CSI: Sanctuary: Chapter 9

Lover's quarrel. At work. Of all damn places. It was bound to happen. They did work together, after all. He knew it was a bad idea to sleep with a coworker. He'd thought about quitting and finding work somewhere else. For sure there were pharmaceutical companies needing chemists in the area. But he'd already given up so much for Nick and he finally had the opportunity to work in the field.

Greg sighed, throwing the spatula into the sink. Smoke, rising from the burned eggs on the stove, filled the air, but the detector was silent, nicely damaged on the floor. He sank into a chair, covering his face with his hands. He'd told himself, so long ago already, that he could do this. He could care for Nick and let him go when he needed to. He'd done a good job of it so far. Some dumb hero complex or something. And he'd thought only Nick had one of those. It wasn't as easy any more. At one point in his life Warrick would have been correct about that crush. Now, though, things were different. He was in over his head and way beyond having a simple crush.

Nick was right to be upset about being in the closet. He stuffed Greg in the closet every time they went to work, every time he left the apartment, every time they weren't together. He asked himself if he was really happy just because he could make Nick happy a few times a week. The answer was elusive, but he doubted it was an all-encompassing, positive yes.

He'd given Nick everything, and the CSI had turned him down. Could he really keep giving him up every damn day for the rest of his life? That's what it would mean if he stayed with Nick. They would both be in the closet, and Nick would go back to his wife every day. Could he do that without going crazy?

Nick had made up his mind. Now it was Greg's turn to make his own decision. Relationships were a two-way street and if Nick wasn't willing to give up anything on his side... he would just have to show Nick what it felt like to be rejected by someone who cared.

Banging on his apartment door brought him back to his smokey kitchen. "Greg! Open up!" Nick sounded worried out in the hall.

He got up and slowly walked out to the door. Why was he bothering? Did he even want to talk to the man? Unsure, he opened the door just as Nick began to pound even harder.

"Sure, alert the neighbors that you're the one I've been sleeping with. Maybe one of them knows Kristy. What the fuck are you doing here?" Greg asked in greeting.

"Oh thank God!" Nick pulled him into a warm, tight hug.

"What the hell?" Greg pushed him away and backed into his apartment, not wanting to draw attention to themselves in the hallway.

"I thought... I smelled the smoke... and..." Nick stumbled over his words, following Greg inside. "What happened in here?"

"Burned the eggs. Want some?"

Nick's hands turned into fists at his sides, though he didn't look angry enough to be violent. "I want to apologize."

"Why bother?"

"What I said was wrong. I said a lot of wrong things, and I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to piss you off. That's the last thing I want. I swear."

This wasn't easy on Nick either. If Greg had a hard time staying in control of his feelings, he had to remember Nick had the harder job, just because he was married and couldn't be himself at work or at home. He forced himself to take several deep breaths to calm down. It wouldn't do either of them any good if they were both angry and not thinking logically.

"Have you ever been with a guy before?" Greg asked.

"What? Greg, what does that have to do with anything?"

"Have. You. Been. With. A. Guy. Before?"

Nick sighed, lowering his eyes to stare at the floor. "Yes," he mumbled.

Damn hero complex. It wasn't his job to save Nick's soul or anything, yet he would still do anything for him, even if they couldn't be together. Greg reached out and took his hand, surprising him, and lead him over to the couch. "Tell me about it," he coaxed quietly.

"It was in college. He was some random guy I had class with. Math, I think. I saw him a few times. But we had to be careful cause I was on the baseball team, you know?" Nick's eyes flickered up to Greg's and he nodded for him to continue. "That's it."

"That's it?"

"It didn't work out, me being on the team, and he just wasn't my type. He wanted to lead and I wouldn't follow. I was still trying to like girls too."

"Ok. So tell me what happened with Kristy. That was years later. You had to have known by that point that you didn't like women. Right?"

"I did. But she begged and pleaded to have just one night together. She wanted to thank me for everything I'd done for her. I told her no at first. But the more she asked, the more I kept thinking what if she's the one? What if she can help me stay straight? It only took that one night for her to get pregnant. She didn't want kids. She swore uphill and down. But, what else was there to do but what we did? She didn't believe in abortions, and I couldn't stand the thought of my child going through life without me. What are you getting at, G? I don't want to talk about this."

