Chapter 67: Returning Pain

Benedict finished editing the Tanko piece as he watched Aikawa read it. His heart, body and soul burned and froze with every word… He could clearly see his daughter…in that hospital bed…dying. Benedict cried almost every time reading the tender words and begging for a justifiable death…a teenager, Benedict would tell himself, said this… He could not allow Haruhiko or anyone to see him like that; he fixed the piece and gave Akihiko the minor changes… Akihiko agreed and asked to get the book published soon. Benedict sat before his superior as Aikawa started to sob.

It's impossible not to cry when reading this piece…I sobbed every time I read it. Tanko Taka…god, you made me remember Maddie. Would she write this if she lived to be a teenager? No…she was scared. Tanko…was brave, beautiful and…more than cancer could hold him. Maddie was swallowed whole… Tanko thrived and died like a man… Benedict allowed some tears to fall as he watched Aikawa set down the book.

Aikawa said shakily, "wow…this is not Usami-san's usual work…it has deep soul. Also…who is this Tanko Taka?"

Benedict said clearly, "a brave soul…that died too quickly from this world…"

Aikawa said, "So…this is an autobiography of this teen?" She wiped her tears and stood. Aikawa said, "I will bring this to Isaka. This needs to be published!" She ran off as Benedict sat there and imagined Haruhiko…

Haruhiko and he… Their sex was lessening as they cuddled and looked at each other. Their lips would touch as Benedict found himself adoring every moment. But the stress of being a mafia member…also working on this book…and trying to be a lover to Haruhiko…was tiresome. Benedict did not know what do except cry at night when he was alone. He was afraid…deeply afraid of losing Haruhiko and losing himself…for once, he wanted to disappear. And yet…he wanted to hold Haruhiko close and never let him go…

A few editors passed as one woman said, "Well, did you hear about the newest Usami-san's book? It's an autobiography about a cancer-stricken teen. It must be interesting if the presses have been told a preview already."

A man snorted and said, "Isn't there enough books on cancer patients? Also…why is Usami-san writing this? This must be another fairy tale to smother his name over."

Benedict clenched his fists over his knees as he shivered. He slowly turned when the group of editors stopped a few feet away.

Another man said, "This book must be a cheap knock-off. Why does Usami-san care? The book is useless to—"

Benedict stood and yelled, "FUCKERS!" He spun to them and continued, "how could you…say those things? Do you even know what it's like…to lose a child? Do you know what it's like to pray for their life…and they die? Tanko was not a knock-off cancer patient! He was so much more than any of you assholes!"

Everyone in the room stared at Benedict. The group said nothing until the first man said, "You realize that Usami-san's works are purely fictional. This book does not make him any better! He does not need this book to become any more popular…he does that on his own. Or maybe the kid hired Usami to get the book published with his pretty little—"

"SHUT UP!" Benedict charged and slammed his fists into the man's face. He panted hard as he sobbed, "this is not…a glory hogging book! This is NOT anything you said! If it was…Usami would changed the book to his standards than keeping the original words…you can suffer with that wound! You need to realize that some people suffered deeply from cancer! Some people I knew and loved…died! You need to learn to shut up and feel for others some time!"

Benedict ran off as everyone watched him enter a staff room. He locked the door and sobbed and howled deeply. Benedict fell to the ground as he curled into a ball. He shivered and felt all those feelings come back…losing Maddie…losing his girlfriend and his other children…losing every reason to want to wake up in the morning…except for the Hunassha…the mafia gave him a reason to breathe.

He sobbed openly as he heard knocking at the door. Benedict yelled, "GO THE FUCK AWAY! I…do not want to apologize or want to hear it!"

"Let me see you…" Haruhiko said through the door.

Benedict warmed…his heart swelled as he raced to the door and threw the chair away. He opened the door and jumped into Haruhiko's arms. Benedict heard Haruhiko gasp and stiffen…slowly, Haruhiko wrapped his arms around Benedict. They held each other as Benedict sobbed into Haruhiko's shoulder. Haruhiko held him close and cooed gentle words… Benedict just held onto him and whimpered into Haruhiko's arms.

Aikawa said, "Usami-san…can you take Benedict away for the day? Isaka-sama…told me about why Benedict sent the summary early and wants to publish this book quickly. Please…"

Benedict removed Haruhiko from him and said, "I will leave for the day…without him." He ran to the elevator as he pressed the ground button.

Haruhiko quickly came to him and said, "Tell me what is wrong."

