Chapter Twenty
Death
I walk around the Castle, a shell of my former self. The prophecy is weighing heavy on me, my head and my heart at odds with each other. My head is telling me that no matter what, I couldn't just follow Draco and the Dark Lord blindly, and yet, my heart wants to go to Draco and tell him I'd follow him anywhere. The talk with Severus did nothing to help with the war I'm having with myself. 'Love will conquer all,' my mother once said. Caleb had rolled his eyes when she said that, shaking his head. 'Love is foolish,' he had said under his breath when my mother left the room. Who do I believe, my mother and Severus, or Caleb? Because right now I could use some wisdom, or just divine intervention. I sit in the Great Hall pushing food around my plate, my eyes on the spot Draco occupied minutes earlier. Severus is right, I'm at war with myself because I know that I'd risk it all for Draco. And yet I couldn't bring myself to go to him, refusing to believe that I could so easily commit to the darkness.
Every night I'll get out of bed and walk to the portrait that leads the way out of the Gryffindor Tower, and every night I stop myself before making it out of the common room. Draco's soul called to mine, like a siren called sailors. "You have to eat something," Ginny interrupts my thoughts, leaning over the table. I meet her worried stare, feeling numb. They are all worried about me, their concern for my wellbeing growing by the day. I force myself to eat, my stomach turning. Deep down I know something has to give. I couldn't physically go on like this. Not sleeping and not eating is going to lead me to one place and one place only, the Hospital Wing. There is an easy fix I tell myself. I force myself to have a couple more bites of the roast potatoes. The nausea is a permanent feature. When I can no longer stomach the food around me, I excuse myself from the table, leaving the Great Hall and returning to the Gryffindor common room.
I sit down in an armchair facing the fireplace, lost in my own thoughts. I pay the others around me zero attention. I have no energy to waste on others. It's been ten days, ten long days since I walked away from Draco, leaving him in the Room of Requirements. Ten days of resentment, hurt and longing. Every day feel worse than the day before, my mind preoccupied, my heart aching and my soul dark. The darkness that is growing inside Draco have swallowed me whole, and is holding me captive in its tight embrace. Before I could barely control my powers, my hold on them dangerously slipping away from me. That is no longer a worry. Over the last couple of days, I have felt them get weaker, my powers barely there anymore. I can feel myself get feebler, not just my Wiccan magic, but my ability to use any magic. I can barely do the simplest of spells. Today in Charms, it was clear that Draco and I are both looking like shit, and both of us struggled with casting spells. He shared the frustration I felt. The sound of someone clearing their throat pulls me from my thoughts, and draw my attention to the sixth year standing next to me, a note in his hand. I groan, not in the mood.
I thank my fellow Gryffindor, closing my eyes and taking a deep soul clearing breath. Here we go again, I think to myself. I drag myself out of the chair, out the common room and down to Severus's office. A lecture isn't what I want or need right now. I'm already in a fragile state of mind, on the verge of losing my shit. I enter Severus's office without knocking, my mood foul. I want a quick fix for what's been happening, want someone to tell me what to do. I prepare myself for whatever wisdom Severus wants to bestow on me so late at night. I turn around, the instant my eyes settle on Severus, I know that something is wrong. His face and body language, always cold and distant, is suddenly the picture of sadness and grief. It's a side of Severus I've never seen before. It's the look of a man that is about to deliver devasting news. "Who died?" I demand, already losing the little control I have left of the emotions I've been bottling up. Severus meets my gaze, his dark eyes sympathetic.
"Who the hell died, Severus?" I say loudly, my body shaking. "Emily," Severus begins, his voice low. I shake my head, refusing to believe that someone I love is gone, that this war has claimed another life. "Caleb is gone," Severus says, taking a step towards me. My whole world crumbles around me. All those carefully bottled-up emotions come rushing to the surface, devastating and painful. "No," I shake my head, refusing to believe that I will never see my best friend again. Never see him smile, never hear his laugh, never hear him give me another lecture about making a mistake. "No. No!" I cry, the anger and despair I feel tearing me to shreds. The crushing sense of anguish I feel, and the bloodcurdling scream that leaves my body sends my powers into overdrive, ripping from me in such force, the furniture and items in the shelves rattle and shatters around us. The room is a war zone, the fragments of glass flying through the air. The sudden rush of emotion and power tears the energy from my body, my legs giving away. I fall to the floor, sitting on my legs, bent over, my hands resting in front of me on the floor. Uncontrollable sobs wrack my body, my whole being shaking.
I let the darkness drown me, welcoming it, as it allows me to fall apart, letting me embrace the hopelessness I've been suppressing. I feel nothing, no hope, no love, no purpose. I'm already losing Draco to the pending war, and now I've lost my best friend. I sit on the floor, pieces of shattered glass cutting into my legs and hands, the tears running down my cheeks, dripping on the floor by my hands. I can't breathe, a panic attack building, as I gasp for breath. Arms wrap around me, pulling me into a tight embrace. I try fighting it, but the arms around me grow tighter, the familiar presence soothing. I stop fighting, and let fresh cries of pain and heartache out into the room that saw the power of my misery. Draco holds me, resting his head against my back, offering me a safe space to fall apart.