Author's Note: Hey there! I'm quite proud I got back into the flow of writing. It's quite a short chapter, I know, but I think it's one of my favorites. Enjoy :) I won't make promises for the next chapter's date, but I'm starting to write it right now. :)

Chapter 13 – Life Belt

I woke up shivering. This dream I remembered far too clear. The haunting memory of Sam's stare that fateful afternoon – I wanted to scream again, but this time, my being awake helped me repress it. I wanted to get up and get something to occupy my mind with, but I was way too tired to start the day so early. It was not entirely fair for these dreams to keep me awake. It wasn't enough that I thought about it at daytime. Or maybe this was the compensation for how I managed not to think of it due to the things that kept it from my mind during the day.

I turned around, put my pillow over my head and clutched my blanket to my chest, trying to sleep, hoping for it to be a peaceful sleep.

No way. After what felt like a long time of tossing and turning around in my bed without finding sleep, I surrendered and got up. Probably a morning coffee would be a greater benefit.

When I walked down the stairs, I could hear Rebecca talking to someone.

"Yes. That's great. We'll be there to get you. I'm glad you're helping us."

Kaili spotted me when I came into the living room. She waved her little hands and crawled over to me. I picked her up and let her pat her hands into my face. She giggled when I blew into her face and pulled her head away from me. Laughing, I pulled her close to my chest and cuddled her. It was that wonderful experience again – being with this little child made me feel alive and almost whole.

"Bye, Seth.", Becky said and hung up the phone. I shifted Kaili to the side and looked at my friend in expectation.

"Your brother called. He and Embry Call will arrive at the airport tomorrow morning very early."

"Wow. That's quick.", I replied. They hadn't delayed. "Um... Becky?"

She looked at me, waiting for my question.

"Is this okay... I mean, for me to invite two more guests into your house..."

"Oh, Lee, sure. They're here to help us. Of course they'll be our guests. What kind of host would I be?"

I smiled back. "Okay. I really hope we'll fix this soon so your life will be normal again."

"Let's hope for that."

I glanced up at the calendar. "Oh. It's sunday.", I exclaimed.

"Yes. That's how quick a week passes by when you're busy.", Rebecca laughed.

We moved over to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Pili had to be still asleep. Good possibility to ask Rebecca about how she kept the secret around him.

"Rebecca?"

She looked up from the refrigerator. "How do you manage these secrets... does Pili never ask you about it?"

She resumed taking out jam, butter and milk for breakfast and closed the refrigerator before she answered.

"It's difficult. We know that one day, he will inherit the dog spirit. It's a bit complex on who is allowed to know and who isn't. Usually, those who will inherit the spirit ought to know in advance, as does the rest of their families. The normal local people or especially the malihini, the tourists or newcomers, do not know. This isn't something too many people should be allowed to know. The tribe members, kama'aina, mostly know, all those who descend from the ancient tribe in the time of our chief Mauna Kea, when Ku'ilioloa summoned the first dog warriors..."

Her voice sounded proud and reminded me of the legends book. She seemed to know it all by heart.

"You're quite fond of it, aren't you? But... you're Quileute originally. You're a... mal..."

"Malihini? - Yes, I am. I've been living her for some years since Mikala and I got married. I got to know when our relationship got serious enough that we considered marrying."

"He told you? Was he allowed to?", I asked, remembering there was a plate in my hands that I shouldn't let fall while I was absorbed in her story.

"Yes. Though I am a malihini, if he would marry me, I was allowed to know."

"How did you cope with that?", I asked eagerly.

She sighed, then smiled at her own words. "I decided... it didn't matter. I loved him – I still do – and if this part belonged to him, I'd take it, too. After I told him this decision, he got down on one knee to propose..."

I looked at her face to see that she had blushed a delicate pink.

"That's a great story." Wish mine was even half that good., I thought, but I swallowed it and kept setting the table. Rebecca had noticed the expression that flickered across my face before I could compose it.