"I know you don't. But look at the situation we're in. We have to. You don't want to be stuck in the closet any more than I do. Remember, I know what it's like just as much as you do. Only I don't have a beautiful daughter to go home to."

"Greg..." Nick sounded weary.

"I care about you. And just like I told you before, that's not going to change any time soon."

When Nick tried to interrupt, Greg held up his hand so he could continue. "I can't force you to make tough decisions about Cara's parentage. I can't ask you to reconsider your decision for my sake. But I can ask you to reconsider for Cara and for yourself. Kristy didn't want children before she got pregnant. If she's changed her thoughts since having Cara, that's great. But if she hasn't... is that really good for your daughter? I care about her too, you know, just as much as I care about you. I want her to have the best life possible.

"I'll try to support you, no matter what you decide, but I can't promise..." How could he say this out loud without breaking Nick's heart? Without breaking his own? Fucking hero complex. That's what it was. It had to be. "I can't... if you really think Cara needs her mother in her life full-time... I'm not sure I can.... I'm not sure I can be a part of that." There. He'd said it.

Nick was silent for awhile, the wheels turning slowly in his brain. While he spent time mulling over what had been said, Greg went back into the kitchen, opened both windows to help further dissipate the smoke, threw out the burnt eggs, and got a pot of coffee started. When he returned to the livingroom, Nick was just as he'd left him, still deep in thought. He sat down next to him again.

"I'm not looking to sway you, but can I just say a few more things?"

Nick blinked and nodded his consent.

"You know she wouldn't be the only little girl out there with two fathers. I would like to have that opportunity. I'd like to think that you're right, that I would make a good father. But right now I'm feeling like this might just be my only chance. I don't want to butt into your relationship with Kristy, but from my experience, she won't be happy no matter what you pick." Greg paused to take in a breath and tell himself he wasn't trying to lecture Nick to death. "Look around you."

The other man dutifully did as he was told.

"This has become your second home. Every time you come you keep leaving things here, like you're trying to make a point or stake a claim. Think about these things. Alright? Take your time. There's a pot of coffee brewing. I'm not expecting an answer tonight. Or tomorrow. Or even next week. But right now, I'm going to bed because I'm still a little pissed off, and exhausted. Unless you need me?"

Nick shook his head. "I don't want to be a bother... I'll just go."

"I told you there was coffee brewing. I didn't kick you out. Come to bed when you're ready." Greg turned away and then paused mid-step. "Actually, there is one more piece of advice I need to give you." He came back to the couch, and lifted Nick's chin with one finger so he could see into the other man's eyes. He leaned close and pressed a kiss to his forehead then his lips, and whispered, "Follow your heart."

Greg's eyes fluttered open at the sensation of something warm and wet on his face. He realized his bed was warm and cozy. It hadn't been when he'd first gotten in. Nick's body was wrapped comfortingly around his and he was kissing him.

"I didn't mean to wake you," Nick whispered.

"Sure you didn't."

Had he made a decision already? Or was he just feeling needy and lonely? Nick pressed a kiss to his open mouth, running his tongue over Greg's lips. It didn't matter. Hands moved over him, underneath his t-shirt, skin on skin. Nothing mattered. Nick's touch had a power over him he couldn't deny.

Nick stopped, his body hovering over Greg's, their mouths barely an inch apart before he dropped his head to Greg's shoulder, the rest of his body following suit. Without even thinking, Greg took his weight and wrapped his arms around him.

"I never did officially make the decision to stay with Kristy. I never meant for you to think that. I'm sorry. I just don't know how to go about anything right now."

"I told you to take your time."

"I know, and you've been so supportive, I just want you to know how grateful I am, that I really am listening to every word you tell me. I don't want to be stupid here, but..." Nick's voice dropped to a whisper, "Can we keep going as if we didn't have this argument? I just don't want it to change anything between us right now."

"If you want to fuck me, then fuck me already. You know I'll give you anything you want."

Fucking hero complex again. Only this time he'd said it out loud. But what else was there to say when the hot, hunky, man of his dreams was pressing himself, all of himself, into Greg's body.