Benedict snarled, "You would never understand…"

Haruhiko grabbed Benedict's hand and said, "Teach me then."

Benedict turned to him and yelled, "what are we? We are…nothing! You just use me and tell me little… We cannot live like this. Let me go." He shoved Haruhiko away as he ran to the stairs. Benedict ran down as Haruhiko chased after him.

Haruhiko yelled, "I love you! I want to be with you! What is wrong with that?"

Benedict stalled as Haruhiko caught up with him. He stiffened as he felt Haruhiko's arms around him.

Haruhiko said, "I love you…so much…I do not care what my father thinks. I even disobeyed him a few times to go on dates and to look at you… Benedict…please. I know we tried to break up a few times already…but please know this. If you leave me, I will keep chasing you. I need you in my life…I love you. I never felt his madly in love with anyone…you…are my special one."

Benedict turned and said, "Haruhiko…I am not who think I am…"

Haruhiko said, "teach me everything about you…I want to know everything about you…" His hands framed Benedict's face as he left small kisses on Benedict's face.

Benedict's tears kept flowing as he said, "I…love you too. I want to trust and let you know everything about me…but…can I release my caged heart? For so long…I have been broken. I am a broken doll within this body…do not think that my dressing or attitude makes me act like a teenager. I have been broken before I dressed like this…for so long…I…have been hurt."

Haruhiko said, "tell me everything…I will listen."

Benedict looked into his eyes and said, "Haruhiko…I'm scared to show you who I really am. I…lost so many people in my life… I cannot bear to lose you!" He sobbed as Haruhiko held him close. Benedict held tightly to him and whimpered, "I love you…it hurts…it hurts to think that…even with the little time we have been together. I love you more deeply than anyone else I ever dated or had sex with…"

Haruhiko slightly shivered at that confession, but he said, "I never loved anyone…like this. You make me…feel so rebellious and new…I do not want to lose that feeling."

They enjoined their bodies into an embrace as Benedict hid his face into Haruhiko's neck. Haruhiko cuddled close as he said, "Benedict…want to go to your place or mine?"

Benedict said, "Mine…"

Haruhiko took Benedict's hand, and they went into a floor to take the elevator.

Benedict could feel Haruhiko's rapid beating heart in their enjoined hands. He gulped as he breathed with his mouth open. His heart was racing…his hands started to sweat…as he turned to Haruhiko and those wonderful brown eyes.

Haruhiko smiled… Benedict just melted and said, "Damn…you are hot." He snickered as he touched Benedict's face and said, "You are beautiful."

Benedict blushed and said, "Jeez…embarrassing much?"

Haruhiko chuckled lightly and said, "Common, let's go." He lead Benedict out of the building and into a taxi…the drive was a blur as Benedict just felt Haruhiko's hand in his and led him to his apartment. He turned to Benedict as Benedict gave him the keys. Haruhiko skillfully opened the door with one hand as he led Benedict in and to the couch. His hand slipped away as Benedict sat down and Haruhiko remained standing.

Benedict sighed and said, "Haru…we do need to talk. A lot more than we have…can we? Right now?"

Haruhiko smiled… Benedict gulped and blush a darker crimson. He blinked and slowly said, "do I really affect you that much? You are almost purple…"

Benedict moaned, "Yes you do! You just…" He looked away and said, "You really…are amazing. Every little move you make…makes me feel…happy."

Haruhiko said, "Do you want some tea?"

Benedict nodded as Haruhiko went to the kitchen. He gulped and said, "I cannot bear it! Can I start while you make the tea?"

Haruhiko said, "Sure, I am listening."

Benedict stared at the wall away from Haruhiko's eyes. He said, "I was crying…about a book I am help editing with your brother. It's an autobiography…about a teenager with cancer and dying…"

Haruhiko said nothing as he shifted items in cupboards for the tea bags and cups. He quickly found the tea kettle and filled it with water.

Benedict continued, "I edited that book with tears rolling down my face every time because…" Tears came again…imagining Maddie and all those feelings…just came back to the surface. He whimpered, "I lost a daughter to cancer."

SMASH as a cup broke, and Benedict spun to see Haruhiko staring towards Benedict with huge eyes. Benedict sighed and said, "I am a lot more complicated than I look…I had several kids. Me and my girlfriend…"

Haruhiko motioned for Benedict to continue as Benedict turned away. He cleaned up the broken cup mess.

