nick's ear.
Millie's truck drove up behind them, then past, nearly running off the dirt track, as Millie turned to watch Greg's hands wander over Nick's chest.
Nick waved, a bemused expression on his face. "Good thing she already knows about me," he chuckled.
Back at the house, Millie was walking back to the truck for another load to take in as Copper cantered up.
Greg slid off the horse's bare back, followed closely by Nick.
"Hey, Millie!" Nick said, as he took Greg's hand and pulled him toward the door. "Need you to add a couple items to the list of usuals."
"Yeah? What's that?" a glum look had spread over her face at the closeness of the two men.
"Condoms and lube!"
A wide smile spread across Nick's face as he watched both Millie and Greg turn bright red.