"I'm sorry, Leah. I didn't want to..."

"No. It's okay. I don't envy you. I'm glad you found this life. I only wish..."

She hugged me. "Lee. I'm sure there's something out there for you... though I know this doesn't help anything... it's just another well-meant advice from an old woman."

"Old? Becky!"

She saw I was grinning and let go of me. Of course I didn't feel completely like grinning, but good enough that I could do it.

"I wish I could see it this way.", I said, sober again. "I'd like nothing more than... forgetting what I can't have."

"It will take time. And it might need the right kind of man to come around the corner for you...", Rebecca proposed, unsure if her words would be the right ones, it seemed.

"How much time?", I sighed. "It's been four years."

"Did you let him go from your heart? Or do you still cling to him emotionally?", she asked right away. "If you keep clinging to him, your heart can't heal."

I frowned as I thought about that. Had I let him go?

I couldn't make him stay, of course. So I let him go. But – emotionally? I thought I was sure he would never come back. But I often caught myself imagining how it would have been by now, if, if...

I still yearned for the time when he was mine, even though I knew it wouldn't come back, because he wouldn't.

Yes, I had enough of this pointless yearning, this endless hurt of waiting for him to come back or the sky to fall down on my head. Pointless because I knew the latter was impossible, yet still more likely to happen.

I all but wanted to cling to him when it was so useless. But there was a too-big part of my heart that couldn't let him go. That kept clinging to that memory of the Sam I used to call mine, to that time so long gone. Something that told me I couldn't survive if I let go.

I felt tears streaming down my cheek, and I tried to wipe them away, but of course they didn't go unnoticed.

"Lee... are you okay? I'm sorry, I didn't want to trouble you..."

"No, no... that's not... it's alright.", I interrupted her apologies. "It's just that... you're right. You're awfully right.

I never.. let go. I kept clinging to it. There were moments I pretended to be strong. But I never really tried to... really let go. I... I always knew he's not coming back, but I clung to the past we had."

Rebecca was next to me again, stroking my hair and my wet cheek. "It's okay, Lee. It's good you know that now.", she whispered.

"But... but how do I go on now? I... just don't know how I could... move on, like I should have done so much earlier."

Rebecca shook her head. "Who said you should have? You need to take your time to grieve such a loss. By now, you've had that time... maybe now begins the time of letting go.", she said softly.

"How?", I repeated, desperate for any straw I could grasp when I was about to let go of the straw I'd clung to for so long.

"Just by... living. By going on. Loving life like it never hurt you... I know that's hard."

"How can I?", I half-sobbed. "It's been so much... how could I ever trust anyone again?"

Rebecca smiled at me sadly, so caring. "Forgiving is the starting point for that."

I sighed, finally succumbing to sobbing again. "I.. don't know if... I can."

"You will, Lee. You are strong, once you let go of that life belt to keep you alive."

"Hmm." I didn't know what else I could say. I felt like there was so much lying ahead of me, so much I didn't know how to cope with. All the time I'd thought I was on my own, unconscious that I was clinging to this straw, that I felt too weak to let it go.

Now, real strength was what I needed. Getting up from the floor and living my own life, instead of claiming what I thought I had a right to have.

I knew I would fall down a dozen times. But I didn't care. I could do this.

"I know you can do this, Lee.", Rebecca confirmed as if she had heard my thought. I smiled at her, and this time, it felt more sincere than all the time before. I hugged her closely. "Thank you, Becky. You're the best friend I have. I'm glad I came here."

And then, the kitchen door opened and Pili came bursting in, in his pyjama, but already babbling as if he had to make up for the hours he'd wasted sleeping. "Good Morning Leah and Mum. What's for breakfast? Cornflakes? I want these choco-cornflakes I saw at the store. Keni gets them every morning. Leah, can we go to the forest again? You promised we'd go soon!"

I grinned at him. "Sure, Pili. Right after you're finished talking so we can have breakfast."