Benedict said, "I…love kids. So much that I would foster a few kids some times. I had three of my own as my girlfriend, Mary, had two. We dated and allowed our kids to play together. We stayed with each other so much…the kids asked us if we were dating. Naturally, we did. Mary was…a huge part of me. I did love her…and told her many times that I did…"

Haruhiko kept silent…Benedict was not surprised. This was huge…even for Benedict to admit to another person than Tilly. Benedict continued, "Maddie was our daughter; Mary and I lawfully adopted her. She was so happy and pure…but when she turned four…she started screaming about a headache…" Benedict leaned forward and sobbed, "I sent her to the hospital and found out…she had a brain tumor…"

Benedict could still see her…in her little yellow polka dotted dress as she held her little head. Her little hands in her light red hair as her face were contorted with pain and confusion. Maddie's eyes were the deepest blue…as she stared at Benedict when the doctor said, "Brain tumor…" Benedict instantly sobbed as he held his baby girl…

He gulped and continued, "We found out because she was healthy by the check-up…but a cancer doctor was there testing patients… The doctor took my daughter's blood and took it to this specialist…that is how I found out…my baby girl only had only a few weeks to live…"

Haruhiko was still very silent as Benedict continued, "we kept Maddie at the hospital as she crumbled…her body did not respond well to chemo…she died asking me about the pain… My girlfriend and my kids left me…as I crumbled alone with the fact my daughter died…"

Benedict sobbed openly as Haruhiko came to Benedict and held him close. He moaned and gripped onto Haruhiko. Benedict sobbed, "I…don't hate my family or Mary…I was so hurt and alone…that is why…I asked my friends for a new replacement…that is why I came to Japan…"

Haruhiko stiffened and said, "You…recently…lost Maddie?"

Benedict howled in pain and said in a thick voice, "just a few weeks before I started at Marukawa…"

The only noise in the room was Benedict's sobs as Haruhiko held Benedict tightly. Haruhiko rubbed Benedict's back and said nothing… Benedict hid his face into Haruhiko's shirt as he just felt the same pain…people could never understand cancer or death until it happened to them. He hated that group of people…but he felt some relief as he felt Haruhiko's lips gently kiss his face.

Haruhiko looked into Benedict's face as he said, "I am so sorry…"

Benedict whined and said, "Please…please…just don't leave me like this. I need you…"

Haruhiko gently rubbed his lips over Benedict's as he said, "I will stay here… I will always be here for you, my love."

Benedict sniffed as he touched his lips over Haruhiko's. He said, "There is so much more…"

Haruhiko looked at the whistling tea kettle as he said, "continue, I am listening." He went to get the tea kettle as he poured the water into the cups.

Benedict sniffed and said, "I…dress like this for fun. Not because of a troubled past; I had a small issue in my past… I was raised in seven different foster families."

Haruhiko held his breath… Benedict sighed as he wiped his tears and continued, "I was about ten or so when my parents go busy with their work… I started trying to cook for myself. Well…I got sick. So sick, I missed two weeks of school and my teachers found me. I was forced into foster care as my parents did little to stop it."

Benedict continued as Haruhiko came over with the tea, "I…never pushed the limits with my foster families; it is not why I went to different foster families. My social worker was the problem…he put me into places that had openings with 'limited' places. After a while, I got into my last two foster families. One was here in Japan, which is why I can speak perfect Japanese. Youtro-sama was a very gentle man…old, but he fathered many foster children into wonderful adults and grandfathered many of his foster children's new generations." He looked at Haruhiko as Haruhiko sat beside him. Benedict continued, "The grave I went to when you saw me at the graveyard…it was Youto-sama's. He died…three months after I left back to America and met my final foster family… Youtro-sama died from cancer as well."

Haruhiko set the cups down as he held Benedict's hand again. His fingers rubbed gently over Benedict's as Benedict squeezed Haruhiko's hand. They breathed deeply as they turned to each other. Benedict sighed and let the tears fall again. Haruhiko gently wiped the tears away.

Benedict continued, "Youtro-sama…always saw the best in me. He knew every time I was upset or hurt… He made me feel like I was loved… When he died, I skipped school and went to his funeral. The people…it was amazing. Hundreds of people, young and old, were standing in the pouring rain as they sung his lullaby aloud… It was so beautiful… Youtro-sama always told everyone the day he died…he wanted to hear everyone singing even if they felt that person could not sing. Everyone was in perfect harmony…as we sang our beloved father into his grave…"

Haruhiko gulped as some tears slipped down his face. He breathed deeply and nodded to keep Benedict to keep going.