Nick raised his head and looked at Greg in surprise. "But we've never..." he trailed off, eyes wandering over Greg's face, making sure he was certain of his words.

"Do it." Giving the order felt so... so good... Hot? Sexy? Yeah. Down right delicious. He was already hard and ready when Nick ground their hips together. A low moan came out, though he wasn't sure who's it was.

"You sure?" Nick asked, gasping for breath.

"Yes!" He worked his hands between them, pushing his pajama bottoms down, kicking them off. Yup. Stiff as a nail, bumping into Nick's abdomen. The slight movement of fabric against the tip of his cock had him trying desperately to hold in a wild moan between clenched teeth. He almost failed. A warm hand gripped his member and began stroking it in a rhythm almost too fast for Greg to handle. "Oh God!"

He looked at Nick, half hovering over him, just as the older man ducked his head, but not before Greg saw him close his eyes. Everything happened so fast. One moment he was wondering about Nick's odd reaction, and the next, he was coming all over his hand. It took him several minutes to catch his breath. "Damn... that was... damn."

Nick grabbed several tissues from the bedside table and wiped off his hand before flopping onto his back and staring up at the ceiling.

"I thought you were going to fuck me. What happened to that plan?"

Nick didn't answer. Greg rested on one elbow so he could see Nick's ashen face.

"Hey, are you ok? What happened?"

"I can't. I'm sorry, but I just can't."

The look on his face said it all. It wasn't that he'd never done it before. It wasn't that he was worried they weren't clean. It wasn't that Greg was the one person, guy or girl, he'd dated the longest. It was the fact that Kristy was waiting for him at home with their daughter. The fact that the last time he'd penetrated another person he'd gotten her pregnant. And he knew he had a tough decision to make.

Greg lay back down on his side and curled up into Nick, resting his head on his shoulder, and draped his right arm across his chest. "It's ok," he whispered. "I'm not in any rush."

But while he did his best to comfort Nick and pretend everything was ok, a silent tear ran down his cheek, followed quickly by a second and a third.

It was clear something had happened at home. Nick had been a blank slate all through work, so much so, that other people had started to notice.

"Who peed in your Cheerios?" Warrick asked at the end of the night when the three of them were in the locker room getting ready to go home.

"No one," Nick said, voice nearly flat. "I just didn't sleep well yesterday."

"Well, get some good sleep today, alright? I like you awake versus asleep."

"Right."

Warrick left with a friendly punch to Nick's arm.

As Nick turned to Greg, the worried clouds covering his brown eyes became evident for the first time that night. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, Greg assured him he hadn't gotten rid of his extensive DVD collection since Nick's last visit, or his video game collection, for that matter. Nick gave a slight smile and might have even laughed a little if his cell phone hadn't stolen the moment two seconds later.

Throwing a fresh t-shirt over his head, Greg watched him answer it. His face fell and those worried clouds refilled his eyes. Wanting to take him in his arms and hold him, letting him know he was there and that everything would be ok, Greg did his best to refrain from the obvious while they were still at work.

Nick hung up. "I have to go. Cara's sick, probably got what Kristy had, and daycare wants me to pick her up."

"Kristy?"

"At work. Supposedly she kinda forced her on them, wouldn't take no for an answer, and then left."

"Then what are you so scared about? You get a whole day alone with your daughter."

"I know. I just... I needed..." Nick sighed. "We had a particularly nasty fight just before I left for work. You know, most times we just don't talk to each other. But this time... she had to be in one of her moods. She started screaming at me in front of Cara. I tried to reason with her, but there didn't seem to be anything I could do to calm her down except come to work."

While Nick stared at the floor, Greg did a quick sweep of the hallway. Finding it empty, he knelt in front of Nick and slid their hands together, letting their eyes find each other.

"It will be ok. You will be ok. I promise. But if you need me later, you can always call me. You know I'm there whenever you need me. Alright?"

While he did his best to boost Nick's enthusiasm, he watched him visibly relax. Nick nodded.

"Now, go play Daddy and love that little girl."

Nick got up and moved to the door before he stopped and turned. "Thanks, G."