Benedict sighed and gently removed Haruhiko's tears. He said, "Youtro-sama's lullaby was so strange in the fact…everyone could see his point of view at the moment we left his home…"

Haruhiko said, "Can you sing it…for me?"

Benedict snickered and said, "Yes…but it is not my best due to my sobbing…please do not laugh."

Haruhiko smiled and said, "I would never do that."

Benedict blushed through his tears. He smirked and said, "To all my children…Guide You Home by Youtro-sama." Benedict took a few deep breaths as he sang:

"My children, can you see the future?

You beg for a family and powers beyond your control,

You already have them.

Believe in yourself and your soul.

I will guide you home.

I will guide you to a home filled with love,

Since you all have a huge heart,

I will give you this piece of advice,

Love will always come to those who believe in fate…

I will guide you home…

My children, can you see the future?

You beg for a family and powers beyond your control,

You already have them.

Believe in yourself and your soul.

I will guide you home.

Dare to believe in hope…

Since all of you have been hurt deeper than anyone.

I have seen your tears and held you through it all.

But I will guide you home…

My children, can you see the future?

You beg for a family and powers beyond your control,

You already have them.

Believe in yourself and your soul.

I will guide you home.

For our time might be short, I will always remain.

I love you all like my own children,

For your lives were given new flight.

My love will guide you to new, bright futures…

My lessons, my faith and my love will guide you to your own homes…

My children, can you see the future?

You beg for a family and powers beyond your control,

You already have them.

Believe in yourself and your soul.

I will guide you home.

As adults, remember me…

I will always leave the light on for my children.

Come home if you need an ear.

Come to me for a hug.

Come…and I will guide you back once again.

Since now, you know what it is like to walk away…

And come back home to love and faith…

Welcome to the future, children.

You are adults now…

But do not fear.

There will be time to laugh, cry and pray…

When that time comes…

I will guide you home…"

Benedict finished with a smirk as he finished, "I…always wanted to have a background song to that. I wonder if that Allens-san kid would do it…"

Haruhiko held Benedict close and said, "He would…if his older brother asked him to…"

Benedict stiffened and sighed, "duh, Akihiko is your brother…also Mio. Man, I am slow…"

Haruhiko giggled lightly as he looked into Benedict's eyes. He said, "There is so much I do not know about you…but…I realize that even through your pain…" His hand rubbed Benedict's tears away and finished, "you grew into this. This amazing, beautiful and addicting man that I adore so deeply…"

Benedict smiled and said, "Now you…" He sighed when Haruhiko came to press his mouth over Benedict's.

Haruhiko whispered into Benedict's ear, "not today…let's just relax and enjoy the moments we have…" He stood and took Benedict's hand to pull him close.

Benedict held Haruhiko closer as he said, "Haruhiko…I love you."

Haruhiko rubbed Benedict gently and said, "I love you too…let me comfort you. You have been crying so much without me holding you. Let me calm your troubled soul…"

Benedict gulped and moaned as Haruhiko led him to his bedroom. He fell back onto the blankets as he watched Haruhiko remove all his clothing… His face lit red as Haruhiko smirked and removed Benedict's clothing.

Haruhiko said, "I think it is about time…I penetrate you. What do you say?"

Benedict opened up for his lover as Haruhiko quickly embraced Benedict. They moaned and twisted into each other. Haruhiko lifted Benedict's legs as Benedict moaned and gripped Haruhiko's shoulders. They drove into each other as their hearts raced as one…

To be continued…

Author's notes: I am not ending Junjou Realistic Aphrodisiacs here, but I am cutting the story into sections. The story is nowhere near done…so I feel splitting this huge story into a few sections might help both me and readers. The next section of JRA will be more exciting with weddings, sex, pregnancies and so much more drama.

As for the amount of story left…I am not sure. Unlike Uke Trade Off, there was a time limit for the game and other little details to end the story like that… This story is my epitome of Boys' Love fanfiction and crossovers with some of my personal characters interjecting into the crossover's worlds. I truly want to keep writing this story to show many sides of my imagination and how everything I place in this story will end… Like I stated before, there is one more story in this series called Junjou Unknown. This story will not begin until JRA is completed.

I would like to thank the authors of all the manga I crossover in this story. Also, I would like to thanks the fans and comments that I have received. Thank you so much, and I hope to see the same amount of attention for the rest of the story. Until then, Sweetcat86 will return soon with more JRA chapters. Have a lovely day.