When he was alone, Greg found himself covering his face with his hands. He had just proven to himself that he could still let Nick go when he needed to. But all the same, he knew he couldn't do it forever. At some point he had to face reality. He'd said he would always be there for Nick, and he wanted to be, but the question was: Could he realistically be there for a man who was tied down to a family? Could he keep sharing him with Kristy? He was sure his old therapist would tell him it was unhealthy. And maybe it was. But how did one leave a relationship like that if one didn't want to? And if he did leave, what would that do to Nick?

"Greg?"

Greg looked up to see Bobby Dawson standing in the doorway.

"You ok, man?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Greg lied.

"No you're not." Bobby stepped into the room and sat down beside him. "I know what you're going through."

"You couldn't possibly."

"Yes, I do. You've been doing a good job taking care of Nick for awhile now."

Greg's body jerked in surprise. "How did you know?" If Bobby knew...

"I've seen you two when you thought no one was watching. You're subtle. But obvious to someone who's been in your shoes."

His mind went blank. How could...? "Oh God... Oh... shit. I can't talk about this here. I can't..." His late lunch began to swirl in his stomach.

"No one else is here, Greg. Just you, me, and the cleaning crew. All of night shift left and day shift hasn't come in yet."

Greg put his head back in his hands, sighing a shaky breath, trying to calm his stomach.

"You haven't talked to anyone about this, have you?" It wasn't a question.

Greg shook his head. "You can't go through this alone, without someone to talk to. It's too emotionally draining."

"What personal experience could you possibly have that you would know this?"

"I used to have a wife and two beautiful children. Now I have a husband with two beautiful children."

"You... you do?" He lifted his head to see Bobby give a solemn nod.

"I do. I sought help from a therapist to give me some direction. I didn't know what to do, what was best for my children, for my heart, for my boyfriend."

"Nobody can know about this. Please, promise me you won't tell a soul. Nick'll kill me if he finds out."

"No one else knows. I won't tell anyone. And you, of all people, should know Nick wouldn't kill you over this. He depends on you."

Greg nodded. Yeah, he knew it. Nick was a sweetheart. A big, tough, sweetheart. The most loving guy he'd ever met and had the chance to date, if what they were doing could be considered dating.

Stomach still swirling, he began to spill the truth, "It's just that... well... he's still not ok with this. He does a good job hiding it. But I can tell. I sometimes doubt he ever will be entirely ok with it."

"I won't say it's easy, cause it's not. You already know that. But there's a chance it can get better. You just have to hold on and don't give up. But don't lock your feelings away. That will only make things worse."

"I told him he had to make the decision, either Kristy or me, that I couldn't help him either way, but that I would support his decision, whichever way he went. I... um, also told him if he chose her that I couldn't stay."

"Sounds like you've already been to therapy. That's probably the best thing you could have told him."

"I could have opened my own practice without going to school for it if I wanted to, that's how much therapy I've had."

"But even therapists sometimes need someone to talk to."

"I don't like the idea of talking about Nick and his problems, our problems, to someone who doesn't know either of us, without him there."

"Look, I don't charge anything, I know you both, I've been where you've been, and I would never tell a single person. If you ever feel the need to talk to anyone, my door's always open. Alright?"

Oddly enough, his stomach began to calm itself. His lunch settled and he began to breathe easier.

"Yeah. Thanks. I actually do feel a little bit better, for the time being, anyway." It actually felt nice to know he didn't have to deal with this all on his own.

"Good." Bobby got up to leave.

"Hey, Bobby?"

"What?"

"I just... I don't want you to think that I... That I'm trying to steal him away from his family or anything. I'm not. Things just aren't going well for him at home. He loves his daughter to pieces, but other than that... I mean... He does spend as much time with her as he can. I would never take that away from either of them. But sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who truly cares about him."

"Jack didn't steal me away from Mary. He simply helped me to understand my feelings and why I had a hard time sleeping with her, doing even the simplest things, like cooking dinner together, or eating at the same table. I liked her, sure, but it always felt weird. It didn't feel right. I knew I wasn't with the right person, I just didn't understand why. Now, ten years later, I'm the happiest I've ever been. And I think my kids are better for it."